May 17th, 2009
The next fourteen days were a bit of a learning curve. Neither of them regretted the decision to move in together, it was just a matter of getting to know each other's habits and working around their carefully constructed set of rules. Callie learned that Arizona was very touchy about certain subjects and treaded carefully, choosing to forgo any further career talk until the blonde was ready to bring it up on her own. After that first day, things began to smooth out and they relaxed into a coexistent pattern.
A few times they travelled to the hospital together, Callie to work and Arizona to physical therapy. Jeff, her PT, was a bit of an arrogant sonofabitch, but Callie held her tongue because he was good at his job. She wanted the best Seattle Grace had to offer helping her girlfriend, and unfortunately he fell into that category. More than once she had snuck up to the training room to try and catch a glimpse of their sessions, but she was never able to stick around for very long. From what she saw, Arizona was pushing herself pretty hard. Callie did her best to refrain from constantly reminding her to take it easy.
Some days were worse than others when it came to physical discomfort. The morning after a difficult session, Arizona would look more haggard and worn down than usual. Callie also suspected that the dreams were worse on those nights, but since they now slept in separate beds, she couldn't know for sure. Arizona never talked about it. She was beginning to put some weight on her bad leg while still utilizing two crutches for support, so for a week or so her discomfort level skyrocketed significantly, and along with it the rough nights. No matter how many times Callie tried to inquire, Arizona always skirted the conversation. It was frustrating.
Overall, things between them were great. They enjoyed spending time together without Arizona confined to a hospital bed and the change in atmosphere lifted her spirits considerably. She bought new clothes, a few personal accessories, got her hair trimmed and even bought a new pair of shoes to celebrate the fact that her leg was finally bearing weight. Callie was overjoyed to see her girlfriend start to enjoy her life again.
Callie's hours were far less erratic now that she was an attending, although she still got stuck working the occasional night shift. On those lonely evenings, Arizona found the apartment freakishly quiet and often borrowed Callie's laptop to play music or movies in her bedroom. Cristina was nice and everything, but they had about as much in common as a rock and a ham sandwich. Arizona even took Callie's advice and tried to put her own spin on the apartment, but every time she moved the corner lamp to another table for better reading, Cristina just moved it back.
Evenings when they were alone together really tested their resolve. While they were moving forward with caution, the underlying attraction between them never changed. Every day when Callie came home from work, all she wanted to do was see her girlfriend and collapse on the couch for a few hours of quality time. Cristina voiced her displeasure, claiming that mauling each other with their tongues was no better than having sex, but eventually she gave up trying.
Despite Arizona's many insecurities about her own body, the more time they spent getting physical on the couch, the more she started to miss sex. She was terrified at the notion of going there again someday soon, but she could still relish the memories of how good it used to feel. She craved Callie and that sense of intimacy more than she did the act of getting off. The taste of her lips, the sensation of a warm body pressed up against her own; none of these things helped to quell the urge for more when they were together. It felt like she had two brains – one that was damaged beyond repair and one that reminded her on a daily basis how insane she was for not sexing Callie Torres up every chance she got.
It was torture - the tug-of-war of feelings were pure and simple torture.
Callie was in pretty much the same boat. Even though she wanted to take their time getting there, god , did she miss sex. Celibacy did not suit her well, especially not when she had a gorgeous, smart, funny, sexy woman always within her reach. She felt bad even fantasizing about Arizona; the blonde was always so careful to keep herself covered up that it seemed disrespectful to think about her in a way she wasn't ready for just yet.
That didn't mean Callie didn't catch her mind wandering in that direction more often than not, especially after a good make-out session on the couch.
It was a hard-fought battle some days. Arizona never ceased to take her breath away, even when she was wrapped in an oversized hoody, yoga pants and thick socks. It was ridiculous how cold she tended to get in their well-heated apartment, but Callie loved the excuse to curl up together and be Arizona's own personal heat machine.
All of it would be worth the wait, no matter how long it took. Callie reminded herself of that every single day and she believed every word.
