A/N: This is one of the earliest parodies I wrote. Unfortunately, I recently misplaced the draft, and had to re-write it from memory.
SPOOF TREK: FROGGER
"Day of Horror"
(Spoofing "Day of Honor," Season 4)
Summary: B'Zooka Tourguide faces her worst day ever, before realizing she doesn't have enough scoundrels in her life.
CARGO BAY:
[Telephone Line sits up from her regeneration desk, and walks to the doorway. Commander Chevrolet enters. Telephone wears her early-season, silver catsuit. From the zipper hangs a white tag with "Hershey Kiss" on it.]
Chevrolet: Telephone Line. You wanted to speak to me?
Telephone Line: Yes Commander. I wish to spend time with other people. Socially. Emotionally. Humanly. With somebody else. And not just myself.
Chevrolet: [Eyes her hopefully] Well uh, what did you have in mind?
Telephone Line: A duty assignment, to work with other shipmates.
Chevrolet: Oh. Uh, sure, I can set you up in Engineering I guess.
ENGINEERING:
Tim Parsnip: Hey B'Zooka! How's it…uh…going?
[Tim looks around, and sees smoke streaming from a few conduits, and crewman working frantically. B'Zooka looks disgruntled.]
B'Zooka Tourguide: I slept in today because the stupid computer somehow set my alarm clock at Vulcan time instead of standard starship time. Then I got my period, so I couldn't have any coffee, unless I wanted cramps. Then I get to Engineering and find two crewmen have been killed by malfunctioning conduits before the first commercial break even started! So now I'm short-handed, and I'm not in a good mood.
Tim Parsnip: So now's a bad time to ask about that Clingon holiday, the Day of Horror?
B'Zooka: The holiday where a Clingon must remember his duty to be horrible? No, I don't want to celebrate it. For one sentimental moment I thought it would make me feel better, but now, I think not.
Chevrolet: B'Zooka, Telephone Line's going to be working with you today. That's not a problem is it?
B'Zooka: [Clenched teeth] None whatsoever.
Tim Parsnip: Hey, you can bicker with her, and build up some fem-slash tension. Unless there's someone else you already have feelings for. [Bobs eyebrows suggestively, straightens uniform jacket.]
B'Zooka: Keep dreaming, flyboy.
[They all get to work. But as they do, romantic Disney music plays from nowhere, and Tourguide and Parsnip's thoughts echo throughout the scene…]
B'Zooka: There's something sweet, and kind of fun…but he was such a selfish jerk in Season 1! And now he's dear, in Season 4…I wonder why I didn't see it there before.
[A curtain opens up on a back wall, and The Doctor is seen, conducting a strings orchestra of crewmen.]
Tim: …She checked me out…I thought I saw…and when we talked she didn't eye-roll at my snarks! …though it can't be…I'll just ignore…but then, we've had sexual tension here before…
B'Zooka: Neeew, and a bit, alaaarmiiiing… ever since Pon Faar in Season Threeeee….True, that he's no Prince Charming…but there's something in him that I simply didn't seeeee….
[From the second story of Engineering, other characters watch Tim and B'Zooka]
Captain Myway: Well who'd have thought!
Chevrolet: Well who'd have known!
Fairly Dim: And who'd have guessed they'd come together on the show!
Myway: It's so peculiar,
Chevrolet: Wait and see, a few scenes more, there may be something there that wasn't there before.
The Doctor: [Still conducting] Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before.
Spam Wildthing: There may be something there that wasn't there befooore…
Naomi Wildthing: What's there mama?
Spam Wildthing: Never mind, Naomi. Off to the cupboard with ye.
Naomi Wildthing: The cupboard?
THE GET-READY-MULAN-FOR-A-MIRACLE! ROOM:
[The senior staff—minus Telephone Line—meets with an alien, who looks like a giant reptilian canary, and moves and talks like one.]
Captain Myway: Captain Ringo, I have a feeling you've got some big news to share with us.
Captain Ringo: Because of my sad-looking eyes? Or the fact that you found all 30 of our ships clustered in one area?
Captain Myway: The fact that you actually look, sounds and act like an alien, who our writers put effort into, instead of some schmuck they pulled off the streets and slapped a rubber wishbone on his forehead. So, what's the horrible news, and how can we save the day this week? [Sips coffee]
Captain Ringo: Our home world was destroyed by a race of human-robot people. Us few survivors gathered into battleships and fled, in a small armada. Our life is dark and gritty, and we're fleeing through the galaxy, in search of a new home, all the while pursued by these robotic—
Tim Parsnip: [Cough] B.S.G. [He-em] Rip-off.
