A/N: Sooooo, how long has it been? Two years I believe? Damn, thats a long wait smh. I have no excuse really, other than the fact that I kind of lost interest in this fic. I read it awhiles back and the only two words that came to mind after it was said and done is wow and really. Cause really, like really? This story is so damn mushy, ugh, lol. Its almost up there with my Leah/Rose fic but unlike this, I can endure that one. I really dont like this fic and I dont know why. I use to but now im just like, well, really? Its whateves though, since you guys seem to enjoy it.
It is pretty cool to see just how much my writing has changed within the years, cause boy did I sucked lol.
Im still not too sure where this will lead, but some of my readers have given me some ideas and insight, which in turn means, i'll probably have to go back and make changes and or add some things. A revise was planned anyways, so eh. Some of you will probably hate me or do hate me for keeping you waiting lol, cause it means that you'll more than likely have to reread the whole thing(cringe). For my own sanity, I hope thats not the case smh.
What else? Well, this was suppose to be way longer but I decided to break it up and to two seperate chapters. I'll have to add on to the next one so my next update wont be a fast one.
Like the other chapters, this one is not beta'd so please bare with me.
Shout to a special reader, Izzy lol. She gave me a few ideas and I may or may not run with em. I hope you enjoy this little gift I decided to bestow upon you, and I expect a review missy!
As do I expect many reviews from the rest of you! All that begging and hassling me, I better get something:P
Anywho, read, review, enjoy!
Slowly, days turn into weeks, and weeks go on and on until a month goes by; but still, theres no sign of Nessie.
I barely eat. I barely sleep. And with each passing day, I grow weaker, physically and mentally.
Physically, my body is just out of wack. On most days, the simplest things like walking and even shifting, I just find too unbearable; I dont even try to phase anymore. Then on other days, my body, my physical strength seems to rival that of a new born.
Its overwhelming really. Truly exhausting.
And mentally, im just a bomb waiting to explode. My thoughts are everywhere and yet nowhere at all. The slightest things seem to piss me off.
And its all because shes gone, because Nessie's not here with me.
We've been up and down Forks, across Washington and scouted its border far too many times to count and still, nothing.
Although really, I should say they've been scouting; I called it quits well over a few weeks ago.
I know the truth.
Nessie isnt here, in Forks, in Washington; the sooner they realize it and come to terms with it, the better.
And in knowing this, that she isnt here, I refuse to entertain the thought. Why keep searching for the answers, the truth, in a place that holds neither?
I dont have the strength for such trivial things, for hope, and my patients is running thin.
I know what needs to be done.
"We'll run the perimeter again," I hear Jacob murmur, voice laced in determination.
We occupy the living room in the Cullen Manor, as always, conjuring up new plans, way points, and false beliefs.
Unfocused, my gaze lands out the large window, where I listlessly stare at nothing. A comforting hand slips into my own; Rosalie's no doubt.
She, along with Bella, who has been suffering just as much as I have, has been doing their best to comfort me, despite their own heartache.
I ignore it, her hand, her comfort, like I always do and numbly stare out the window.
Theres a sigh;from me or from her, im not so sure, followed by an apology.
An Im sorry.
Thats all I've been hearing lately; apologies, words that are suppose to be comforting, yet all they do is make me hurt.
It makes the hurt of losing Nessie, of losing everything, that much more worse.
I dont want apologies; I just want my Nessie back.
Why cant they understand that? Why cant they understand what needs to be done? Why arent they trying hard enough!
Enraged, my body acts on its on accord; one minute im sitting stiffly on the couch and in the next, that same couch is being tossed about, as well as other things.
Ive never been so angry in my life.
"Leah," I hear Jacob bark somewhat haughtily; I pay it no mind. "Leah, calm down!"
Calm down?
My only response is to smash the table. I feel rather than see, Jacob bound up towards me in hopes of forcibly making me calm down.
To hell with his rank and to hell with him.
"Its okay, Jacob," Carlisle voice floats through my ears," Just let her go. Let her get it out of her system. She'll tire out soon.."
And no sooner than the words leave his mouth, I fall to my knees, completely tired from my own exertion.
It takes me a few minutes to catch my breath, to think, to do anything.