#*#*
Two weeks after moving in together, Callie found herself daydreaming about her girlfriend while standing by the administration desk on the second floor of the hospital. She was doodling on a notepad, waiting for lab results on a patient of hers - a pediatric patient that automatically drew her mind straight back to said girlfriend, whom she was trying very hard not to fixate on while at work. It was hard, considering the blonde had shown up that morning with a fresh hair cut that left her with all kinds of unprofessional thoughts in her head. The blonde curls still fell well below Arizona's shoulders but the shape and style allowed loose ringlets to perfectly frame her face, bringing out her dimples and somehow even accenting those deadly blue eyes.
And now Callie was distracted. She couldn't stop thinking about getting home later that night and spending some quality time on the couch. Her hands were itching to try that new hair cut out for themselves.
"Hey." A heavy chart was set down to her right. "You look a little less than enthused to be here."
Callie grunted in response, not bothering to look up. She recognized Teddy's voice. "I've got better things I could be doing right now."
Teddy smirked, interpreting that in her own way. "Oh?"
Callie dropped her pen and cleared her throat awkwardly. "No, not that kind of thing. We're not…we're waiting, and being careful and…stuff. I'm sure she's told you."
"Mm-hm; I've been briefed." Teddy signed off and handed her patient's information to a waiting nurse. "I'm sure that'll last long."
Callie shook her head. "We're not in any hurry to rush things. She's still getting comfortable in her own skin again; I don't want to push her too hard."
"She's lucky to have someone like you," Teddy added, leaning into the counter. "How's she been lately?"
"She's good," Callie replied, mulling the last few days over in her mind. "She gets quiet when she's in pain, so I can usually tell when she's having a bad day. But she's trying. I think she's a little lost on where to go from here; she just doesn't seem to want to talk about it with me."
"A little pushing won't kill her," Teddy said gently. "Robbins is like a goat. She's stubborn and refuses to move unless you pick her up and throw her out of the path of a moving train. A little manhandling can go a long way in a conversation."
Callie snorted at the imagery. She would never say it out loud, but Arizona did resemble a stubborn farm animal sometimes. The woman was like a brick wall when she was set in her ways, and her uncanny ability to shut down the conversation when she didn't want to talk about something was irksome. "Somehow I feel like picking her up and throwing her anywhere would only land me in the dog house for a month. No thanks."
"Just don't let her be an ass," Teddy said. "I know she doesn't mean to be but she's going to have to talk to someone sooner or later. She's been the queen of avoidance since her brother died; now that she's got someone she trusts she needs to start dealing with everything."
"Has she talked to you about her plans?" Callie picked idly at a fingernail. "I'm trying to give her some space on the subject but I can tell it's bothering her."
"Not really," Teddy sighed. "I've asked, but she just gets really quiet. I think she's afraid of what will happen if she can't get back into surgery again."
Callie frowned. "It's not like she doesn't have options. It might be a ways off but she should still be able to operate. Her hands work just fine."
Once again, Teddy's eyebrow crept its way toward her hairline.
Callie blushed profusely at the implication. " Not what I meant," she hissed, averting her gaze back down to the notepad.
Laughing, Teddy picked up a new chart and shifted it to the crook of her arm. "Just don't let her shut you out. She always shoots herself in the foot when that happens."
"Thanks, Arizona Whisperer," Callie teased. "Any more words of wisdom before I head home?"
"Yeah. Good luck." Smiling, Teddy strolled away. Callie didn't have much time to ponder the advice before one of Dr. Kinley's pediatrics fellows appeared from around the corner.
"Dr. Torres," the young woman announced. "We have Aaron Conley's results back. Dr. Kinley wanted to talk to you before scheduling his surgery tomorrow."
"Okay, thanks, Rachel." Callie gathered her wits and straightened up, her thoughts still jumbled as they headed for the elevator. She tried to distract herself by flipping through the patient's chart even though she already knew it by heart.
"He's been a real trooper, considering the amount of pain he's probably in," Dr. Adams said. "Sweet kid. Made my morning full of premature deliveries and infant heart failure a little brighter."