Myway: And now you're struggling to get by. Well Star Freak is compassionate to the needy. Even though we work hard every day to maintain our nice ship, we still recognize that we are lucky compared to many, and that your poverty is due to events outside your own control. I'll give you as much food and supplies as my ship can spare. [Pauses, then slowly looks at the audience, with an expression like, "Yeah, that was directed at you."] …YYyyyyyyeeeeah.
Captain Ringo: How kind of you!
[The TV screen that all the characters are standing behind suddenly cracks, as a gold paper-weight is thrown at it.]
Off-screen voice: Godless tax-raising commies!
[Captain Ringo looks at the shattered screen, confused as hell. Myway waves it off though, and leads everyone out into the hall.]
HALLWAY:
Myway: …So we'll get each ship ten crates of Cakemix's food, along with some food replicators, but you'll have to conserve the energy. And as for medical supplies, I suppose The Doctor can spare one or two of his '90s scanners, and a few crates of orange soda,
[Telephone Line walks by with Ensign Spam Wildthing]
Ensign Spam Wildthing: …I'm not asking you to baby sit or anything, Cakemix can do that. But if you could provide something like an unlikely friendship, I think it would really brighten up the trip for Naomi, and give you some character development as well,
Telephone Line: Character development is irrelevant to our duties aboard this ship.
Spam: [Sigh] Maybe I'll ask again another season or two from now
Captain Ringo: My god, that woman is so hideous, I feel sorry for her! Those ugly, yellow hair follicles on her head, those bulbous lumps on her chest, those long, lanky legs, no scales, no beak! And what are those metal things all over her face and hands?
Tuvacca: She was a Bored drone. We have liberated her.
Captain Ringo: Bored? BORED! Where is my wife?! Where are my children?! Why won't you Bored leave us alone?!
Captain Myway: Tuvacca, honestly. Do you try to fail at your job? Maybe I should just give Cakemix you're job. At least he can hold a five minute conversation with aliens without turning them against us.
Tuvacca: Then you have misunderstood my duty, Captain. If you examine the Star Freak handbook, you will see that the Chief of Security's duty is not to secure the safety of the ship, but the safety of the series. I must ensure that conflict persists throughout each episode, or our show will be canceled, and we shall all cease to exist.
[A look of understanding comes across Myway's face. Captain Ringo follows Telephone, continuing his angry rant. Telephone walks on, unmoved, and enters the turbo-lift. Ringo tries to follow, but the doors close on his beak. Muffled insults can still be heard from him.]
Cakemix: Captain, let mesa talk to Mr. Ringo. My can explain that Phelly-Tone was a victim, like his wife and kids, and that she should give him hope!
Myway: [Stopping Cakemix] No, Cakemix. We need…conflict! [Moves to help pull Ringo out of the turbo lift.]
ENGINEERING:
B'Zooka Tourguide: Tell me Telephone Line. When you hear about species like the Canary People, do you feel anything like, I don't know, guilt?
Telephone Line: Guilt is irrelevant.
B'Zooka: That's abhorrent!
Telephone Line: [Working silently]
B'Zooka: Wanna fight about it?
Telephone Line: No. [Continues.] My work is complete.
B'Zooka: Good. Get lost.
[Telephone Leaves, and everyone sees B'Zooka's having a bad day. Young Vulcan Ensign Forklift approaches her, nevertheless.]
Forklift: Lt. Tourguide, allow me to declare Koon-Skin-Kap. Fear not, for I am not proposing marriage, as I did that one time. This is, in human terms, proposing, "Let's just be friends." With my Vulcan expertise, I can assist you in controlling your Clingon anger, so that you can better resist the urge to pick fights with recently-liberated Bored drones who clearly don't know any better—
[B'Zooka punches him, sending Forklift flying across the room. He lands in a clutter of wires and conduits, below Lt. Jim Carrey and Crewman Denny, who work on, not daring to react.]
HALLWAY:
Tim Parsnip: Hey, Telephone Line.
Telephone Line: Lt. Tim Parsnip, Flyboy helmsmen, of the Han Solo category. State your intentions.
Tim Parsnip: I want to let you know that I won't judge you for being Bored. We all have a past. I wouldn't want people to judge me for being a self-serving mercenary years ago, or having that horrible hairdo, or making salamander babies with Captain Myway. I think everyone deserves a second chance.
