A/N: This is the second last chapter of BMS. It's strange that the last few weeks I've been anxious to have it come to an end but now that we're almost there, I'm devastasted!
Thanks to everyone that takes the time to read and review, it means a lot. Mwah!
Bright and early the next morning Puck was standing on the Hummel's porch, jabbing the doorbell with the pad of his thumb. He'd awoken scarcely a half hour before with Rachel curled up to his chest, in the same position she had been in when she'd fallen into an exhausted sleep the night before.
Seeing the look of torment on her face, even while she slumbered, reignited Puck's resentment of Kurt's interference and he was determined to confront the flamboyant singer while his anger was still fresh. Scribbling a quick note for Rachel to read when she woke up and dropping a gentle kiss on her forehead as she slept on, Puck pulled on jeans and a plain black tee and drove his rickety old truck the couple of miles to his destination.
A brief glance of the driveway confirmed that Burt had already left for work, with Kurt's Navigator the only vehicle in sight. Impatiently, Puck rang the bell again and rapped sharply on the glass for added emphasis.
A few seconds later he heard Kurt's grumbling on the other side and the door swung upon, revealing the boy in question clad in grey and pink striped silk pajamas; a matching pink satin eye mask perched over his sleep mussed blond hair.
"Puck." He yawned, rubbing at his eyes. 'What are you-"
Before he had a chance to finish the question, Puck had pushed him roughly aside and stalked past him to enter the foyer, which opened straight into a sunken living room.
"Please, do come in." Kurt muttered sarcastically, rubbing the spot on his chest where the jock had shoved him.
Puck spun around to face him, a scowl fixed on his features as he adopted his confrontational stance, standing with his legs shoulder width apart, strong arms crossed over his broad chest.
Kurt gulped as he took in his friend's formidable expression, trying to figure out the possible reasons for him to be there at that hour of the morning, unable to even appreciate the way the basic black tee emphasized the other boy's muscled upper body.
"What the hell did you say to her Hummel?" Puck demanded without preamble, his glare so intense that Kurt found himself shrinking back from the heat behind it.
"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about," Kurt replied in honest confusion. "To Rachel you mean?"
Puck's jaw was clenched so tight, the soprano thought his teeth might shatter. "Why, what's wrong? Is she ok?"
'No she's not ok!" Puck exploded angrily, uncrossing his arms to throw them in the air, prowling restlessly across the room and back again like a caged tiger. "Rachel spent the better half of the night sobbing into my shoulder because of you and your crappy fucking advice!"
Kurt's mouth formed a silent 'O' as he caught the gist of the situation. "Oh no." he murmured sympathetically. "She really wasn't ready." He guessed, clucking his tongue sympathetically.
Puck stopped at stared at him. "You know there's no way in HELL she's even close to being ready for anything like you had in mind!"
Puck crowded Kurt's frame by the door, leaning in and snarling right into the boy's face. "Do me a fucking favour and keep your opinions about my sex life to yourself. Rachel's got enough to deal with already without you and your harpies putting ideas in her head, like she needs to 'reward' me for sticking with her through this. That's such bullshit!"
Puck was a vibrating ball of agitated energy and Kurt had turned his face away and was cringing, actually preparing for a fist to come flying in his direction when he registered what the intimidating left tackle was accusing him of.
"Wait, what?" Kurt asked, straightening and pushing Puck back a step.
"You heard me." Puck spat, stepping forward again to get back into the fashion iconoclast's face. "I want you and Mercedes to back the fuck off and-"
"Puck, just hang on a second!" Kurt held up his hand, effectively silencing the stream of words coming from the angry young man.
"You thought I told Rachel she needed to have sex with you?" he asked incredulously, raising one perfectly sculptured, sandy eyebrow. "No, that's just-" He shook his head and fixed a saddened look on his friend. "I know what Rachel's going through; I would never suggest such a thing to her. And I know you're not with her just for the sex. It's blatantly obvious how much you care about her."
"There is no sex." Puck stated needlessly, rolling his shoulders to release some of his balled up tension. 'There's not going to be any sex."
"And you're ok with that?" Kurt clarified, unable to contain his curiosity.
He regretted it as soon as the words left his lips as he was fixed with another stare of absolute loathing.
"The fuck Beyonce? You really think that little of me? I love her, damn it! I want her to get better, to work through her trauma. I'm not about to push her into satisfying my sexual urges when it'll be detrimental to her wellbeing." At Kurt's look of askance, Puck narrowed his eyes, "Yes I know what detrimental means."
Kurt smiled briefly, before adopting a grave look of concern. "That's what she was trying to do Puck. When we spoke yesterday, Rachel was telling me about how desperately she wants to work through her issues and she thought that by 'practicing' with you, trying to engage in some moderate form of hanky panky, she would grow more comfortable with the physical aspects of a relationship with you."
Puck mulled that over, his eyebrow furrowed.
"She wants to 'practice'?" He repeated sceptically making quotation marks with his fingers.
Kurt nodded. 'Rachel said that you when you two were kissing, sometimes she froze up."
Puck cocked his head in silent acknowledgement, urging him to go on.
"I don't know if I should tell you this, but-"
"Say it." Puck demanded harshly, crossing his arms again and leaning against the wall, watching him carefully.
