Disclaimer: Bolded dialogue is from Psycho/Therapist. Any other recognizable dialogue is from SVU and belongs to the Powers That Be who are not me. Writing in brackets is Liv/Lewis interactions. Lyrics at the beginning from 'Winter Song' sung by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Micaelson. Quote at the end by Julian of Norwich. Quotes also from the Bible and Nietszche.

Author's note: A lot of this is rehashing Psycho/Therapist but it needed to be done. It was a bear of a chapter to write and any mistakes in it are clearly mine.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here. ~ William Shakespeare, The Tempest

This is my winter song to you

The storm is coming soon

It rolls in from the sea.

The coffee has burned her mouth but Benson doesn't even feel it. She isn't feeling much this morning. The sky is a slate gray as it has been for the last couple months.

The wind is bitterly cold but she can barely feel it whipping against her face. Small flakes of snow swirl down from the sky and land on her cheek, but she's barely aware of them. The only thing she can really feel is the cut near her wrist. It's raw and deep and it hurts.

She knows she needs to get in there but she finds it hard to move her feet forward.

"You survived his assault, you can survive his interrogation…"

She's frozen in place. For a moment, fear is all that rules her.

"Liv, Liv." Barba looks at her, concern in his eyes…and something else. But that something else is there so quickly that she doesn't see it. And he's rather relieved because that's something he doesn't want to deal with right now, can't deal with right now.

How you can care so much for somebody and yet be so angry with them…well, that's something that still throws him off stride, even though he's grown up with that his whole life.

Benson turns and looks at him and her gaze is blank, as if she's in a totally different place, a totally different time. God only knows what she's seeing. What he sees in her eyes is unnerving.

She's told him so much about what happened to her but he knows there's more. Much more.

The shadows behind her eyes break his heart but he keeps his poker face. More than ever, he needs to keep focus.

She looks at him apologetically. "Sorry, I'm ready. Let's do this."

It's show time.

"Good morning, Detective Benson, and how are we today?" Lewis is smartly dressed in a nice suit. Benson has no idea where he's gotten it.

Can't buy himself running shoes but can get a nice suit. Probably from one of his many fans, she thinks bitterly, ones that are stupid enough to fall for his I'm so victimized shit.

"I'm sure this trial must be fairly trying for you." Ah, here come the taunts.

So it begins.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Staring him down, she doesn't make a response. Out past Lewis she sees Barba, eyes narrowed, frowning at Lewis, mouth opening as if in protest. Thankfully, the judge intervenes before Barba can.

"Move it along, Mr. Lewis."

"Ah, no time for pleasantries, I see. Well, then, shall we talk about what happened between us? Or, rather, what you told the jury happened in those four days."

"I told the jury what happened." You piece of shit.

"Ah, yes, I can see how you would like them to believe that." He smiles softly at Benson. "The truth is embarrassing, isn't it?"

Ah yes, the truth. Those waters are so murky, aren't they?

{Ah, detective, you don't want them to know what really happened there... all of it. What would you do if I told them the truth...about what I really did to you?}

"That, you, an experienced but lonely detective, consumed by her work, got obsessed with a man you believed to be a rapist. It's not a very pretty picture is it, Detective Benson?"

"That's a lie." She's already sick and it isn't ten minutes in to his examination.

Barba's playing with his pencil, jotting notes, and she wonders what's going through his head. What will go through his head once this all is over.

"You think so?" Lewis tilts his head to one side, chuckling a little. "Let's examine this a little closer. Detective, can you tell me, are you single? Married?"

Barba's frowning. "Objection. I fail to see the relevance of this."

"It speaks to her issues with intimacy and sexuality, your Honor."

{"Oh, come on, baby, let's have some fun. I'll make it really nice for you." Hands sliding over her skin, the charred pads of his finger tips making her skin scrawl. Crying against the duct tape over her mouth, bucking against his body. Must get away, must get away...but she's so tired…why can't she move…}

"Tread carefully, Mr. Lewis, may I remind you she's your witness."

Ain't we got fun?

Kofax looks at Benson steadily. "You may answer that question."