Telephone Line: I only understood about every fifth word of what you just said, Lieutenant. Nevertheless, I find your random act of compassions…impressive.
MESS HALL:
Cakemix: B'Zooooka! Yousa wantin' blood pie? [Extreme tail wagging] Mesa research the Day of Horror, and blood pie—
B'Zooka: Not this week, Cakemix. [Stirs her banana pancakes sadly]
Cakemix: Mesa see yousa down in the dumps. As moral officer, my must offer to cheer yousa up. From now on, my can be yousa punching bag! Any time you're mad, B'Zooka, yousa can slap me, punch me, call me names, kick me around like a soccer ball, whatever!
B'Zooka: Really? [Brightens up] Thanks Cakemix! [Kicks him around like a soccer ball, sure to keep him off the ground] You're a real pal! [Stops, then heads for the door] I feel really…Clingon! I think I'll try that ritual after all!
Cakemix: [Has landed upside-down, over a chair] Glad mesa could help.
HOLODECK:
[B'Zooka meets with a group of Clingons, in a cave.]
General Mindfok: As a Clingon, it is your duty to be many things, B'Zooka, daughter of Midol. You must be a badass fighter. Extra points if you lose an eye, like me.
Governor Bonbon: [Bug-eyes]You must have a larger-than life personality! As I did, on "Freak Space Nine!"
Commander Wart: And if serving aboard a Star Freak ship as a major character, you must be filled to the brim with angst.
B'Zooka: Well I've sure got that one down.
Random Clingon Woman: And if female, you must be viciously sexy, and wear armor that reveals your melons! Be submissive to your mate if he is a Clingon, but if he's a human or a Ferrari, you wear the pants in the relationship. Remember that.
B'Zooka: [Strokes chin thoughtfully] Iiiiinteresting….
General Mindfok: For the first ritual, you must prove your are capable of being horrible, by feasting upon the heart of a tribble.
B'Zooka: Can I have ranch dressing at least? [Timidly picks up the heart, and pops it in her mouth] Slimy, yet…satisfying.
Wart: Next, you must prove your strength, by running through a cornfield, while pursued by a hillbilly!
[B'Zooka finds herself running through a cornfield, while a human hick shoots at her with a futuristic rifle. She sprints through the corn stalks, dodging laser blasts athletically.]
B'Zooka: Piece of cake! Just don't ask me to partake in any lame prequels.
Bonbon: And now, you must endure the pain-sticks.
[The scene changes, and they're in the cave again]
B'Zooka: Pain sticks?
Clingon Woman: First, you must dress in the traditional pain-stick garment. [Offers B'Zooka a black leather gimp suit, with chains]
Mindfok: And listen to the traditional Clingon pain-stick music! [turns on a radio, which plays slow techno music]
B'Zooka: I'm done. [Sticks out her fist, and walks out, punching each Klingon in succession.]
B'ZOOKA'S QUARTERS:
[B'Zooka sits on her sofa, listening to sad Green Day music on her headphones. Tim Parsnip enters.]
Tim Parsnip: Hey, you left the holodeck running with some angry Clingons from other shows. Commander Wart was nursing a whale of a black eye. Like he ran into someone having a really bad day!
B'Zooka: Hmm.
Tim Parsnip: Come on, we designed that program together! Why didn't you like it?
B'Zooka: Because it was idiotic! Honor, badass, strength, personality, what does it matter? Bimbos in catsuits and miniskirts don't need any of that to get screentime.
Tim Parsnip: It matters because it's part of who you are! We finally voted off the fairy-princess from the show last week, and we don't need you to start sulking around like a sissy and taking over for her! We need our Clingon engineer, someone who's proud to be from Trek's most badass species! But if you're gonna keep up this stupid angst, you might as well toss on a dress and start mincing around the garden bay!
B'Zooka: Fine! Just leave me alone!
Tim Parsnip: Oh don't worry. If this is how you treat people who try to be your friend, you'll be alone. I'm gonna go re-watch some of Keish's old episodes, and then reminisce with the Captain about that magical little lizard affair. [Leaves angrily]
THE "READY…SET….LLAMA! HA, I GOT YA." ROOM:
Captain Myway: Now see here, Mr. Ringo. We've given you all the food and supplies we can spare.
Captain Ringo: Oh really. It seems to me that you still have plenty to give. Your hair follicles would make great pasta that could feed our entire armada for a week! And your uniforms could be burned for fuel.
Captain Myway: Ringo I can't believe I'm saying this but….get a job, ya bum!
