21

"That is why we need your help, my Queen."

I start and stare at the middle-age Hylian man that is pleading his case to the court. I glance at the members of my council – they are patiently awaiting my input. The few other townsfolk who have come for their own demands are also staring at me. I search my mind for any subconscious registration of what the man in front of me just explained. Panic starts to rise within me as I realize I have been so absorbed by my own tormenting thoughts that I have no idea what just happened in my own court. I can't continue like this.

"Would you be so kind as to excuse me?" I ask the man. "I'm afraid I am feeling unwell."

He looks at me in polite surprise but bows respectfully. Members of my council shoot me reproachful looks, but I swiftly exit the court room, leaving them to adjourn the public hearings. As I rapidly stride along the great halls of the castle, I shake my head, trying to chase away the enslaving notions that toy with my mind. The judgmental gazes of some of my councilmen haunt my vision. I know of the words passing along behind my back in my own court. I know that, in the face of my continuous failure, people are anxious for me to explore… alternatives. I remember the great dislike a few of them openly showed towards Sidon during our first years of ruling. As much as some Hylian men had considered their stolen chance at the throne as an affront to the worth of their own race, the feathers of many a Rito men were likewise ruffled by the apparent partiality of the throne to the Zora race. I like to think that the members of my court now recognize Sidon's true worth, regardless of his race. He has even become a dear friend to most of them, a bound forged through endless teamwork, pleasant evenings, hunting trips, lengthy travelling. How dare they even utter so demeaning a word as "annulment"? How can they even think that I would ever consider casting him away, after all he has done for them? Oh, I have heard those poisonous whispers. But I dare not censure such talk, for fear of bringing more attention to the problem, and winding up with an open opposition. I fear time is running out.

I must find a way to unlock the power within me, as soon as possible. It is besieging my thoughts at day, haunting my sleep at night. I can barely work, my voice is harsh for lack of use, I don't remember the last time I felt hungry. Did I eat something today? An uncontrollable shiver rattles my body, but the corridors are basking in sunlight and free from drafts.

I have returned many times to the undergrounds of the castle, to no avail. The place refuses to call for me again. But I can't stop reliving the feeling of being so close to unravelling unlimited power, again and again in my head, as if hoping for a different denouement.

I realize that my feet are leading me to the library – where the secret passage towards the undergrounds is. I slow down, hesitant. Should I try again? Or I could comb through the ancient book collection for the hundredth time, looking for any clue. I have searched so many times for anything approaching the subject of Zoras, or fertility; but I have never searched for the trinity symbol. Suddenly, I allow myself some hope, and I push the door to the library.

There is a figure seated against the light at one of the large tables. I flinch before I recognize her.

"Oh, Paya." I smile in relief. "I didn't realize you –"

"Shouldn't you be at court, Zelda?" She interrupts me, standing from her seat.

Paya has always been a most respectful and thrusting person – she has never manifested the slightest defiance. Yet I have a strange feeling that I might be about to witness a change in character. Her black robes make her the perfect embodiment of the Shadow Folk of which she is a descendant.

"I wasn't feeling well." I answer dryly.

"Then perhaps you should get some rest." She answers, her face unfathomable.

I stare at her in silence. Why is she here? Where is the child that is always clinging at her, to my greatest dismay?

"I thought I should read, get my mind off things." I lie to the both of us.

"You have already read everything there is to read in here." She replies. "You will not find what you need here."

Another shiver rattles my body.

"How do you know that?" My question is meant to sound defensive, but I hear a tinkle of pain in it.

Paya's brows furrow in a pitiful frown, reflecting my own agony.

"Zelda." Her voice is pleading. "You have to stop. What you're doing, it's not… sane."

"What I'm doing?" I repeat in a falsely confused tone.

She simply stares at me with those somber hazel eyes, taking a step towards me.

"You know what I mean." She finally replies, softly yet resolutely.