"I am not married. I do not have children." She bites off, saying no more than what was required. If she's got to answer these ridiculous questions, she's not going to make it easy. She'll be damned if she just rolls over and lets him have his way with her here, like he...

Don't go down that road. Must forget, must forget, must forget.

"What about a family? When we were together, you said you didn't want to talk about your family. Why was that?"

"Because it is none of your business."

Stay calm, deep breaths, this is what he wants. Don't react. Don't engage.

Lewis smiles a little, circles the witness stand, like a predator toying with his next meal.

"Oh, I think it is. I think there are some unresolved issues there."

"Objection." Barba's voice is as hard as steel. "Speculative."

"Sustained. Jury will disregard that last comment."

"Your Honor, if we want to understand Miss Benson's four day binge..."

It's detective, you fucker. But, then again, you knew that.

"...we must understand what drove her to it. What psychological demon she's been fighting her entire life."

There's an undercurrent of glee in his tone, a light in his eyes as he continues to poke and prod at her.

Out of the corner of her eye, Benson spots the forewoman nodding thoughtfully, eyes fixed on Lewis, occasionally looking over at Benson speculatively, skeptically.

Barba stands up again, "Your Honor, please, ask the defendant to limit the scope of his questioning." And stop the goddamned theatrics.

Thank you, Rafael. Thank you.

Liv's eyes are grateful. He sees it and he nods slightly. Hang in there, Olivia. You're doing great. I'm in your corner. Remember that.

Kofax looks at Lewis sternly. "I'm going to ask you to confine your questions to the detective's professional experience only. Tread carefully, Mr. Lewis. Don't make me have to tell you this again. Understood?"

"Understood, Your Honor, I was just getting to that part. Also, due to this witness's increasing aggression and hostility, I'd like the court's permission to treat her as hostile."

Hostile, my ass. I'll show you hostile.

With a goddamned bedpost.

Liv bites her lip so hard that she can taste blood in her mouth. The humiliation, the degradation of those four days weren't enough for him. No, he wanted to shame her in public. And how, despite knowing that was what was going to happen, just how do you prepare yourself to be violated in public?

{He whispers into her ear, telling her this is going to be fun...oh, yes, struggle some more, he likes his women feisty. Hands undoing the buckle of her pants. The clinking sound almost sounds like an explosion in the stillness of the muggy air. There's no noise at all from outside, not even the crickets. As if they know. They'll all know soon enough. She wants to fight harder but she can't find the energy.

And he's pulling her to the bathroom.}

"Objection!" Barba's on his feet again. He knows where this is going.

"What? Again?" Lewis looks incredulous. "What did I do this time? I'm simply exercising my right to defend myself."

"Confine your questions to the witness, Mr. Lewis."

"I apologize, your Honor." He's not sorry at all.

That miserable son of a bitch.

Liv shifts a little in her seat, the witness stand is beginning to feel like a cage. She can't get out, can't get out. And she feels sweat trickle down her back.

She's trapped and she can't get away.

And she's back at the beach house again. Back in that bathroom. Back where the nightmares live.

{Lay down and take your medicine like an adult, detective.

He places his fingers down her pants and she can't stop him, can't stop him. Don't touch me. Don't you fucking touch me. And she's out of her body, watching him fondle and caress her skin, getting ever closer to his target. It's all so foggy and she can't push him off.

Oh, come on, he says, where's your fight? You're not so tough. You're a real fucking disappointment, you know that?}

"I'm so sorry, I'm still learning. I didn't go to Harvard like Mr. Barba." Lewis says snidely.

Barba's done with his shit. "Oh, come on." He snaps. "Your Honor…"

How much longer are you going to let him do this?

"Jury will disregard that statement." Benson always found that a little absurd. Once something's been said, it can never be taken back. Oh, you could pretend to disregard it but you never really do.

"Withdrawn." Lewis says slyly. "I apologize. I certainly didn't mean to offend Mr. Barba."

Barba's eyes narrow in anger, recognizing the barb for what it was. Taking a few deep breaths, he sits back down.

Do not give him what he wants. He gets off on it.