[Another paperweight comes smashing into the TV screen]
Voice: You heartless, out-of-touch big-wigs!
Cakemix: Now see here Mr. Ringo. Captain Myway and her crew are the most generous people I've ever met. But they can't give up their hair or their uniforms. They have a TV show to maintain!
Tim Parsnip: Yeah! We have a TV show to—wait, we're on TV?
[Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim look out through the cracked TV screen with shock, and start jumping and waving excitedly]
Fairly Dim: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! I didn't die in space, I'm okay! I'm a star on a TV series now!
Tim Parsnip: Hey dad, thought I'd never do anything with my life? I'm the hotshot pilot of this series!
B'Zooka: Tim stop, you're embarrassing me! Oh, [Drops head into a double face-palm.]
LATER, ON THE BRIDGE:
Tuvacca: The canary people are hailing us, Captain.
Myway: On screen.
Captain Ringo: New terms, Captain Myway. Hand over all your supplies, plus the ugly Bored drone, or we will destroy you all!
Myway: [Sigh] Battle-stations, everyone.
[Everyone groans or sighs. As for moving to "battle stations," everyone stays put, except two crewmen against the back wall, who switch places. The battle begins.]
ENGINEERING:
[Smoke rising, alarms flaring]
B'Zooka: Great, another ship wide attack. Can this day possibly get any worse?
Lt. Jim Carrey: Aw man, did you hear the news B'Zooka? They've officially canceled "Firefly."
B'Zooka: Firefly? FIRFLY? THEY CANCELED—GOD DAMMIT!
[In a rage, B'Zooka kicks the warp core. The Warp Core shakes a moment, then falls right out of the ship.]
Computer: Warning: Warp Core has been ejected. Engineering will explode in approximately twelve seconds.
B'Zooka: Out! Everybody out! You too, Telephone Line!
Telephone Line: I can still be of assistance.
B'Zooka: How honorable of you. But this isn't your episode today. Come on! [Pulls Telephone out of Engineering.]
[Everyone sits in the hallway, as Engineering explodes.]
B'Zooka: Welcome to the worst day of my life.
Lt. Jim Carrey: Worst day of your life? Really? Not the day you got stranded in the Dipwad Quadrant? Not the day you got captured by Vidiot scientists and split into your human and Clingon halves? Not the time we got stranded on that desert planet by Salsa? Not the time Ensign Forklift was trying to get jiggy with y—
[B'Zooka, still staring ahead vacantly, punches Carrey without even looking. He falls, knocking over the crewmen next to him, and the rest of the Engineering staff goes down like dominoes.]
SHUTTLE CRAFT:
Tim Parsnip: Wow, so now you and me are out here, in this dangerous region of space, retrieving the Warp Core. Good thing we're not alone, and have all those extra crewman with us to help get the job done.
[B'Zooka sits silently. Then, slowly, the two of them turn around in their chairs. In the back of the shuttle, the crewmen they brought lye motionless, in a pile on the floor.]
Crewman Harold: [Cough] Crewman Wilson shared some of his yogurt with us as a snack, but it seems it was [gag] expired. [Dies.]
[B'Zooka rolls her eyes, as she and Tim turn back to the front window.]
Tim Parsnip: Oooookay. So we don't have any crewmen to test for booby-traps. But look at it this way, how much worse can it get?
B'Zooka: There it is! There's the warp core! But that alien ship has a tractor beam on it already. [Contacts alien ship] Excuse me, that's our warp core! We need it back!
Alien Voice: Hey man, we found this blue lava lamp first. Finders Keepers!
B'Zooka: Don't you realize how dangerous that thing is? The quantum-matrix is unstable! In twelve nanoseconds, the warpdrive conduit relays will overload, and cause a catastrophic technobabble system error in the interspace conundrum!
Alien:….Woa, dude. That was….deep. Say something else!
B'Zooka: [Pounds consol] You god-damned hippies!
Computer: Thank you for pressing self-destruct. This shuttle craft will self destruct in five minutes.
Tim Parsnip: Oh crap. Come on B'Zooka, grab a space suit, quick!
B'Zooka: What, no escape pods on this thing?
Tim Parsnip: Well there are, but they're jammed. See, I was giving them a new coat of paint this morning with Crewman Denny and Lt. Tito, but I guess someone accidently grabbed the bucket of super-glue instead of paint…
[Groaning, B'Zooka quickly throws on a space suit. Tim throws one on too. They hop into space just before the shuttle craft explodes.]
