A big thank you to everyone who reviewed/alerted/messaged and what not.
Sorry about the delay; an old friend died and I didn't much feel like writing. Thanks for your patience.
This is it…the chapter where Gibbs and Tony finally talk things out. But will it solve anything?
Tony arrived at Bethesda just in time for the evening visiting hours. He suspected that this talk between the two of them would certainly last the two hours permitted, and would probably go beyond that. He'd ensured that he was carrying his badge in case he needed a few extra minutes with his boss. He may never have been a Boy-Scout, but years of working alongside one Leroy Jethro Gibbs had imprinted the 'Always be prepared' motto his mind.
When he came to the Senior Agent's room, the bed was empty and the IV stand was gone. Must be walking the halls, Tony thought to himself.
He had come prepared; in his hand he held a small cardboard tray holding two cups of very strong coffee for his boss and a cappuccino for himself. He placed the tray down of the floor behind the chair, hoping to halt any interrogations from the nurses.
Besides the coffee tray, he placed a small brown paper bag, which held some food and a couple of magazines for his boss. He had also brought along copies of the case-files, knowing that Gibbs would be going out of his mind with boredom.
He understood that; one of the main reasons he hated being stuck in the hospital himself was that there was nothing to focus the mind on.
He was halfway through his cappuccino when Gibbs walked back in, dressed in old sweatpants and a faded NIS t-shirt. The older man was clinging to his IV stand as if it was the only thing keeping him on his feet. He saw Tony and offered a hesitant smile; the younger man knew that Gibbs wouldn't like anyone seeing him in this shape, but there was little he could do about it.
The nurse, one that Tony hadn't seen before, got Gibbs settled and then injected a small dose of what he assumed must be a painkiller of some kind. She left the two of them alone without saying a word.
As soon as she was out of sight Gibbs let out a big sigh of relief.
"Thank God she's gone. She's a nurse from the physio department," Gibbs said with a hint of malice in his voice, as if that small sentence explained everything.
Tony could guess where the hostility came from. He'd received physiotherapy before and when the sessions first started, the pain and exhaustion that arose felt close to torture.
"So you're looking forward to tomorrow's session then?" he smirked at his boss and completely ignored the deadly glare Gibbs shot him.
"Just hand me the damn coffee," the older man grouched.
Once he had the coffee in hand he took a long sip and looked over his Senior Field Agent. Tony looked lighter; his shoulders were no longer hunched down as if he were carrying the weight of the world on them. His eyes were bright and clear and when he had joked about Gibbs' misfortune, the smile reached his eyes. They were subtle changes but they made all the difference.
"So…" Gibbs began uncertainly. Both Abby and Ducky had practically threatened him not to screw this up; easier said than done he thought morosely to himself.
Tony could read the hesitation in his boss' eyes easily; he was sure that same uncertainty was in his own eyes!
"We've finished the case," Tony blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "I've brought copies of the case files, thought you might like something to do."
"Thanks," Gibbs offered with a short, sharp nod. He'd heard that the case was over from both Abby and Ducky, but they had both decided to leave the details to Tony. "So who was it?"
"A former Recon Marine called Eric Winters. He got into the drug dealing business to try and raise money for his sister; she's got Motor Neurone Disease. Those he killed were because he was trying to protect himself."
Gibbs shook his head; all those deaths came out of someone initially trying to help his sister. The road to Hell…he thought.
"How'd the sister take it?"
"Don't know; Winters asked us not to say anything to her. She hasn't got long to live by the looks of it so I didn't see the harm; no-one should have to die with that on their conscience. I just hope she doesn't watch the news for the next couple of days."
Gibbs remained silent but nodded along; he knew that if it had been up to him, he too would have tried to keep the poor woman from spending her last days blaming herself for her brother's desperate and misguided actions.
"Everyone work well together?" he asked curiously. While he wanted to know about the two LEO's that the team had worked with and enjoyed doing so, he also wanted to know how Ziva and McGee had responded to Tony being in charge once again.
"Surprisingly, yes. It was all a lot smoother than last time, although probably because they knew you'd be back in charge soon." Tony gave a mischievous grin at the last comment.
Gibbs, however, frowned. He couldn't understand why Tony still lacked the confidence in his leadership skills; he'd proven to himself and others that he was more than competent. Of course, Gibbs had ignored Jen's advice about congratulating Tony on his efforts while he was away in Mexico; however, he still couldn't understand why his word would carry so much weight with the younger man.
