This chapter has been slightly updated since I posted it yesterday, to make it flow better. Don't you lovely people sleep? I posted the two chapters right before going to bed (far too late because I could not stop writing until I was finished) and in the morning it had already been read almost hundred times, and most of you seems to be nearly in the same time zone as I. I hope I don't keep you up :)

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Chapter 21: Charles, part II

My feelings were confirmed every day I met her after that and strengthened when I saw her in the company of 2 section. She handled them so well and they all loved her. We ended up on mined ground though, when we talked about Rab and Maisie possibly having a relationship. When she asked me if I would not reconsider my principles if I fell in love with someone I worked with. I had to restrain myself then, to not just throw all reservations over board and tell her what I felt, convince myself that the only right thing in such a situation is to wait out. So, I told her just that, firm, controlled, uncompromising without showing any emotion and she looked at me with disappointment for being such an unromantic man of principles. If she only had known what I felt under the surface.

Then I got to meet Smurf that day in the park. God, how I disliked him. I could not understand how Molly could be with him because she was far too good for him in every visible aspect, both looks and personality. He was just to unlikeable. I could not help telling him I'm a captain, I had a feeling it would disturb him, and I wanted that. If I only had known the price Molly would pay. Even if all the blame was his, I hated myself afterwards for adding to his anger, his jealousy. When I saw her face next morning, I was ready to kill him for real even though I have always been able to keep my impulses under control. But it was more important to be there for her, to get her through this and I was glad that she let me even if she tried to resist it at first. That day held so many shocks for me. When I saw the additional bruises around her neck and realised he nearly killed her, when I understood at the police station that it was mere luck that she escaped a complete rape. I felt such frustration and anger and it was only the fact that she needed care and closeness that prevented me from exploding in fury.

But I kept thinking of that little shit and what he had done to her and a few days later I had to go see him. When he faced me, I saw the fear in his eyes. The fear of a true coward who would only ever dare to attack someone less strong than him. I went there to talk to him, threaten him, but my emotions took over and I hit him. Punched him so hard in the face that he did not get up while I remained there.

"If you ever hurt her again, no if you even come close to her, I will make sure that you die. You will never feel safe again, not anywhere. I know a number of special forces soldiers who would be willing to do me a favour and they can get in anywhere and kill an enemy – and you are my enemy, make no mistake about that."

No need to mention that no SF soldiers I know would kill a guy like him and he seemed to believe it.

"You will pack your bags. You will transfer to another university and you will leave Bath immediately. I don't care how you arrange everything but if you don't leave town by tomorrow, I'll send someone after you. Is that understood?"

He was just wining after the punch.

"THAT'S A FUCKING ORDER! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!?

"Yes" he managed to whisper, and I left him like that. I was incredibly pleased to hear via Matt and Molly that he had actually left town. He was a coward indeed.

The next weeks in her company were lovely but increasingly confusing. Now that there was no boyfriend between us and with all the events that have been pulling us closer, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper in love her. Sometimes I was so close to just draw her to me and kiss her, my body was aching to do it. I kept repeating my mantra that I must wait out until she no longer worked for me. Then we had this great evening with her friends, and I could even more clearly picture what it would be like to be her boyfriend, be part of her world outside the little universe where she and I exist, which made me long for it even more. Maybe that was why I could not resist asking her if she wanted to come to the regimental Christmas party, although I had considered it before and come to conclusion I had better not, that it was inappropriate. When she accepted, I was both overjoyed and a bit worried what it might lead to. A party, alcohol, no boyfriend, you never know.

When I saw her in that red dress, I knew it would be the ruin of me. I no longer wanted to take her to the Christmas party. I wanted to put her in the waiting cab, ask the driver to take us back home to Royal Crescent, bring her up to my bedroom, let that lovely red dress slide off from her body and…

Her Nan elbowed me, brought me back to reality and told me to say something and I realised that the proper thing to do was to give her a compliment. It is just that I could not think of any words that would be enough to cover how amazing she looked, or any words that would be appropriate to say in front of her Nan, or herself, when it came to the things I would like to do with her in this moment. I'm not sure I had ever wanted a woman this much. But it would be so inappropriate when she still works for me. Once again, I told myself I just have to wait out, even though it felt like the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than surviving in the jungle of Belize.