Callie smiled, familiar with the eight-year-old's sunny disposition. He suffered from a dislocated shoulder and a broken clavicle, all caused by a careless driver running a red light. His mom had been treated and released, but he was sitting on the impact side and came out less fortunate. The mom was an emotional wreck while the kid was looking forward to putting stickers on his cast.
As they rode the elevator in contemplative silence, Callie studied the pediatrics fellow out of the corner of her eye. She suited the role, from what Callie knew about her. She was the happy-go-lucky type, yet serious when it came to medicine, and she was great with kids. While different from Arizona in many ways, Callie could see a few professional similarities between the two.
"What made you decide to go into pediatrics?" The question slipped out before she could stop herself.
"Hm?" Dr. Adams glanced over. "I don't know, really. I worked well with kids in my residency and sort of gravitated towards the difficult peds cases when I could. I'm the oldest of six siblings; I guess I'm just used to taking care of kids."
"Six? Wow," Callie said, impressed. She could hardly handle living with Aria most days while growing up; she couldn't fathom dealing with five others in the same house. "Did you ever consider another field?"
Thinking about it, Dr. Adams shrugged. "I guess every resident does at some point. I tried everything and didn't really think about my specialty until my fourth year. I worked with Cleveland Clinic's head of neuro for a few months at one point but eventually got pulled into pediatrics and never looked back."
As the elevator doors popped open, she looked curiously at Dr. Torres. "Why the questions? Re-thinking your career path?"
"No," Callie laughed, turning down the first hall on their right. "No, I was just curious, that's all." She paused. "I have a friend who's been a surgeon with the military for a few years. She started off doing a pediatrics fellowship before she joined, and now she's not sure what she wants to do after she's discharged."
"Where did she attend?"
"Hopkins. She did her residency there and started the fellowship, but I think she only completed six months or something before switching to trauma." That was as much information as Callie had gotten out of her girlfriend about the subject in the three months she'd known her for.
Dr. Adams shrugged. "She can probably go back. I've heard of people changing their minds halfway through or after they've finished and switching specialties."
"Yeah, but that's pretty rare, right?" Callie's pager went off, announcing that her lab results were ready just as they approached the technician's window. "In younger surgeons especially. Peds is so competitive; could she even get back into a fellowship?"
"That depends; is she any good?" Adams grabbed one envelope handed through the slot and popped it open, absently skimming through the first few pages.
Callie smiled as she thought about Arizona. "Yeah, she's pretty amazing from what I hear."
Rachel shrugged. "It wouldn't hurt to look into it. If she went to Hopkins, I'm sure Kinley would be drooling to have her on his team. Especially if she's already finished half of the fellowship requirements."
Even though a part of Callie knew that this wasn't her inquiry to be making, she couldn't help but feel a tingle of excitement in the pit of her belly. Arizona had said that she didn't know where to begin rebuilding; well, Callie might have just found her a starting point. It couldn't hurt to ask.
Dr. Adam's pager went off at her side. "Shoot, I gotta go." Backing away, she called out one last thing. "Hey, tell your friend that Kinley's got a spot opening up in the fall when Tim Gates moves away. She should apply."
The flutter in her stomach grew bigger. "Thank you," Callie replied, her mind suddenly racing with the possibilities. She twisted the lab results in her hands as she replayed the conversation a few times in her head.
Arizona was right; maybe it was time to retire her Navy badges. But she could also hang up her trauma hat in the process. Callie was suddenly positive that she knew where the next best thing might lead.
#*#*
Arizona was packing up some leftovers in the kitchen when the front door opened around 8:30 P.M. She heard the telltale noise of keys jingling in Callie's hand and a boot kicking the door shut behind her. Both of her roommates were loud when they came home from work, but Callie's stomping had a certain rhythm to it and Arizona always knew when it was her. It was probably a weird thing to notice but she had become accustomed to picking up on sounds during her three years with the Marines. It was a habit by now.