"They say something? Ignore your orders?" he asked with a little more heat to his tone than he had intended. He hoped that the team had been supportive of Tony; with the risk of him leaving for good, everyone needed to pull together and let Tony know that he was appreciated and respected and even liked.
It was Tony's turn to frown. He had told Gibbs that everyone had worked well together; the result being the criminal put behind bars. Had someone else thought that things hadn't gone smoothly? Both Ziva and McGee seemed to agree with him at lunch. Had Ducky or Abby seen the new team dynamic differently?
"As far as I know, we did well. There was a small incident with Ziva breaking out the lock-picks in front of Rebecca Simmons, but I sorted it. We got the bad guy, we're all talking to each other, and no-one died. I'd call that a success." Tony grinned at his boss again, this time with a little more certainty in his eyes; he was sure that the team had worked well together.
Gibbs returned the grin. He liked that Ziva had the skills, but she had to learn when and where to use them; court cases depended on procedure and protocol and people believing that they had been followed. If a life was in danger, then he was prepared to turn a blind eye and do what needed to be done, otherwise he didn't want to give anyone the chance to get off on a mere technicality.
"Well that's something I guess; Ziva didn't even give you a black eye…impressive," he nodded his approval, a wry grin slowly creeping across his face. Tony easily returned the grin, glad to see that his boss was in a good mood. "You did good DiNozzo; you kept everyone on track despite the circumstances and you solved the case."
"Thanks Boss," Tony said with much more calm than he was feeling. Gibbs rarely gave out praise; an occasional 'good job' was thrown out when he was feeling particularly benevolent, but even those were infrequent.
He grew slightly frustrated with himself; he was angry with Gibbs but the man's praise still meant so much to him. What was it about the man that made him crave his approval?
Gibbs didn't know what else they could talk about; he wasn't normally a man to waste time on small talk but he really wasn't sure how to start this conversation and he feared the direction it may take and the consequences it may carry. However, he knew that words needed to be said and he knew that he was the one that had to say them. He took a deep breath to try and steady his nerves.
"So, you're still set on leaving?"
Tony studied his hands intently unable to retain eye contact though this conversation; he was afraid to see disappointment and anger in them.
"Yeah, I guess. I haven't really done much about looking around though; the case kind of took over."
"Why do you want to leave Tony?" Gibbs asked with an almost exasperated sigh. How the hell could he rectify this?
"Didn't we already have this conversation? It didn't end too well." Tony pointed out, hoping to avoid a discussion that he knew Gibbs would not let go, no matter how much he asked him too.
"Yes we did talk; we were both angry and frustrated and let our emotions cloud the issue. You said you wanted to leave because of the Grenouille assignment and because of Jen. You said you wanted to leave because of the whole DOMINO mess. You said you wanted to leave because…because you didn't trust me. Is that true?"
It was Tony's turn to sigh. Gibbs was still in his hospital bed recovering from a GSW; this really wasn't the time or place for a conversation of this magnitude.
"Tony?" Gibbs asked, waiting for him to answer his question and not liking the fact that there was even a moment's hesitation. Tony always used to trust him and follow his lead without questioning his motives; he'd taken that for granted and now look where it had got them.
"I don't know Gibbs. I mean I guess I trust you to watch my six out in the field; there's no-one I'd rather have watching my back. But you screwed us over; you set us up with the whole war-game bullshit and withheld information from us. You didn't trust us…you didn't trust me; after eight years you'd think I'd earned at least that."
"Tony, I didn't keep it from you because I didn't trust you. Lee had already killed someone; I couldn't risk her suspecting something and killing one of my team…I couldn't risk you!" he ended firmly, trying to bring the point home to Tony.
"Did you think I was involved?" Tony demanded with an equally firm tone.
"No, of course not! I…"
"Did you not trust me to keep a secret?"
"Tony, of course I trust you; you wouldn't be on the team if I didn't. I chose you as my Senior Field Agent, I left you in charge of the team…I let you stay at my house for Christ's sake!" He rarely let anyone sleep there; there were too many memories of Shannon and Kelly that he didn't want people to intrude on.
"Then why couldn't you trust me with it? Why did you play me? You treated me and the rest of the team in exactly the same way that you treated Lee; you kept us all in the dark, pulling on our strings. I've done so many undercover operations Gibbs; hell, I did the Grenouille op. when I was trying to lead a team and no-one knew, not Jeanne, not René and not the team. I can keep secrets; I could have handled it!"
"Why didn't you tell me about your undercover assignment? You lied to me about that, you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth, but you don't see me quitting do you. People keep secrets Tony."