Kurt took a deep breath, inwardly hoping Rachel wouldn't kill him for breaking her confidence. But then, Puck was her boyfriend, and he really ought to be aware of her plan, if only so he was more careful with her.
"Rachel-" Kurt paused, indecisive. "Well…."
"Kurt." Puck all but growled in warning.
"Rachel said that when you two are in the heat of the moment, she wants to go further and then she hesitates and all she can think about is Lagenthol."
Puck's expression turned pained and Kurt rushed on.
"She knows you would never force her into doing anything but like I said, she wants to go to the next level. So I suggested she forage ahead, only a little, to see how much more she was comfortable doing and after a while, you know," He shrugged. "It would be easier."
Puck ran a hand over his face wearily. "And where did you get your psychology degree Hummel? A cereal box? Don't you think this conversation is something Rachel should be having with her counsellor, or I dunno, ME?"
"I can't believe she wouldn't discuss this with me before going through with this harebrained scheme. Fuck, I feel so used."
Kurt cracked a smile that Puck returned briefly.
"Why wouldn't she talk to me about it?" Puck wondered, more to himself than anything as he focused on a chip in the paintwork, his mind turning over.
"Have you met Rachel Berry?" Kurt asked drolly. "When that girl gets an idea into her head she rolls with it, there's no stopping her."
Puck nodded in agreement and sighed. Just when he thought they might be making progress and returning to some type of normalcy, a proverbial roadblock was strewn into their path.
"Last night, how far did you two go?" Kurt couldn't help but query, throwing his hands up in surrender when Puck threw him a look of irritation. "It was just a question, you don't have to answer it."
Puck scratched his chest uncomfortably, "There was some heavy petting and she was um, well, rubbing against me when she broke out into hysterics." Puck sighed again. "I tried to stop but she just kept going until she- well, you know. There was no calming her down after that."
"Oh Rach." Kurt murmured sympathetically.
"What are you going to do?"
Puck shrugged, "I dunno, try and talk to her about all this I guess. Make her see her counsellor today, someone who knows what they're fucking talking about." Puck shot him a pointed look and Kurt flushed guiltily.
"I really am sorry Puck." He stated seriously. "I thought I was helping. I'll keep my thought to myself next time. I really thought she'd discuss it with you first."
Puck clapped a hand on Kurt's shoulder in thanks, smirking when the slight boy flinched.
"I appreciate that you're trying to be a good friend." Puck said. "You ARE a good friend." He paused. "To both of us." He shifted awkwardly. "Sorry for barging in here like I did." He muttered as an afterthought. "I better get back to her."
"I understand why you're upset. Just take care of our Diva alright?"
Kurt opened the door to let him out.
Puck tossed a wave over his shoulder and walked back to his truck, hands in his pockets and the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Rachel Barbara Berry, what am I going to do with you?
James and Andy were pottering around the kitchen when Puck returned, letting himself into the house and poking his head around the door to see if Rachel was downstairs.
"Good Morning Noah." James greeted, noting the paper bags in his hands and the tray of coffees.
"Did you go out for breakfast? Andy and I were thinking of trying to make pancakes."
Puck let out a chuckle. 'Try' being the operative word there. The Berry family were committed to take out, with none of them the least bit proficient in the kitchen.
Rachel was getting better at cooking (Puck had been giving her some pointers), but her Dad's… well they couldn't boil water without burning it.
"Yeah, good luck with that." He teased them, indicating the fire extinguisher hanging ready by the pantry. "You know how to use that right?"
Andy nodded with a faux sad look gracing his features. "Oh yes. The Great Thanksgiving Turkey Debacle of '06." He droned mournfully causing his husband to splutter with laughter.
Puck shook his head, not wanting to know.
"Guys, has Rachel been down yet?"
Andy shook his head no. "I haven't heard her. I thought you two were both still in bed."
Puck scratched his eyebrow nervously. "Yeah, hey about that-"
When he had the attention of both men, Puck launched generally into the events of the evening before and the conversation Rachel had with Kurt that preceded that.
James looked at Andy worriedly and Puck felt his face flaming as he finished his tale.
Walking in on the two men engaging in foreplay? Walk in the park compared to having to tell them their only daughter was engaging in a mild game of "Operation Seduce Puck" in an effort to overcome her anxiety about sex.
Andy sunk onto one of the bar stools and James reached for the phone on the wall. "I'll schedule an appointment with Jackie for today. Rachel clearly needs to talk to someone and in this case, I just don't feel comfortable-" he broke off, striding out of the room with the cordless handset in his grasp.
"I'm sorry Andy." Puck said quietly, setting down the tray of beverages and the bags containing croissants and bagels onto the bench opposite Rachel's dad.
"You didn't do anything wrong." Andy assured him, seeing the look of guilt on the boys face.
Puck leaned his palms against the counter and met Andy's gaze full on.
"I'm not pressuring her into anything." He promised. "I know she's not ready for that. That we're not ready. I would have told her that if she talked to me about it first."
Andy tried to smile at him, but the effort was forced. "I promise you Noah, that James and I aren't upset with you. We have first hand experience with Rachel's steadfast determination, once she's made up her mind about something."
