Evaporated.
The second time he actually had Yi to leave except this time it was more brutal than ever. But Yasuo was hurt, didn't think much of it on the instant. A few seconds before, he swore, spilling some harsh words but it conveyed exactly how he felt.
Never wanted to talk about his feelings again. Yasuo couldn't see why it was brought up again, even less after he asked not to mention it.
Vain hope to put these feelings aside and wait for it to fade away. Maybe with time this would work. But it meant not thinking nor talking about it. Couldn't bear that. At all.
Why did he ask about it ?
Burning thought at the back of his mind. Yi wouldn't have asked without reasons. A lot of chances he mentioned it after what Yasuo did despite himself.
A bit unfair, to be honest but the fault was his. For a blessed time, still waking up, he thought he was safe and comfortable. Found out why the second he realized the contact with Yi.
Shame was fast to slap him. It was a clear case of overstepping boundaries. In his sleep there was little control he had over his yearning. Unlucky event following, he woke up having hugged Yi in his rest.
The worst was to remember how fine it felt till reality came back to make him realize his situation. I fucked up.
All this was complex but he sure knew that the limit was never to be crossed. Got a good enough warning some time ago. But it would be alright since these feelings were just a crush. Nothing more. So he had to wait, keep his hands for himself and it would go away. Just hold a little longer. Then maybe he would stop feeling like a teenager in Yi's presence.
No doubt now, Yi wanted to talk to him about it. Surely he noticed how he was acting around. That last misstep was too much. What would he say ? That Yasuo was staying too close, that it wasn't correct to actually snuggle up against someone that asked nothing.
So this explained how bad he snapped at Yi. Never really meant to but the topic got him innerly tired from the start. Never talk about it again. He didn't want to hear what Yi had to say. Never. It would hurt to much, another warning to keep himself in check. Or maybe all would be lost. That link, friendship or whatever could be used to describe it.
On the instant, all that mattered was to shut the topic down. Impossible to stay calm about it. wouldn't be ready to discuss something as personal.
Minutes went by. Frozen on his spot, standing in the middle of the room. Thoughts busy but gaze stuck on that same place Yi disappeared.
Too much. He didn't expect to have such sudden question about his feelings. It was too important topic. Too soon. Not like there was a moment he would want to talk about it ever. He barely woke up, after some fake heart attack and blushing embarassment.
In the same day than an attack against his crew. It wasn't nothing. Some got hurt. Malphite did, him too. There was nothing pleasant in the way that scythe managed to cut through armor, a real question since it was supposed to resist anything.
Too many things at once and now Yi was gone. Without a word.
So the day was fucked, basically.
Yasuo fell in bed, no more energy despite being awake for such a ridiculous amount of time. Serious topics always got him to his nonexistent patience. Rolled in the blanket, found the lingering warmth of people having slept there. All came back to the latest instant.
Lot of emotions bubbled up. Pain, that was obvious. Some of that old sadness following unrequited feelings. Today was a reminder of what he couldn't reach. Then there was a bit of anger, against Yi. For bringing this up though there was no need.
It was childish, even him realized it. Not really Yi's fault here, he probably just wanted to warn him a little. But Yasuo's instinct was to be angry at him, for the unwanted pain.
No use to feel like this. But it stayed with that heavy mood till he couldn't bear it. Sleep was no longer an option, he got his amount already. By the way, since when had he been sleeping ? Time seemed to have fled without a word.
Hunger came by too, it must have been a really long sleep then. Yasuo hesitated. Had to get out and eat but still not over that damned mood. Almost painful, heavy over his heart. Silence hurt too, suffocating. Then it reminded him that Yi left after he shouted at him.
Long sigh. I have to get up and eat something. Or he would pass out, for sure.
So he stepped outside, like a zombie in the ship. Strangely silent, for once. That explained why he got the second heart attack of the day, after turning at a corridor and running into Sona. She was always so quiet, everything about her was. Her steps too. Again, she dissolved into apologies, worried look on her face as he recovered from the scare leaning to the cold wall. That day was really long.
Aftar that accident, Sona joined him in his trip to the kitchen, saying there was some leftovers from lunch. Company wasn't what he was eager to find but it was just her. Nothing bad could come from it. Some chatting.
When she was asking how he was doing, quick steps announced Jinx in the area. Then she appeared at the door.