"But that was need to know," Tony stressed the difference. "I wanted to tell you…it was killing me having to hide that whole mess from you. But you were in Mexico for four months Gibbs. You never phoned me and let me know where you were, you gave Abs a number for a phone-box which she wasn't even supposed to share with us unless it was an emergency…you didn't want us getting in touch. So how the hell could I have told you then?
"Then you come back, and just…you treated me like crap Gibbs! You made it very clear I wasn't going to get any answers and that I shouldn't ask you any questions. Was I supposed to tell you then? When you threw all my things onto my desk and acted like the last four months hadn't happened!
"I needed your advice when Jen first came to me with this op. but you weren't there. I had to hold a team together and look after a distraught Abs and an angry Ducky. On top of that I had to get used to all the new responsibilities that came along with being team-lead and there was no-one there to help me with that. I had to work cases and break in a new Probie. Then the Director comes to me and asks me to do an undercover op. to catch an arms-dealer. I didn't know it was some personal vendetta for her.
"You weren't there for any of that Gibbs! I didn't tell you because you weren't there, and when you were, you just didn't seem to give a crap!"
Tony's voice had steadily risen in volume and his eyes had become clouded with anger. He remembered the punch bag and how his hands became more bloodied and bruised as he allowed the anger to take hold; he needed to hit something now and release some of the pressure he'd tried to bury but he didn't think the doctors and nurses of Bethesda would appreciate it if he blew off some steam on one of their patients.
Gibbs sighed; he hadn't meant to get DiNozzo angry, especially not this angry, but he also knew that he would have to push on with this conversation no matter what. He didn't think that he could live with himself if Tony did leave and he hadn't done everything in his power to try and stop him from doing so.
He understood where Tony was coming from; he hadn't been around. When he was in Mexico he had purposefully left those in DC behind. He'd given Abby the number for a phone-box so that she could get in touch if there was an emergency, which came in the form of Ziva's potential arrest.
However, he had not tried to contact Tony and make sure he was ok and handling the team, partly because he trusted Tony and partly because he very much wanted not to care. He hadn't even phoned Ducky and he had known the man for so many years.
His return to NCIS was abrupt and unannounced and Jen's words were coming back to haunt him; he should have said something. DiNozzo was right; he hadn't checked up on his Senior Field Agent to make sure he was ok. He knew now that Tony had struggled with being Agent DiNozzo and Professor DiNardo; he knew that the younger man had all too easily given into his alter ego because on some level he wanted to be the easy-going, untroubled media professor and not the jaded, troubled agent he was fast becoming.
"I'm sorry that I didn't get in touch and that I wasn't there when you needed me. I can't change that, but I'm here now, trying to help." Gibbs confessed, his voice obtaining an almost desperate edge to it.
"I'm not angry that you didn't tell me about the Grenouille operation; that was Jen's job. When I came back, when I took over as team-lead again, she should have told me what she was doing with my agent. You're a damn good undercover agent Tony, and you're right, no-one knew, not even me. I'm sorry if I was a bastard when I came back from Mexico; I guess when I left I never thought I'd have to come back and I didn't really know how to handle it too well when I did. I'm sorry."
Tony still wasn't used to hearing those words; for too long had the rule 'never apologise; it's a sign of weakness' been drilled into him. However, it was because of this rule that Tony knew just how sincere Gibbs was being.
"I'm also sorry that I didn't tell you about the whole DOMINO thing. Whether you believe me or not, it wasn't because I didn't trust you. I do trust you Tony; I wouldn't have kept you as my Senior Field Agent for nearly eight years if I didn't."
"You played me Gibbs; you pulled my strings just like Jen did with the whole Benoit thing, and look how that turned out," Tony stated quietly. This was the crux of the matter; he'd been manipulated by a man who he had nothing but respect for. Jen's own manipulations had ended with disaster and death and a massive loss of trust in the higher echelons of NCIS leadership. Gibbs' actions had caused Tony to question much about himself and his position on the team.
"Tony, I…"
"No," Tony interrupted. Thinking about what Gibbs had done and what Jen had done, he could feel his anger that he had shoved deep down inside bubble to the surface.
"Don't try to tell me that it's not important or that you didn't mean it; you did mean it Gibbs…you made a conscious decision. Just like you did when you stormed off to Mexico because you didn't get your own way! Just like you did when you came back without a word to anyone! Just like you did when you stood by and did nothing while Jen and La Grenouille continually fucked me over! Just like you did when you stood by and let Vance destroy our team!"
