A/N: There is a distinct possibility this chapter will push me over 3k reviews for this little story. Either way, I want to take the time to tell you that your reviews mean a whole hell of a lot to me. I'm sorry I don't reply to all of you, but you make me smile even on the bad days.

Emmett was still screening her mail.

Bella was well aware there were a few boxes full of letters - well wishes from people around the country, even around the world, who'd heard her story. Every once in awhile, Emmett would set a drawing or little craft someone - usually a child - had done for her out on the counter or pin it to the fridge.

More little reminders that humanity was, at its heart, benevolent.

And when she let her thoughts get that far, she could even see that in Mike's deranged mind, he'd been doing the right thing.

In so many ways, Mike was just as much of a victim as she was. He'd been hurt. Badly. It wasn't an excuse for what he'd done, but he'd been badly abused. He'd been made into a monster.

But there was no excuse for being monstrous, for hurting other people just because you'd been hurt.

At some point, Bella had googled herself and come up with, among other things, a video from the news. Rosalie and Emmett pleading for information on her behalf.

She didn't know Emmett could get so emotional, but his voice was heavy when he spoke. "This girl... She's one of the most gentle, beautiful people in the world. She wouldn't hurt anyone."

How little he knew...

Edward's gentle voice calling her name snapped Bella out of her damning thoughts. She looked up at him, vaguely confused. He hadn't been there before, had he?

"Emmett and Rosalie just left."

Ah, right. Her friends were back on continuous shifts. Ever since they'd heard of Mike's suicide almost a week previous, Bella had been dangerously close to catatonic, completely lost in her own head.

Shaking her head, Bella tried to concentrate on what Edward was saying.

"-received this from Russia." He put a letter in her hand. "I think you should read it."

Russia. Bella was confused.

It took a minute for the words on the envelope to sink in. The letter was from Sasha Ivanova.

Bella looked up, hoping Edward hadn't gone far. Of course, he hadn't. He was sitting on the opposite end of the couch, watching her with concern. Wordlessly, she reached her hand out, needing him.

There was a relief in his features as he scooted closer to her, taking her hand. The expression made Bella's heart twist.

What she felt for Edward - what he felt for her - was a tangle of thoughts she hadn't had the energy to unwind yet. In the meantime, though, she'd shied away from his touch. She wasn't sure if it was because he made her uncomfortable, or if it was because she thought it should make her wary.

Either way, he was still her shelter, and she had the feeling this letter could bring on a powerful storm.

"Is this?"

Luckily, Edward understood her very well and knew what she was asking. "Irina's mother," he confirmed.

"Have you read it?"

Edward shook his head, squeezing her hand comfortingly. "Emmett said it was all good things. He wouldn't have let it get to you if it was bad."

Bella stared at the thing for a good minute before she opened it with trembling fingers.

Sasha's English was broken, but the gist was clear.

Irina had been missing for eight years.

It was bittersweet, Sasha wrote. Of course, there was that quashing of the last shred of hope she had that she'd see her child again. But there was peace, too. Eight long years of imagining what Irina might be suffering. Eight years of helplessness.

It was maddening, the letter went on. There was no moving on with her life. She never would have moved on.

In the end, she thanked Bella profusely for her bravery, even going as far as to say if she were ever in Russia, she would love to meet one day.

Bella was shaking when she put the letter down. She put her hands over her eyes, helpless to stop the tears that wracked her then. Her emotions were overwhelming, assaulting her too many at a time, too much to process.

Guilt. Relief. Anger. Guilt. Horror. Sadness. Fear. Guilt.

Guilt.

That seemed like the sticking point. She felt sick with it.

"You're so strong, Bella. You did the right thing - for this woman, for everyone he hurt," Edward murmured. He'd put his arm around her, and Bella was leaning into him as she shook. But suddenly, his arms, his friendly... loving gesture felt wrong, like his touch could burn her - holy water to a demon.

She pushed him away and stood, beginning to pace.

"Bella?" Edward sat still on the couch though his body was tense. She knew him. He wouldn't move until she gave some indication of what she needed.

"I just... I can't take it. Everyone looks at me like I'm some do-gooder. I'm not. I'm not... good." She ran her hands through her hair. "I'm... bad."

"What are you talking about?"

"M-m..." Bella closed her eyes, trying to breathe through the panic his name always caused. "He was on suicide watch from the beginning." She laughed, the sound somewhat maniacal. "Because I was his last chance. He said that over and over. You heard him. He was planning to murder himself after-" She gasped, her voice running out. Her knees felt weak and she sunk to the floor, her hands over her face as she bent forward.

She heard when Edward approached her and didn't move, didn't stop him. Selfish as she was, she craved his comfort as much as she didn't deserve it.