« Holy fuck, he's alive ! I was thinking the ship was completely mine now. Don't give me hopes like that. »
No, not her… She was the guaranty for a headache, most of days. And right now he didn't want to actually talk with people. Not after what happened with Yi.
« Fuck off. » Along a middle finger adressed to Jinx. Hoping the message would be clear enough. No mood for playing.
« Okayyyyy, I see someone is on a killing mood today ! Can't believe you slept that much, just to be angry after. I didn't even start anything. »
« How long ? » For this he was curious. Anyway, he had food to finish, she could talk all she wanted, he couldn't care less.
« Almost a whole day. »
« What ? » Nearly choked on what he was eating, not ready for that information.
« Yeah. Yi told it would take long after healing so fast. By the way, where is he ? »
For that one, Yasuo grew dead silent, before resuming what he came here for.
« Well ? It's been a while we didn't see him. Last time he said he was going back to your bedroom. Mmmh a hell time ago. »
Both her and Sona were waiting for his answer, silence took place in the kitchen. Yasuo sighed innerly, not ready to mention the latter so soon. Not that he tried to forget but it was painful to think about.
« He left. » Tried not to linger too long on these recent memories.
« [Before you woke up ? After ?] »
It wasn't too tiring talking to Sona instead, maybe that soothing aura around her. Something neutral, almost worried crossed her features.
« After. So it was like errr I don't know, maybe an hour ago. Stayed in bed a little before going at. »
Sting, sting. Thinking about him, about his own outburst, about the pain. It wasn't happy at all, curious kind of bitterness for his own behavior but also what torturous topic was brought up.
Anyway, he shouldn't have talked like that to Yi but the topic was more than unpleasant.
« Alright. » This didn't seem to convince Jinx.
Yasuo saw her stepping into the kitchen, taking a sit a the table. This gave him a bad feeling, she wouldn't go away for a reason.
« So, have you two talked yet ? » Almost casual, legs crossed under the table and slumped to the chair. The tone was light too.
« The fuck you're talking about ? »
She couldn't possibly be more annoying. How would she know anyway ? This didn't make sense.
« You and Yi. Talking. Like adults do. » No laugh nor smile, she looked serious and that scared him a little.
Why was everything going bad ?
« [Jinx. I don't think they talked yet. Maybe Yi thought it was too soon. After all, Yasuo just woke up.] »
What ?
« You too ? What is going on ? What are you talking about ? » This was bordering madness. How could they take part in something between him and Yi ? If he wasn't mistaken. But they sounded already involved, maybe having discussed this before.
« Oh gods, they haven't talked. Please, I'm tired of watching this going so slow. » Jinx slumped further on the back of the chair, faked agony in her expression.
« [Calm down. Everything is alright. In fact, while you were recovering, Yi came to us with questions and we told him to discuss it with you. Nothing bad, I promise.] »
It cleared a little the ton of questions plaguing his mind for a second but Yasuo was still very confused. Yi asked them ? Maybe he was mistaken. But why would he want to talk about his feelings ? Why talk about it with Jinx and Sona ?
They told Yi to talk about it with him. Believing he hadn't yet. But Yasuo knew that he tried.
« Yi talked to me. I mean, he tried. But I didn't want to. »
Another pause, from both ladies here. Stunned.
« You refused ? » So Jinx was the first to break the ice. « Damnit, it's important. »
She seemed to lose some calm, exasperated.
« No, it's not. None of your business, none of Yi's business. Do I bother you with your personal crap ? No. »
« [But, did you even hear what he had to say ? This is about Yi too.] »
Growing defensive, not ready to have this topic again, even less with them. Why did they have to get involved in this ?
« I know, it's about my feelings. So it doesn't have anything to do with Yi. Not to be rude to you but you can't just walk into my problems like that. »
« How much of an asshole can you be ? This is about Yi's feelings too ! And you fucking refused. »
« His feelings ? But he didn't… »
That was it, he was completely lost. Stuck between rolling anger against Jinx, some pain from his memories and the typical exhaustion from a honest talk. Something he wasn't aware of washed over him, blinding. I misunderstood ?
« Urg. Sona, I give up. Take care of that idiot. »
« I don't understand. Why… ? » Losing it bit by bit. His gaze turned to Sona, seeking answers he couldn't even formulate.
