Chapter Twenty

Things only went downhill from there. Randy eventually forgave me for not being truthful, or at least that's what he claimed. But we started fighting again, fighting in a way we never had before. Because back before we were married, we fought over his addiction. We were two people who had no business being in a relationship, but this version of us… we'd never fought this way and it terrified me.

It always started out as something little, or a comment he'd make about Nick, and it snowballed into a bad enough fight we wouldn't speak for days at a time. It hurt a lot at first, but gradually as the months went by it just became another routine in my life.

I couldn't confide in anyone either, not really. I felt ashamed. Over the years I'd always talked about mine and Randy's marriage, making it out to be infallible, and here it was, diminishing right before my eyes. The worst part was the feeling of helplessness; not being able to do anything. Because no matter how much I begged and insisted, it was never enough for Randy, he'd always insist he was over it, only for him to turn around and throw it in my face again.

I did talk to Latoya about it, frequently, both her and my mother and each time they always said the same things.

My mom would tell me that I needed to keep fighting, that we all made mistakes, but the people that love us will always forgive us if we give them good reason to. She told me to spend as much time with Randy as possible, and to make it clear that he was the only one for me.

Latoya of course took a different approach.

"Mickie, I love you, but you brought this on yourself. You should have been honest with Randy in the first place and none of this would have happened. Lying about it just gave him reason to assume something was going on between you and Nick."

"There was nothing going on with us!"

"Then why didn't you tell Randy?"

"Why would I need to do that when I have a nosy sister to do it for me?" I snapped.

Latoya and I didn't speak for a few months after Randy's trip to Orlando. I knew it was childish to ignore her calls and messages, but I couldn't seem to get past the betrayal I felt when I found out she went behind my back. Yes, Randy deserved the truth, of course he did, but it hadn't been her place and my marriage was a complete mess because of it. But I hadn't been able to stay mad at her for long, she was my best friend and I recognized that she was trying to do what was right for both me and Randy. She'd just gone about it in a completely wrong way.

I sighed when she raised her eyebrows at me, "Because it was unnecessary. He gets so jealous sometimes. I wanted to avoid the inevitable reaction."

"When's the last time Randy got jealous over another guy?"

"Before we were married."

"And you just gave him a good reason to make assumptions."

"No, I didn't, not if he had trusted me."

"Well you didn't trust him with the truth, how is that any different? You never should have let yourself get into this situation. You're a married woman and clearly whatever is going on with this Nick guy is inappropriate. I know you probably want to hit me, for what I did and for this less than happy opinion but there it is. You need to stop hanging out with him, Mickie, if your marriage means anything; you'll end the friendship with him right now. In fact, if you want to save your marriage, then maybe you need to think about moving back to St. Louis."

After a few of those conversations, I stopped talking to her about it. I didn't feel like her words were very helpful. They got repetitive after awhile and offered no solution to help get my marriage back on track. Of course I realized too late that her solution was the only right one.

That April was of course Wrestlemania. I figured that the week leading up the event spent with Randy could only be good for us. I spoke with TNA management ahead of time, and asked to be excused from the preceding weeks taping, and while they weren't happy, especially considering the reason I wanted the time off, I reminded them that I wasn't under contract and they knew from the beginning that I was still going to be associated with the WWE, if only through my husband. It was semi convenient that the event was being held in Miami this year, as it was less of a commute. The main attraction was the Rock vs. John Cena, a match many people were excited to see, myself included. Two worlds were colliding, how could you not be excited about it?

I spent the entire four days acting as if everything in my life was perfect. Phil was the only person outside of my mom, Latoya and Kate who knew what was going on with Randy and me. I was too embarrassed to confide in anyone else and even if that wasn't the case, Wrestlemania was hardly the right time to be going around and telling everyone my problems.

I was actually kind of counting on the event to take my mind off of everything and allow me to bask in the glow of an event that I held dear to my heart. Six years ago I'd won my first women's championship at Wrestlemania, finally having had all my focus and hard work pay off. What was great about that night was even though I was a heel, and playing such a lunatic, I'd had so many people in the crowd that night behind me, cheering me on. That was still one of the best, if not the greatest, highlights of my career. So yeah, being around this sort of atmosphere did wonders in helping me unwind for a bit there. Most importantly I got to spend time with old friends, people I hadn't talked to in what felt like ages.

