It Doesn't Have To Be That Way - Chapter 21

Donna sat alone in the train car as it moved from Manhattan to Connecticut. She left without a word once she was told the DNA results. She was horrified. All the hope that she had for her and Harvey dashed in one fell swoop. Even the gorgeous engagement ring and joyous marriage proposal she said yes to forgotten after one detail left from the results. This baby was not Harvey's but a result of one horrific night.

She had promised Harvey that she would not receive the answer until he could be with her. Unfortunately, the day the appointment was confirmed was the day that Harvey had to be in court for the hearing of the civil suit between Mitchell's firm and Meredith. Not wanting to delay the answer any longer, Donna promised she would let Harvey know the results that day no matter what, but when Donna was told all she could do was write Harvey a quick note absolving Harvey of any responsibilty for her or the baby and telling Rachel to look after Harvey because she was not going to be there. She had not told Rachel what the results were because she would not be able to conceal them from her face as she took care of Harvey for her. Rachel was sworn to secrecy but somehow Donna knew that Rachel would tell Mike and Mike would let it slip to Harvey.

That night a month ago when she and Harvey promised that they would follow their hearts once the test results were in was cemented in Donna's heart but the shock of the actual knowledge that this baby was Mitchell's and not Harvey's drove an immediate wedge between them without Harvey's knowledge of anything. She knew it was ended after that. Not only would Harvey never forgive her for not being honest with him and letting him know the results but also leaving him high and dry was even worse than just leaving him to work for Louis.

Donna was almost certain that the baby would be Harvey's. How could such a wonderful momentous night of lovemaking not result in a baby? Donna knew that was the romantic side of her saying that but the more pragmatic side knew that great sex and a tremendous orgasm did not equal baby made whether wanted or not.

Now Donna had a real decision. She was just about twelve weeks along now and too late for an abortion for a first trimester abortion. She felt that was her doctor's mechanics at works. He knew she was thinking of an abortion if the child she carried was not Harvey's, so he delayed the test results until he knew it would be too late for a therapeutic abortion and not killing a baby. Donna, alone now, ( or maybe she was alway alone in this) had to decide to keep her baby and raise it herself or to give it up for adoption to some couple who longed for a baby and was unable to have one.

If Donna had been younger when this had happened, she thought perhaps her decision would have been easier because she would have had more time to have another child. Here, though, she was now in her early forties and did want to have at least one child, hopefully, with the man she loved. However, that was loathe to happen now. Harvey would cut her off forever and not come after her no matter what he felt. No matter how much Harvey had grown and was loving and wonderful, betrayal (as he would feel her departure) was his ultimate Achilles' heel. The last thing Donna ever wanted to do was break his heart although hers had been broken by him more times than she could count.

Donna waited sitting on a bench outside of the train station waiting for her mother to pick her up. She had not told her mother anything about anything. The only thing that Donna had let slip was that she needed to speak with her mother about Harvey.

Donna rose from sitting on the bench as she saw her mother's 2011 Hyundai Sonata pull up along the curb.

Donna swiftly got into the car throwing her backpack in the backseat of the car.

"Donna, honey, it's good to see you," Roberta Paulsen said as she hugged her daughter from the driver's seat.

"It's good to see you, too, mom. Hey do you think we could stop and have a little something. I'm starving and I haven't eaten for a while," Donna said because she really was hungry. Her morning sickness had just started to dissipate and her stomach was growling. Besides, she really was not ready to talk to her mother about Harvey, being raped, and the baby decision just yet.

Harvey returned from court with his head held high and that "I'm the best" smug look plastered on his face as he anxiously wanted to see Donna and share the news that the judge ruled in Meredith's favor and recieve the news from Donna that they had conceived a baby that night in the Lexus.

However, Rachel met him at the elevators so he knew something was definitely wrong.

"Rachel, I didn't expect to see you here," Harvey said frowning.

"Well, I skipped my last class because I did not want you to be surprised when you went back to your office," Rachel said trying to placate him. One of the worst tasks that Donna had ever asked her to do.

"Not surprised from what? Where's Donna, Rachel?"

Harvey stomped off silently making it difficult for Rachel to keep up in her stilettos. Once he arrived and saw her empty cubicle and he threw open the door to his office almost hitting Rachel with it. She luckily grabbed it and entered behind him.

"What is this?" Harvey demanded as he held the envelope Donna had apparently left for him front and center on his desk.