"I'm afraid I don't." I persist, determined not to confirm whatever she might suspect.

"Fine." She sighs. "The frantic ransacking of this library, the roaming through the castle's ground searching for Goddess knows what, the missing out on court duty, the shutting out of everyone around you. Must I go on?"

I strain to keep my expression impassive as I uphold her gaze. There it is, from the only friend I thought I had left in this unfeeling place. Judgment, again. My stomach twists from the shame her words bring me. And she feels shut out? The thought pains me, yet the need to defend myself casts a shadow over this concern.

"No, I think you've depicted my many faults thoroughly enough." I dryly retort, hoping to guilt her into dropping the matter.

"F-Faults?" She stammers, her knitted brows rising slightly. "Zelda, no one is at fault here. All this-this toxic affair, this is not your own doing. But you have to gain control over it!"

How can she know so much? Has she been following me? How much does she know of what goes on in the stronghold that is my head? I mistrustfully glare at the third eye adorning her lovely face.

"I'm worried about you." She asserts, her tone softer.

"You needn't be." I assure her, at that very moment even fooling myself. "There is no 'toxic affair', I can assure you. I have been feeling unwell lately and have been allowing myself some time to take walks or read, for my health. I'm certain I'll recover soon enough."

She shakes her head as I speak.

"You are in denial, and I understand how difficult that must be to hear," her tone has hardened again, "but you must let it go, for your own sake."

Her eyes are fixed on mine, unwavering. I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a precipice, and Paya is asking me to drop down, eyes closed. I simply cannot do it. And if I can't muster the strength to do it myself, she may push me. To what extent can one trust anyone, really, when one is terrified?

"What in Hyrule are you talking about?" I inquire in the more indignant, regal voice I can muster, despite my shakiness.

"Are you going to make me say that too?" Her hand grips the robes over her heart, as if it was suddenly aching. "I can't even begin to imagine how excruciating it must be, not being able to bear children with the person you love, but–"

She trails off, her determination flinching as she takes in my outraged expression.

"How dare you?" I let out in a deadly whisper, utterly shocked that she would force my deepest, most private wound out in the open.

She looks hesitant for a moment, but quickly regains her composure.

"Nothing good is going to come out of this pursuit of yours." She persists. "I fear you will only hurt yourself, if not the kingdom."

I feel the sting of her words. This kingdom has always been my greatest concern.

"I am doing this for my kingdom." I reply menacingly.

"If you will not hear reason, then I will have no choice, out of duty to you, to forbid you from pursuing your schemes and ensure that you fulfil your obligations instead." She declares, the words seeming to bring her as much pain as they bring me.

I feel like my seventeen-year-old self again, put to shame by the authoritative figure of my father. Am I always to be supervised like a child? Paya's stature is not threatening, but it is unyielding. I stand in front of her, hesitating. I do not wish to confront her any further, yet the need to join the passage behind her is insuppressible. I finally cock my head slightly as a leave-taking and make for the only place left for me to go to – my room.

Author's notes: A big thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my question from last chapter, in PM or through the reviews (and anyone who'd still like to do it, it's never too late!). As one of my readers said, this makes this story a sort of collaborative experience ;) Following a comment on the changes in POVs, I have questioned a few of my readers, and the lack of POV specification at the beginning doesn't seem too problematic. It is something that I like about this story, the slight mystery at the beginning of every chapter - where and when will we be, with whom? So I have decided to keep it that way, but, should any of you find it confusing, please mention it in the reviews, and I'll correct it if it's a general concern. Thanks a lot to OnePunchFan8, mrobbins3 and caffala for taking the time to review this fic, your support means the world to me!

OnePunchFan8: I like your thoughts about the Hero of Time teaching at least some swordsmanship to his son! However, in this story I picture him as so badly damaged that over time he stopped interacting with any of the world surrounding him, as if trapped in his own mind. Simply surviving on auto-pilot. So I doubt he would teach anything to his child, sadly :'(