Randy hadn't bothered with coming to Orlando on his way down, he flew straight down to Miami, which I guess made sense, except he hadn't felt the need to tell me. I had to call him and ask what the plan was on Thursday evening, and he told me he'd already checked into his hotel room. Early the next morning I set out with my luggage in tow and made the drive down there, arriving well before noon. I'd actually had to have the lady at the front desk call up to Randy's room because he hadn't informed them that I'd be coming. It was slightly humiliating, but okay.

"Hey," I said with a smile when he opened the door. I leaned up to give him a kiss, which he didn't reciprocate. "That was too long of a drive, I should have flown in. I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Do you want to get something to eat?"

"I'm heading over to the arena," he said, gathering things into his gym bag, "I have some things to take care of."

"Great, I'll come with you," I said brightly, "Phil's there right now. Just let me change quickly."

I darted off towards the bathroom. I washed my face quickly and applied the makeup I hadn't bothered with this morning. I pulled a brush through my hair and made it presentable. But when I left the bathroom to grab an outfit I realized the room was quiet, too quiet.

"Randy?" I scoured the entire area only to find I was now alone in the room. I shook my head, "And it starts already." For a brief moment I wondered why I'd even bothered to come, but then I remembered there were so many other reasons for me being here, I got dressed in a pair of cute sequin shorts, a white button up and a big clutch and headed off to the arena which was a twenty minute drive from the hotel. I'd been directed into the superstar parking, but they had barriers set up so that fans could catch all the arriving talent. So many people were screaming for me, I went over and signed a few autographs and took some pictures.

"Did you leave TNA?" someone from the crowd shouted.

"No, no I'm still with TNA. I'm just here to support my husband," I said back while signing an autograph for a young girl who was with her mother. I gave one last smile and a wave before heading inside the arena feeling nervous for some reason, ignoring the rude comments some fans shouted after me. Worldwide popularity was not a perk of this job. If people didn't hate me because of the characters I'd played over the years, or their opinion on how I wrestled, or what they thought they knew of me as a person outside the business, then they hated me because I was married to Randy. It wasn't something I let bother me. It was just a part of this lifestyle, and it helped ensure thick skin, which wasn't entirely a bad thing.

I immediately ran into a group of divas, Eve, the Bella twins (who'd informed me they were going to be leaving the WWE once their contract expired in a couple weeks time to pursue other endeavours) and Beth, who I hadn't spoken to in so long, it was so nice being able to spend even a few minutes with her. And with promises that I'd have more time for them later, I continued on my way, finding who I was looking for a short while later.

Phil grinned when he caught sight of me, "Looking good James," he hugged me.

I'd texted him just before I'd arrived at the hotel asking where he was. He was the only person who could get me to the arena after Randy's little disappearing act in the room earlier.

"I hate to say it, but it's good to see your face," I gripped his chin and gave it a squeeze. He swatted my hand away.

"You didn't come with Orton?" he asked.

"Apparently he was in such a hurry to get here he didn't have the time to tell me he was leaving the room," I said, my tone dripping sarcasm.

"I'm sensing there's still trouble in paradise…"

"Wow, you've gotten increasingly more perceptive since the last time I seen you," I teased and then sighed, "He's all over the place. If he wanted to continue punishing me, fine. But sometimes we have these moments where everything feels great, only for him to turn around and act like such an abominable dick. You know, sort of like you, but not quite in your league."

"Want me to knock him on his ass?"

"Somehow I don't think that would help. It would probably just give him more reason to get jealous."

"Because we haven't been through that already, have we?"

I punched him, "It's not like I don't deserve it. I made my bed and I am definitely sleeping in it."

"That's no excuse, Mickie," he said matter-of-factly, "That absolutely does not justify him treating you this way. You fucked up. He needs to forgive you and move on, or not forgive you and still move on."

