Title: Mistakes?
Author: iheartGibbs
Rating: FR-13
Spoilers: Dead Man Talking
Summary: Abby thinks about Chris Pacci's death.

I still can't believe he's gone. Anytime we lose one of our own here at NCIS, there is this horrible cloud of regret that descends upon us as a whole. It's primarily because we all feel responsible. It is our job to catch the bad guys, whether we use investigative skills or forensics, and when one of the bad guys gets one of us…it just feels like there is something we should have done.

I didn't even go to Pacci's memorial service. And he was family.

How can I possibly reconcile this to anyone who knows me? It seems so weird for me of all people to choose not to attend. I can blame the workload. I can say it's because he wasn't very close to me. But those are simply excuses.

My heart hurts for Gibbs. I know, more than anyone else, he holds himself responsible. Kate told me this morning about when Pacci asked Gibbs last week for help and he rudely cut him off. I know Gibbs must be dying inside. I'm afraid he blames me.

Why would he possibly blame you, Abby? I know that's what you're thinking. I'm the reason Gibbs was so curt to Chris last week. You see, Gibbs didn't really approve of what was starting to happen between me and Timothy McGee, but he really didn't have a leg to stand on to back me off, considering McGee works out of Norfolk and isn't precisely a co-worker.

Allow me to explain.

Gibbs and I have had a sort of flirtation thing going on for a long time, behind closed doors. But Gibbs has too much pride to admit one of his rules could be so fundamentally wrong. So we love in secret and refuse to acknowledge it publicly. In a way it's sad, but in truth, it adds to the excitement for me. I'll admit it. I kind of like the jolt it gives me when Gibbs makes comments in front of other people that means one thing to the group and something entirely different to me. Only he knows what makes my heart race.

A little more than a week ago, Gibbs confronted me in the lab. He knew about my date with McGee and got very territorial. At first, I was completely taken aback. I mean, Gibbs is the one who has refused to take whatever it is we have to an official or exclusive level. He still sees other people. I was really thrown for a loop with how much the McGee date had gotten to him. I've dated other people since we first hooked up and he didn't get this jealous.

Anyhow, he had me backed into a corner and was leaning toward me, posturing and all but growling, when all of a sudden the emotion of the moment changed from a passionate argument to an electric heat. I don't even know how to explain it. Before I knew it, he was kissing me. Invading me. Devouring me. Right there in the lab. Sure, it was after normal hours, but many of our agents keep odd work hours. Gibbs had definitely lost control, and I was loving every second of it.

Enter Chris Pacci.

So now you know why Gibbs didn't want to face Pacci, and why I'm almost certain he blames me. Gibbs can get busy with work and doesn't always share his time with others, but his abruptness with Pacci last week was about more than that. He was angry with himself for making the ultimate mistake and losing control, with Pacci for catching him in a weak moment, but mostly with me for being the catalyst that pushed him to the breaking point. I could be wrong; he may simply be blaming himself. But somehow it's easier for me to bear some of the load, at least in my own mind.

Gibbs and I have had a few moments together since and things aren't strained between us or anything, but we aren't as close as we were. I can tell he wants me as much as he ever has. That probably explains why I am milking my association with Timothy McGee for all I can get out of it, especially in front of Gibbs. Maybe it's a bit cruel of me, knowing what it does to him, but I'm hoping to inspire another mistake.

THE END