"That's unfair," interjected Gibbs, his own anger coming to the surface. "I fought to keep the team together, and when that didn't work I sure as hell fought to get us all back together. I went to Mexico because the higher ups refused to listen to me and people died because of it, and I didn't know about the undercover operation until it was already too late. What…"
"You didn't know about it because you weren't there, because you didn't care enough to ask. When I wasn't with Jeanne and pretending to be a media professor, Jen had me doing surveillance and intelligence gathering. For the four months that you were lying on a beach in Mexico and during all those months after you came back I was working non-stop.
"I was exhausted and confused and completely emotionally fucked! You've worked alongside me for eight years and you never miss anything about anyone, but you didn't give enough of a crap to ask what was going on!"
"So if I was awful to you, such a bastard, why the hell didn't you just go instead of hanging around all this time? Why give two weeks notice instead of just walking out the door?" Gibbs shouted, frustration over-riding any common sense that would require him to handle this situation with more delicacy.
"Because I didn't want to be like you! You just left Gibbs and you didn't give a crap about what or who you left behind! Well I do! You weren't there…you didn't see how your leaving like that and not staying in touch affected everyone. Abby was so upset Gibbs; it took days just to get her to stop crying! And Ducky…he's one of your oldest friends Gibbs, and what you did almost ruined all of that. I've never seen Ducky that angry with anyone!
"I don't know how most people see me but I know a lot of agents round here find me over-bearing and childish and…" he shook his head not wanting to continue, but he knew he had to. "I don't even know how you feel about me, especially after all this crap, and I've worked with you for eight years! Well I know that Abby and Ducky and Jimmy give a damn; I know that and I value it and I was not going to throw all of that away by storming off out the door because I was too angry to listen to reason!"
Gibbs was quiet, trying to digest his Senior Field Agent's words as well as his anger. He knew when he came back that Ducky had been pissed off with him; the cold shoulder wasn't hard to miss. The rest of the team, however, appeared to be fine. He knew Abby would have been upset, but she was a strong woman and he knew she would be fine. Wouldn't she?
God…he really was a bastard!
Tony was right; he had just left these people. He left them and then he came back without a word to anyone about his decisions both times. Abby was much too forgiving to hold a grudge against him, but Ducky…the M.E. was one of his oldest, most steadfast friends, and he'd ignored him for four months because he was pissed off about a decision made by the higher echelons of NCIS.
"What about if I leave…would you stay then? You could take control of the team, stay in DC…"
He was interrupted by Tony, who leant over and, for the first time that he could ever remember, gave his boss a head-slap. Gibbs was too surprised to direct his infamous glare at his Senior Field Agent and, by the look of things, DiNozzo was too surprised himself to have registered anything that his boss might have done.
"You want to explain that?" Gibbs asked, his voice full of curiosity rather than anger.
"You can't leave Gibbs, you are NCIS. The team need you!" Tony said firmly.
"They need you too," Gibbs insisted just as firmly.
"No, they need a good investigator, a good Senior Field Agent; there are a few of them out there," Tony said with a wry grin.
"Not like you though."
"Besides," Tony continued, ignoring the compliment that he didn't know how to respond to anyway, "You leaving NCIS wouldn't solve anything. I still don't trust Vance and I'm pretty sure he doesn't trust me."
"He seems pretty set on getting you to stay; seems like he could trust you," Gibbs suggested.
"Vance wants to keep me for two reasons; one, to keep you happy and two, because he has finally recognised that I'm a good agent. However, just because he thinks I might hold some worth for NCIS that does not mean that he trusts me!"
"Maybe not," Gibbs agreed. He knew that Tony would not accept any platitudes and would not believe them anyway. "That doesn't mean it won't come. When Morrow first became Director we had plenty of clashes and Jen came to trust you with her own personal mess once she got to know you."
"No, she didn't trust me otherwise she would have told me about the connection between Benoit and her father."
"She didn't trust anyone with that because she knew that the way she was going about trying to get her revenge was wrong; that had nothing to do with how much she trusted you, she was just trying to cover her own ass," Gibbs stressed, trying to make Tony see that respect and trust could be earned, despite his previous experiences with Jen.
Tony could see the sense in what Gibbs was saying, but he couldn't ever see Vance placing any amount of trust in him.
"Tony," Gibbs said quietly and waited until he had the full attention of his Senior Field Agent; "Why are you leaving? Give it to me in bullet points and let me try to help."
Tony frowned; he'd never heard Gibbs sound so desperate.