"It's a quick note, Donna left for you. She did not tell me why she left only that she wanted me to let you know."

"Did you know she was going for the results of the DNA tests today?" Harvey asked looking at Rachel like he was cross examining a perp.

"Yes, I knew. She did not tell me what they told her. I am sure that is what she left in the letter for you."

Harvey shook his head and delayed opening it until Rachel realized she should leave. She courteously asked if he needed anything and the only word that Harvey uttered was "Donna".

Donna laughed at what her mother had told her about her latest "man". Roberta Paulsen looked like an older version of Donna with beautiful red tresses and a figure which would stop a clock, but just a little more solid in all the right places which may have been expected after birthing three daughters.

"Ok, tell me about Harvey and what he has done now," Roberta said.

"It's not his fault, mom. It's mine now. I wouldn't be surprised if I never hear from him again professionally or personally," Donna said sorrowfully. "Can we go home now? I think I can tell you everything now."

Roberta drove back to the small brick house where Donna and her two sisters had been raised. It still looked the same with the same cement stoop and brickfront with the same screen door which would hit you in the behind if you were not fast enough getting through the door. That same door would be hard to leave having a latch that was not quite fitted correctly. Uncle Jake tried to fix it many a time, but unfortunately it always reverted back.

This time the screen door snapped shut and Roberta closed the inner door. It was April now but it was still cool in the evenings especially after the sun set in the sky. Donna took off her coat and hung it over the coat rack behind the door and placed her backpack at the foot of the stairs. She then sat in the overstuffed couch across from the front door. Donna loved coming home. It was something about the smell and the familiarity which helped her find the courage to finally relay to her mother everything that had happened since Christmas Eve.

"Well, Donna, I don't know why you didn't do as you promised with Harvey. I know he loves you so much. He never wanted to say out loud but the few times you were here with him he would never take his eyes off you. Many a time I think he wanted to say something to you, but as you know he was scared. Now all you've done is really piss him off," Roberta explained to Donna as her eyes filled with tears.

"Mom, I can't let him be a part of this. This isn't his fault. Even if he still wanted to marry me, how can I bring a child into the world where we would both remember how he came to be every time we looked at him. What if we were blessed with our own children? How would we not play favorites? After all the hell his mother put him through, I couldn't do this to him."

"Don't you think you should have left that up to Harvey? He's a grown man and he knows how the world works. Plus you promised each other you would make the decision together. You've broken your promise to Harvey. That more than anything is going to make him mad at you," Roberta said wisely.

"I know."

"Then why did you come home, Donna? I can't make this decision for you. In some states you can get rid of a baby after the first trimester, but it is horrible. Your sister, Carol, being a Obgyn nurse has seen many a horrible abortion. Have you seen the baby on an ultrasound yet?"

"No," Donna sobbed. She gulped and cleared her throat. "No, I put it off because I was praying that the baby would be Harvey's and it would something we could share together."

Roberta dried her daughter's tears with a handkerchief and told her. "Get some rest, Donna. Your bed is all ready. Does Harvey know you've come here?" Roberta wanted to be ready because she was almost one hundred percent certain that Harvey would either try to call Donna or come here to see her, so she wanted to be prepared.

"No, I didn't tell him, but he will probably surmise it."

"Regardless, go up to bed. I was glad to see you ate. Did you have rough morning sickness?"

"No, only a few mornings where I couldn't get my head out of the toilet. I had to replace my trash bin at work four times when I couldn't make it to the bathroom. Gretchen was very helpful with what to eat and when to eat to combat it."

"Who's Gretchen? She's new," Roberta asked.

"She was my replacement when I went to work for Louis," Donna said knowing now there would be a whole list of other questions about that since Donna had never told her mother about her short tenure as Louis' secretary after Norma's death.

"You left out that you worked for Louis Litt for a while. Is that part of the reason why Harvey was so attentive to you on Christmas Eve?"

Donna came up to where her mother stood next to the kitchen table.

She pursed her lips and said, "Look, mom, I promise I will fill you in about that later. If Harvey calls or should come, I will talk to him. I do, at least, owe him that I guess."

Roberta kissed her daughter on the forehead.

"Remember, God gives you babies. That child was given to your womb for a reason. Don't blame the child for how it was put there."

Donna nodded then mounted the stairs with her backpack to get some rest and forget about her predicament for a little while. She looked forward to being back home surrounded by her childhood memories.

