Me: And the Torture Lloyd Saga continues!
Lloyd: Does it have to? Really?
Me: Mm-hm. But it plays into the plot this time! In fact, this isn't a happy chapter at all!
Lloyd: Oh, great.
Me: I'm excited for it.
Mithos: Does Lloyd die?
Me: Almost.
Mithos: Does anyone die?
Me: Just on the inside.
Lloyd: I've got a bad feeling about this…
Me: Well, someone should disclaim me so that we can get to the torture.
Cindi: She doesn't own anyone. Except for me.
Me: Exactly.
"Lloyd? Llllllooooyyyyyd! SPEAK TO ME!"
Colette sniffed as Zelos shook Lloyd's body. "Lloyd," she sobbed. "Why?"
"He looks kinda dead," Cindi said tactfully.
"LLLOOOOOYD!!!"
Yuan and a very drunk Kratos walked up. Well, Kratos was stumbling, actually. But still.
"I killed Lloyd!" Colette sobbed.
"Too bad," Cindi said, slurping from her Slurpie. "Want to ride on the teacups?"
"Lloyd!" Zelos screamed again. "LLOYD!"
"You killed Lloyd?" Yuan asked, surprised. "High five!"
"Don't die, Lloyd," Kratos mumbled.
"Hey," Cindi said, "maybe Colette could do CPR on him. Or whatever."
"NO," Zelos snarled.
"Try punching him," Yuan said. "How did you kill him, anyway?"
"He fell off the Ferris Wheel."
"Oh my."
"And I caught him," Colette said proudly.
"Well, at least he isn't totally squished. We can have an open casket funeral." Yuan squinted at Lloyd, and poked him. "I don't really know the protocol for this. Are we supposed to shove him at a doctor, or a mortician, or a casket maker, or what?"
"Who cares?" Zelos said, and slung Lloyd over his shoulder, walking off.
Lloyd awoke feeling like shit. Also, more than a little queasy.
"We are gathered here today, to, uh, celebrate the passing of Lloyd Irving. I mean, mourn! Mourn! DON'T HURT ME!"
Passing usually meant someone was dead…
"Okay. Anyway. Lloyd was a, uh, great person. With suspenders. And, uh, he always wore red. And had a freakish haircut. And, uh—"
Was a great person?
"—he was obviously gay, too. DON'T HURT ME! I'LL SUE!"
"HE OBVIOUSLY HAD THE HOTS FOR COLETTE!" Kratos' voice screeched out before it dissolved into sobs. "Why, Lloyd? WHYYYYY?"
"HE HAD THE HOTS FOR ZELOS!" Yuan snapped back.
"LIES!"
"Llllllllllooooooyyyyyyd," Zelos' voice sobbed.
"Can I eat this cake?" Cindi asked.
"NOES! NOT THE CAKE!" Yuan shrieked. "MY CAKE!"
No way were they eating cake without him. NO WAY. Lloyd stood up abruptly, and shouted, "I WANT CAKE!" This sudden action, of course, caused a spike in his already-excruciating headache, and he immediately collapsed onto the floor face-first, holding his head. "My head," he moaned in pain.
"ZOMBIE!" the priest guy screamed, and ran wailing "DON'T EAT MEEEEE!"
"We are so not paying him," Yuan said, munching on cake. Chocolate cake. Lloyd's favorite.
"Well, zombie Lloyd is better than no Lloyd," sniffed Zelos. "We'll take what we can get, right?"
"I'm not a zombie," Lloyd said into the carpet. "And I want cake."
With that, he fainted. Again.
The doctor obviously thought they were idiots. "You thought he was dead?"
"He wouldn't open his eyes!" Yuan said defensively.
"My head hurts," Kratos mumbled. The doctor sighed.
"Just make him rest, all right?"
"Lloyd's not dead and not a zombie…oh what a glorious day!" Zelos sang.
"MAKE HIM REST," the doctor thundered. He coughed. "That'll be five thousand gald."
Kratos choked. "Five th—"
Yuan patted Kratos on the arm. "Murder is wrong, Kratos, don't even think about it."
"Five—five—five thous—"
"Maiming, however, is not wrong. It's actually encouraged." Yuan grinned charmingly at the doctor. "Kratos is a serial killer. …A hot serial killer."
Kratos groaned.
"And he's great in bed."
"Too much information," Zelos wailed, clamping his hands over his ears too late.
The doctor didn't react, other than to say, "Fifteen thousand."
Kratos whimpered.
Lloyd woke in a bed, not a casket. That was good. What wasn't good was his pounding headache, and the fact that everything was blurry.
"Lloyd?" A soft voice, and someone walked into the room. "Are you up?"
"Yeah," he said, and cracked a grin at Zelos—was it Zelos? Yeah, probably. "What happened?"