"Miss Benson," Lewis turns back to Olivia. "How long have you been a detective with the Manhattan SVU?"

"Fifteen years." She says curtly.

"And, in that time, you've interviewed, talked to hundreds of rape victims and rapists, is that correct?"

"Sounds about right."

"Do you work long hours? Take your work home with you?"

"That's the nature of the job." She replies, frowning.

Lewis taps his chin thoughtfully. "So, you're single, no children, your life is your work, basically. Would you say that your worldview has narrowed to just victims and rapists?"

"I wouldn't say that, no." Benson frowns, not exactly sure where he's going with this. Get to the point.

"Well, that's not exactly true now, is it? You were quite concerned after I was released. One might even say you were distraught."

"We were all upset. The entire squad."

"But you," Lewis looks at her consideringly, "you were the only one the Captain told to go home. Isn't that right, Detective?"

"Yes." She bites off quietly.

"Could you speak up, please? I can't hear you."

"Yes!" Liv shouts out.

There. Can you hear that? Do you want me to yell even louder?

{Oh, yes, scream for me. That's right. Go ahead. No one can hear you scream. No one's coming for you. They don't know where you are. They won't find your body for weeks. This has been fun now, hasn't it? But we're not done yet. Oh no. Fun's just starting.}

Lewis smiles, as if he's just made his point. "Let me see, now." He starts ticking off the points on one hand. "Long term immersion in a world of sexual assaults, social isolation, and a public loss of face all proceeded our four days together."

He smiles.

The world is shrinking down to just her and Lewis. She can't even see Barba now, over the memories surrounding both of them. This is a battle only the two of them can fight, while the world looks on.

{You're thinking about me, aren't you? How I felt when I was in you. When I was slamming your body against the floor. You'll never stop thinking about it. I was the best you ever had.}

"Oh, is that what you're calling it?" She bites back. "You broke into my apartment. You held a gun to my head."

"Ah...but here's the funny part… no one could find any signs of this alleged forced entry now, could they? Not even your squad. None of them. Because there was none. You wanted me there."

"Objection." Barba's voice sounds faint, as if it's coming from a great distance. "Speculation."

"I'll allow." Kofax overrules Barba's objection. "The witness will answer."

{You wanted me, you know you did, you fucking bitch.}

"I don't know how you got in." Benson says coldly. "But you did."

"I have a thought." Lewis says mockingly. "I teleported myself. Or maybe, just maybe,you let me in."

{Because that's what you wanted.}

"Okay," he says thoughtfully, walking around the stand, "when I supposedly 'broke in', were you armed?"

"Yes."

"Then why," he looks at the jury in feigned amazement, "didn't you just pull your gun on me?"

"I froze." Benson states simply.

Keep it short, Barba's counseled her. Don't let him pull you into revealing more than what is absolutely necessary. Just answer the questions. No more. No less.

"You expect me and a jury to believe that you, a trained NYPD detective, simply froze? How gullible do you think we are, Detective?"

"Objection. Argumentative." Barba bites off the words.

"I'll rephrase." Because opposing counsel is so fucking sensitive was the unspoken ending to that sentence.

"How do you expect us to believe that a fifteen year NYPD cop 'froze?'"

"That is what happened."

"According to you. But we all know the truth, don't we, detective? You've never frozen with hundreds of other supposed rapists, have you? Why did you react differently to me, do you think? I think it's because you did not want to fight me."

{I'm going to keep pushing you until you break. Aren't we going to have fun?}

"No, that is not correct." She said angrily, her façade starting to crack. And that makes her even angrier. That he can get to her so easily.

"He beat you, drugged you, forced alcohol down your throat…"

{It seems to last forever. Between the alcohol and the pills, Liv has no energy to fight. So she lays back, looks up at the cool whiteness of the ceiling. Through the window, rays of sunlight are streaming, covering her with a little bit of warmth to break up the chill of bathroom tile against her back. He's between her and in her and she's not going to fight because that's what he wants.

He slaps her face and she just looks at him. You fucking think you've won, you prick. You'll never win. And it continues. She loses count after awhile and her lack of resistance pisses Lewis off because he keeps getting soft.

