Skating that boundary between T and M here folks, if you're hesitant about it PM me and i can make up a different version for you. I don't think it's gratuitous, though...?

Erosion
Chapter 20- Fears

The kiss escalated far too quickly from a heartfelt caress to smouldering passion. He traced the edge of her lip with his tongue, and she opened to him instantly. She clutched at his shirt, pulling him in, and then he was kissing her deeply. With hands and mouths exploring they became tingling warmth and wetness and hot breath and aching need.

Rick paused, panting against her, only long enough to catch his breath. He tilted his head and caressed her with a soft brush of cheek on cheek. She was instantly pressing up into him, and it was her turn to uncover his secrets, force him to open to her, her tongue skimming across his teeth, lips feather-light, and then demanding once more; gentle and fierce.

His hand settled over the curve of her side, his thumb constantly moving, circling, and teasing at the sensitive skin below her breast. She rolled into him slightly, just enough to feel the hint of pressure along their lengths.

He sucked on her bottom lip, drew it into his mouth and dragged his teeth across the soft pink flesh. Amidst it all they found their rhythm; their ebb and flow, give and take, battle and surrender, and they took turns exploring one another.

He never doubted they'd be good together, but he marvelled at her responsiveness to him and the perfect synchronicity of their matching desire.

He circled higher with his thumb, knowing how close he was skimming the curve of her breast. She arched into him, encouraging, wanting his hands on her as much as he did. He knew they were close to crossing a line they'd have trouble returning from and he slowed his kisses, not stopping, just hoping to bring them both under control.

Kate recognised his actions and resisted. She rolled in closer, pressing her chest into him, her arms curling around his head and shoulders. His hand slid to find the softness of her breast. A moan rumbled from her throat and Rick's hand moved without any instruction from him; his palm stroked over her, one smooth movement, and then he came back for more, cupping and squeezing gently, his thumb rubbing sideways across her nipple until she was breathless and moaning, her mouth frantic against his.

The taste of her, the warmth and softness of her mouth, the tiny moans and breathy sighs she made led him almost to distraction. The urge to press his hips into her was almost overwhelming. He throbbed with arousal and the brush of her legs against him was driving him dangerously close to ignoring all common sense.

With more willpower than he thought he possessed he forced himself back, breaking their kiss noisily, and she growled at him in protest.

He would have chuckled at her frustrated pout if he wasn't feeling every bit of her agony himself.

"My god, you're incredible," his voice was rough and raw.

"It's not me," she replied, equally unsteady. "I think you could make me come just from your kisses alone."

His cock twitched at her words and he fell across her chest, utterly defeated, "Kate," he growled out, "Not fair, so incredibly not fair."

"You said I should be honest about how I feel, and I feel like I'm on fire." Her voice was sultry in his ear, it was as though she were testing him; tempting him to break his resolve and his commitment to guide them through the minefield they'd created of their relationship.

"And you should; I mean it, Kate, don't ever stop telling me."

With a sigh that was almost a moan, Kate relaxed, felt the tightly clenched muscles along her body start to loosen. She embraced him, holding him against her, and gave them both time to lay together and adjust to the intimacy; gave their bodies a chance to find a new balance.

"I'm sick of all the barriers between us, Castle," she said after a long quiet minute, and she tugged at his shirt, even though she meant far more than just his shirt.

"The barrier is so thin as to hardly be there, Kate. You were afraid of this for so long, give us a chance to feel what it's like to be without the fear," he asked of her.

"I don't feel so afraid of this anymore," she admitted.

He rolled to lie beside her, and her arms fell away from his back. He pushed up onto his elbow again, leaning over her, and met her gaze, "Then talk to me. Tell me what you aren't afraid of anymore?"

Kate puzzled over his question for a moment. There had always been a cloud of panic surrounding her when she had imagined allowing them this chance. She wanted forever-after and she couldn't afford to get it wrong. She tried to find and catalogue the many indistinct fears, and she almost smiled when she realised one of the doubts he'd already laid to rest.