Zelos' shoulders slumped. "Lloyd, I am so sorry! I didn't know you hated heights that much! We thought you were dead! I'm so glad you're okay!"
Lloyd squinted at his friend. "Well, okay's a kind of relative word." Weird. Zelos was acting kind of like Colette. "Sorry for worrying you."
"I'm so sorry, Lloyd! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm SORR—"
"It's okay," he reassured him. "It wasn't your fault." But it had been Cindi and Colette's, he thought with a touch of resentment. He hated being bedridden. Almost as much as he hated heights.
"Lloyd," Zelos said quietly, and fiddled with his fingers. Lloyd tilted his head in confusion. Zelos' voice sounded kind of girly and annoying. Whatever. Maybe he had a cold. "Um…I love you…"
Funny. Zelos looked almost blonde. Lloyd shrugged to himself. Must be the light. And then what the ex-Chosen had said hit him. "Oh," Lloyd said. "Oh. Well, uh, that's good…uh…"
And then, inexplicably, he was kissing him. It was a rather clumsy kiss. Which was odd, because Lloyd distinctly remembered Zelos being an exceptional kisser. But, well, everyone had their bad days.
"Oh, Lloyd!" Zelos squealed. "I'm so happy!"
"You're my favorite Chosen in the world," Lloyd mumbled, because it was true, then promptly fell asleep.
Colette nearly skipped out of Lloyd's room, grinning brightly. "Guess what?" she squealed.
Zelos suddenly had a bad feeling. But Cindi smiled brightly and encouragingly. "What?" she squealed back.
"Lloyd just kissed me!"
Oh.
Yuan froze. Kratos' grin grew.
"You owe me," Kratos said smugly.
Oh…
"No fucking way," Yuan growled. "That's not possible."
Colette smiled. "He said I was his favorite Chosen!"
No way.
"You can't be serious," Yuan cried.
Kratos smirked at his boyfriend. "You're just a sore loser."
"I am not! This just doesn't make sense!"
Zelos leaned heavily on the railing, trying to reorient himself. Yeah, of course Lloyd would choose Colette. Colette was the cute, blonde one who was actually a girl. Right. Okay. That made sense.
"Hey, Zellie Wellie." Cindi looked at him and smiled that evil, demonic, and somehow cuteish smile. "Aren't you going to congratulate Colette?"
"Big whoop," he snarled. Okay, I'm being a jealous jerk. I just thought… "Congratulations, Colette," he forced himself to say, smiling more brightly than he felt was appropriate for this situation. I hate my life.
"I think I might die soon if I don't go on a date with you," Cindi said matter-of-factly. "Come on, let's go."
And so Zelos let himself get pulled off by her, knowing that this time there would be no rescue. Not that it mattered. At all. Not that it even mattered that Lloyd liked Colette a hell of a lot more than he liked Zelos. That was fine. Zelos had lots of girls who'd be beside themselves to date him. Like Cindi. Who was cute, as long as she didn't talk. And she was blonde. He'd always been partial to blondes.
Though brunettes are great, too.
And sure, Cindi didn't have brown eyes (Zelos had an extreme weakness for brown eyes) but she did have fairly pretty eyes. This was fine. He could totally get used to this. He'd kind of have to. Because, well, Lloyd was apparently a lot straighter than he let on. And here he'd thought Lloyd wasn't interested in Colette. Everything Lloyd had said was…well…
Apparently Zelos had misread Lloyd. Severely. He hadn't misread someone that badly in a long time.
He's sick. He could have not meant what he said to her.
Zelos snorted. Yeah right. Even Lloyd would have a hard time mistaking Colette for Zelos.
He sighed to himself. Oh, well. Should've seen it coming, really. His own fault.
Cindi was cute. Zelos liked cute girls.
Lloyd is cute too.
No he wasn't. Not that it mattered if he was.
Really cute.
Lloyd wasn't interested in him. That was the simple fact of things.
And a great kisser. And comfortable to be around. And really, really warm…
And not interested.
Cindi was.
He turned the charm up, and didn't try to pull away this time when she grabbed his hand.
"So," he purred. "I hear Altamira has all sorts of places to go on a date."
He could sense that Cindi was about to squeal, but somehow she restrained herself. "Ooh, really? I've never been here before. Is it really that good?"
He turned the charm up further. "Darling, I know all about 'good."'
*silence*
Zelos: …what did you just do?
Me: Progressed the plot?
Zelos: This is terrible.
Me: I know.
Zelos: And you don't even really have a plot.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Zelos: So why was this necessary?
Me: Because.
Zelos: Review, people. So that she'll update and this will be over soon and I can cry in a corner… *slinks off*
Me: Uh…right.