"Leah," my eyes snap towards Bella's and I grimace; the look of utter sadness, of dissapoint is just way too much for me to bare.
I Break down.
I let her down. I promised her, I promised myself that I would protect her only daughter, my imprint, and I failed.
I promised her that I'd find Nessie, that I'd bring her back and I lied.
Everything that I promised was a lie.
And then I hear it; she opens her mouth to say something, to apologize, but I cut her off.
"Dont you say it," I say between my sobs," dont you dare fucking say it."
Im so tired of apologies.
"Leah," Jacob begins with a scowl," We're trying our best, but-"
"-You're not. Trying. Hard enough!" With each word, my fist collides with the marble floor beneath me; it crumbles, under the heat of my fist, making the whole house shake, much to everyones surprise.
Blinking away my tears in confusion, I peer up at my family on to see them eying me strangely.
Surprise? Confusion? Curiousity? I dont know, and I honestly dont care.
"Leah, your eyes," Alice gasps," their changing colors.."
"I dont care," I bellow, shutting my eyes and heaving uncontrollably. "I just want Nessie!"
"And I get that, okay? I get it.."
"-No, Jacob. You dont," I shake my head, somewhat calming myself and opening my eye. Relief flashes across several faces and I assume im back to normal, as normal as can be expected I guess. " She's my imprint. My life Jacob, do you truly understand what that means? To lose that, to lose your will to fight? To.. to live?"
"Yes," he says solemnly, eying Bella, who's now by my side. My eyes soften, knowing full well just what he's gone through, trying to gain Bella's affection.
But its not the same. He doesnt fully, truly understand what it means to lose something. Shes still here; he still has Bella.
What do I have?
"Its not the same Jacob," I begin, voicing my thoughts," she's still here isnt she? Your Bella, shes still here.."
"Not for much longer, though, for either her or me if we dont do something." Is what I want to add, but I reframe.
"Im dying, Jacob. Everyday, every second, im literally dying. How long has it been since Edward smashed in my face, a month? And look," I gesture towards my still healing nose." I'm getting weaker, Jacob. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant do anything! Everyday, you guys keep searching, looking for answers that will never come. And everyday it just feel like...like my hearts being broken all over again..."
"Then we'll keep searching.."
"-Search where, Jake? Huh? You've been up and down Washington hundreds of times, and what have you come up with? Nothing..."
He's quiet now.
"You know why you dont find anything, why you have no answers? Because shes not here! Shes not in Forks, shes not in Washington. I cant feel her, I cant hear her..."
"We've been searching, tracking beyond Washington," Carlisle interrupts.
"Oh," I say with mock interest, "and hows thats working out for you?"
He too is now silent.
"You can search all you want, but we all know you wont find anything. Shes not in the U.S and the sooner you realize and understand that, the sooner something of more relevance can be done.."
"Leah, you're not the only one hurting," Rosalie interrupts with a slight scowl, eyes brimming with unshed tears. "It doesnt give you the right to just lash out..."
It hurts.
"Doesn't it," I question indignantly. "Doesn't it give me the right? I mean really, Rose. Shes yours just as much as mine. Doesn't it bother you? Doesn't it bother you that nothings really being done? That we still havent found her? Your Nessie, the daughter you never had-" As soon as the words are spat, my face whirls to the side from the force of a slap. A stinging feeling accompanies my initial shock.
It hurts like hell, but not as much as it could hurt. Not if she had been using all her might.
I welcome it of course. The sting, the pain, anything that'll foreshadow the longing, the numbness.
"That is enough, Leah,"Esme, my 'mother', the one person I hadnt expected to raise their hand to me, hisses, clearly disappointed by my actions. "I understand you're in pain, dear. As am I, and as are the rest of us. That does not give you the right to lash out. To be so cruel to Rosalie. Your sister. Your family.."
Gently she grasps my trembling face, a face covered in tears, and brings my gaze towards her own. I note not the anger or disappointment, but the love withheld in those honeysuckle eyes.
It makes me want to fall apart.
But I wont. Im tired of crying, crying gets you nowhere. And with that thought in mind, I take a deep breathe, lips trembling with both hurt and frustration, and puff out the air in my chest before forcing my head out her grasps; It comes out as a snort or an exasperated huff.
