Chapter 21 Dude, I totally miss you.
It's been three days, three long days since I told the reason my heart beats to 'fuck off', I'm still on an emotional rollercoaster. Up and down, though a lot more down than up I must admit. One minute I'm proud of myself for doing what is right and being the son my mum deserves; the next I want to throw myself at Vegeta's feet and beg for his forgiveness. Not that I think he would forgive me, or should for that matter, I was a total asshole to him and he probably hates me now. He hasn't called or texted at all. He spoke to me once, very briefly, I was walking in the corridor with some of the boys and he called my name, just hearing my name on his lips brought me back to life for a fraction of a second. A shiver ran down my spine and I silently begged him to call me again, in that second I would have given anything to hear him say my name again. He walked casually over and handed me my backpack.
"I put your door key's in the front pocket," He informed me in a polite voice. I couldn't even answer him, my chest was tight and my heart felt so heavy, I couldn't even breath let alone speak, I just nodded like an idiot and stared at the floor. He walked away without another word, taking another piece of my heart with him, I wonder how many more times my heart can break before I completely crumble. I put my backpack on and kept walking, none of my friends said anything.
"I'll see you lot in class," I told them, slipping into the toilet. Once inside the cubicle I sunk to the floor, holding my backpack to my face. It smelt like him, the scent of his room had soaked into the material and it was enough to bring me to my knees. I miss the smell of his expensive aftershave, Dolcé and Gabbana, the one, I am tempted to save up and buy myself a bottle just so I don't forget what he smells like.
I miss him. I miss the obvious things like his voice, the feel of his arms around me, being loved and loving. But I miss other things too, things I didn't even know I was enjoying until they were gone, things like the way his left eye twitches when he is angry or upset. The little soft tufts of hair on the back of his neck, just behind his ears. his cute little upturned nose. I miss stupid things like snuggling in bed with him, and being called cutie, not just the sex, although I do miss that, it's more just having him there. My huge bed feels so cold and lonely.
My friends have been great, they have hardly mentioned him at all, and when we see Vegeta in the corridors they all try their best to distract me, luckily, I don't have any classes with him so passing in college is the only time I see him. As much as it breaks me every time, I still find myself seeking him out, my eyes searching hungrily every time we go to the canteen, or anywhere else that I think he might be. Just to catch a slight glimpse of him, just to make my heart beat again for one second is worth the pain. That's what I'm doing now, looking for him, we are heading over to the field for training but I know we have to pass the hall. Will he be in there practicing his bo staff? There's not much I wouldn't do to watch him practice, if only for a moment. I hang back, trying to think of an excuse to fall behind.
"Blast, I've forgotten one of my books," I lie, "I'll meet you on the field," I yell, turning back.
"Sure thing Goku," Trunks calls back, no one seems at all suspicious. Once they are well out of sight I make my way to the hall, the door is open and sure enough, he's in there. Shirtless and dripping with sweat, he spins the staff around expertly. Every time I see him I fall in love with him all over again. There are a few piles of chairs in one corner of the hall, I creep behind them and sit on the floor, watching through the gap between two piles.
I could watch him forever, his body moves with amazing speed and precision, he's fluid in his motion. His strong muscular arms bulging and flexing as he throws and spins the long staff. It spins so fast I can hardly see it, I wonder how he doesn't hit himself in the head with it, but he doesn't. I'm sure I couldn't even spin it once without hurting myself, but Vegeta makes it look easy. He makes everything look easy. I feel my mouth start to water.
I worry that the teammates are wondering where I've gotten to, It's been a while now. As if on cue I see Yamcha poke his head 'round the door, he sees Vegeta practicing alone, and leaves again, it seems I haven't fully won back their trust yet.
Vegeta doesn't notice Yamcha, or if he does he pretends that he doesn't. I sit and silently watch for a while, eventually he stops and puts his stick back in its long case and walks toward the door. I shuffle back a bit behind the chairs to be sure he doesn't see me. I don't realise the strap of my backpack has caught 'round one of the chair legs, as I shuffle back I send the whole pile tumbling to the ground, the loud clatter echoing around the empty hall. I fall on my butt and bang my head on the other pile of chairs, as if in slow motion that pile teeters, threatening to fall, before finally making its mind up and tumbling down, adding to the mountain of chairs spread out around me.
Vegeta's head snaps back as soon as the first chair hits the floor and he stares at me, a blank expression on his face, as all the others fall like skittles around me. He contemplates for a moment before walking over and offering me his hand, I take it and he pulls me to my feet.