"Whoa… can you not speak about Randy leaving me even in theory? I'm trying to have a good weekend."

"I'm serious, Mickie, you can't keep putting up with it. You need to put your foot down."

"I have no leverage, Phil! This is my fault. There's nothing more I can do but wait it out and remain optimistic that he'll forgive me soon. I just hope in the meantime he doesn't run our marriage into the ground while he's making up his mind."

"Suit yourself. I think he's acting like a child."

"Imagine that, he must be spending too much time around you."

"Ha-ha," he responded sarcastically.

"Speaking of love lives, I just saw Beth and then Nicole told me you invited Amy to be your date for the Hall of Fame Ceremony."

"How do people know these things?!" he asks in exasperation.

"Things circulate around here. So explain. Last I checked, you and Beth were getting pretty hot and heavy and now you're dating Amy again?"

"You're always too busy with your own atrocious marriage to ask about me. Not that I mind because I'm not a chick who needs to go over the details of every failed relationship. But yes, Amy and I are seeing each other again. Beth wasn't who I thought she was and I'm over it."

"What do you mean? I love Beth!"

He rolled his eyes, "You haven't been around the last two years. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. You staying the whole weekend?"

I nodded, "Yeah I got some time off, not that they were too happy about it. But honestly they don't have much leverage over me. I'm not doing much over there right now anyway, so I figured I'd rather be here, spending a little time with my best buddy," I nudged him.

"AKA following your husband around like a lost puppy dog," I had just shoved him when an interruption came in the form of Maryse Ouellet who shrieked when she saw me and then came barrelling into my arms.

"I'll take that as my cue to get the hell out of here before you damage my other ear drum," Phil said.

"Yes, shoo, shoo," Maryse literally waved him away and then turned back to me, "I am so happy to see you! You didn't tell me you'd be coming!"

"I just decided last week and I wanted it to be a surprise. How are things? How is Mike?"

"He's good, we're both doing great. It was a hard adjustment there for awhile when I decided to retire, but honestly it was the best decision I've ever made. I finally had time to heal and catch up on all the sleep I'd missed over the years. When it's time to hang up the boots, you just know, right?"

I nodded and smiled, "I hear that tends to happen. So how's the House of Maryse thing going?"

"That remains to be seen," she beamed, "Starting out with jewelry and swimsuits and we'll see how it goes from there. I'm actually thinking of getting into real estate."

"Oh wow, you'd be great at that."

"I think you are absolutely right, but we'll see. Anyway, we're getting the girls together later tonight, you should come! That's not a suggestion, you're coming!"

"Has anyone ever said no to Maryse Ouellet and lived to hear the tale?" I teased.

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur of excitement and nostalgia. I didn't see much of Randy for the next couple of days until we attended the Hall of Fame Ceremony together on Saturday evening after his VIP signing. I was up early on Sunday to hit the gym and then I went for brunch with Phil and Amy, the latter of which it was great spending some time with because it had been a couple years since we'd seen one another. Phil seemed happy too, and that always made me happy.

Various people over those three days asked about Randy and I, and I had to say I'd become quite the expert at brushing the question off and steering the conversation in a different direction. That way I didn't have to outright lie, but I was also able to maintain some of my dignity.

I decided to stay backstage for the event instead of taking the seat I'd been offered ringside. I waited for Randy backstage after his match against Kane, which he'd lost. He didn't see me, so I rushed after him and slipped my hand into his. He glanced down at me briefly, but he didn't pull away.

"Hey, you did a good job out there."

"More lies, lucky me. The match was atrocious," he hissed quietly and pulled his hand from mine and left me standing there, not missing the fact that I wasn't invited to follow.

That night we attended the after party together. I was dressed in black skinny jeans, black platform pumps and a strapless sequin peplum top, and Randy in jeans and a t-shirt. He held my hand the entire way into the party and for the first little while as we exchanged conversation with others. He was the real life walking talking definition of hot and cold these days. But after the first hour he disappeared and I didn't see him until we were all getting ready to leave and head to a nearby club to continue the party with a bunch of our close friends. We all piled onto a bus. Randy took a seat with John, and I pretended like I didn't mind as I sat with Eve, Maryse sitting ahead of us with Mike.