He knelt at her side, his hand gentle on her back. "Why does any of that make you bad, Bella?"

"Because I knew." Her tone was a shaking, timorous thing. "I knew what it would do to him. I knew what would hurt him the most - the most."

Edward moved so he was in front of her. Bella flinched when she felt his fingers on her cheek. "Look at me." His words were a request, a plea. When she wouldn't bring her hands away from her face, he sighed but continued. "Do you think you killed him, Bella?"

She shook her head. "I know I did." She was crying again, dragging in a ragged breath. "I did it on purpose. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him dead."

"You had every right-"

"I didn't! It doesn't matter what he did to me." She looked at him then, feeling more wretched than she had throughout this entire ordeal. "What makes me better than him? Someone hurt him and he hurt me. I wanted to see him suffer. I wanted him to die. I did kill him. I did."

He drew her into his arms, holding her tightly while she clutched at his shirt, wanting nothing more than to claw this awful, ugly feeling out of her chest. She felt vile.

Edward's breath was unsteady in her ear as he held her, heavy with his own emotion. His voice was husky when he spoke, like he was trying to hold himself together, fighting to be strong for her. "What I was going to say is you had every right to be angry. You had a right to lash out, Bella. You had a right to stand up to him."

Bella shook her head against his chest, but she didn't have the words left to argue.

"You didn't kill him." Edward's voice was fervent, stronger. "His life wasn't your responsibility. His mother killed him, if you need to blame someone, but not you."

He rocked her for a long moment while she cried, trying to reconcile his words with the guilt in her heart. She wanted more than anything to see herself the way Edward saw her - good, strong.

He loved her. How she hadn't recognized it before she'd heard him say the words last week she didn't know. It was obvious in his words, in his tone, in his actions. All week long, part of her resented the fact he could have those feelings for her. Why, when it made everything more complicated? She needed him - his tender touches, his voice on her phone at night, his presence in her life She needed something simple and pure. Knowing his secret meant she had to second guess what he wanted, what it all meant to him.

But while she was lost in a haze of too many thoughts, sometimes it occurred to her: if she could think about such frivolous things as love, she might want to be good enough for someone... for Edwardto love.

She wanted to be more than this wreck she'd been for so long. How many more times could she expect him to cuddle her on the floor while she broke down?

This dark cloud she lived under... she just wanted to be free of it.

She wanted to be a normal woman attracted to a man.

And she wanted to believe it was normal for a man to be attracted to her.

When she lifted her head, Edward's expression was, as ever, gentle. He wiped away her tears as she calmed.

He was unbearably sweet. Painfully so.

And so beautiful. Inside and out.

She just wanted to...

What she thought she was doing, Bella would never know. In hindsight, her mind was hectic with so many emotions she just couldn't process, she never knew what emotion she acted with.

She just wanted.

And she kissed Edward.

It was a hard kiss, desperate. Edward's shocked yelp didn't stop her, nor did the fact his hands were frozen, his body stiff. There was this elated feeling welling in her, part what she felt when she heard him tell Emmett he loved her, part because she was touching him, kissing him, and it didn't feel bad; she was amazed she was capable.

Edward came alive. He turned his head slightly, enough to break the kiss. "Bella." He sounded breathless.

"This is what you want, isn't it? Ultimately?" She kissed him again, her hands on his cheeks.

He groaned, his lips beginning to respond to hers. Then he made a little noise, pulling back. Bella followed him, not letting him get away, her hands still framing his face.

Then he grabbed her by her wrists, his grip firm.

Bella flew back with a gasp, her eyes wide. Panic closed her throat, caught her chest in a vice grip. In her head was a myriad of images she didn't want. The rope cutting into her wrists - how many times had he tied and retied her wrists to the chair, to the shelves, to the bed?

"I'm sorry. Bella, I didn't mean-"

She shook her head hard, her hands clamped over her ears. She just needed to breathe. She needed him to keep his distance because she was on the verge of a full on attack but she could stop it. She was half in, half out, but if he touched her, she would go over the edge. If she had to feel guilt for hurting him again - again- she wouldn't have enough energy to fight this, to keep herself focused on her rational thoughts even as memories hit her likes lashes of a whip.

And because he was Edward, he understood what she needed. He stayed quiet, present in the room, lending his support.

Slowly, it got easier to breathe.

The memories lost some of their power to control her.

Slowly, she came back to the present. Slowly, she unwound her tense body. When she was able to move, she crawled over to the couch, leaning with her back against it. She tilted her head back, closing her eyes and breathing.

"I'm sorry." Her throat felt raw. "I had no right-"

"Bella. We don't have to talk about that right now."

She looked up at him, ashamed and wary.

Edward held up his hand. "I'm not saying we're going to ignore it." He swallowed hard, looking somewhat nervous. "I think we need to talk. It's just... maybe after a nap?"