"I don't know that I can put it into bullet points. I know that I'm angry and some of my reasons make me sound like a pouting child, but…it's just that everything seems like it's been building up to this, it's getting to be too much."
"Like what? Talk to me Tony, I can't help if I don't know what's going on with you," Gibbs pointed out, eager for Tony to lay it all out for him. He wasn't sure words would be enough this time but he had to try; he'd never forgive himself if he let Tony slip out of the back door. "Start right at the beginning; everything that has ever got to you."
"That's eight years Boss," Tony said, a small smile creeping across his face.
"I know," Gibbs hesitantly returned the smile.
"I've no problem with the early years; I was out of the PD and more importantly out of the Precinct in Baltimore and away from my old partner. I didn't much like Blackadder but I liked working together…just you and me. I learned a lot and I pissed everyone off who had put money into that pool going against me," he smiled at this.
Gibbs laughed at this. He was aware when he brought the Homicide Detective back from Baltimore that there would be speculation; Gibbs didn't have a great record at keeping a team together for long and he was infamous for not getting on with local LEO's.
Tony was young and he dressed well for someone on his salary. His methods were unorthodox and his behaviour could be juvenile. He had no military training except for a short stint in a military school. He lacked the discipline that Drill Instructors had implanted in Gibbs and many of the others under NCIS' employ, and DiNozzo seemed to be more prone to questioning authority than following it.
Impressions were made and many in the Agency thought that one Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo was a spoilt frat boy born with a silver spoon in his mouth. They saw his antics and not his abilities; they saw his past record and not his potential. Many people had placed money on just how long this kid would last under the ever watchful eyes of the very Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
They all lost; all, that is, except for one man. Ducky had taken to the new agent immediately and had even made a few unwanted comparisons between Gibbs and Tony. He saw what Gibbs saw and knew that, despite his quick temper and his reputation as a bastard, the team leader would fight to keep someone so well qualified and so dedicated as DiNozzo.
With some careful handling and some one-on-one tutelage he had helped to shape Tony into an even better investigator than he already was. Those first few months and his actions in Baltimore had brought about Tony's unwavering loyalty to him, a loyalty that he hoped he hadn't lost.
"I liked working with Kate," Tony continued. "Sure we had a few quarrels but that's normal. I don't think she ever really understood me, I'm not even sure she liked me, but I knew where we stood. I knew she trusted me out in the field and in the office. She let me watch her six, whereas I'm not sure Ziva ever will.
"When I got the Plague, she stayed with me, lied to me to keep me fighting. That was one hell of a risk, and though I never got to tell her, one I needed and appreciated.
"When she died, how she died…that was hard, but there's nothing anyone can ever do about that. You trusted me then; you trusted me to help you find Haswari, consequences be damned."
"I still trust you Tony," Gibbs insisted firmly but quietly. So far Tony had painted a pretty good picture of his time at NCIS despite the problems. He knew they were getting close to where the problems started.
"Then you got blown up," Tony continued, ignoring Gibbs' compliment once again. "We weren't sure how you'd recover, if you'd recover…then all of a sudden you're awake and you can't remember everything. Then that ship blew up and you left; no matter how hard I try there's no way I can reconcile your actions with the man I thought I knew.
"You left with nothing but a simple 'you'll do.' You left and you never contacted me…anyone! I needed your help Gibbs; I needed the man that came to Baltimore and helped me through all that crap; I needed the man who stood by my side, fighting my corner against the brass back when I was a detective.
"Taking charge would have been hard enough if the team had been willing to listen to me, had actually respected me. Regardless, I did my job; I held the team together and we did the investigations."
"You did a good job too," Gibbs interjected. "I should have told you that a long time ago, and I'm sorry I didn't. The case-closure rate never fell when you took over, and that's a hell of an achievement for your first stint as a team-leader."
Tony looked up at his boss and saw the sincerity in the man's eyes. He felt a slight elation at hearing those words from Gibbs; he had waited so long for some kind of recognition, for a sign that he had done well and that he hadn't messed up as badly as he usually felt he did.
"Then Jen came and asked me to do a few undercover operations. After a while, they all came together to form some background information for René Benoit, or La Grenouille. I should never have agreed. If only I'd known where it was going to lead…
"I needed your advice then more than ever, but you weren't there and Abby was so upset and Ducky was so angry and McGee and Ziva were so intent on questioning everything I did or asked them to do that they would have been of no help whatsoever. If only I'd know how it was all going to end, what it would do to me, to Jeanne…"
"Despite what you may sometimes tell us, you are not a god Tony; you don't…you can't know everything."