The party began so great. I was just so proud to be there with her, even if the was not my girlfriend. She was clearly the most beautiful woman in the room. I've never danced in these parties, I've always been hanging in the bar, talking with friends, but that night it disturbed me I was not able to dance. I would have loved to slow dance with her. To have a reason to hold her, to bury my face in her hair, hold my cheek next to hers – but she seemed to be happy to just sit beside me. She charmed everyone I introduced her to and I was having such a blast talking about everyone here with her. Okay, so I would not be able to bring her to my bed that night or any night soon, but just being near her was fantastic.

Then everything went wrong. I did not even realise at first. Georgie showed up and I was glad to see her, like any of the 2 section guys. She did not come along when the others visited so I had not met her since Belize, and I was simply happy to meet her again. Maybe I was naïve to think that would not seem different to Molly than meeting the others. She got along so well with Maisie and I did not think Georgie would be different, because she is no different to me. Objectively I know that Georgie is smashing. It is just that to me she will always be Elvis' girl, and secondly, she is not my type at all. I only ever think of her as one of the lads and assume everyone will understand that is all there is to it. I was a bit bothered when she touched me and seemed to want to exclude Molly on purpose… and when she was eluding to that we had discovered in the jungle there was some silly kind of bond between us. I almost felt like laughing when she said it, but it did not feel appropriate as it concerned Elvis. Also, I felt a bit uncomfortable about her sticking all that cleavage up my face. I have always preferred small breasts, like Molly's perfect ones which I would like to… (I just had to stop myself there otherwise I will have a hard on and it would be so inconvenient there at the party.) I tried to include Molly in the conversation, but she seemed a bit reluctant and suddenly Bones, Captain fucking McClyde, appeared out of nowhere and asked her to dance. She seemed so happy to accept. Of course, that was what she has longed for the entire evening, and I could not. I was so mad at my fucking legs when he brought her to the dancefloor. I followed every move they made, and when they slow danced it was killing me. I wanted it to be me, but worse than that; I realised I had no right whatsoever to claim her. She was not mine in any shape or form. I had just lived in the illusion that we had something special. I was convinced I could not do anything about it as long as she worked for me, and I needed her to do that until I can walk and drive by myself. I had told myself I was fine waiting out if I could only be near her, but it was only that evening I realised that might not be enough for her. She might not even have the desire to be with me in any other way, and she might have the desire to be with someone else and I had nothing to say about it. I was only vaguely aware of what Georgie was telling me, meanwhile I had full attention on Bones' hand on Molly's back and how she laughed at the things he whispered in her ear.

"Come with me tonight", Georgie was breathing in my ear, and startled me.

"What?"

"I know you want it Charles. We have both wanted it for so long, it's inevitable."

She looked at me with glossy eyes.

"I'm sorry Georgie, I don't get what you mean?"

"Don't act shy Charlie, I know you want me and now you're not my CO now so finally we can…"

"Georgie, no. No, there will never be anything like that between us. You got it wrong, I'm not interested in you like that. I care for you as a friend, and as the friend of your former fiancée, but I'm your CO, and even if I was not your CO I don't have feelings for you in that way. And I never will."

She looked offended and pissed off like hell and she was up on her feet in no time.

"You have been leading me on" she spat.

"Not once. I have not treated you different from the other guys."

And I saw a realisation in her eyes when she thought back and understood that is actually true, but she was still as pissed at me and spun around and left. To be honest, I was only relieved. If I become the commander over 2 section again, I will clearly have to make sure that we change medic because her and I should not work together again.

