Uggghh. I Just Stepped In Ship

browniechadowes: Steph, I told you this was a bad, bad idea…

Stephenie: But they looked so pent up! And I really liked their ideas for my story.

browniechadowes: *watches in pain as Edward/Jacob/Bella shippers are let out to create havoc* I guess… whatever floats your boat.

Edward: Personally, this really sucks on my end.

Jacob: Whatever. At least you have the whole "irrevocable love" thing going for you.

Bella: *sighs* Heh. *looking through shippiness-soiled pages* I get two guys to fall in love with me? Awesome.

Jacob and Edward: *hose Bella down with water and shove her into a snowstorm.* Bitch.

browniechadowes: *looks down* Uggghh. I just stepped in ship.

Frozen!Bella: W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-time is it? Aghhhh. Hate cold things. Hate, hate, hate cold things.

Edward: Two. What can I do? I mean really, Bella, if you weren't about to be a complete harlot, I might be a little more helpful. But really, you want me to breathe on you? Warm you up with my undead skin?

Frozen!Bella: H-h-h-h-h-h-h. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be articulating here.

Wolfy!Jacob: Way to go, sparkle fuck. You're going to be stuck with IceCube!Bella as a girlfriend.

Edward: What do you want me to do? Go fetch a space heater or something.

FrozenMartyr!Bella: I'm ok-k-k-k-k-kay. Not okay, not okay. Cold can go and die. Brilliant. Note to self. Once out of cold, am going to kill it.

Wolfy!Jacob: You know… there are other ways to warm her up…

Super Bear: *passes Wolfy!Jacob a bottle* Peppermint schnapps?

Wolfy!Jacob: *rolls eyes* I was thinking more along the lines of playing let's rub up against the big bad wolf… hehe.

Edward: That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Jacob: Better than anything you've come up with. Go fetch a space heater.

Bella: J-j-j-j-jake, you'll f-f-f-freez-z-z-ze.

Jacob: Not me. I'll have you sweating in no time. Hah, that's what she said.

Edward: *snarl*

Jacob: I'm sure she'll thank you when her toes turn black and drop off. See what I'm doing there, children? Play to strengths. Eward guilty = Jacob spooning Edward's girlfriend. That's what happens when you haven't used your balls in over 100 years.

Edward: Watch yourself.

Bella: N-n-n-n-n. Still have about the articulation of a one year old with turrets.

Jacob: You're freezing, Bella.

Bella: S-s-s-sorry. Riiight, because obviously I should be apologizing for being cold in zero degree weather. Of course.

Jacob: You'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off. Don't worry about the bloodsucker. He's just jealous.

Edward: No shit, Sherlock. Of course I am. This is the second time in the series that you've gotten further with Bella than I have. It's like I have to deal with all of her shit, and you kinda stand behind me scooping up the booty.

Jacob: Your lips are blue. Want me to warm those up for you, too?

Bella's Tongue: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Bella: Behave yourself. *cold toe jab* Jake, why are you so furry?

Jacob: Well, that's a little personal. I didn't think she'd notice… I'm not that naked. Because my hair is longer. And I want to swath you in my lustrous man-mane.

Edward: Hehehe. You, sir, are pathetic.

Jacob: *rolls eyes* It seemed you liked it better long. That's right, honey, go to sleep. Weird. That "honey" kind of popped out of nowhere.

Super Bear: Honey? Emmett you's wan' sum honey wiss our schnapps?

Emmett: Nah, I's good. This is sooo awkward, it's furnny.

Edward: Seth is here.

Jacob: Now you can keep an eye on everything while I take care of your girlfriend for you. This could become a permanent thing, you know, say, if Bella ever wants to have a kid, is pregnant with evil spawn baby, and you would rather me do the job… Mmmmm, where are those Mature fanfics?

Edward: Do you mind!

Jacob: What?

Edward: Could you attempt to control your thoughts? *shudders* Demon spawn babies. Ya right.

Jacob: Get out of my head. *starts thinking about a rendezvous with himself, Bella, the Rabbit, and dog food*

Edward: Yes, I'm jealous of that, too.

Jacob: The dog food or Bella? I'm confused. That was a weird fantasy anyway…She could still change her mind. Considering all the things I could do with her without killing her.

Edward: Hah, shows how much you know. I won't kill her. I will just bruise her considerably, causing myself emotional stress and Bella physical insecurity. Go to sleep, Jacob.

Jacob's inner monologue: Care to answer a few questions? Just for kicks? While I'm straddling your girlfriend?

Edward: Meh, nothing better to do. What do you want me to answer?

Jacob: Do you wish you could see what she's thinking?

Edward: Yes… and no. Sometimes I'm scared to think about what actually goes on in her mind. I'm not sure I'd feel the same way about her after diving into that mess of a brain. I'd rather she was happy.

Jacob: What would you do if she changed her mind? Kill me?

Edward: Nope. I am much too chivalrous for that. I would not fight like the super cool vampire Stephenie made me out to be. I would let you skip off into the sunset with m'love. But sometimes it's an intriguing idea.

Jacob: You left her because you want her to be human.

Edward: There are only 4 possibilities. 1.) she didn't feel as strongly for me… which basically went to shit when she became OverlyObsessive!Bella. 2.) live with her throughout her human life… which went to shit when she had that creepy dream about Gran gran getting it on with me. 3.) take myself out of her world… which went to shit because she is emotionally incapable of functioning without yours truly. 4.) turn her into vamptastic!Bella.

Jacob: I like option one. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March… and if you'd waited another six months to check on her…

Jacob/Bella shippers: *type furiously on their computers, writing as Jacob and Bella get it on in the truck, on a stump, by the phone, on a train, on a plane, here or there, anywhere!*

Edward: Can I ask you something? Something about a third wife? I have a sneaking suspicion that Bella is planning to martyr herself… again. I had to steal her Ultimate Martyrdom Plan from her.

Jacob: What about it?

Edward: Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?

Jacob: Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Jeez, it's not even funny how much this girl wants to freaking die for someone else… really, anyone else. Okay, I see your point.

Edward: Sleep well, Jacob. Enjoy the moment.

Jacob's inner monologue: *Mmmmmm, looks over shippers' shoulders as Bella is pinned to the front of the Rabbit by Jacob's bulging, quivering member-

browniechadowes: Ugghhh. Spare me the details. And I HATE the word "member".

Shippers: Come on. You know everyone reads them every once and a while.

browniechadowes: No. I do not get my kicks from smutty, smutty fanfics *furiously deletes browser history*

Edward: I didn't mean that quite so literally. Although, it is a slightly intriguing concept…These smutty fanfics you speak of…

Jacob: I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind. One little movement, and my happiness will most likely be displayed for all to see.

Bella's inner monologue: Am still feigning sleep as Edward sings creepy lullaby to himself and Jacob mutters something about dog food.