I started drinking when I got there, but I only had enough that I was still able to think freely and logically. There was a lot of dancing with the other girls though, and after two hours in the heels I hadn't broken in properly after buying, I was done dancing for the evening. I found myself a stool at the bar and conversed with a steady stream of superstars and divas as the night wore on. I was talking with John and Cody while sipping from a cocktail the former superstar had purchased for me when I was completely startled when a pair of hands wrapped around my body from behind, causing me to spill half my drink onto the floor. Immediately I knew that it was Randy. I'd know his touch anywhere.

"Randy," I half-laughed, looking at John and then Cody who seemed amused, "Is everything okay?" I asked, setting my glass down on the bar counter.

"I can't give my wife a hug?" he squeezed me more tightly and then kissed me on the cheek, "I love you, Mickie, I know it hasn't seemed like it lately, but I do."

I laughed uneasily and nodded my head as both superstars decided now would be the appropriate time to make their exit. Finally I turned around to meet Randy's gaze, and I confirmed my suspicions visually – he was drunk.

"You're not going to say anything?" he faked pouted and then laughed. Wow, it'd been a long time since I'd seen happy drunk Randy. I could actually count on one hand the times I'd seen this side of him. When his temperament got involved while he was drinking, it usually swung to the angry side. I guess he, like me, wanted things to be okay with us, even if it wasn't actually real.

"I love you too, Randy, of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

He smiled goofily down at me, "Let's dance, do you want to dance?"

"No Randy," I pulled back as he tried to drag me towards the dance floor, "My feet are killing me. I chose the wrong shoes to wear tonight."

"Come on, Mickie," he asked and then he was pulling me towards the dance floor and for the next half hour we played the married couple everyone thought we were. There was a lot of dancing, kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I kept going back to the bar for drinks, and the more I drank the less guilty I felt about allowing myself to get lost in this evening. It wasn't real. This wasn't the Randy I was married to anymore, at least not right now, but I missed him, I missed us and I wanted that even if it was only for a few hours. It continued throughout the cab ride back to our hotel and well into our hotel room where we wasted no time in getting each other out of the clothes we'd chosen hours earlier.

Afterwards I fell asleep but woke again in the very early hours of the morning. I couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple hours. The alarm clock said it was five in the morning. I was still a little disoriented from the alcohol but it didn't take me long to pinpoint what had woken me up. Randy had been moving around, and when I looked over I saw he was pulling on some clothes and the action had jostled me awake.

"Randy?" I muttered groggily.

He continued getting himself dressed, not answering me, and I shuffled out of bed and wrapping the sheet around me I walked around the bed and knelt in front of him. He abandoned the task of pulling on socks but he didn't look at me.

"Randy," I whispered, "I need you not to shut down right now."

"This was a mistake. I drank too much and–"

"I'm not stupid enough to think this changes anything, I'm simply asking you to please talk to me. To stop shutting me out," I took a deep breath, "I can't take this anymore, Randy, this distance between us. We haven't been this way, these people, for a long time, I don't… I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what it is that you want me to do." I held the sheet up with one hand and reached out to grip one of his with my other, "This isn't us, Randy. I need you to forgive me," I pleaded.

"I can't, Mickie," he said so quietly for a second I hoped I'd only imagined it, "I can't just get past this. Because you know what else isn't us? Lying to each other. So no, Mickie, I can't forgive you. I don't know if I'll ever be able to." He shook his head and pulled his hand out of mine, "I'm going to sleep on the couch."

He left me kneeling on the floor with tears in my eyes and my worst fears confirmed. When I finally crawled back into bed I kept replaying over and over in my mind him telling me he loved me a few hours ago. Maybe he had been drunk, but I knew that he meant them, that he did still love me. And that was still a comfort to me even on the verge of losing everything I held most precious to me.

But that was the last time Randy expressed his love for me.