Lydia stumbled forward on the stairs, trying not to let Artemis and Lily struggle too much with her blindfolded self as they led her…wherever they were leading her. They'd spun her around a few times and doubled back at least twice in order to disorient her.

Nothing with her friends could ever be simple.

She sighed as they stopped her, and she heard one of them – probably Artemis from the crisp, forceful sound – knock on a door.

Lydia stiffened as she heard a door swinging open and she heard Sirius's bark-like laugh. She smiled to herself, forgetting for a moment that he could see her.

"Hello, lovely," he said, kissing Lydia's cheek. "You know, Evans, when James told you that you could blindfold her, I don't think he was being serious."

"I was," James called from in whatever room it was. "Bring her in, ladies. We're ready."

Lydia felt her heart pounding as the girls pushed her forward into the room and Sirius took her hands gently, leading her forward. After about ten steps he stopped her and she heard a door close. He removed the blindfold and she saw that she was in their dormitory. There was cake, presents, and even a section in the corner where Lily could study for N.E.W.T.s through the celebration so that she didn't miss any valuable time.

With a laugh, Lydia allowed Sirius to help her into the place of honor prepared for her, right in front of her presents, while Remus poured drinks for the lot of them and James began to carefully cut the cake.

"There are too many presents here," she pointed out, having counted all of them.

"We know," James said softly. "These are all the presents you should be getting.

Lydia frowned, but after a moment she realized what he meant.

They'd given her three extra because she no longer had her parents, or Mary, to give her presents. She looked at Sirius with wide eyes and he shook his head.

If he didn't tell them, who did?

James cleared his throat sheepishly.

"Erm, I had my mum go knocking on your door in hopes of getting them to chip in pictures and stuff for the big graduation party we're going to throw at the end of the year and nobody answered. She told Lily's parents about it and they started to look into it, checking every couple of days, and they contacted Dumbledore finally and he investigated…. And Gringotts cleared it up, actually, said you'd been orphaned for years."

Lydia blinked, stunned. First of all, she hadn't expected anyone to go through so much trouble for just her. But even more important, Dumbledore hadn't known that her parents were dead.

"And I asked Sirius and…and he didn't give me details but he said it was a bit tragic," James said, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Anyway, we decided to supplement."

Lily was giving a Lydia that said she would want an explanation later, and although no one said anything Lydia knew they were aching for some sort of answers.

"I didn't want you to worry," she said softly, looking down at the presents. "I didn't want you to think I needed things I didn't need. And I…."

She trailed off, thinking of the glassy-eyed look on her mother's dead face.

Lydia smiled, reaching toward the presents.

"Which one first, then?" she asked, and Artemis, quickest to recover, insisted that her gift be opened right away. Lydia felt Sirius sit behind her on the floor, a leg on either side of her, arms wrapping around her waist as she took the present Artemis handed her.

During the process of unwrapping her presents, Lydia began to feel that Sirius was clinging to her more and more tightly, and she saw that Remus was gripping his drink with a more and more dangerously strong grip. She felt Sirius rest his lips against her shoulder, nuzzling his forehead against her neck gently.

It was a sweet gesture, but it was thoughtless. Could he really not see that Remus was uncomfortable? Could he not see that she was uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally?

But Lydia knew enough about Sirius by this time to know that he was selfish. He could be sweet, loving, tender in their moments alone. When he saw her being vulnerable he knew just how to make her feel better. But he was also possessive, demanding, a bit pushy. At this point in their relationship she no longer wondered if he had purposefully backed her into a corner at the Quidditch party, putting his arm around her. She knew he had. Any time they were around Remus, Severus, or any boy who had ever even been friendly with Lydia, Sirius grew a bit more protective, and it was the worst around Remus.

The cake was a good cake, but it tasted a bit like ash in Lydia's mouth. The drink was perfect as always, but Lydia wanted spit out every sip of it.

She didn't regret being with Sirius. It was what she had wanted. She wanted someone who desired her, who valued her, even if it wasn't the way James valued or wanted Lily.

But she couldn't help but hear Severus's words in her head, comparing Sirius with her father. She shivered as Sirius's fingers traced the curve of her shoulder while they cleaned up at the end of the party, and he kissed her jaw.

"I love you," he said huskily, and she closed her eyes.

She could hear the gunshots, could feel Severus holding her as she cried….

Sometimes love wasn't enough. Lydia's parents had said those things once too, although Lydia barely remembered those days anymore. Was Severus right? Would a day ever come where Sirius and Lydia resented each other so much that she would find herself turning into her mother? Cowering, desperate, defenseless, until one day….

Lydia said she had to go to the bathroom, made her excuses, splashed water on her face, and when she came back out announced that while the party had been lovely, she and Lily had a study session planned. Sirius kissed her, and she and Lily went back to their own dormitory.