Bella gave a little huff. "A nap sounds really good." She paused, knowing she didn't have a right to ask. "You'll stay, right?"

"Of course."

~0~

For the second time in their acquaintance, Bella fell asleep holding Edward's hand.

Edward sat back in his chair, absently running his thumb over her knuckles.

How on Earth had she found out?

More importantly, when they talked about what had happened, what was he going to say?

He had about an hour and a half to worry before she started to whimper in her sleep.

"What's the good of him being dead?" she grumbled when she was fully awake and calmed, holding his hand as they sat together on the couch. "He's still everywhere." She sniffled.

Edward didn't have an answer for that and knew she wasn't expecting one. He just squeezed her hand and waited.

When she was calm, the atmosphere got heavy, slightly awkward. Edward took some solace in the fact she didn't let go of his hand, but he knew it was time to address the elephant in the room.

As much as he could probably put this conversation off forever - he was terrified it would change their relationship for the worst - Edward figured the least he could do was own up to it.

"So what gave me away?"

Bella sighed. "I heard you talking to Emmett."

"Oh, jeez," Edward muttered, his heart speeding up. She knew everything then. "Bella... I wasn't going to... I mean, this doesn't change anything. Nothing has to change."

She was silent for a long moment, looking down at their hands. "I need you to answer one question for me, and I need you to think about it before you answer."

"Okay," he said slowly, very nervous. "I can do that."

"Do you think..." She swallowed, pressing her lips together hard for a moment before she could continue. "Is there a possibility you're... attracted to me because of what happened to me?"

Edward sucked in a sharp breath, taken aback by the question.

"I don't mean in some sick way," she hurried on, a blush tingeing her cheeks. "I mean, you obviously admire your mother. Do you think it's possible you admire me because of... all that?"

Edward huffed a little, playing with her thumbs. "I understand why you're asking me that, but I really don't have to think very long to give you an honest answer." He looked up again. "When I knew I was falling for you - falling hard - believe me, I thought about all of it. This, what I feel for you, is not something I take lightly. It's not something that's ever happened to me, so of course I've looked at this in ways you probably haven't even begun to imagine."

She looked up at him, her expression so vulnerable his heart ached.

"It's true that your strength is part of why I'm attracted to you." He smiled sadly when she shook her head, like the word 'strength' made her jumpy.

Turning toward her, he took both her hands in his. "Bella, look, I'm going to be completely honest with you. No one should have to be as strong as you've been. You aredifferent to me than a lot of other women could be because of what you've been through."

She blinked, looking pained, so he hurried on. "That's not an insult at all. The fact of the matter is, there is a darkness to the world, an ugliness that most people sweep under the doormat and ignore because they have that luxury. You and I? We don't.

"Not that I'm comparing my experiences to what you've been through. It's just that I've seen the darkness you know. I can't unlearn that knowledge, that ugliness. I've had to live with it most of my life, and because of that, I'm different, too. So technically... yes." He looked her right in the eyes because she deserved his bravery. He had enough courage to get through this confession. "I love you for all you are, and you are the sum of your experiences. I love you because you're you."

For a long, tense handful of seconds, she stared at him, her eyes brimming with tears. She took several gasping breaths, as if she were trying not to cry. Edward bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for her response.

For the second time that evening, he was totally blown away by her actions as she moved to straddle his lap.

"Bella-"

She covered his mouth with her hand. The look she gave him was almost humorously stern, a silent warning for him to be quiet.

When she lowered her hand, she leaned forward, and Edward held his breath, certain for a moment that she was going to kiss him again. Instead, she rested her forehead against his.

"I've had more time to think than I've wanted, and my thoughts get tangled sometimes... a lot," she began, her voice shaking but still strong - not thin like it was when she was terrified. "I, um... I've thought about that day... with Mike."

Edward started to raise his hands, but she quickly pushed them back down, her expression apologetic. "Please, just... I need you to... keep these here."

He nodded and clenched his hands into fists at his side, wondering where this was going.

"The thing is, Edward... When he made me... Tell him I loved him," She swallowed. Her eyes had been closed but she opened them as she spoke her next words. "I didn't say those words to him. It wasn't him I was speaking to - that's why I closed my eyes."

Edward stared at her. His heart was in his throat. He wanted to hope. He wanted it more than anything in his entire life.

Bella cupped his face, gently this time. Her eyes were clear. Her movements were soft - not fast and hard as they had been earlier that evening. She tilted her head slightly so she was so close he could feel her breath on his face. "I said it to you."

And then she kissed him.

A/N: Eeeep.

Eep?

As usual, thanks to ginnyw, Jessypt, barburella, and jfka06 for making my docs an awesome place to be.

So! ... Thoughts?