Now that I was rid of her distracting me, I looked for Molly again. She was in the bar, drink in hand. It seemed like Bones kept them coming and I thought it might be time to stop that, so she did not get too drunk. I loved that she was enjoying herself, but I wished she was less intimate with Bones. I know he is quite the womanizer. Right before I reached them at the bar, I saw him brush his lips against her cheek whispering something to her. The things it did to my insides, I would have liked to take a punch at him. When she saw my face, she just laughed at me, called me Sternface and laughed together with him without realising how it hurt me. God, Molly you did not know what you were doing to me. I just wanted to get us out of there, so it would only be the two of us and we could make things right again. When she would not come with me I lost my temper and without thinking grabbed her by the wrist.

"Hey, you're not going to turn into another Smurf, are you?"

I immediately let go of her, I do not think I have ever felt so ashamed. How could I do that? After what she had been through, and when I had no right, none what so ever. She was not my girlfriend, no emotional strings attached, she was just working for me and had no idea what I feel about her, and even if she was my girlfriend I would have no right to grab her like that. I was so mad at myself, and unfairly mad at her for making me act like an asshole. She seemed to regret what she said but it was too late. Something between us had been destroyed by the actions of us both. I strode off with her after me, relieved that she at least came. I could not stand sitting beside her in the taxi, not after that. I was too ashamed and too afraid that I would not be able to keep my emotions in check and tell her what I felt. That horrible drive never seemed to end, but finally it did and all I wanted was to escape inside the house. But no, even though I had been an asshole she insisted on accompanying me to the door. So concerned for me, so lovely. When she blurted out a good night, sounding sad and confused, I could not help myself. I just grabbed her and kissed her but was so furious with myself and so immensely frustrated and all that came out in that kiss and it was just completely wrong. A hard, angry kiss, seemingly devoid of affection. Wrong because I had never wanted to kiss her in that way. I realised what I was doing was wrong and just let her go, came up with the lamest excuse:

"I forgot to kiss you under the fucking mistletoe."

Then I escaped into the house, wondered how I would be able to face her again, or able to face myself. I felt like such a total loser. I cursed myself, as I stood inside the door with my back leaning against it, heart pounding. This was so not want I wanted. I wanted to run after her, apologise to her, but I just could not bring myself to do it, I was too proud. How did things get so fucked up? God knows I had been fantasising about the evening, even before I asked her to come. So many stupid dreams, but I just could not stop myself. My favourite was that we sit in the backseat of the cab on the way home and she suddenly moves in to kiss me without warning and it gets steamy there in the backseat. Somehow, the driver disappears in that fantasy and it is just us there, me pulling up her dress, she straddling me and… and instead I was sitting in the front beside the driver, angry, silent, jealous. Now I was not even sure it was justified. But Bones has always been able to drive me mad. Why did I kiss her like that? The simple answer is that I really, really wanted to kiss her, but not like that. I just did not dare to kiss her the way I wanted to, so I did it in anger instead and maybe I ruined everything. I did not know how to face her on the Monday. I was not sure I could.

My logic had been so crystal clear to me: we would wait to show any feelings until I no longer need her working for me, because I could not replace her with someone else and in the meantime, we just enjoy our company on the platonic level. That evening I realised two things. That, after seeing her in that red dress, I was not sure how to keep my hands off from her some months longer, or even days. And worse, that she had in no way signed up this plan of mine. I just assumed, with the way I was feeling, she felt the same, but it dawned on me that I have no right to expect anything from her above exactly what I'm paying her for. I felt like such a fool. A presumptuous fool. If there is anything I should have known by now, it was that she has a will of her own. I did not know how face her again, because I was so totally embarrassed over both my behaviour and my thoughts.

So, when mum and dad came home earlier than expected for the holiday, I thought I took the easy way out when I told her to stay away. It was just that already after a day, I missed her so my body ached. I was desperate to see her again, to make everything good. If I had heard anything from her I would have begged her to come. But nothing, not even after I sent the present that I had felt so happy about when I bought it. I realised then that she must be so mad with me that she might never forgive me and the whole Christmas was just miserable. When I managed to ditch the crutches I did not even feel happy for real. It was not the same when she was not here to celebrate with me.

