Ch. 21 Struggle
She felt like she was cheating.
She wasn't.
She had woke up that morning in the arms of the man she loved, fixed him eggs, shared her first cup of coffee with him. Kissed him good morning, kissed him goodbye as she did the day before.
It was the life she wanted. Her life with Elliot.
She felt like she was cheating.
She sat in the back of the cab lost in her thoughts.
She wondered what really was her struggle? Walker was in the past. Elliot was who she wanted. Even if she was still attracted to Walker, even if there was an undeniable chemistry, she loved Elliot. She had truly loved Elliot for a long time.
Elliot was the life she wanted.
He wasn't just lust. He was trust, he was history, he was her best friend and God… he was the love of her life.
What was the struggle?
Why would she fuck that up?
Olivia cursed herself as the cab pulled up in front of the hotel.
There was a coffee shop in the lobby of his hotel.
His hotel.
She wanted to meet up with him as far away from the precinct as possible.
His hotel happened to be almost at the opposite end of the city.
His hotel.
For a moment the proximity seemed dangerous.
She shrugged off the warnings to herself and agreed to meet him there mid morning.
She wasn't cheating.
She had no intentions of going any further than the first floor.
Her ballet flats glided across the tile floor of the hotel lobby and in to the coffee shop.
He was standing in line in his suit and tie.
Ready for business.
"Hey" she said walking up beside him.
He immediately placed his arm around her, pulling her in to an embrace as if it were an everyday occurrence to see her, to just have coffee.
Anyone standing in line would assume they were married, at least lovers.
There was easiness there.
She breathed him in.
"Perfect timing, I wasn't sure if you were still addicted to those peppermint lattes or not…"
Olivia gave him a slight smile as she nodded her head yes.
He was at ease. Happy to see her again.
"I'll get our coffee if you want to find us somewhere to sit?"
She agreed thanking God he was no longer touching her.
Her shoes once again shuffling across the floor, she looked for a place to sit.
What she wanted to do was to run back to where Walker was now ordering their coffee and interject. She wanted to tell the Barista that she didn't want a peppermint latte. That as of today, it wasn't her favorite anymore. That she wanted something different, something Walker wouldn't guess to order for her, so that he wouldn't come off as so charming when he knew exactly what to order for her.
Walker sat down across from her, holding her latte out to her, his fingers grazing hers as she took the cup in her hand.
"How's your trip been?"
Small talk.
"Productive. I've been working on this case for several months and I finally feel like I've got something to work with."
"That's good. I'm glad your trip wasn't in vain."
"Olivia sitting here with you…" he said suddenly taking her hand in to his, "it was worth the trip. I didn't know how much I missed you."
Olivia hand rested in his.
Her hand instantly feeling the warmth, feeling the unexplainable spark that she couldn't rid of.
She pulled her hand away, and began to pull off her coat.
She was too warm.
Her coat, the coffee, his touch.
Too warm.
"You look beautiful today." Walker said as he watched her pull her coat off her shoulders.
"Walker." She said not taking her eyes from him.
"Oh" he said sensing her disapproving tone. "I shouldn't tell you, you look beautiful?"
He knew her, he knew that tone.
But he was confused why she wasn't pleased with his compliment.
"When we saw each other the other day…" she said taking a sip of her coffee, gathering her courage.
Ok here we go. Just get it out. Speak the truth. Tell him you love Elliot.
Walker shifted in his chair.
"When I saw you. I…"
"Olivia. Just tell me."
He seemingly didn't fear the worst though she bit fiercely at her bottom lip.
"When I saw you the other day, the feelings I had for you… they were all right there. I didn't know they would be there."
"I felt the same way."
"But I can't feel that way."
"Ok?"
"Walker things have changed."
"I know I didn't expect to come back and for you to just fall in love with me all over again, shit I wasn't even sure if you would see me. But I had to see you; I had to see if what I feel for you was still really there."
"Walker."
"Olivia you felt it too."
She gripped her eyes closed.
"Walker, stop."
He did.
"Olivia."
He was still confused.
"Walker, I'm with Elliot."
Olivia watched him sit there for a moment frozen, and then she watched him lean back in his chair, creating distance between them.
He shook his head, clearly deflated by her admission.
"I wanted to tell you. I felt like I should tell you because I didn't the other day. Because I know the way I felt when I left you and I didn't want to give the impression that you and I..."
"The impression that you and I could get back together?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, ok… I mean I'm glad you're happy. You're happy?"
"I'm happy."
Walker shook his head accepting her answer.
He wasn't sure what else to say.
He guessed now would be the time to act like a grown up and have a grown up reaction.
"I guess I always rationalized you and Elliot were just close, that you were just partners. But you were always in love with him."
She didn't deny it.
"Walker when I was with you. I was with you. I was in love with you. Elliot was just my partner."
"Olivia… has he ever just been your partner?"
She took a deep breath.
"Maybe not."
"But I meant what I said. I was in love with you. And who knows if things didn't go the way they did maybe they would have worked out."
"But they didn't"
"They didn't"
"And Elliot was there for you when I wasn't?"
"I didn't feel that way. I never thought you abandoned me."
Walker ran his hands over his face.
"So you're together, and you're partners?"
"No… I didn't go back to SVU."
Walker looked at her stunned.
"I told you a lot has changed."
"You loved SVU."
"I just needed a change."
"You're ok Olivia? You really are happy?"
"I'm ok. And Elliot makes me happy."
"Does he know I'm here, does he know you're here with me?"
The lump in her throat
"No."
"I don't guess he would like you hanging around me too much."
"That's why I had to see you."
"To say goodbye."
"To be on the same page."
"I guess I should appreciate you being up front with me. I guess maybe before I confessed my love to you again."
Olivia smiled shyly.
"Olivia. I hope he takes care of you. That he loves you the way I didn't."
She wanted to reach for Walker. She wanted to hug him, assure him that he was a great man. That he didn't wrong her, that if she had another life…
Instead she slid her arms back in to her coat.
Walker stood immediately, helping her.
"So I guess this is it?"
"It is for now."
He nodded unsure if he was allowed to at least hug her good bye.
Olivia didn't leave him to question long before she reached for him, and hugged him.
Her cheek pressing against his cleanly shaven skin.
"I wish you the best Walker."
"I wish the same for you Olivia."
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago ok." She said, with a smile long faded from her face.
He watched her walk away.
Done.
She was certain she held her breath until she stepped out on to the sidewalk.
She wouldn't run, she wouldn't turn around.
She lifted her arm in to the air hailing the next cab.
She had done what she needed to do.
Olivia rested her head against the back of the seat.
Her mind still full of thought replaying what just happened, still full of confessions that needed to be done.
She hadn't cheated.
Her phone rang pulling her back to a coherent state.
El.
A deep breath.
"Hi there." Her voice said breaking from her silence. "Yeah I'm out, just had some errands to run."
He didn't question her. Why would he?
"How's the case going?" The one he came home so angry about a few days ago. "You think you'll get out of there at a decent hour?"
The routine questions to find out how much time she would have to plot how she would confess.
But Elliot would understand her seeing Walker. It was that simple.
"I love you too."
God she did.
She hung up the phone.
Elliot would understand the way everything had happened, how she didn't mean to not tell him she had seen Walker. He would understand because in the end she loved him, all she wanted was him.
Walker was out of her life.
She didn't cheat.
Elliot would understand.
Olivia took a deep breath pressing her head back against the seat of the cab.
She knew Elliot. She knew he wouldn't understand.
Next Ch. 22 - Pieces