Puck didn't know what else to say so he just nodded, not wanting to prolong the conversation anyway.
He took two coffees out of the tray and left one of the bags of pastries, picking up the other to take up to Rachel.
'I'm just gonna-" he gestured awkwardly to the stairs and Andy nodded.
When he was halfway out the door, he heard Andy call to him.
"Noah, wait!"
Puck turned back to the dark skinned man who had stood up and crossed to stand in front of him, resting his large hands on the youth's shoulders. "I meant what I said." He stressed seriously, pinning him with the sincerity of his gaze. "I'm not upset with you. You have Rachel's best interests at heart, since the moment we met you I haven't doubted that. And I appreciate the fact that you thought to share what happened last night with us, I know it must have been difficult."
He searched Puck's face, seeing the mental exhaustion he felt himself reflected in the younger man's eyes. "I want you to know that you're part of our family now Noah, you're almost like the son we never had. If you need anything- if you need to talk about Rachel, school, your mom, whatever…you can come to us alright?"
Puck dipped his head; trying to clamp down on the emotion welling in the base of his throat. He'd forgotten what it was like to have a Dad, someone who was there for you, to set an example of what it meant to be a good man. James and Andy had slowly begun to fill the void for Puck that his son of a bitch father had left when he'd walked out on their family. Having confirmation from Andy that he was more to them as well, more than just their daughter's boyfriend, caused his breath to hitch painfully in his chest.
Get your shit together Puckerman.
"Thanks." He said quietly after a minute.
Andy squeezed his shoulders and let him go, watching as the strapping young man headed for the stairs and mounted the steps two at a time, disappearing out of view.
He heard his husband clear his throat and Andy turned to face James who was frowning worriedly in the direction Puck had just gone.
"Is he ok?" he asked in concern and Andy just sighed.
"I don't know James, I just don't know." He confessed tiredly. "I thought things were getting better and then this little issue rears its head. How much added stress can those two handle?"
James didn't have an answer, but then the question was rhetorical anyway.
"Should we go up?" James ventured uncertainly and Andy shook his head, sliding his hand around his husband's waist.
"They know where we are if they need us. Besides, I don't think talking to us about the situation will cause anything other than embarrassment all round. The only person Rachel needs to talk to right now is Noah and I have a feeling he'll be sure to point out how unreasonable it was for her to think she could take that step in their relationship without at least talking it through with him first."
James pursed his lips thoughtfully then cracked a small smile. "With all the rumours that circulate this town about that boy, did you ever imagine a scenario where he would have to activity try and shun our daughter's advances?"
Andy let out a loud guffaw before sobering quickly.
"She's going to be ok eventually, right?" Andy, usually the tower of strength in their family, was seeking reassurance and the vulnerability in his tone had James lean into his shoulder comfortingly.
"It's going to take time." James answered, rubbing his back. "But yes, she has us and Noah and the support of the Glee club. Someday, she'll be just fine."
They lapsed into silence, staring at the stairs that led up to the second level, both of their minds focused on the two teenagers upstairs. The worry would eat them alive if they let it. They just had to lend their support and have faith that Noah was strong enough to continue shouldering the burden of Rachel's attachment, and reliance on him.
They prayed he was.
When Puck entered her bedroom, he found that Rachel was still sleeping, curled up on her side with her hands balled near her chin.
He set their breakfast gingerly on the bedside table and crawled over the covers to lay on top of the duvet, stretched out beside her.
He cupped her face and brushed his thumb over her cheekbone, feeling the warmth of her flawless skin under his fingertips. Her eyelashes fluttered as she stirred.
"Good morning." She greeted groggily, blinking the sleep out of her eyes.
"Morning." He replied easily as she leaned over for a chaste kiss.
Rachel yawned widely and stretched her arm above her head, letting out a satisfied groan when her elbow cracked; it was then she noted his attire.
"You're dressed already? Have you been out somewhere?" She asked curiously, sliding her arm around his middle and burrowing into his body, content to lie there for a while longer.
Puck's arm came around her back and he played with the ends of her hair.
"Yeah, I stopped by that bakery on Main Street you like and got you a wholegrain bagel and a skinny latte."
"Thank you baby." She kissed his jaw and made to sit up and reach for her coffee. He sat up as well, handing her the cup and the bag containing her toasted bagel and a small tub of lite cream cheese.
He waited until she had taken a sip of her coffee before adding, "I also stopped by Kurt's place."
Rachel's eyes flew to him and the events of the night before came rushing back to her. Her hand trembled and he quickly took the cup from her, placing it back on the side table before reaching back to enfold her shaking hand is his.
"It's ok." He placated her soothingly.
"No it's not." She corrected him, as the memory flashed through her mind. Hysteria tinged her voice, "What I did-"
"It's ok Rach." He repeated, pulling her into his arms and kissing the top of her head. "It's ok."
"You're not mad at me?" She asked pathetically, bunching his t-shirt in her fist
He chuckled without humour, "You're always asking me that. How can I be mad at you?"
He rubbed his hands over her shoulders and down her arms, prying her hand from his shirt and entwining his fingers with hers.
"Why did you go to Kurt's?" She asked after a moment, leaning her head back to look at him.
