*** CHAPTER 21 ***
Cordelia finds Doyle alone in the front courtyard, slumped in a corner. His arms lay heavily on his knees and his eyes are focused intently on the ground below. She knows he probably senses her approach, but he makes no movement as she crosses the walkway and stands above his hunched form. "You're missing your usual cloud of smoke." She says.
At her voice, he lifts his head. His eyes are heavy with sadness, reminding her very much of the days following Harry's reintroduction in to his life. Cordelia hadn't thought it possible for him to look more depressed than that, but he is currently managing to make that look like a day at Disneyland. He sniffles a bit, his voice sounding thick and nasal, "Uh... I figured I'd give quitting a try."
"Since when?" She asks in surprise, as she perches herself on the open space next to him on the low wall.
"Right now, I guess." He responds with a weak smile, which can hardly classify as a smile.
His head drops back down. He probably expects her to lay into him. To tell him how poorly he had handled everything. To tell him he isn't the man she thought he was after all. He always did think the worst of himself, she knows. And yet, he usually showed her the best without even realizing he was doing so. This time, he'd simply showed her that he is half-human- and humans make mistakes. She slips her hand into his lap, clasping on to his right hand, which is the closest one within her reach. He raises his head once again, surprise evident on his face. She also sees the relief, as the pain drains from his body. "Does that feel better?" She asks.
"Y'know that it does." He replies.
She gives him the semblance of a smile as she meets his expectant gaze. "You should have been honest with me." She says. "I think you know that now." He nods in agreement, but doesn't interrupt her as she continues. "I don't agree with what you did... you really hurt me, Doyle. And, even worse, you could've killed some innocent person who had nothing to do with any of this." Again, he says nothing, but she can see the regret etched into every line of his face. "But... I understand that you were acting out of fear. Irrationally, impulsively, stupidly." She gives a little shrug. "And no one can punish you for that, more than you've already punished yourself."
He is searching her face, waiting to see where her train of thought will lead. Waiting to see if she will forgive him. She gives him his answer, squeezing his hand affectionately. "I hope you won't make the same mistake in the future. Because, if this relationship is going to work, we have to be honest with each other."
She watches as he digests her words and the meaning attached. "You still want that?" He asks incredulously. "With me?"
"Doyle, nothing you said in there has changed the way I feel about you." She says sincerely. "If all the stuff you did to push me away couldn't make me stop loving you, the truth certainly won't."
She registers the conflict on his face even before he puts words to it. "What if ya don't really feel that way?" He asks, the strain evident in his voice. "What if it's this thing inside me that's making you want me?" He hangs his head sadly. "I don't wanna take advantage of something that isn't real."
She smirks at that. "That's why you didn't want to tell me what was going on? You think I'm under a spell?"
"One of the reasons, yeah." He confirms. "But I'm more afraid of myself. Afraid that I won't be able to stop the thing if we get too close and the supernatural mojo kicks in again."
"You must be pretty terrified right now, then?" She says, shifting her body closer to his and enjoying his obvious discomfort.
"Well..." He replies, gesturing to the front doors of the hotel. "It helps to know there's a rather overprotective and vengeful vampire on the other side of those doors, yeah?"
"It's not a spell, Doyle." She insists, forcing him to meet her eyes. "I know it's not."
"Said just like someone under a spell." He retorts. "You can't possibly know that, darlin'."
"I do." She insists. "Because my feelings for you aren't new. I started to realize how I felt about you even before you died. And once you were gone... I knew. I knew I could've loved you. Knew that I probably already did." She watches his face as her words hit their target, but she isn't done. "Getting you back just confirmed what I'd figured out years ago." She reaches her other hand across his lap to join the hand already clutching his. "And if that isn't enough to convince you... Lorne told me there are no other spells. The one from the other night was a temporary thing. Just an aphrodisiac, like you said. It has nothing to do with our feelings for each other."
He blinks a few times at her admission, before giving her the hint of a smile. "I didn't know… I'd hoped I was winning ya over back then, but…."
"Now you know." She replies, placing her chin on his shoulder and pouting up at him. "But I still don't. You've never told me how you feel about me."
She watches as his expression starts out resembling objection, then confusion and finally fills with contrition. "I guess I never said it 'cause I thought it was obvious." He leans closer, their noses only inches apart and drops his voice. The sincerity of his next words is palpable. "I've loved you since the first moment I saw ya."