Then she came back.

The feeling when I see her standing here in my room again. So incredibly glad to see her, so incredibly nervous about what will happen now. I keep my arms crossed to make sure it is not visible if my hands are trembling, the might be from all the adrenaline pumping through my body. It does not begin well. She is angry with me for the kiss, with every right – and I try to pretend I'm cool, like it was nothing to me. Then she tells me I hurt her and my heart flutters. I hate it, hate that she stands there sad, because I hurt her when it is the last thing I want to do. I hate to feel this frustrated because all I want to do is kiss her.

And she tells me she cannot do this anymore and she spins around to leave. I cannot let her leave, not like this.

All I feel is 'Fuck it!' Fuck if she cannot work for me anymore. I do not care, I just cannot hold it back any longer, I just have to take the risk that she will turn and run when I tell her if there is just the slightest possibility that she will not.

"I don't want to be your friend."

She looks devastated.

"At least I don't think I can only be your friend. And I certainly don't want to be your boss."

Her face so angry and confused.

"Then what do you want Charles?"

"Don't you know that Molly?

"No, Charles, I just feel tired of guessing what you want."

Then I just do it. I take her face gently between my palms, stroke her cheeks with my thumbs. She looks completely surprised, but the anger vanishes, and she does not back away. I can barely speak.

"Molly, I want you. I only want you."

And I bend down and kiss her, so nervous she will push me away, that she will not want the same. But after the first surprise, she puts her arms around my neck, and she returns the kiss. Nothing like that horrible, hard one-sided kiss I gave her out of jealousy and anger, this is something different entirely. I'm not sure how my legs manage to carry me and that has nothing to do with my injuries. I'm feeling fantastic, yet strangely weak in my legs. She presses her small body to mine and all I feel is that I cannot have her close enough. God, I have been longing for this, for her to be mine. Or maybe for me to be hers.

I reach out to the back of her head, to softly pull away the elastic tie that holds her ponytail in place and let her hair fall around her shoulders. I have longed to do that since I first saw it lose when we had lunch in the restaurant, so see the shiny strands move, to bury my hands in them as I pull her close and kiss her again, and everything that happens thereafter is a thousand times better than any fantasy I have had.

For long, I thought that falling for her was against my better judgement. But this Christmas has been hell without her. I think I have longed for her, pined for her every waking moment and suddenly I realised that loving her is the only sound thing I have done for so many years. The only thing that makes perfect sense. I felt that nothing else mattered, if she only would come back to me and I got to tell her how if feel. Tell her that she is my best friend, and that I want her so much it hurts. And that I love her. I should probably not tell her all that in one fell swoop, with the risk of overwhelming her with confessions, but it is without a doubt true.

I cannot believe my luck that she is lying here beside me, right now sleeping. To be honest, we could both need that after the hours of making love and talking and making love again, but I just cannot get enough of looking at her, touching her bare skin – now that I'm allowed to. God, she is so beautiful. Her fair skin is so amazingly soft, the curve of her lower back so perfect, her breasts and nipples – I do not even know what to say. I wonder if I will be able to look at her and not want to undress her ever again.

There are only two things that have ever made me feel like I'm truly home and strange enough none of them is a place. One is an institution - the Army. The other is a person. Her. Molly. She is my home. Wherever she is, I want to be. Where ever she will be, I will want to return if I must leave her. I know that for sure. She is my love, overtrumping the army by far, and nothing can ever change that.

Enough of nightly mind-wandering. I move closer to her to spoon against her back and feel her soft skin against mine. When I put my arm around her I cannot resist cupping one of her wonderful little breasts in my hand, it fits so perfectly there. She gives up sigh of contentment in her sleep, like she can feel it even in her reverie, making me smile. Then I fall asleep too.