I ignore her hurtful gaze and begrudgely make my way upstairs, to the only place that seems to calm me.
Nessie's room.
Im left to my thoughts for approximately an hour before somebody makes their presence known. I dont need to turn my head to know who it is, the tainted scent of cinnamon and dealth assault my nose.
They dont say anything, just stand in the doorway, looking, gauging my reaction and sending a wave of calmness my way.
"Dont, Jasper," I murmur from the foot of the bed, eyes cast to the window, always to the window, as if she'll suddenly climb through it. "Just please dont.."
He doesnt say anything, just relents. That calmness gradually floats away, leaving an empty feeling.
"What would you do, Jasper," I begin, turning my head in the slightest manner and regarding him with a look of nothingness. "What would you do if was Alice? If it was your existance, your only reason for living?"
"I'd go to the ends of the earth and back. Even hell. And I wouldnt stop searching until I found her, until she was home.."
"So why cant they understand that? Why cant that see that more needs to be done!"
"They do understand that, and they are. We're trying everything we can, Leah. I know you're frustrated but what would you have us do?"
"What I've been saying all along. Search outside of Forks. Outside Washington, outside the country.."
"And then what? We still would have no leads whatsoever. We'd be searching with blind eyes.."
"Its better than staying here..."
Its silent for a moment.
"And what of Edward?"
"From my understanding, he's been leading his own search. Beyond the country as you would say.."
"And?"
"Nothing," he shrugs. "He's got nothing. No leads at all.."
I dont say anything.
Theres really nothing else to say.
"Leah," Jacob interrupts,"the elders have called for a meeting. Specifically with you..."
My first reaction is to scream at him, to tell him and the elders to fuck off. But as I sit here and truly mull over my options, I push my anger aside.
This could be my only chance to plead my case. To get their blessing to leave this place.
"Im going to ask for their permission to leave," I say, brushing past him in the doorway. I still when his hand grasp for my arm, noting his sense of dominance.
"They wont grant it. Leaving Forks is one thing, but leaving Washington is a whole nother story. Its forbidden. You and I know this..."
Its true, any and all thoughts of leaving Washington is indeed forbidden. Why? None of us, besides the Elders of course, dont really know. Its just one of the many unspoken laws we're suppose to abide by.
"I'll let them clarify that for themselves." Without another word, I force my arm out of his grasp and make my way downstairs.
As expected, all eyes are on me as I move through the house leisurely. I regard them all with the slightest flicker of my eyes, stopping at Rose who instantly seems to turn away; pursing my lips, im out the door without another thought.
*Y.A.T*
Huddle in the center of the Reservations expanse, sits two figures; that air of authority rippling with the stark flames they gaze into.
There use to be three there, sat at the fires edge, gazing, until I became this. Until I took away one of the most important people in my life.
My Papa.
Shaking away those thoughts, I chuckle to myself. I cant help but notice just how cliche' their roles are. Sitting by the fire, talking to the flames, whispering to their surroundings; if thats not your typical Native American playwright, then I dont know what is.
"You sent for me, Elders?" I say more to Taha Aki, the eldest, the one whose age rivals that of Carlisle. I nod my head in acknowledgment to Billy Black, Jacobs father.
"Yes," Taha Aki begins in a slow, accented drawl. "It seems the winds have shifted. They talk, constantly whisper words that worry me..."
I breathe deeply at this, having somewhat of an idea as to where this is going.
"Elders, I feel," I pause, unsure of which word would be best to truly describe my despair. "I feel hopeless. I feel like theres nothing more here for me. She's not..she's not here and I dont know how much longer I can endure this," another deep breath. "I ask that you let me search elsewhere. Beyond Forks. Beyond Washington-"
"-Still," is his intial response, hand held up to emphasize his word, his authority. "It saddens me that our little one is no longer with us. We've been doing our part to help track the situation," he coughs thunderously and then winces, a clear sign that his old age has not been so kind to his frail body. "And as much as I would love to grant you this simple request, I cannot. It is forbidden and no one, not even myself, is an exception to this law."
"But why," I plead. "Why is it so forbidden!"