"Oh." She replies, feeling her heart propel itself upward into her throat. Even if she'd already known it deep inside, hearing him say the words so wholeheartedly is far better than she could have imagined.
"I'm in love with ya, Cordy. And I always have been." Doyle whispers, lifting his free hand to stroke her right cheek. His face is so close and yet he makes no movement to kiss her. Good thing she's never been shy. She leans in, but he surprises her by pulling back. He keeps his hand on her cheek, eyes filled with mixed emotion. "I don't think that's a good idea, love. Not that I don't want to…"
"Doyle." She says with a mildly frustrated laugh. She maintains their close proximity as she teases him mercilessly. "You just told me you love me, and I really want to kiss you. What do you think is gonna happen? We're outside in the middle of day. Overprotective vampire -with a crossbow- right inside, remember? You think you're gonna throw me down and take me right here in the middle of the courtyard and no one's gonna notice?"
"Well, I guess when you put it that way..." He replies, with a shrug.
She doesn't wait for him to finish his sentence. She leans in to complete the kiss she'd intended to start moments earlier and she feels him respond almost immediately. He keeps it slow and soft, but no less butterfly-inducing than their previous kisses. His thumb strokes her cheek unconsciously, and she allows herself to get lost in the moment.
A small squeal pulls her out of the clouds. She and Doyle break apart to find a boisterous Fred grinning ear-to-ear and a more subdued, but still visibly pleased, Gunn smirking at them in approval. "Oh, don't mind us. We didn't mean to interrupt." Fred says happily. "Go back to... you know."
Cordelia smiles up at her friends, taking special note of Gunn's expression. "No, it's fine, Fred." Cordelia reassures her. "Doyle prefers having a chaperone, anyway."
Fred's smile stays plastered to her face, even as confusion mixes in. Gunn steps forward to give Doyle an approving nod. "I'm just relieved I won't have to kick your ass anytime soon, man. It was looking kinda dicey for a little while there."
Doyle sits up a little straighter, and lifts his brow in agreement. "That makes two of us, man."
Fred hops up and down a bit in excitement. "Maybe we can double-date sometime? Wouldn't that be fun? Do y'all like mini-golf?"
"Well… there are worse things than mini-golf." Cordelia replies, trying to show a little enthusiasm for Fred's sake. "The ballet, for instance. Definitely worse."
Doyle looks more uncertain about the pleasures of mini-golf, as Cordelia watches his shoulders slump. "It might not be happy-fun time for us just yet." He remarks. "Maybe we can take a rain check, yeah?"
Fred's smile wavers a bit at Doyle's lackluster response, and Gunn's approving smile shifts to match her concern. "What's going on?" He asks.
Cordelia sighs heavily, giving Doyle a frustrated look. She has no intention of hiding their predicament from Fred and Gunn, but also doesn't have the energy to rehash it all right away. "I'll fill you in later." She says, waving them toward the lobby doors, a clear indication that she and Doyle need more time alone.
Fred and Gunn take the hint, proceeding across the courtyard and disappearing into the lobby, a little less excited than when they arrived.
"Way to rain on Fred's parade, Mr. Opposite-of-Sunshine." Cordelia says giving him a little punch in the arm. "I know we haven't found you a cure yet, but a double-date doesn't sound that awful. What happened to the magnificent poker-face of Doyle?"
"I didn't mean to disappoint the girl." Doyle replies fidgeting in his seat. He pats his pockets for his pack of cigarettes, but upon seeing Cordelia's arched brow he remembers himself and stops searching. "I just don't think we should be acting like a couple. Not when we can't be together."
Cordelia observes him silently for a moment. "We are together." She deadpans.
His resulting look tells her that he thinks she's gone soft in the head. "Cordelia, you're takin' for granted that the spell won't get more aggressive as time goes by." He says calmly, but adamantly. "Being with me's an unnecessary risk."
"It's a necessary risk to me." She fires back. "So, we can't have sex. Big whoop! You think we're the first couple in history who can't have sex because of some horrible supernatural consequences." Cordelia points toward the lobby doors. "Hello, Buffy and Angel! One moment of true happiness and the guy goes homicidal."
"Well, they're not exactly together now, are they?" Doyle points out reasonably. "And, the truth is, Cordy…I may never be cured. I don't wanna hold ya back from having something normal."