"Having trouble performing, Lewis?" She spits from behind the duct tape. "Always knew you couldn't get it up for a real woman."

This gets to him. For a moment, he loses the mask of complete control and, for the first time, she sees the beast underneath the facade.

And real fear runs through her body. He's a fucking demon from hell.

His face quickly resumes its usual smirking calm.

"You shouldn't have said that."

….…...

Finally, he gets up, looks down at her, bleeding and motionless on the floor. "You're a sad disappointment, Detective Benson. I was expecting more of a fight than that. I've had better from the whores down near Murray Hill." Shaking his head, he pulls her up and yanks her pants up. "But isn't it lucky for you that we're not fucking done here."}

"What about your partner? He testified that the first time you interrogated me you were flirting with me. If you weren't obsessed with me, why would you do that?"

"I was playing a role."

"Were you? The first night we were together, you said I tied you up, that I was forcing alcohol down your throat, and you didn't resist? Was that also part of your role-playing?"

"You had a GUN at my head." Liv says angrily.

"Ah, but whose gun?"

"First, yours, then mine."

"Okay, then, let's review. We drank together, we took drugs together, we played with each other sexually – you gave me your gun…"

And Liv's control snaps. "You TOOK my gun, you freaking insane freak!" She shouts at him.

{She brings the bar down once.

You think you've been through hell…

Brings the bar down a second time.

It will rain back down on you…

And again it makes a smacking sound against his flesh. She closes her ears; she doesn't want to hear his cries of pain. He didn't hear hers.

Let it rain. }

He smiles and she forces herself to tamp down the rage.

"You forced me to tie you up, but we never had sex, did we?"

"No, we did not have sex." Rape doesn't count.

"So this was more of a flirtation, a courtship of sorts."

Liv puts her hands in her lap, gripping them together to stop the shaking.

{You're a disappointment...I'm the best you've ever had... does this make this the third time or the fourth...I've kinda lost count. Come on, Detective, is that all you got? What would your old partner say?

Come on, baby, suck it down. That's right. Just like that}

You don't get to fucking talk about him.

Forcing down the bile, she finally is able to get her hands to stop shaking but she's so angry that she needs to take a few moments to answer. One, two, three...breathe. One, two, three...breathe.

Thankfully, Barba steps in. And he's angry.

"Your Honor, I know you're giving the defendant latitude but he has crossed the line! He is using this trial to humiliate and retraumatize Detective Benson."

That fucking asshole.

Barba's eyes flick over to Liv. Her lips are white and her face is set. But she catches his gaze for a moment and it's apologetic and...is that sadness she sees in his eyes? She only sees that look for a moment so she can't be sure what it was. But the anger in his voice is unmistakable and she knows he's angry for her.

She remembers what he told her.

"I'll be here. In your corner."

He's always been fighting for her.

"Sustained. Mr. Lewis, watch yourself."

Liv has lost track of how many times Kofax has given that admonishment. And she's actually been counting.

"Okay, no problem." He says easily. "Let's just skip forward to our last day together. Even though you've said that I held you against your will, forcing you to drink drugs, holding you against your will, we still hadn't had sex, right?"

Liv takes a deep breath. This is yet another thing she hadn't told Barba. One of so many things.

Forgive me, Rafael. I didn't want you to know this. I didn't want anyone to know this.

Some humiliations you just want to keep tight to yourself.

"Rape isn't sex."

There. It's out. And the silence changes. Now he...now they know. She doesn't need to say anymore. What is there to say, really?

They know how to read between the lines.

"Can we agree that there was no sexual penetration in all this time? I know this is an embarrassment for you."

Lewis smirks, pushes her some more.

{I want to hear you say it. I want to hear you actually say that I raped you. I want you to fucking admit that I beat you down. That the famous Olivia Benson broke.}

She doesn't respond, doesn't want to give him that satisfaction. Won't give him that satisfaction. He's humiliated her enough today.

"Didn't you try to arouse me by telling me sexual stories from past cases?"

"It was a tactic." Her voice is soft but chilling.

"Was it also a tactic when you told me I was the best you've ever seen?"