"You always seem to," Tony added quietly, his tone wistful rather than petulant.
"If that was true do you really think we'd be here…in this mess?" Gibbs gave Tony a pointed look. He needed his agent to understand that he was wanted, and not just by Abby and Ducky and Palmer, but by his team-mates, by his boss!
"I don't know," Tony admitted. He looked up at Gibbs with the question written clearly in his eyes.
"Tony, if I knew this would happen, if I knew that we…that I might lose you from this team, I would do everything in my power to stop that."
Tony nodded; he could see the honesty in the older man's eyes and accepted that Gibbs wanted him to stay; in spite of all the problems that they had gone through his boss still wanted him on his team, as his Senior Field Agent.
"I can't change anything about the undercover assignments," Gibbs continued. "I wish I could! I won't apologise for going to Mexico; I was too angry at the decisions made, decisions that had terrible consequences for so many sailors. If I had stayed, I would probably have torn this Agency to shreds I was so angry.
"However, how I left and how I came back…those are actions I do regret. I knew people might be a little upset with my decision," he ignored Tony's inelegant snort; "But I guess I never suspected how much it might affect certain people. I won't deny that I wasn't wholly together after the bomb, but I should have known what my leaving would do to the team.
"Ducky is one of my oldest friends and I doubt you'll ever know just how ashamed I am about my behaviour towards him. The blast didn't help me any but I can't use that as an excuse; I should have called him, talked to him.
"Abby is fortunately very forgiving, more so than I deserve, and I can't help but be thankful for it. I'm sorry I left you to hold them together; I know it can't have been easy.
"Ziva and McGee should have treated you with respect and I'm disappointed that they didn't; I left you in charge of the team because I knew that you could do it. Jen thought you were an excellent team-leader; she wouldn't have offered you the Rota position otherwise. You're a good agent Tony, and you've proved yourself a very capable team-leader; I would never have left you in charge if I didn't think you could handle it."
"But when you came back…" Tony started hesitantly, unsure of how to continue. Luckily Gibbs interrupted.
"I know, and all I can do is apologise; I was a bastard! Jen warned me about it but I didn't listen; I couldn't listen! I didn't want to face what had happened before I had left. I didn't want to face the fact that I couldn't leave NCIS because it was far too much a part of who I am. I was…" he couldn't find the right words.
"You were trying to protect yourself," Tony guessed. He understood that; he might enjoy playing the part of the fool but he enjoyed the protection it afforded even more. Gibbs' stern demeanour was a lot less fun to play but equally as effective at making people think twice before getting too close.
Gibbs smiled; he was glad that Tony understood and hoped that it might make things easier. "Part of it was protection and part of it was pride; I can only ask for your forgiveness in that." He watched his Senior Field Agent with a faint glimmer of hope in his eyes.
He hadn't talked about Mexico and its consequences with anyone, even Ducky. If opening up and talking about it with Tony created the possibility of him staying then he had to do it.
"Like I said, I can't and won't apologise for going to Mexico but I am sorry that I wasn't there to protect you from Jen. She knew I would never have let her do it and when I left I gave her the perfect opportunity to do whatever she wanted. She should never have got you involved in her personal vendetta in the first place and she sure as hell should have pulled you out once she suspected you were getting too emotionally invested."
"That was my fault," admitted Tony. "She asked me if I was getting too involved and I lied and told her only in the case."
"Tony, you're an excellent undercover agent, but everyone knew that whoever the woman was that you were spending all your time with, she meant a lot to you. Jen knew that you were getting emotionally involved and she chose to ignore it because she was so desperate to get her hands on La Grenouille.
"The blame for that doesn't lie with you or me; it rests solely on Jen's shoulders. The fact that you let yourself fall in love with Jeanne caused problems, of course it did. It's easy to say that it could have been avoided or that it was a stupid mistake, but Jeanne is not her father; you spent a lot of time in the company of a beautiful, intelligent woman and you fell in love. It is not an uncommon tale in undercover operations of that nature."
"I still feel guilty," Tony confessed quietly. He could see that Gibbs was being honest and not just spouting meaningless platitudes, and he respected him for it. He knew that he would be spending a lot of time with Jeanne and he knew why he was with her in the first place, but despite all of that he still fell in love with her; he's not sure how he could ever have avoided it.
If he had turned down the operation then he would never have met her and he could have spared her all that pain, but the very thought of never having known her made his chest ache the same way it did when she left him with nothing but a hateful, accusing glare.