"I misheard you last night." He admitted, "I thought Kurt said something that made you think you had to have sex with me to keep me around."
Her eyes widened in alarm. "Oh no! You refrained from killing him didn't you? Kurt said no such thing."
Puck took his free hand and pressed his index finger to her lips. "Shhh babe. I didn't kill him, though when I got there I wanted too." His face darkened and Rachel squeezed his hand.
"I'm so sorry Noah." She offered miserably, her chin touching her chest as she looked down, shamefaced.
"Hey." He grasped her chin with a gentle touch and forced her to meet his gaze. "You don't have to apologize to me. I just wish you would talk to me about what's going on in your head, rather than Kurt."
"It wasn't fun for me to have Beyonce be the one to let slip you were struggling to separate your attack with your feelings for me." She shook off his hand to frame his face with both of her tiny hands.
"Oh Noah, that's not it at all. I admit that sometimes when we-" she blushed but resolutely held his gaze, starting again. "If I let my mind wander, I panic. But if I focus on you, and don't let myself forget that it's you that's with me, touching me and igniting those sparks that seem to set my skin on fire, then I-" she cut herself off and pressed her lips to his almost desperately. "I don't want to stop." She finished when she broke away.
"But it scares me Noah." She admitted taking a deep breath. "I know you're not Alex, you're his polar opposite in fact-"
He jerked as though she had slapped him and his face turned a sickly shade of green. Even though she was saying she knew he was nothing like that fucker, the way she said it seemed to insinuate she had to remind herself of that.
"I would never, ever, do anything like that Rach." He said lowly.
Rachel made a sound of annoyance. 'Of course you wouldn't, that's what I'm trying to tell you."
"I'm safer in your arms than anywhere else. I know you and you'd never do anything to hurt me."
"So…" he prompted slowly. "In the heat of the moment, when we're doing stuff, what's going on up there?" He tapped her temple lightly with his finger.
Rachel sighed. "I can't explain it. I'm not actively thinking anything except how alive you make me feel, but then something just triggers my anxiety and I can't help but draw a correlation to what Alex did to me."
"It's not that I question what you'll do when I reach my comfort threshold. I'm sure that any sign of hesitance from me would have you stopping us from going any further, a point you proved last night."
"Tried to prove." He corrected. "Fat load of good that did."
She ignored that comment.
"I thought that by leading us past the kissing and groping stage, I'd feel closer to you."
Puck pulled back in surprise. "You don't feel close to me?" he asked, confused and hurt.
"And what, knowing that it would make you uncomfortable, you went ahead and tried to get both of us off anyway, thinking that being together physically would do the trick? How'd that work out for you Rach?"
He tried to keep the anger from his voice but from the look on her face, he wasn't succeeding. He detangled himself from her in an effort to get some space and sort through that little revelation of hers.
He'd shared more with her than anyone else and up until a minute ago, if anyone had of asked him who knew him better than anyone in the world, it would have been a close tie between Rachel and Finn. The fact that what he had offered of himself didn't seem like enough for her, well shit, wasn't that a fucking slap in the face?
"No! That's not what I meant." She insisted, panicked, trying to hold onto his arm as he got to his feet and moved away.
She launched herself after him, darting around his body to cut him off at the door.
"Noah." She implored softly and he groaned at the pleading look on her face, knowing he wasn't going to be able to keep from hearing the rest of her explanation, but wary as to how he'd feel at the end of it.
Rachel kept her distance, recognizing that at that moment he was screaming for some breathing room and though it killed her, she allowed him that one concession, despite the fact she wasn't willing to let him go without making him understand.
"How can you say that? You know practically everything there is to fucking know about me and I think I know all your deep, dark secrets too. After everything we've gone through these last few weeks, hell these last few months, what else is there?" He was ranting, and when he snapped his jaw shut testily she spoke.
"It's not that I don't feel close to you emotionally Noah, because I do. What you just said, that's how I feel as well. I know you and I like to believe that I can tell you anything and that you feel comfortable enough talking to me too."
"So what did you mean by closer then? In case you haven't noticed, I've been pretty much glued to your fucking side, 24/7."
"I was under the impression you didn't mind that so much." Rachel said slowly, stung by the irritation is his tone.
"Of course I don't mind." He rolled his eyes, but the statement appeased her suspicion that he was getting sick of her.
Her fingers were itching to touch him and, forgetting her resolution that she wouldn't invade his personal space, she stepped up to him and wound her arms around his waist, relieved when one of his hands came to rest on her hip.
"You're confusing the hell out of me here." He informed her needlessly. "Why didn't you stop last night when I told you to?"
She had a theory but it wasn't fully formed and she knew if she tried to explain it and it came out all jumbled, it would make things worse.
"Because it felt good. Wasn't it good for you too? For a while at least?" She turned her big brown eyes on him and he groaned.
"Of course it was. You're fucking hot as hell babe, and I want as much of you as I can get. But I wasn't prepared for you to take it that far. Sex, or anything close to that is just not on the cards for us. Not anytime soon."
"I'm not suggesting that it is. I'm not ready for sex Noah, but I really think maybe if we attempt to at least-"
He cut her off with another chaste kiss. "No buts. It's not happening. I'm taking whatever it is that you're thinking right now, off the table."