"Too late for that." She replies. He looks up at her, confused as ever. "It's hard for a guy to measure up to a ghost, y'know? And I'm not talking about Dennis." She gives him a sad smile and he nods in understanding. "And when I finally did try to move on, look what I ended up with… a half-demon with tragic fashion sense who called me Princess."
"You're sayin' that Groosalugg guy reminded you of me?" He asks uncertainly. "'Cause, I gotta be honest, darlin', I didn't see much of a resemblance."
She sighs again, realizing that sometimes you just have to spell things out. "I'm saying... I want to be with you any way that I can be. No matter how abnormal it is." She pulls his right hand into her own lap, tracing her fingers along the palm of his hand. She lowers her voice to a sexier register, teasing him a bit. "And let's just say, I am extremely motivated to help find you a cure."
"I can see that." Doyle replies, with a grin. "I'm feelin' pretty motivated myself."
"So, it's settled then?" Cordelia says brightly.
Doyle furrows his brow, maybe not entirely sure what had been settled. She stands up before he can object, and she notes the almost imperceptible grimace as the pain floods his body. She knows he isn't going to like it, but she refuses to stay away from him when she can take that pain away. "And that, right there, is precisely why I'm staying here with you tonight."
"Absolutely not." Doyle objects. "I can take the pain, Cordelia."
"But you shouldn't have to." She insists. "Not when I can take it away. We were fine last night and we were fine on my couch. We'll be fine again tonight."
She extends her hand out to him, waiting for him to take it. He stands slowly shaking his head. "Still the most stubborn girl I ever knew." He mumbles.
"And you still won't grab what's right in front of you." She flashes him her irresistible smile. She can see the exact moment when he caves.
He finally reaches out for her hand, thereby accepting her offer. "Well, what are we doing for chaperoning purposes?" He asks wryly. "Maybe ya wanna invite Fred and Gunn along? Get a jump on that whole double-date thing."
"Please, Doyle, if we're inviting someone into the bedroom, you know it'd have to be Angel." She says with a wink as they head toward the lobby entrance.
"That's not funny… Is this 'cause I said I was a little attracted?" Doyle wonders with mock-annoyance. "'Cause I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to bedroom activities. I don't really like to share."
"No, it's because he'll be sure to make your death quick, if necessary."
"Ah… well, I guess that's okay then."
Cordelia stares up at the light of the full moon, feeling the sand beneath her feet. The waves crash onto shore nearby and a warm sea breeze kisses her skin, leaving saltiness behind in its wake. Something else kisses her skin... Doyle, his arms wrapped around her from behind, using his lips to leave a trail of heat down her neck and across her bare shoulder. He steps around her, coming into view and she can see his eyes shining brilliantly in the light from above.
She is about to step forward, returning to his arms when he suddenly collapses. She falls to his side, but can do nothing as she watches him writhe in pain, and finally stop.
He is not breathing. She can't find his pulse. She screams into the empty air for help, wondering if she can figure out CPR on her own. But, then his skin begins to wither and crack and crumble into dust right before her eyes. Soon, she can't tell what had been Doyle and what is merely sand on the shore. She sifts the remains of the man she loves through her fingers and screeeeeeeaaaaaamssssss...
Cordelia sits upright in bed, her heart pounding through her chest. She turns to see Doyle sleeping beside her. She would feel relief if she hadn't nearly had a heart attack. And then, she watches his body jolt backward and then forward. His skin turns green and the spikes appear on his face as he is forced into his demon form by the impact of the vision.
The vision!
That's when the nausea hits her. She is going to be sick. She barely remembers running from the bed to the toilet bowl, where she loses whatever remains of her dinner. And then her body shakes as she lets out an inhuman sob.
It hadn't been a nightmare. It had been a vision of Doyle's death. That thing inside him wouldn't sit idly by why Doyle kept it trapped.
He appears in the doorway of the bathroom, still in his demon form. It is probably the only way he is strong enough to have moved so quickly after his vision. He kneels down on the tile floor beside her, morphing back into his human face. He reaches for her, pulling her into his arms. As he does so, she comes somewhat back to her senses, clinging to his body that is still in one piece. She can't stop the tears. She can't stop the trembling.
She whimpers into his shoulder. "It's going to kill you..."