"That's only natural Tony. I feel guilty that I was away on tour when Shannon and Kelly were killed. I'm not the one that killed them and I know that if I had been there I would have done everything in my power to protect them, but I still feel guilty."
"Guilt's stupid," Tony surmised unhappily.
Gibbs let out a small chuckle, he whole-heartedly agreed with DiNozzo's sentiments. "Yes it is, and it will always leave some vestige in your heart, but you learn to live with it. Do you still feel guilty about Jen's death?" he already knew that the younger man did, but he wanted to get him to talk about it.
Ducky had once told him that the key to dealing with DiNozzo in situations like this was to be patient, wait for him to open up and talk and to give the man enough time and silence to digest everything. He had all too often ignored the M.E.'s advice in regards to Tony, but this time he knew that his own gruff manner would not work. Tony needed the truth and he needed to realise his own worth, through his own eyes and through those of his team-mates.
"I…yeah, I do," Tony admitted, not quite able to look into his mentor's eyes.
"Why?"
"Because I was on the protection detail when she died. Because I didn't listen to Ziva's worries. Because I ignored my own gut-feeling that something bad was going to happen. Because I let my own emotions get the better of me. Because I should have been there!"
"Why didn't you go?" Gibbs asked, careful to keep his tone neutral to make sure Tony knew he wasn't accusing him.
"I didn't want to go find her because I didn't want to get involved in another one of her personal issues. I let her get me involved in one of her personal vendettas last time and it nearly destroyed me; I lost the girl of my dreams and got a broken heart, I lost a lot of trust in myself and in the Agency and I nearly got a murder charge to boot. I wasn't in any hurry to get dragged back down by her."
"I don't blame you," Gibbs stated firmly, meeting the surprised eyes of his agent. "I don't blame you for your hesitance and I don't blame you for her death. In fact, I'm glad you weren't there. Jen was my old partner, but she had changed and not for the better. You're my current partner and I hate to think what it would have done to me if I'd had to go to your funeral too."
Tony was shocked at these words. He knew Gibbs valued him as an agent; the man wouldn't put up with all his crap if he didn't, but he would never have suspected that Gibbs felt this strongly. Although he was normally partnered up with Ziva, the beginning of his NCIS career saw him working solo with Gibbs and because of that he still thought of the man as both his boss and his partner. He never thought Gibbs might see him as his partner!
"You do know that when Vance sent you away as Agent Afloat he wasn't doing it to punish you, don't you?" Gibbs spoke it more as a statement rather than a question, wanting Tony to understand it as the truth and not a platitude to appease him.
"I didn't and I'm not entirely sure that that is the case…"
"It is," Gibbs interrupted. "I asked and he answered; I believe him." He hoped that was enough to convince Tony; there was a stage when his word working alongside his gut-feelings would have been enough for the younger man, but Gibbs wasn't so sure now.
"I can't deny that I was pissed off, and I thought you didn't fight it because you blamed me for Jen's death…"
"I did fight it Tony!" the older man insisted, desperate for Tony to realise just how hard he had fought to get his team reunited, to get Tony back on dry land and in DC. "I might have done it behind closed doors but I did fight it. Vance was a relatively unknown variable and I wasn't sure how to play it but I did know that he would not have accepted such blatant disregard for his position by making demands in front of the team."
"'Demands' huh?" Tony asked with a mischievous grin on his face.
Gibbs returned the grin with a wicked glint in his eye. "Enjoy it while you can, DiNozzo; I won't always be this nice and cuddly."
"Cuddly!" Tony snorted, all sorts of bizarre mental images flashing through his mind.
Gibbs let the comment hang in the air for a while, happy to see a smile on his agent's face but all too aware that the conversation needed to be concluded.
"I fought like hell to get you back, DiNozzo; please believe that," Gibbs asked earnestly.
"I do," Tony agreed quickly. Despite his hasty answer he realised it was the truth; Gibbs might be the expert but he too, knew when he was being lied to. There were no obvious signs of deception, no eyes looking down and to the left, no nervous fidgeting or unusual behaviour. There was only absolute sincerity in the older man's eyes.
"I do," Tony said again with less speed and more conviction.
Gibbs let out a relieved breath.
"Good. Now as I said, I fought like hell to get you back and I wasn't going to risk your life with the whole DOMINO fiasco. I didn't know who else might have been involved, if anyone was listening to our conversations with bugs planted in the office or at home, if anyone was tracing our phone-calls. All that was unlikely, but we didn't know.