She had been afraid that if she let go of the fierce rein of control she'd kept on herself there would be nothing to stop them from charging head-first and unrestrained into chaos. She had wanted them to leap together, but with eyes wide open. "I'd been afraid that I needed to be the one with the plan. I thought if I didn't know how the story ended, and where we were going, that we'd just jump blindly without checking to see if there was something there to catch us."

"And you're not afraid of that anymore?" He allowed his free hand to skim over the soft skin below her ear, his fingers carding through her hair.

She smiled at him, knowingly, "You've already caught us."

"Then what else aren't you afraid of anymore?"

"I thought we'd lose ourselves in each other."

Castle leaned back from her to read her expression and waited for her to continue.

"I had let my mom shape my life for so long, and I was afraid that if I went from that, into this, that I wouldn't know who I was as me."

"And you're not afraid of that anymore?"

He seemed more uncertain this time, and she ran her hand over his shoulder, using more than just words to reassure him, "No, I'm not. I needed help to get there, but I'm stronger now." It wasn't all that long ago that she had felt like she was crumbling apart from the inside, shattering into pieces, but that had been just another turning point. "And I know that I don't always have to be strong."

"You're not afraid to ask for help, or to ask for what you need."

"I'm getting there."

"What else aren't you afraid of anymore?"

"I'm not afraid of being..." she searched for the words, and when she floundered and started to look away he guided her back to him. His belief in her was apparent in the strength of his gaze and she used it to bolster herself. She took a breath and raised her hands to his chest, "I'm not afraid of not being enough, of not having enough to offer you."

"You don't need to offer me anything, Kate."

"Oh, but I do," the corners of her mouth twitched up, "And I think I can now that I've found myself again."

"You've found who you are?"

"And who I want to be; who I can be without the shadows."

"Shadows?"

"I'm not afraid of the shadows." She propped herself up so they were on the same level, knowing it was important to say this without him leaning over her. She'd never intended to reveal her nightmares and she needed him looking at her, not down upon her, even if she did feel safe with his body spread above her.

"I'm not afraid of that faceless dragon. I used to have nightmares, and I would wake, drenched in sweat and shaking; even awake I'd have a hard time shaking off the dread. It was like I could feel fingers clawing at me and there were always figures in the shadows and I could never save you." She brought her hand up to press flat against his chest. His physical presence both soothed and motivated her.

"Every time, I did something wrong and I lost you, or they took you, or Alexis, or you were left to watch me die," She left the warmth of his chest to smooth the lines of anguish from his brow, "I couldn't accept that I had dragged you into this life, and that, if it wasn't for me, you would be safe."

Rick reached for her hand, bought it back to his chest, and tangled his fingers in hers to hold her against him, "I don't even want to think about where I would be, or the kind of man I would be, if it wasn't for you. You've given me so much, Kate."

"But I've also taken so much from you."

"It's been given willingly." He lifted her fingers to his mouth and brushed a kiss over the back of her knuckles, refusing to look away, "But you're not afraid of those shadows anymore?"

"The shadows are still there, but I'm not alone in the darkness anymore. In the dreams there's fear and there's loss and there's anger; but it's not just me fighting it – we're doing it together, facing it together. So the nightmares come less often, and they don't have the same kind of power over me."

"And you're okay with that? With doing it together?"

"I used to be afraid of that too, but we work better together."

"I've always thought so," he smiled, and brushed his lips across her knuckles once more. "That slow erosion you mentioned, the crumbling of the wall when you weren't paying attention... maybe you were too close to it to see, maybe you needed to step back and let someone else work on taking it down."

She got the sense he was talking about more than just the emotional impasse she'd created for herself. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying perhaps you don't need to shoulder the responsibility alone, maybe it's okay to let someone else do some heavy lifting, let someone else lead, for just a little while."

"I'm not doing it alone; and it's not just someone else – it's you, Castle. You're doing a pretty good job at leading so far."

The silence hung around them, neither comforting nor unsettling, just the weight of words settling.

"Kate, what are you still afraid of?"

She took a deep breath in through her nose and looked away. She tried to sort through the echoes of previous fears to find what still weighted her down, what kept her from the declarations and promises she still hoped to be able to make. One day.