B'Zooka: OW! My chest feels crushed…what's wrong with this space suit? [Looks at Tim] Oh great, we grabbed the wrong suits! Now I understand why all the Storm Troopers' suits are unisex…
Tim Parsnip: [Bangs on his empty breast plates] T'he-he!
THE NOT-QUITE-READY ROOM:
Captain Myway: Telephone Line, did you have anything to do with the accident in Engineering that lost the warp core?
Telephone Line: In the Bored Collective, deception was impossible, as we were all far too bored to come up with something so devious and clever. I am alien to it. No, I would not, and could not, have caused the accident on purpose.
Myway: Ah. Well, that's good to know.
Telephone Line: It is peculiar. This crew is prone to unpredictable bouts of anger and sarcasm. Yet I also see surprising acts of compassion. Perhaps I'll try it myself sometime soon.
Myway: [wide-eyed.]You mean…someone else on this ship already introduced you to compassion, and stole my spotlight—I, I mean—helped me with the task of taking care of you? That was so…honorable.
FROGGER'S BRIDGE:
Telephone Line: The Canary People demand me in exchange for your safety. The correct course of action is to hand me over to them.
Myway: Telephone, you've learned to be so…honorable! But I won't give them a crew member. If only we could give them some technology that could repair their engines.
Telephone Line: Bored regeneration desks may be employed to regenerate replicator energy, repair busted bulkheads, and prevent earthquakes.
Chevrolet: Why the hell didn't you bring this up before?!
Telephone Line: You did not ask.
[Tuvacca and Myway hold Chevrolet back, as he tries to throttle her.]
Myway: But we didn't ask now either, yet you thought of it on your own. That's what counts! Right Chevrolet?
Chevrolet: [Clenched teeth] Yyyyyyyesh.
OUTER SPACE:
[Tim and B'Zooka continue to float]
Tim Parsnip: …I spy….something…round.
B'Zooka: [Sigh] that red planet over there.
Tim Parsnip: Nope!
B'Zooka: The Death Star.
[Indeed, the Evil Empire's weapon is seen off in the distance.]
Tim Parsnip: Ding-ding-ding! Your turn! ….oh okay, you're not in the mood. Hey, when we first met B'Zooka, you didn't have a high opinion of me, did you.
B'Zooka: I thought you were a stubborn, immature pig.
Tim Parsnip: Have I changed?
B'Zooka: Yeah. Now you're a stubborn immature pig with better hair. …There I go, pushing you away again.
Tim Parsnip: You didn't push me. I'm just drifting away because of the lack of gravity out here.
B'Zooka: I've been a coward Tim. It's the Day of Horror, and I'm going to die without a shred of honor, and for the first time that bothers me.
Tim Parsnip: Wow. Considering how many near-death experiences we've all had, that must be saying something.
B'Zooka: The truth is Tim, I love you because you're a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in my life.
Tim Parsnip: The Mosquitoes weren't scoundrel-enough?
B'Zooka: In my dating life.
Tim Parsnip: You have a dating life?
B'Zooka: Oh for god's sake…I LOVE YOU, FLYBOY!
[B'Zooka pounces at Tim, with Clingon glee in her eye. Tim is excited at first, but the moment is ruined when both their glass space helmets crack.]
Computer: Warning. Oxygen, depleting.
B'Zooka: We have computers in our space suits?
Tim Parsnip: Don't worry! I'll send a help message to Frogger!
FROGGER'S BRIDGE:
Captain Ringo: Thank you so much for these Bored regeneration desks! I'm sorry we were such bird-brains before.
Myway: [Nods.] Forgivable.
[A cluttering sound is heard from Dim's consol. Dim opens up a little plastic slot, and pulls out an empty soda bottle. He unscrews the cap and pulls out a sheet of paper.]
Ensign Fairly Dim: It's a distress call, Captain. Tim and B'Zooka are floating in space, and running low on oxygen! And they found the warp core, but a bunch of stoners are hogging it.
Myway: Crewman Tallahassee, take us to them!
Crewman Tallahassee: [Random crew-woman, at the helm] Yeee-haaa!
SPACE:
[Tim and B'Zooka are still floating in space, posed in a dancing position. Tim has turned his space suit's radio to play "Unchained Melody." It's actually very serene and romantic. Not far off, the alien pot-heads still watch their new "lava lamp" from their windows, swaying to the music. Frogger suddenly comes zipping through, knocking right into the alien ship, and send it spiraling away into space. Frogger sucks the wrap core back up into the ship with a loud "slurp," then beams up Tim and B'Zooka.]
END.