« [Yi loves you. He came to us because he's unsure his own feelings but we could just see how true it was.] »
Love. Letters engraved in his mind. Yasuo couldn't believe this yet his heart cried out for it. No…Struggled to find what to say for now, words stuck in his throat. Emotion came up to make it worse. Couldn't afford to hope, it would hurt too much.
« But he said he never loved… It can't be true. »
« Maybe because you're the first one he loves ! Think, damnit ! He's in love but has no idea how it's supposed to feel. » More on Jinx's part, probably exhausted to see such stupidity in feelings.
« [Yasuo. Why are you so scared ? It's not unrequited, we both saw and heard him. Yi wants to be with you.] »
This made sense, he knew it. But that vulnerable part didn't want to be hurt. Remember, he said he never lies. Then Yi was truly in love ? Truth, without doubt.
So this meant too many things at once. Yi wanted to talk to be sure, possibly to confess. And he refused it. Yasuo's heart sank. For the pain he must have inflicted to the latter, trying to protect himself. Yi was in love too. Yet he pushed him back.
Oh no…
At the same time, there was this incredible joy. From knowing feelings were mutual. But it was greatly diminished by the fact he made it so difficult to establish. Not even meaning to. Yi was gone after that. Out of reach.
Memories of another time, when Yi didn't show up after the same kind of tension.
« I…I thought he would never be able to return it. T'was supposed to be just a crush. »
How could he say everything to them ? It never crossed his mind that he would end up talking feelings to Jinx, among everyone. Sona too but she was by essence very calming to be around, helping how she could.
« Well, I don't know who was the dumbest between you two. It's been some time I see you pinning like idiots. At least now you both know. »
« [I still have a question, if you allow me.] »
« Yup, go on. »
Still trying to grasp the extent of such revelation. He loves me. New fuzzy feelings, with piercing sadness too. He still had to find Yi afterward.
« [Yi knew about your feelings. Have you confessed some time ago already?] »
« …Yeah. But it was on accident. I didn't even know I was in deep for him. »
Burst of laugh from Jinx, after hearing this. He should have expected it.
« Of course it would take an accident to get you two together. Or you'd be turning for ages. »
« Shut up, kid. »
Tension was leaving little by little, a relief. He could relax even so slightly though his brain took some time to register the importance of the information. Soon he would feel that full blast, no distraction. Till then, he returned to bicker with Jinx.
But Sona wasn't finished : « [What did you tell him then ? Because when he came to us, he knew you wouldn't even consider him loving you back. Why?] »
Ah. Yes. This conversation. Special day it was, for both positive and negative things happening at once. Sadness seized Yasuo again, thinking about his own words to the latter. Now that he knew, it was cruel to even say that to someone, when they did return feelings.
« I said how I felt, I guess. Listen, it was harsh. Already hard to figure these feelings by accident, even more when the guy concerned knows too. I may have told the wrong thing. »
On her chair, Jinx sat back with new serious. « Okay, how much did you fuck up ? »
Not nice to hear but it was the truth, she could sense it. Smart on things beyond reason.
« You know what he is. A sort of god. Curious about love, all that stuff. He said he never loved though he wanted to see how it felt. Like, to try. »
« Uhuh ? I don't see where this is going anymore. »
« [You refused. Am I wrong?] » There was a certain edge in how clear she was. Direct.
« You're right. I don't want a pity fuck, for what it's worth. Not without feelings. So…I told him. I guess that's when I made a mistake, when I explained why. »
« [Whatever you said, Yi believed he couldn't possibly love you. That it wouldn't be enough. I hope you understand this comes without a doubt from what you told him.] »
It stung again. At the limit of bringing tears. He never meant to hurt Yi like that but from her words, he did nonetheless.
« I know. » Voice strangled with emotion. Wished so much he wasn't at the moment with them, to witness it.
Good thing, Jinx said nothing. He didn't dare looking at them but he was glad for the absence of remark. He deserved it anyway but saying it aloud would hurt even more.
To the point of standing and leaving the kitchen, quick steps to his bedroom. Before he could break and all it meant. A bit sudden but he wasn't ready to let that happen with them around. It was too personal, vulnerable.
Alone here, with his thoughts. To soothe the pain he inflicted to Yi as much as himself.
Too many things at once. Supposed to feel the luckiest man but it meant nothing knowing he hurt his love.