"I knew you were there anyway, you clumsy oaf," He mutters before strutting from the hall, I open my mouth to call him back but stop myself just in time. There's no point, I watch him go, leaving a totally mortified me behind to pick up all the chairs. How? How did he know I was there? I was totally silent when I came in, like a ninja.
I skip training, I can't bear it at the moment, I've held myself together all day and I know it's only a matter of time before my façade slips and the true extent of my pain is clear for all to see. I can't have that. I have rushed home every day and barely made it to my room before I fall apart. Today is no different, the second my bedroom door closes behind me I drop to my knees and cry. Holding my backpack up to my face and breathing in as much of his aroma as I can before it evaporates and I'll never be able to smell it again.
I feel as though I have only been here on the floor for a very short time but it must be longer than I thought because my bedroom door opens and my dad pops his head in.
"Goku, dinner is ready," He says in a soft voice. He doesn't mention the fact that I am curled up on the cold floorboards in fetal position with my face buried in my backpack, I am thankful for that. I follow him silently down the stairs and sit at the table. My mother says grace today, it's a good one, she talks about the importance of family, any other time I would have smiled but today I can't even force a fake one, I don't have any.
"That was lovely mother," I say dutifully, picking up my fork and moving stuff around my plate, mum has really outdone herself today, her steak is cooked to perfection and her peppercorn sauce is creamy and smells delightful. Shame I can't bring myself to eat any of it. Mum goes through the normal dinner time routine, she asks my father how his day was then moves to me, I don't have the energy to go into any detail.
"My day was fine, thank you mother."
"How did training go?" She asks with a big over the top smile.
"I didn't go to training today, I felt a little poorly," I lie again, I feel like I spend half my life lying these days.
"Oh dear, what was the matter," My mum asks sounding concerned. I wonder how to answer her but I don't have to. My dad startles everyone by slamming his hand angrily down on the table.
"For God's sake Shirley, the boy is falling apart, why can't you see that?" He shouts across the table at my mother. Both myself and Raditz stare at him in shocked silence.
"Bardock, we spoke about this, it's for the best," She warns in a low voice.
"No, you spoke about this, you decided what was best, take a look at the result of your decision," He gestures to me before picking up his plate and walking towards the front room.
"Bardock, sit down, please," She says a little softer.
"What you're doing is wrong, keeping them apart is wrong," He says firmly.
"What would you know about right from wrong?" She snaps.
"Apparently nothing, I want no part of this," He says with finality and stomps from the room. I don't know what to think, it almost sounded as though he was on my side, like he didn't want me to fall apart, but surely he knew the only way to stop that was to sin. I'm so confused.
"Mum?" I look at her questioningly, I have never seen my dad angry before, come to think of it I've never seen him show any kind of emotion at all, this is strange.
"Your dad has had a hard day, he'll be fine," She assures me.
"What did dad mean when he said what you were doing is wrong, keeping who apart?" I ask, I can hear the desperation in my own voice, if dad thinks mum is wrong to stop me seeing Vegeta then surely there is a chance he is right. He wouldn't say that for no reason would he?
"It's nothing Goku, just drop it."
"Tell me, please, he was talking about me and Vegeta right? Is there a way I can…?"
"Do not say that name in my house. That is enough Goku, your dad isn't thinking straight," She cuts me off. I am silent for a moment, turning things over in my head.
"Abstinence," I suddenly blurt out, maybe Vegeta was right when he said if we abstain it's not a sin to just be together, is that what my dad is thinking. He can't possibly want me to be intimate with Vegeta because that is wrong, but he doesn't seem to think we should be kept apart either.
"Vegeta said something about abstinence," I mutter.
"Goku, how dare you talk such filth at the dinner table, finish your food and go to your room, I don't want to hear another word about it," My mum yells. I know when to shut up, if I say one more thing I will get a slap 'round the head for sure.
I eat my food as fast as I can and rush upstairs. I need to speak to my dad, his opinion on all this really matters to me. When I think about it, he has never said a bad word about Vegeta, or our relationship. He has never said anything about it at all. Maybe, just maybe he would approve. If only he would meet Vegeta there was no way he wouldn't be totally charmed by him, everyone else is. I am too scared of my mum to go downstairs and ask my dad what he meant now, but as soon as I get the chance I will ask him what he meant. I feel the faint sparks of hope deep inside me, I extinguish them immediately. Even if there is a tiny chance my dad would approve of our relationship, Vegeta still hates me. I wonder if there is anything I could do to change that?