"First things first," Lily said, sitting down across from Lydia on her own bed as they pulled out their books and notes, "why did you tell me that your parents were dead?"

The hurt in her voice was unmistakable. It had been hard, not telling Lily. They told each other quite nearly everything, and yet ever since her parents died Lydia knew they had been growing apart, too. It wasn't the same as with Severus. It wasn't choosing sides. It was a sacrifice, part of keeping Severus as a friend, which Lily would never really understand or approve of. How could she? She had parents who loved her. She hadn't needed Severus's friendship, his camaraderie in hell.

"I was afraid," Lydia said honestly. "I didn't know what would happen if anyone found out and…and Severus and I agreed it was best if no one found out. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but…"

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Lily said urgently, her pretty green eyes shining with unshed tears. "And I'm so sorry you had to go through it without me."

"Don't worry about it, Lily," Lydia said softly, picking at a string on the duvet. "They weren't very good parents. Not the worst, but…"

Her mind trailed to Eileen Snape, who had asked after Lydia. Had she seen Mrs. Potter trying to get into the house? Had she seen Lily's parents visiting every day? Did she know for certain? Had she told Severus?

` "But you didn't deserve it," Lily sniffed.

Lydia supposed that if she heard that such a thing had happened to Lily, she would be much more upset than she was about her own situation.

"Sirius is very good to you, isn't he?" Lily sighed, opening her book. "I hate admitting it, not only because it means Artemis was right, but also because I insisted for so long…. Oh, Lydia, just think, we could be godmothers to each other's children!"

Lydia blinked.

That conversation had shifted remarkably quickly. One minute they were lamenting Lydia's long dead parents, the next they were talking about their future children with Sirius and James and marriage and…and…

"Maybe," Lydia said, flipping through her Charms notes.

The girls studied in silence for about an hour. Lydia was able to fall into a comfortable routine of it. They'd spent years studying together, being friends in this way. It was something familiar, comforting, but also quiet and calm.

The quiet part was usually a positive, but Lydia kept finding her mind wander to the possessive way Sirius had been holding her.

Was Lily right? Was it him being good to her? Sometimes she felt like he looked at her like a prize, not a person. Maybe she could be both somehow, but if she could she didn't quite know how.

Lydia was also having a hard time studying for exams, knowing that her article was about to be published. She knew it was part of the reason her friends were being so nice to her, because she was being published and it was such an exciting time. But she wished they would go on treating her as they always did.

Lily finally put her quill down and looked up at Lydia with a frown.

"Why did you choose Sirius?" she asked softly.

Lydia shrugged.

"I didn't," she admitted.

"But Remus…"

"Remus didn't want me," Lydia muttered, turning away.

Lily raised her eyebrows.

"Lydia," she said slowly, "I know he's a bit stubborn, but he does want you. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. He's really upset."

"Then he shouldn't have told me to date Sirius," Lydia said, jaw set, looking up at her best friend. Lily gasped, shaking her head in disbelief. "He did, Lily. Multiple times. And when I begged him, he continued to push me away. I can't be with him if he refuses to let me."

They sat in silence as Lily digested this information.

"Oh, Lydia."

"Don't," Lydia said as Lily's pale, delicate hand reached out to touch her. "Don't touch me. Please."

They stayed silent for a while longer and Lily said, "I don't think this is what he meant, you know. I don't think he realized how much it would hurt both of you."

It didn't matter. Why could Lily not see that it didn't matter what he meant? He pushed Lydia away, he told her to be with Sirius. He said…he said….

"No," Lydia sighed, lying back on the bed. "Even if I wanted to drop everything and try to have him again, I couldn't fix it now."

She wasn't sure if there was truly no way to fix it, but Lydia didn't have the energy to try. Her real issue was trying to decide what to do about Sirius's possessive behavior, and if she felt she could deal with it or if she might perhaps have to ask him to tone it down. But then, she'd put up with Severus's possessive behavior, and even Lily's to some extent.

But Lily and Severus were important to her.

But so was Sirius, wasn't he? Why would she have sex with him if he wasn't?

She and Lily sat in companionable silence for another long moment, but both had virtually given up entirely on studying. Suddenly, Lily closed the curtains around them and muttered a spell. Lydia raised her eyebrow.

The only person who would walk into their dormitory was Artemis. What on earth was so heavy that Lily wanted to keep it from Artemis?

"James told me he walked in on you two…having sex." She paused. "Was Remus there too?"

"Yeah," Lydia muttered, blushing. There were really no secrets amongst Marauders, were there? "Yeah, Remus saw. And then Sirius put his arm around me at the party, and well, you know the rest."

Lily's eyes grew dangerously wide.

"You're kidding," she hissed. "That long ago? You had sex a month ago?"