"Honey, I'm home." Callie swaggered around the corner. "Ooh, what'cha makin'?" she asked, hovering over Arizona's shoulder.
Turning her head for a quick 'hello' kiss, Arizona smiled at her girlfriend's cheerful demeanor. "Nothing special, just some pasta and salad. You hungry?"
"Starving," Callie groaned, dumping her purse on the counter before gathering Arizona in her arms. She snaked them around the blonde's waist and pulled her close, tilting her head down and kissing her soundly on the lips.
Surprised by the move, Arizona nonetheless leaned into it, threading her fingers through Callie's hair and enjoying the moment. "Mm, somebody had a good day," she murmured when they broke apart again.
Callie's eyes were absolutely sparkling. "I did have a good day; now it's getting better."
Beaming, Arizona tugged on Callie's jacket and nodded over her shoulder. "You want me to fix you up a plate? I didn't think you'd be home until later or I would've waited."
"In a minute," Callie replied. She chewed on her bottom lip and gave Arizona's hips another squeeze. "I wanted to talk to you about something first."
Arizona must have looked apprehensive because Callie laughed and planted another kiss on top of the first one.
"Jeeze, don't look so terrified."
"Are you kicking me out already?" the blonde mused, only half joking.
Callie squinted at her. "No, I'm not kicking you out."
Arizona hummed skeptically. "You didn't get us a cat, did you? Because I'm pretty sure we're already a big enough stereotype as it is."
"Would you just zip it and let me talk already?" Callie tugged on her waist. "I did not get you a cat. I got you information."
Now Arizona looked confused. "About what?"
Even though she was excited, Callie couldn't help but feel the bundle of nervousness stir in her belly. She remembered Arizona's initial reluctance to talk about her work, but she was positive that this opportunity was too good to pass up. "About the fact that there's a pediatrics fellowship opening up at Seattle Grace in the fall. September, to be exact, but the start could be delayed if you need the extra time to get your strength back."
Arizona's whole expression suddenly went completely blank and she leaned away from their embrace. "You…what?"
Callie's nerves grew. "I was working with one of our peds fellows on a case today and we got talking. I told her about your situation with the Marines and how you might be thinking about a change down the road."
Arizona's brow skyrocketed. "You shouldn't have wasted your time," she said stiffly.
Callie was expecting some level of resistance, but when the blonde suddenly pulled out of her arms entirely, she frowned. "Hey, I didn't sign you up for anything, I just asked a few questions. That's all."
"'That's all'?" Arizona echoed, a range of emotions flickering across her face, none of them immediately identifiable. "I can't believe you," she accused, barely managing to keep her voice down. "You are unbelievable ."
Callie's jubilance at her discovery faltered. "What? No, I wasn't—"
"We're not talking about this." Arizona's movements were jerky as she shoved the lid onto a big Ziploc container and stuffed it inside the fridge.
Callie jumped when she slammed the door closed. "Hold on a second. I didn't go into detail or tell her your name or anything; I just thought she might know a few things about the program and whether or not Kinley would take on someone that's already half finished."
When she still received no reaction other than being ignored, she stepped in to block Arizona's exit and gently took her by the arm. "You were so close, Arizona, it would probably only take you a couple of months to finish. This could be a really big—"
"None of this was your business to ask about in the first place, Callie," Arizona snapped, jerking away and jamming a crutch under her right arm. "God, you are so out of line right now!"
Shocked, Callie tried to backpedal in a hurry. "No, stop, would you just – listen to me." Instead, Arizona spun around and hobbled into the living room, Callie following behind as she tried to grasp at what was happening. "Hey, I'm trying to talk to you."
Arizona pivoted again, wobbling in place. Her entire body was rigged with tension and her arm shook as she leaned her weight into the crutch. "I told you it was none of your damn business and that I didn't want to talk about it. A-and then you what, go walking around asking people if they can pen my name in for September? Without asking me if that's something I even wanted first?"
"It came up in a conversation," Callie shot back, raising her voice. "And in case you've forgotten, you wouldn't talk to me about it when I tried."