"Because we are not meant beyond this land. This is where we begin and where we will end. It is our lineage, our duty to protect it at all times.."
Slowly I begin to feel my rage, my anger begin to rise.
"Protect it from what? Vampires? There is no longer any threat to be protected against!"
Well, thats not all true. There is still the Volturi, that the Cullens often speak of, but quite frankly, they only play a small part in the equation. In my eyes at least.
Ive often wondered if they were behind this, but surely Alice would of known or had some type of inkling of their decisions?
"She is my imprint," I insist. "Something I know you're very much familiar with as do many of my elders and brethren." He regards me quietly, with stone cold eyes and mouth formed into a thin line. "What will you have me do? Sit here and rot while shes out there suffering? And for what, some sick sense of loyalty to our 'land' that you expect me to abide by? If thats your only argument, then im not buying it-"
"-Enough," is his thunderous roar. The flames that were previously dancing languidly begin to fester into bright, lively, blue flames, until that suddenly disperse. "We will continue to survey the situation here, but you will. Not. Forsake us.."
"Forsake you," I question incredulously, ignoring the wolf, the fear being washed over me by his overwhelming authority. Jacob may be my alpha, but even his word, his authority is outweighed by Taha Aki. "It would not be me forsaking you. Cause clearly it is you that has already forsaken me.." The words reverberate off my tongue with purpose, then suddenly that confidence I had vanishes; im being forced to my hands and knees by an unseen force. Using all the strength I can muster up, I turn my head upward in order to meet his gaze head on.
My inner wolf is howling, whining, clearly dealing with too many emotions at once. Anger was the most obvious, but now, that overwhelming fear is foreshadowing everything else.
"I am the law," he emphasizes this fact by tightening that invisible grip around me, making it so much harder to breathe. "I have spoken and you will obey.."
It feels like im drowning, like my lungs are being feel with liquid; im literally on the floor panting for air.
"Im..im sorry," I weeze out, eyes tightening as the pain continues to shoot through me. Im not sorry of course, I meant every word, and that was me being honest; but I just want the pain to stop. "P-please..."
Gradually the feeling of me being weighed down lessens, until with what I assume is a sad sigh from my Elder, it subsides completely.
It takes me a while to gather my barings, panting and sweating heavily.
"Come here, my little one," he murmurs softly and I instinctively flinch, hestitant to move at all. "I will not hurt, I assure you..."
Taking another deep breath, I take slow, hestitant steps until im standing right infront of him. On instinct I bend so that im kneeling and fearfully meet his gaze. Shocked by what I see, tears, I blink a few times in confusion.
"It truly saddens me to see you suffer so," he begins, soothing my features with his aging hands; their warm and so very frail. "And I am so very sorry for your loss, but I simply cannot grant you this request. Not because I dont want to, but because it just cannot be done without withhodling the consequences..."
Consequences? Thats what he's worried about? Damn the consequences!
"If you leave, you will ultimately be leaving everything behind. Your wolf included. Once you step outside Washingtons border, there is no coming back. That is the way it is written. The wolf chose you, chose this land and once you forsake that, neither will recognize you. You will lose your wolf and you will no longer be welcomed here..."
I wont be..welcomed? If I leave, I leave everyone?
The thought invokes pain thats similar to pain I just endured.
Could I truly forsake them all?
"This is the way it is. We can only hope that the Cullens will continue onward where we cannot. She will be found, little one. But we must be patient..."
I feel defeated, more than defeated. I feel weak. As much as I want to believe his last proclamation, something within me, in the back of my head is telling me otherwise. Its telling me that im the only one that can truly succeed and finding her. That once I step outside these confines, I'll know where to go, I'll know where she'll be.
Then again, it could just be me going mad.
Either way there no more room for thought. I know what I must do, consequences be damned; there is no otherway around it.
"I...understand," I begin with false obedience. "I will let the Cullens handle it. Do forgive me.." I bow my head, mentally confirming my already drawn out plot.
There is no other way.
"There is nothing to forgive," a series of coughs reek havoc against his feeble body and deciding its best that he gets some rest, I take my leave.
I know what I must do and no more time will be wasted. Im leaving, tonight.