"Yes," Lydia said shifting uncomfortably.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"No," Lydia said, blushing. "I wasn't sure I wanted more people knowing, you know, after the Marauders finding out."

Lily sighed, running her fingers through her hair frantically.

"I could have asked you, then, and I didn't even know it."

"What do you mean?" Lydia said, sitting up straight.

Lily was blushing furiously, but she wasn't getting out of this. There was clearly a story to be told.

"It's nothing," Lily lied. "Only, well…. Well, James and I have started having sex, about a week ago, actually, and I wanted to talk to you or Artemis or someone, but I didn't know who and I wasn't sure what to say and…. Well, it all just sort of happened."

Lydia's jaw actually dropped.

Somehow Lily's having sex with James seemed so much stranger than her own having sex with Sirius. Perhaps it was because she'd had some time to get used to the idea of sleeping with Sirius. Perhaps it was because she was still getting used to the idea of Lily and James being together.

"Well," Lydia said slowly, "how was it?"

"It was probably better for you," Lily said sheepishly. "I mean, James and I were both totally clueless, and at least Sirius probably knew what he was doing."

"Yeah," Lydia admitted, thinking of the way he touched her.

"Anyway, it was a bit awkward and it didn't last very long." Lily bit her lip thoughtfully for a while before whispering, "It sort of hurt, too."

Lydia nodded knowingly.

"Sirius said that's normal," she said. "But it gets better with more practice."

Lily smirked slightly.

"How many times have you done it?" she asked.

"Oh, I dunno," Lydia said, blushing looking down at her hands. "A few. You and James?"

"Just the once," Lily admitted, frowning. "You know, I always thought that I'd save it for my wedding night, that it would be something really special and beautiful."

"Why didn't you?"

Lily picked at her pinky nail slightly, which she really needed to trim. Finally, she sighed and said, "We got a bit caught up in the moment. It just sort of…happened. One minute we're snogging in an abandoned classroom and the next thing he's taking off his shirt and Transfiguring it into a blanket." Lily smiled to herself and hummed slightly. Then she giggled. "It was actually a rather clever bit of Transfiguration. And then…then it just sort of happened, one thing to the next, and it felt really good, having him touch me, you know?"

Lydia nodded, thinking of the sensation caused by Sirius's hand on her breast that she could never seem to duplicate no matter what she tried.

"Anyway," Lily sighed, "I'm a bit glad I didn't wait until marriage, or our wedding night wouldn't have been half as wonderful as I hoped." Lydia gave her a quizzical look, but Lily just continued. "I mean, if things get better every time…"

"Wait," Lydia interrupted, determined to get a straight answer from her friend. "Did you basically just say that you are going to marry James?"

Lily's eyes widened as she realized the implications of her own words. Finally, she swallowed and said, "Well, I suppose that's rather the point of dating, isn't it? Either you marry or you break up. And at this point, I can't see myself breaking up with him."

"True," Lydia said softly, wondering if she and Sirius were ever going to think about things like marriage. Did he even want to marry? He was so alternative…. Maybe he wouldn't want to take that path?

But then, did she? She'd seen what happened when people weren't careful about marrying. Her parents, Severus's parents….

Lydia suppressed a shudder and continued to contemplate. Surely Sirius and she would never end up like that, but she wasn't sure if that was enough to decide they should marry. What would she say if he asked her? Could she tell him no, especially if he was looking at her hopefully?

Could she say yes, knowing that in spite of everything she still was so in love with Remus?

People shouldn't have to make such decisions at seventeen.

"Well, I'm very happy for you," Lydia finally said, flicking a bit of lint off her skirt. "If nothing else, James Potter adores you, and I suppose that will make for a very fine start to any sort of long-term commitment."

Lily smiled.

"You know, Sirius adores you, too. I was hesitant to support you two, but I've seen the way he looks at you, like you're the most precious thing he's ever seen. It's so sweet."

Sirius did adore her, in his way, but it was so different from James and Lily.

Perhaps they were the tainted version of James and Lily. Perhaps all of the pain and suffering they had seen, had experience, had taken the adorable, sweet, innocent love of James and Lily and turned it into something possessive and uncomfortable. The question then became was it toxic?

And Lydia had no answers. She didn't know what she wanted, or if she ought to want what she had. She could not judge anything in her situation because she was afraid of both keeping and losing Sirius.

Instead of telling Lily of her fears – because how could Lily possibly understand? – Lydia just smiled at her friend and said, "Maybe you're right. Now, back to work."

Lydia picked up her homework and began going over every question, even the ones she had gotten right all those years ago. She noticed, however, that Lily wasn't studying. Lily was watching her carefully, frowning thoughtfully. Desperate to keep her friend from asking questions, she looked up at her, smiled, and said, "Could you help me with Charms? You've always been so good at this."

And that was all it took to get Lily to focus on work once more.