"Because the last thing in the world I have time to worry about right now is going back to work, Callie!" Arizona yelled. "Why the hell can't you get that?"
"All you do is sit around here worrying yourself sick," Callie reasoned, taking a small step closer. "I see you every day, Arizona; you have no idea what comes next and I think that terrifies you."
"How the hell would you know?" Arizona said bitterly. "We have one half conversation about it and suddenly you just assume that I'm—"
"I'm not assuming anything." Callie closed her eyes and huffed. "I'm trying to help. This isn't me pushing you into going back to work before you're ready. It's called support, something that's part of being in a relationship. Maybe you've heard of it."
"Oh, right, because if you think it's I need to do something, even after I told you it's never going to happen, that's what support is." Arizona scoffed and looked away.
"Exactly, you told me; you didn't explain why ."
"I am not a pediatric surgeon, Calliope. I don't know how else I'm supposed to spell it out for you. I was with the Marines longer than I was in peds."
Callie folded her arms. "So you're saying you want to go back to Iraq instead? After everything you went through?"
Something dangerous flashed in Arizona's eyes. "Do not talk to me about Iraq," she snapped.
Callie stopped, shocked into silence. She had never, ever heard Arizona sound so angry or defensive before, or look so shaken up.
Arizona bit her tongue and sucked in shallow breath, her heart pounding violently inside of her chest. "Have you ever been in a place where everyone around you is probably going to die and there is nothing you can do to save them?"
Callie didn't know how to answer that. She dropped her arms away, some of the fight leaving her body when she saw how pale the other woman was. "Arizona…"
"Not to mention that the last time I was in an OR I nearly got myself killed, so forgive me if I'm not exactly keen on repeating the experience." Arizona turned away, furious that she felt tears burning behind her eyes. She hated that her tear ducts were wired to her anger fuse.
Callie winced. As if she needed a reminder. "But that's why this peds fellowship could be a way to start over," she pushed, exasperated. "Don't you get what I'm saying here? You don't' need to go back."
"What is your deal with the fact that I'm a trauma surgeon?" Arizona turned, failing to keep her composure. "This is who I am now, Callie. It's what I'm good at. Stop trying to change me."
"I'm not trying to change you!" Callie's head hurt; she was so confused. "You just said you didn't want to go back there, and I'm sorry, but it doesn't really seem like you want to do the trauma thing in America, either."
"I don't know what I want! There, are you happy?" Arizona blinked hard and had to look away; she knew it was obvious that she was crying by now. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please, just drop it."
Callie took a careful step forward, afraid of spooking Arizona again. Her stomach was tied in knots and it killed her to see the blonde so upset by something that she had done. "And what, watch you tear yourself apart every day because you refuse to talk to anyone? That's not how this works. I can help you if you'd just let me."
"Just - stop ." Arizona jerked away and held her head in her hands, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. She felt like she was backed into a corner and the adrenaline pumping through her veins was dragging up old memories; memories of things she refused to think about ever again; memories that if let in would only bring back the choking stench of burnt flesh and plumes of smoke; memories of the crippling loss of her brother and the irreparable fissure it left behind in their family. She couldn't go back to either of those places, not when she felt like she was still fighting for her life - even if she didn't know what life that was anymore.
Callie stopped, a deep pang reverberating in her chest. She was horrified to have caused such a visceral reaction. "I'm sorry, okay? God, I'm so sorry. I won't talk about it anymore, I swear. Just let me-"
Arizona shook her head and dropped her hands away, refusing to make eye contact with tears of humiliation streaming down her face. "I can't. Okay? I can't. Not now."
Callie could only watch helplessly as Arizona stumbled towards the bedroom, barely hanging onto the single crutch at her side. She felt sick and wanted nothing more than to follow her and take it all back; she wanted to rewind to ten minutes ago and never mention the conversation she'd had with Dr. Adams in the first place.
Instead she stood rooted to the spot, listening to the door slam across the apartment that cut off any further communication. The silence that followed was hollow and deafening, and all she could do was wonder what the hell had just happened.