Rachel bit her lip unhappily and he eyed her just as woefully. "Believe me babe, it's hurting me more than it hurts you." He attempted to joke. "But picking at a scab isn't going to get it to heal. I think us fooling around is messing with your head. You need more time."
Her eyes filled with tears.
"I'm so tired of hearing everyone say that to me. There has to be something more I can do than just wait around, talking about it and hoping any fear or insecurity just washes away. I want to move past this Noah.
"Rach…" he closed his eyes and kissed her forehead.
"I don't want to think about him when I'm with you. It's not one particular thing that sets of my alarm either. If it was, it would be so much easier to just-" She broke off, shaking her head.
"I know babe."
Rachel stared at the v of his t-shirt, chewing her lip. They were silent for a moment.
"What else I can say Noah? What you want to hear?"
His heart broke at the despondency in her tone and he felt like the biggest asshole on the planet for making her feel like she done something wrong. When he wrapped her tighter in his embrace and pressed his nose into her neck, she felt his silent apology.
"Nothing babe. I'm being a dick. You have no control over these panic attacks. I just can't stand it when you hurt."
They stayed like that for a while, standing with their arms locked around each other, swaying slightly from side to side.
"What now?" She asked softly, speaking into his chest.
"Your Dad is trying to make an appointment for you today to see Jackie." He told her just as quietly and she nodded. That seemed wise.
"Babe, just please-" Puck squeezed her tighter. "Promise me you won't push yourself like you did last night. I know it's hard, but we'll figure it out ok?"
"Ok." She whispered, feeling the sting of tears behind her eyelids and he kissed the top of her head and released her gently.
"Drink your coffee, I'm going to take a shower."
She nodded and watched him retreat to her bathroom. When he was out of sight, she flopped on the bed and reached for her phone. It wasn't that she didn't trust that Noah hadn't in fact killed Kurt, she just wanted to check on how he was doing.
Still, when her friend answered the phone with a chipper: "Darling! You'll never guess what Mercedes just told me!", Rachel smiled in relief.
A couple of hours later, Puck found himself sitting alongside Rachel in her counsellor's office. Jackie was nice, he had to admit and he was pleased to see that Rachel was genuinely at ease talking to her, but at that moment he'd rather be anywhere else rather than seated on that uncomfortable couch listening to the loud ticking of the clock overhead.
He couldn't quite figure out how he'd been pulled in there in the first place. As he drove Rachel to her appointment, he'd been complaining about the sweltering heat and when she suggested he come in with her and sit in the air conditioned waiting room until she was done, he'd readily agreed.
However, when Jackie had come out of her office to retrieve Rachel's file from the receptionist, Rachel had jumped to her feet and eagerly introduced Puck to the older woman who had almost immediately decided that as long as Rachel had no objections, Puck should sit in on the session.
Of course she'd raised no objections. Rachel fervently hoped that with Jackie asking the probing questions and assisting her in making sense out of her feelings, she could convey to Noah what she'd been trying to explain that morning, in a more cohesive manner. She sensed that he was still upset by their conversation.
Jackie was reading over the notes she had scribbled as Rachel explained the events that had transpired the night before. The room was presently silent, save from the rustling of paper as she turned over a sheet on her legal pad.
"Rachel." The older woman began, "I think we understand the thought process behind your actions last night and can appreciate that hormones make us think we're ready for much more than we can actually handle."
Puck nodded and Rachel inclined her head in agreement.
"What I need you to clear up for me though, is why you jumped so far ahead in the intimacy department. From what I gathered at our last session, you were just getting comfortable with- what do you kids call it? 'Making out'? Why couldn't you explore that for longer? Why did you feel the need to push beyond that so quickly?"
Puck crossed his arms. That was an excellent question. They had been kissing for weeks, but it generally only lasted a minute or so before one or both of them broke it off. Since his court appearance though, they had graduated to full blown make out sessions that only seemed to get longer and hotter as the week progressed.
But as intense as those kisses were, his hands had never strayed anywhere other than her back, her waist or his favourite place- entangled in her hair. Until last night.
Jackie was correct in stating that they had leapt from PG to an almost R rating without warning.
Rachel was fidgeting nervously beside him and when her hand came to rest on the cushion between them, Puck took her hand and squeezed her fingers encouragingly.
He heard her exhale loudly and waited patiently for her to answer.
Jackie had fixed her with a penetrating look that had Rachel shift uncomfortably in her seat. "Rachel?" she ventured gently. "Does your sudden interest in getting more intimate with Noah have anything to do with what we spoke about in our last session?"
Rachel bit her lip, staring straight ahead while Puck looked between her and Jackie in confusion.
"Rachel." Jackie prompted again and Rachel gave her an almost pleading look.
"Do we really have to talk about this now?" She asked, darting a quick glance to Puck before averting her gaze. He noticed. He also saw Jackie gazing sideways at him and he crossed his arms defensively. What were they keeping from him?
"No." Jackie conceded, scribbling something else down on her pad. "But Noah's right here Rachel. And I think that he can alleviate some of the fears about your relationship if you share with him what's bothering you."
"What fears? What's wrong with our relationship?" He questioned, narrowing his gaze at the counsellor. As far as he knew, he and Rachel were good. It was everything else that was fucked up.