{Tell me, detective, I want to hear you say it again. You know it's the truth.}

"Yes. I said that. I said all those things. I was trying to buy time."

She can hear the quiver, the shake in her voice. By now, her voice is so low that it is barely audible to the jury.

She's just so tired. So very tired.

"But when I refused to participate in that twisted rape fantasy, you got angry, didn't you? Didn't you deliberately goad me on? But I still resisted your advances. And you got violent."

Lewis steps closer to the witness stand. She can smell him, the blood, the sweat – some nice cologne, a nice suit, none of that can hide the smell of who he is, what he is. Oh, no, that's seared into his skin. Stamped into his DNA. There's no disguising a monster.

"I was trying to stay alive."

Unconsciously, she recoils. Lewis picks up on it. Moves closer.

And the rage she's seen only once is back. But his face is hidden from the jury. They can't see his eyes. Can't see the fury.

Can't see the monster.

"We BOTH know that's not what happened." He hisses and then gets louder. "Wasn't I HANDCUFFED?! Didn't you BEAT me? Didn't you send the housekeeper and her daughter home? Tell them not to call the police?"

He's losing control and Liv knows it. She's so tired but he's not going to take her down.

"I was trying to save their lives." She almost whispers, her voice firm and steady.

"You were trying to be ALONE with me!" Lewis rages at her.

"You came into the bedroom, started talking to me about your romantic fantasies about your ex-partner. Telling me that he would have known what to do about me."

"He would have." She stares at him icily. "Oh, he would have."

He would have fucking blown your brains out. After beating you to a bloody pulp.

Lewis whispers at her, "We shared so many intimate secrets that day. I talked about my father, you refused to talk about yours."

You don't need to know anything about me, you fucking bastard.

"I told you I didn't want to talk about him." And get out of my face.

"Yeah, I know you didn't. As soon as I started to talk about him, you got really upset. You started beating me with that iron bar."

"I was simply trying to keep you subdued." She's rehearsed these lines so many times, it feels like second nature. It doesn't even feel like a lie. Sometimes you tell a lie so often you begin to believe it. It becomes your truth.

No one can really challenge it.

"Oh, but wasn't I already subdued? As a cop, you would have handcuffed me and made sure I was not a threat before you went to talk to the housekeeper and her daughter."

"I did handcuff you. But when I went to talk to them, somehow you had broken free of your restraints."

Lewis stares at her in outraged disbelief. "Who the hell do you think I am? A magician?! I was handcuffed to the fucking bed!"

"Language, Mr. Lewis."

"I did it." She said calmly. "I broke free from my restraints."

You asshole.

"But wasn't I already incapacitated from your brutal pistol-whipping me? Wasn't I already helpless from being beaten with that iron bar?"

"I did what I had to do to subdue you." Words she had tattooed into her soul, knowing that this was going to come. This was her truth and she was clinging to it with all the strength that she had left. Which wasn't much.

The cut near her wrist is hurting even more now. But the pain focuses her. Reminds her what's at stake.

War's being waged for her sanity, for her very self. A war she's not going to let him win. He could batter at her walls all he wanted. She wasn't letting him in.

The rigid control and charm Lewis had was slipping badly and she could see that some on the jury were starting to see that too.

Keeping going, William Lewis. The more you reveal yourself, the more they'll see that monster beneath the mask. Do your worst. You're not going to break me.

Not here.

Not again.

"I had broken ribs, crushed kneecap, a ruptured spleen...The injuries are almost too numerous to list."

And the damage to my soul is more than I can bear. Do you think I wanted to become like you?

"I did what I had to do to subdue you."

"I died in that ambulance FOUR times! FOUR!" He's incandescent with rage now, spittle forming at the corner of his mouth. Yet the angrier he becomes, the calmer Benson is.

Who's the bitch now?

"I did what I had to do to subdue you."

There's a faint smile on her face as she repeats those words. Despite her exhaustion, he is not going to shake her.

She glances over Lewis' shoulder and sees Barba. He simply nods. The look on his face is inscrutable. She can't really tell what he's thinking. There have been so many revelations today... what he must think of her.