It was six in the evening before Harvey found the nerve to open Donna's letter.

Dear Harvey:

I am sorry that I have not kept my promsie to you about deciding together what to do depending upon the results of the DNA test. Let me just say that I love you and I wanted to spare you any additional heartache in light of the situation. I also apologize for not having the guts to tell you the results in person.

The DNA tests conclusively suggest that the baby boy I carry is Mitchell's not yours. I wish it could have been different, but God did not happen to answer this prayer the way we wanted. So, saying that, I absolve you from any responsiblity for me or the baby. As you know the beautiful engagement ring I forebore to wear is still sitting in yoru safe in your condo. Now, it will be available for another woman to wear.

As for my professional capacity, I still have a list of those other candidates that you never finished interviewing upon hiring Gretchen.

You have been a wonderful lover and fiancee. I would never have fought the demons left from the experience of the rape if it weren't for your timely strength and love. I have loved you for 13 years and only once have I regretted it. That's now because I know now how you love me and how much you love me and I feel unworthy to love you in return. So I now leave you to find another. I still love you with all my heart. You deserve to be happy. You are a good, good man. Please find someone to share your life. My only regret is that it cannot be me.

Love

Donna

Harvey was in tears as he read Donna's words. He crumpled the paper. Did she not realize he really wanted her to be with him? That they would make a decision whether to keep the baby or give him up. Harvey was almost certain that the child had been his, but now he knew that was but a dream. That damn son of a bitch Mitchell had hurt her and then left his seed within her to complicate things. Why did this have to happen? He was looking so forward to being with Donna finally.

He uncrumpled the letter. She did not indicate where she had gone and she did not tell Rachel on purpose because Donna knew that Rachel would capitulate to Harvey's probing questions. Rachel was not a good witness when it came to standing strong.

Well, Harvey was glad that Meredith's life would be a little easier. She was able to lift her hand up enough to shake his in gratitude for what he had done. He smiled and said that the only thing left was the paperwork to be signed and that soon the quarterly payments would be coming soon. He said that the office would call Meredith and her mother when the paperwork was finalized. He then had left the courthouse practically jumping for joy physically at how wonderfully that had turned in his favor.

Of course, that was work. Not necessarily his personal hopes except for the unfortunate being Mitchell O'Brien who would now be broke and penniless when he finished his ten year sentence for raping Donna. Only now, there was a little person who in Harvey and Donna's eyes would never understand why he would not be loved by parents albeit one biological. Harvey was sure that he could find no way to love a child that was not his and who had been born simply because of a horrible incident which was perpetrated by the boy's father. Harvey was fair, though, as he analyzed the situation that it was not fair at all to the child. He deserved love no matter what the circumstances. He did not ask to be conceived.

If Donna had kept her promise to him and asked him what he wanted to do, he would have said to put the baby up for adoption. Mitchell need never know that his heinous act produced a child. The baby would be loved by parents who when they looked at him would not see a black eye, cracked ribs, and bruises all over the body of his mother. Perhaps, then, Donna and he could be married and quickly conceive one of their own.

One person that would never know about the child would be his biological father who insisted upon threatening Harvey. Harvey had not told Donna of these empty threats fron prison, but Harvey did have an interview with the judge who could commute his sentence to another facility. The farther and more bound the better. It was not that Harvey was scared for himself, but Donna would live in fear that he could find a way to escape behind bars and now that she was carrying Mitchell's baby she would have been twice as scared. Harvey felt lost to her, but he still meant to keep his promise to her that he would never let anything happen to her while on his watch. No matter the distance between he and Donna.

Harvey smoothed Donna's letter out on his desk with his hand. Behind him the April sun was setting. He shivered and decided to pour himself a Scotch. He then decided to sit on his couch and think of where Donna might be. She may not want him to, but he was going to do the one thing that she was not expecting. He was fighting for her.

Damn it, Donna! You've done it again and ripped my heart out. Only this time I know what to do. I fought once and I will fight again. I have waited for you for this long and I'll be damned if I would be happy with anyone else. I'll be coming for you whether you like it or not. Whether you still love me or want me or not!

Harvey put the cool glass to his forehead and felt a hand on his shoulder rub it in comfort. It was Rachel who had understood little but wanted to show she supported him. Then Mike walked in and he patted his other shoulder in support. Harvey's blanched face with tearstains looked up into both of theirs and smiled a little smile. Here were their two best friends and they would help him find her. He just knew it.