Jackie stared back unperturbed. "Rachel has a few minor concerns that I've assured her are probably unwarranted. But I think that indirectly, they may have contributed to what happened last night."
Puck turned his body so he was facing his girlfriend. This whole talking through a third person thing was starting to piss him off.
"What's up babe? What are you worried about?" He asked, careful to keep his tone neutral despite his growing irritation with this situation. He was a dude, all this talk about feelings was beginning to make his eye twitch.
"Nothing." She denied automatically and he arched an eyebrow at her profile.
Rachel resumed her fidgeting and Puck's irritation gave way to a growing concern.
Therewas definitely something up.
"Rach, we've been over this. You can tell me anything remember?" he cajoled, playing with her fingers, keeping them occupied so she couldn't pick invisible link off of her skirt.
She was silent for a full minute before turning shining brown eyes in his direction
"Don't be mad." She begged and that questions had the bottom dropping out of his gut. What now? The constant drama in their lives was fucking draining.
"I'm not."
"You will be." Rachel predicted surely, sliding toward him and throwing the leg closest to him over his knees, pulling the hand that was entwined with hers onto her lap.
"I won't" Puck promised, his free hand resting on the expanse of thigh bared as her skirt rode up. "Tell me what you and Jackie talked about during your last session."
He heard the encouraging sound Jackie made opposite them and felt Rachel stiffen, as if she too just realized that there was a third person in the room.
She squeezed his hand lightly. "Please remember that any insecurities I had when I brought this up with Jackie aren't applicable anymore so-"
"Wait," he interjected tipping her chin up. "You're insecure? About me?"
His intent hazel eyes searched hers and she knew that holding it back was only going to do more harm than good. She just had to ensure that he knew she didn't doubt him and that any fears she had were fleeting and had long since been assuaged.
"I was momentarily uncertain." She conceded. "About what was transpiring between us, yes. But bear in mind I wasn't aware at the time that you loved me."
His features had been schooled into a neutral expression, but as his fingers made a sweeping motion over her cheekbone to tuck her hair behind her ear, his eyes softened.
"You were having doubts." He summarised. "What kind of doubts, babe?"
She worried her lower lip between her teeth. "I-." she paused and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to draw on some invisible reserve of strength. She wasn't sure what he would do when he figured out what had bothered her.
When she opened her eyes, it was to shoot Jackie a nasty look. The purpose of having Noah in this session wasn't to discuss this but to reaffirm that exploring the physical side to their relationship wasn't going to prove damaging to her recovery; that a certain amount of panic and uncomfortableness was to be expected.
If he took this the wrong way, it would be bad. Very bad,
"Fleetingly," she began tentatively, " And I must stress that this thought was so transitory, I didn't think to mention it because really it was a tiny, insignificant seed of doubt that you alleviated so quickly I felt it did warrant a discussion and-"
"Rach," he groaned. "You're killing me. Get to the point."
"I don't know how I measure up," She revealed slowly, her voice meek. "Against the other girls- well women really," she corrected herself wryly. "That you've been with."
"I'm not very experienced and I know you are so-" she trailed off, half lifting her shoulder as she looked at him helplessly, waiting for the fallout of her revelation.
He sat quietly, his hand dropping from her thigh as he leant back into the sofa, processing.
"I've kissed two people Noah, you and Finn. I haven't had a boyfriend before and I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. Then I think about what you've done, countless times, and I confess that I feel slightly intimidated by the differences in our respective levels of experience."
"You're doing fine Rach." Puck placated her, "You're one hell of a kisser." He flashed her a leering grin and she blushed prettily.
"Thank you." She accepted softly, "But it terms of our relationship, I feel like we need to talk about your expectations."
He was stunned silent for a few seconds before he found his voice. "My expectations Berry?"
Rachel shrunk back a little. Usually when he addressed her by her surname, it was with warmth and teasing, and lately she'd been only babe or Rach; the way he spat her name then was anything but affectionate.
"My fucking expectations?" he repeated again, heatedly, as he pushed her gently off him and stalked towards the doorway. Before he was even half way there, he turned back, his eyes blazing a rich green.
"Do we need to fucking recap here? You were raped Rachel! Some asshole got you drunk and fucking stole your virginity while you were fucking unconscious." He reminded them needlessly. "You were goddamn broken and when I found out, all I wanted to do was kill that mother fucker with bare hands and not let you out of my sight. Every second since then has been about you. Making sure you're ok; that you're eating and sleeping and not lying fucking catatonic in the bottom of the shower."
During his tirade, Jackie had remained silent but as he paused, she attempted to intervene and calm the situation. She opened her mouth and Puck noticed, snarling at her that she'd done enough for the moment and to listen up because he wasn't done.
"Was I suppose to have time during that to sit back and think to myself, 'Hey, here I am putting in the fucking hard yards, playing white knight to your damsel in distress. I wonder how long it's going to take before she gets over it and I have free reign to fuck the gratitude out of her?'"
"Is that what you thought I was sticking around for? Is that what you thought I was expecting?"
Rachel was sitting where he left her, tears streaming down her face, and although the sight gnawed at him, he couldn't bring himself to comfort her.