"I'm afraid we'll ruin what we already have."

"What do we already have?"

She looked at him, confused, "We have this," she gestured between them.

"We didn't have this yesterday. What were we – before?"

"Everything. You're my best friend, Castle. My partner. The work we do together..." she tried to find a way to explain her apprehension, "I like having you at my side. Your mind," she groaned into his shoulder, "At the risk of inflating your ego even further, you're brilliant, and I love watching your mind work. We catch the bad guys, Castle, you and me; and I've never had this with anyone else, I wouldn't want it with anyone else. I know it's not all we are, but it's become important to me. I don't want to lose my partner because we were too greedy and we wanted too much."

"And you're afraid that if we try for more, we'll ruin what we already have?"

"Aren't you?"

"Hmmm, not in the same way; I'm not going to pretend I'm not scared, but I'm afraid of doing something to risk this; the chance for this between us. Me being at the precinct?" he shook his head,
"I never imagined I'd be able to cram myself into your world for so long. Seriously, I can't believe I haven't been kicked out long before now. But I will be your partner for as long as you let me. You won't lose that."

"You don't think things will change between us?"

"I hope they do."

"At work, I mean, do you think we can do this at home, and just be Beckett and Castle at work?"

His fingers played at the ends of her hair, "Crime-fighting duo?"

"Yeah, crime-fighting duo."

"You want to give it a go?"

"I do."

"Then let's see if we can lay this one fear to rest. Let's go in tomorrow and work on solving this case, and then come home and have dinner and do this some more," he lay back down on the cushions and brought her with him until she settled over his chest. Then he kissed her again, slow and serious.

"Can we do this somewhere more private, tomorrow?" Kate asked, her lips brushing against his mouth as she spoke.

"Is my living room not private enough for you?"

"Not even close," she growled, and kissed him again.

###

They lay together, side by side, fingers tangling, and words fewer and far between. The music had been turned down low, the lights were out, and with their eyes closed a new kind of peacefulness settled over them.

"Are we going to stay out here all night?" Kate whispered into the darkness.

"I'm too comfy to want to move."

"I need to get some sleep. If tomorrow is supposed to be an evaluation of our new partnership I feel like I should do it on more than four hours sleep."

"You can't sleep here?"

"I can't sleep anywhere with you this close at the moment, Castle; and if you're determined to prevent me from getting naked with you I think the safest place for me is upstairs."

He was silent beside her for too long. She forced her tired eyes open and rolled to face him.

"That wasn't meant to be an ultimatum. I would gladly lay here with you until the sun came up if we could laze around together tomorrow; but we can't. We've still got three murders to solve."

"And you can't sleep with me here?"

"I don't know how you can. You've had my body tingling for hours. I am far too wound up to be able to relax with you this close."

"Years of practice."

"I don't want any more practice."

"But you're okay with this?"

"Very okay."

"Then let's go to bed, separately, and then wake up and start in on doing the rest of it together."

###

Castle stood beside his bed, his huge empty bed, and shook his head at himself. He didn't think sleep was likely regardless of where Kate was tonight. At least in his arms he'd have some chance at reassuring himself that she was not going to slip away, disappear with his return to consciousness. As he slid under the sheets he replayed their conversation and gathered in tight every nuance that went unspoken.

He knew it had taken courage for her to entrust their journey to him. She didn't relinquish control easily. She spoke of shadows and fingers clawing at them in the dark and he thought of controlling phonecalls and clandestine meetings; the spectre of the secrets he kept in order to keep those shadowy figures from touching her.

His mind returned to the lifeless murderboard in his study, and he wished for the countless time that he could turn it off for good, erase its memory, and create a scrapbook of happy images instead.

They'd been talking about something else entirely, but he hoped that she would understand his reasons for chipping away at this particular wall on her behalf. And he wished desperately for a way to tell her without shattering her trust and ending their chance at more before it even began.

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A/N- Ergh! I had no intention of stepping into the hornet's nest that is "The Secret" when i started this fic. But apparently here i go anyway.

Wish us all luck...