He'll think her even weaker now. But, no, she can't go there. Not now. She's got to focus.

"Why didn't you goddamn shoot me?" Lewis repeats angrily, voice increasing in volume and pitch.

Barba stands up, clearly furious, "Your Honor, he's badgering the witness."

She hasn't been able to see it from the witness stand but Barba's broken his third pencil while enduring Lewis's harangue, his grip has been so tight.

He's been having to take frequent deep breaths throughout the interrogation (because that's what it really is) to stop the nausea. He can't really blame her for holding so much back.

He might have done the same.

There are many things people would be willing to do to survive.

Almost unimaginable things.

Just how far did she go?

He finds he doesn't want to know. Some things just need to be taken to the grave.

But how humiliating to have her ultimate degradation spread out for the world to dissect under a gigantic microscope. Coming through the unimaginable only to be violated once more.

Has he asked too much of her? Expected too much?

What she must have gone through.

What she's going through now.

He can't condone the lying. But he can understand it. And he's ceased being angry at her many hours back. When he saw the fear in her eyes. The stark terror. God, he never wants to see that on her face again.

He'd do anything to take that away.

Barba inhales and moves to make another objection but before he can, the judge intervenes.

"Enough, Mr. Lewis." Kofax says.

But Lewis is too far gone at this point.

"Why didn't you shoot me? I think it's because you wanted me to suffer. You wanted to hear me scream in pain, see me writhe on the floor. To beg..."

"I did what I had to do..."

"...for my life."

"...to subdue you."

"I have a limp now, I've lost my hearing, I'm partially blind."

Benson says nothing.

Your injuries are nothing compared to what you took away from me that day in the beach house. You're lucky I didn't kill you. Because I would have. God, I would have. Should have.

I don't know how I didn't.

Benson looks him in the face. His suffering really doesn't bother her at all. And that scares her.

Maybe she's more like Lewis than she thought.

"Those who fight monsters should take care that they never become one."

Lewis gets up very close to her. "Did you not brutally beat me within an inch of my life, while I was lying helpless, handcuffed to the bed?"

"You had broken free of your restraints. And I did what I had to do to subdue you."

"Mr. Lewis!" Kofax attempts to interject again.

"You and I both know that's a lie." He hisses in her face.

"Objection." Barba again. "Come on, Your Honor, he is blatantly harassing Detective Benson."

"We know so much about each other, don't we?" Lewis's voice is low and wheedling.

{Just admit it, you bitch, admit you're lying.}

"No."

"We shared a bond together over those four days, didn't we?" Lewis says conversationally. "Something no one else can ever understand but I understand what you're going through. If you admit you're lying about beating me, the floodgates just open up, don't they? And everything else you said could be a lie too."

He's so close.

Liv is standing on dangerous ground. Walk too far in either direction and she'll go over the cliff or the earth will collapse beneath her feet, sending her to her death. It's a deep chasm she stands near and Lewis knows it.

He will push and push until she breaks. He's done it before.

But she has power. She's not religious but she remembers something that was read to her long ago.

"And the light shineth in the darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not."

And she knows what to do, where to go. Despite the lies she's told Barba, he has coached her well, shown her the pitfalls. She's been ready for this day of reckoning for a long, long time.

And she'll hold fast. He will not defeat her here. Despite his verbal battering and humiliation of her in front of the jury, she is not going to break.

You survived his assault, you can survive his interrogation.

"I did what I had to do to subdue you."

The words come out soft but audible. Clear and firm. Unwavering. Unyielding.

"Your honor, OBJECTION." She's almost forgotten Barba's there. In those moments on the witness stand, her view has narrowed to just her and Lewis. No one else. This moment is hers.

"Sustained. MR. LEWIS. That is enough." This time Lewis can't ignore Kofax .

"Withdrawn." He says in disgust, walking away from Liv.

Kofax looks at her kindly. "You're dismissed, Detective Benson."

Unbending, unyielding, she stands and walks from the stand.

"He said not 'Thou shalt not be tempested,

thou shalt not be travailed,

thou shalt not be dis-eased';

but he said, 'Thou shalt not be overcome."