"Are you finished?" Jackie asked mildly, shooting Rachel a concerned look.
Puck exhaled loudly, the fight having gone out of him and his shoulders drooping. "Yeah."
"Good." Jackie said, "Because I think if you had of waited a moment Rachel would have clarified that it wasn't that she thought you were expecting from her as much as of her."
He growled his frustration. "What does that even mean?" He demanded tightly.
He turned his intense gaze back to his girlfriend.
Rachel wiped the tears away and stood, walking towards him slowly and coming to stop a foot in front if him.
"Noah, I know you aren't expecting sex, at least not immediately. That's not what this was about. When I said your expectations of our relationship, I meant the entire relationship, not just the physical parts." She emphasized quietly.
He had no idea what was going on here and he voiced as much, "What in the hell are you talking about Rachel? What expectations am I supposed to have?" he grated, annoyed.
Rachel looked at him in mild surprise, her voice stronger when she next spoke. "You're asking me? I told you Noah. You're my first boyfriend. I don't how these things work."
"And I do? Do you think I know the first fucking thing about having a girlfriend?"
'Yes!" she exclaimed, exasperated now. "Haven't we established that you're the one with the experience? I thought you'd let me know what I should be doing, what you like and don't like, because if I'm supposed to just emulate your other relationships I'm doomed! I've been wracking my brain trying to remember how things were with you and Santana but I can't remember the two of you doing anything other than fighting and making out in janitor's closets!"
His eyebrow furrowed as he tried to make sense of that. "Dude, you're going to take a leaf out of Santana's book?"
She threw her hands up, her face going red as she retorted. "Well who else Noah? You've had sex with half of the women in Lima but you've only had one other girlfriend and that was Santana!"
"There must have been something about her that made you agree to be her boyfriend! And it puzzles me because in case you haven't noticed, I'm nothing like her. I don't know what she did, besides sex to get you to date her. So yes, maybe I thought that if I tried to be a little bit more physical-"
Puck tugged on the hem of her tank top, forcing her to step closer.
"THAT's what you were worried about?" He demanded his tone not nearly as angry as it had been a moment ago.
"That you weren't anything like Santana?"
When she didn't answer, Puck threw his head back and laughed.
Both Rachel and Jackie stared at him as he shook with mirth, his amusement a stark contrast to the anger he'd been bristling with only a moment before.
After a few minutes, Puck wiped his streaming eyes and addressed the older woman.
"No offence Doc, But I hope you have another day job, because you really suck at this counselling thing."
Jackie didn't take offence. "You think so?" She asked idly and Puck nodded.
"You must be asking the fucking wrong questions to help her reach that conclusion. I hope your degree is refundable."
Despite her current displeasure with the woman, Rachel chastised Puck for insulting her.
He shrugged, grinning. "Seriously Rach. That's completely whacked. And you bought that shit?" The teasing was back in his tone.
"Babe, Santana may have tried to put the boyfriend label on me, but we were just fucking."
Rachel winced at the mental image and he brushed his thumb over the inside of her wrist. "Outside of the bedroom we had nothing to talk about, could barely stand to be in the same room as each other." Puck assured her.
"Trust me when I say, this thing you and I are doing here?" he gestured between the two of them, "This is completely fucking new territory. I'm clueless to how it's supposed to go but I'm going to play the dutiful boyfriend because I love you & I want to be with you."
"It's new for me too." Rachel reminded him softly. "It's not going to be easy for either of us to navigate this relationship and we're both certain to make some errors, but," she shrugged unsurely. "You've been so wonderful so far, don't you think? I'm a mess and for someone who once claimed they were emotionally retarded, you've done exceptionally well in handling it all."
"Well, you're a hot mess so that helps." He kissed her nose, spanning her waist with his hands. She giggled, feeling lighter already.
"You know I haven't felt this way before, that's why no one else has put a fucking leash on me. It has nothing to do with how spectacular or great in bed Santana was, because she really wasn't."
"I don't particularly need to know how you rate her Noah." Rachel said crisply, her smile dimming as she pushed him away slightly. Puck rolled his eyes.
"No, you just want to know how you rate against her." He corrected, pulling her closer again and wiped away the remnants of her tears.
"It's not a competition Rach and I know what I'm about to say is going to make me sound like a total pussy," his face twisted in disgust, "But you have nothing to be worried about because I don't have anything to compare you to."
'You've either warped my brain or I must be so into you that it just makes the memory of any woman before you either disappear or seem…I dunno, lacking I guess. I'm not going anywhere because I can't imagine wanting to look at anyone else, let alone fuck them."
Her hands were on his face pulling him towards her and he dipped his head to kiss her. When he gave her lips a final sweep with his tongue and pulled back, Rachel was beaming.
Puck figured his words had the desired effect.
"So do you feel better now?" he asked and she nodded, still smiling brilliantly.
"And there's nothing else you're concerned about?" He pressed, running his fingers through her hair.
At his knowing look she sighed.
"I'm still concerned about the sex. I know you aren't expecting it, but how long do you think you can go without it before it becomes an issue for us?"
"Rach I haven't had sex in months, you know I haven't." he reminded her and she knew it was true. Since Quinn had given birth to their baby and Rachel and Puck had become friendly, he'd complained bitterly about his dry spell, repetitively.