"I was worried that if I didn't make the right play Lee would kill again and I couldn't risk losing you and Ziva and McGee again, especially not when this time it could have been permanent. It was never about trust Tony; it was about me trying to protect the team, my people, the only way I knew how.
"If I have lost your trust for that then I am sorry, but the consequences of you knowing could have been severe. I had to choose between potentially losing your trust or you potentially losing your life; they both might have only been potential outcomes but not ones I wanted to risk. I might not like the fact that you no longer feel like you can trust me but I couldn't handle being responsible for your death; I'd rather you were alive and hating me than dead."
"I don't hate you," Tony confessed quietly. "I wanted to hate you; it would have made everything much easier…but I don't."
"Do you trust me?" Gibbs was glad that Tony didn't hate him, but he knew that if Tony were to stay he would need to trust him.
"I…I don't know," the Senior Field Agent shrugged his shoulders sadly. "I think I do…mostly. Like I know you'll always be there to watch my six, but…"
"But you don't know whether you can trust me with the rest of it?" Gibbs asked sadly. He was aware that he had dropped the ball, that like Jen, he too had chosen to ignore what the undercover operation had done to the younger agent. He had chosen to remain quiet at the diner rather than assure his insecure agent that he didn't blame him for Jen's death.
Tony looked up with Gibbs, sadness in his eyes, and nodded. Gibbs had always been his mentor; the two of them may not have hit it off straight away in Baltimore but once they decided to work side by side…
"I know I messed up Tony, and I don't know what I can do about it; I've never been very good at this sort of thing, but I want to be…if you'll let me. Please stay Tony," Gibbs ended quietly, all too aware that he could demand nothing of the younger man but at the same time he wanted to let Tony know that everyone wanted him to stay.
"You're a damn good agent Tony, and a natural-born investigator, but that's not why everyone wants you to stay. When Ziva and McGee were back, but you were still Agent Afloat, you've no idea how odd the bull-pen felt…how wrong it felt. We may need you as a highly capable agent, but we want you because of who you are to us.
"You're a big brother to Abby and to Jimmy too from what I've heard. You're a teacher and a friend to both Ziva and McGee. Ducky…he carves a very grandfatherly image for most people, but you hold a special place in his heart. As for me…well I don't really know what you mean to me. Putting my own emotions into words is a little harder than doing it for everyone else. What I do know is that you mean a whole hell of a lot.
"When I found out that everyone was trying to pilfer you for their own teams…well, let's just say that there are certain team-leads back at NCIS who are going to have an interesting time of things when I get out of here. You belong on this team Tony; you're family."
Tony didn't know what to say. Gibbs had called him 'family.' Stern, 'second B for bastard' Gibbs had called him 'family!'
Gibbs looked at his Senior Field Agent and knew that the younger man would need time to digest all of this information and the deal with the emotions that came with it. Gibbs had said all he could say and promised to do whatever necessary to try and keep DiNozzo in DC and on his team.
Now he had to wait for Tony to make his final decision.
"Go home and think things over Tony, please. That was an intense conversation and between that and the physio I'm almost wiped out, but I meant every word."
"You do know that it's not just to do with you and the team, right? I mean, I've messed up too and they were some pretty big mistakes."
"Every one of us has made mistakes. Unfortunately in our line of work the consequences tend to be a little bit more dramatic than most. The mistakes are something that you need to come to terms with in your own time in your own way, whether you stay here at NCIS, move onto some other agency, or something entirely different."
Tony nodded; he had a lot to think about. "You know if you actually opened your mouth and talked more often, you'd make a pretty good shrink."
Gibbs tried to smoother a laugh, leaned over and swiped at his Senior Field Agent's head. "You talk plenty for us both, DiNozzo."
Tony caught the mischievous glint in his Boss' eyes and returned the look; "Well I had to pick up the slack…and there was a lot of it in the conversational department." He stood up slowly, careful of his own recent injuries. "I'll be back tomorrow, bring you some more coffee," Tony promised.
Gibbs nodded and smiled his approval. "If you need anymore time, let me know; I'll understand."
"I know you will," Tony nodded. With what he hoped was a reassuring smile, he left the hospital to return home; he had a lot of thinking to do.
There, you go, finally this chapter is done. Please let me know what you think and thank you all for being so patient with me in getting this one out.
I know Gibbs is a little OOC in this chapter, but he was supposed to be. He had to let go of his pride and his no-nonsense demeanour in order to get through to Tony. Hope I haven't taken it too far out of context.
Next up - Tony needs to think things over, Gibbs tries to get himself out of hospital and we find out why Jimmy has been trying to avoid Tony.