"I know I'm a fucking stud, but I do have self control. It's not like I need to have it." It pained him to say that. There was a time when he thought sex was as essential to him as breathing.
Rachel kissed his chin. "You're right. I shouldn't place so much emphasis on it. In any case, it may not take as long as I anticipate until I'm ready to take that step anyway."
"You're a lunatic." He told her seriously, running his hands over her back. "Were you listening earlier when I told you there was no fucking way I was letting you talk me in to having sex with you, any time in the near future?"
"Well yes. You seemed quite adamant about it."
"That's coz I am babe." He looked away for a moment before focusing back on her. "Look, you and I both know what I've done in the past. My reputation is legendary for a reason-"
"You're bragging." She accused with a faint smile and he merely shrugged.
"Whatever. I'm not going to pretend I don't want sex, that I don't think about it like all the fucking time." He rolled his eyes, "Because that'd be a bigass lie and you're fucking gorgeous. Of course I've imagined you in every possible position I could bend you." He paused, taking delight in her blush as his smirk widened. "And you're pretty friggin flexible so…" he appeared to lose himself in that train of though and Rachel smacked him lightly, flattered yet equally disgusted.
"But it's pretty clear that you've got a long ways to go before we're ready to discuss it, let alone do it and I get that. As I've said, fucking twice now, I want to be with you, sex or no sex. So if I have to jack myself off everyday fucking day, then that's what I'll have to do." He kissed her sweetly and she sighed into his mouth resting her palms on his chest.
"I could help you with that." She offered shyly and he groaned, burying his face in her hair.
"Don't tempt me Berry. I said all that stuff was off limits for a while and I mean it." He declared almost sadly and she laughed.
"You said that, but your kisses are still intoxicating." She said coyly. "You might have decided there are things we won't be exploring for a while, but that probably won't stop us from straddling that line as we tend to do in the heat of the moment."
He smirked when she mentioned straddling.
"So you really weren't bull shitting before? You find me so damn irresistible, you just can't help yourself?"
'Yes." She groaned resting her head against his chest. "How many times do I have to repeat myself?"
"I dunno." Puck replied easily, "I like hearing you say it over and over again. It's a fucking turn on."
Rachel laughed and pushed him away and they stood there, grinning at each other.
"Good." Jackie interrupted, scribbling the last of her notes before looking up.
"So Rachel, are you completely convinced that Noah isn't going to hold you up to some imaginary yardstick of sexual perfection and then dump you for someone more experienced?"
Rachel looked at him and smiled. "Yes, I really am." She turned her attention back to her counsellor. "Thank you Jackie." she was saying sincerely. "I suppose I didn't truly realize how ridiculous my fear was or how much that was bothering me until you forced me to address it today."
Jackie got to her feet and flashed a grin that encompassed both teenagers.
"You're welcome Rachel. It's why I get paid the big bucks." Her smile turned sly as she winked at Puck and his own grin faded.
Holy shit, perhaps she wasn't such a crock after all. She knew what the core issue was this whole entire time and one well timed question had been all it took to unleash the cascade of discussion he felt he'd only just barely survived.
That entire long winded conversation had been so he knew Rachel wasn't pushing the intimacy issue just because she found him sexy, (tho she just admitted she fucking did) but more because she worried about how she was going to compare to his long list of conquests. He didn't know whether she had a masochistic streak or was just a fucking genius.
"You could have just come right out and said something." Puck grumbled and Jackie laughed.
"Now where's the fun in that? Besides, the complexities of the thought process are fascinating."
Yeah whatever, he thought. That sounded pretty gay to him.
When Rachel took a step to follow the counsellor back into the waiting area to book her next appointment, Puck tugged on her shirt, pulling her back and she looked up at him curiously.
"We've had enough fucking drama today to fill a weeks worth of lifetime movies. Can we please do something fun now?" He turned on the puppy dog eyes and the pout his mother had vainly tried to teach him he needed to use for good and not evil.
Her eyes sparkled up at him and she rose on her tip toes to fling her arms around his neck and press her lips to his.
"Yes, please. I'm now in desperate need of some light hearted activity. What did you have in mind?" she inquired, caressing the nape of his neck.
"Dunno, I'll think of something. Let's just schedule your next appointment and get the fuck out of here."
She laughed and gave him another kiss before reaching for her purse. He swatted her behind playfully as she bent over and then took her hand as she straightened, leading her out of the room.
When they reached the door to enter the foyer and she made to pass through it before him, Puck tugged gently on her wrist and Rachel once again turned back, arching her eyebrow in askance.
He pulled her into his body again and kissed her thoroughly, until she was pink and breathless.
"Love you." Puck murmured against her lips as he pecked them again and let her go.
She slid her hand into the back pocket of his jeans and leant into his side, "I love you too, Noah." Rachel replied softly and he smiled down at her, his arm coming around her as they exited the room together.
A/N 2: Since I'm wrapping up this fic, I've started work on the next multi-chaptered fic. The 2 part prequel is called Choices and Consequences- If you haven't read it yet, please check it out! Those first two chapters are a bit of a smut-fest but what I've written beyond that is shaping up pretty well. I hope you like it, let me know!