Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.
Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Please enjoy & review. To the reader who wanted to know about Alex's sexuality: I'm starting to deal with it in this chapter, and will continue in the next one. I'd welcome comments/stories about coming to terms with your sexuality if you have anything to share to help me make this more realistic. To be honest, my recent foray into AO fanfiction has convinced me that I'm bisexual at least, if not a lesbian, although I'm married and newly pregnant, so my own experimentation will likely be entirely literary for now. Fortunately, my husband is understanding of my huge girl crush on Stephanie March, which has only gotten worse since I've rewatched all of the Cabot episodes of SVU and her other TV/movie appearances. (I think the 30 Rock episode she's in is amazing). Anyway, thanks again in advance for your comments!
The ride to the hospital the next morning was quiet. Laura had brought her school bag and an overnight bag with pyjamas and a change of clothes, and barely spoke to Alex as she put them in the trunk and climbed in the front seat.
Alex turned to look at her before starting up the car. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked gently. She noticed Laura was shaking slightly and her chin was quivering, but the girl nodded determinedly.
They rode in silence. It was still rush hour, so it took a while to get to the hospital parking lot even though the distance was short.
"Do you think it'll hurt?" she asked quietly as they pulled into the garage.
Alex turned off the ignition and leaned back in her seat. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully, turning to look at Laura. "They'll give you some kind of anesthetic, but you'll have to ask the doctor about pain. And I'll hold your hand if you want me to. If you don't want me to, I'll stay in the waiting room. It's totally up to you."
Alex waited for Laura to give the cue to go, and when the young girl took a deep breath and opened the car door to get out, she followed.
They arrived up in the waiting room with ten minutes to spare, and when they sat down, Laura gripped the hand Alex had silently offered.
"Nervous? It's okay to be nervous or a bit unsure," Alex offered.
Laura nodded. "A bit nervous. But sure."
Dr. Logan came out promptly and greeted Alex with a warm smile. "Ms. Cabot, I've seen entirely too much of you this week. What can I do for you?"
Alex blushed and nodded towards Laura. "I'm here with Laura Simmons this time, not myself. May I speak to you for a moment, though?"
The two women followed the doctor, and the doctor closed the door to the examination room after instructing Laura to change into a hospital gown.
"What can I do for you, Ms. Cabot?"
"Ms. Simmons asked for my help - legal help - getting an abortion, which is why I brought her. She was pretty determined when she came to me, so I don't think I've influenced her decision one way or the other, but I'd like you to talk to her to make sure she's sure of what she wants without me there. I told her that in exchange for my help, I wanted her to talk to you privately first. I also know she's concerned about pain."
"Fine. Whenever pregnant women come to see me, I always like to discuss the options privately to make sure nobody's coercing them one way or the other. Is she aware of your pregnancy?"
"No, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. I still plan on terminating next week, and I'm trying to keep it as private as possible. There's always a chance my ex might try some legal maneuver to cause problems for me if he finds out, and I might still run for office someday, and I don't want it to come back to haunt me. New York voters support a woman's right to choose, but that doesn't mean anyone's comfortable with women who have had abortions."
"I understand. I won't say anything. Is there anything else?" Dr. Logan asked.
"One more thing. I'd like to pay the bill, but I don't want her to know. I can more than afford it, and there's no reason she should have to spend her birthday money or allowance or whatever on this. Can you direct me to Billing and make up something to tell her?"
"I can do that. Some clinics have a sliding scale, so we'll go with that. I'm going to get started with her, and I'll come get you in the waiting room if she wants you to come in. It'll be about 30 minutes."
Alex thanked the doctor and returned to take a seat, pulling a novel out of her purse to read. She'd had tons of time to read and watch television in witness protection, and now, she relished any chance she got to take a break and read something other than a law journal. Of course, she'd fallen three years behind reading those when she'd left, and still had a stack piled as high as her waist next to her desk in her - Robert's - apartment.
Today's reading, though, was completely trashy. A romance novel. A heterosexual romance novel. She wanted to see if she found this story as appealing as some of her other choices, or at least figure out what she found appealing in the more erotic entertainment she enjoyed. Just to be safe, she'd covered the book's jacket with a brown paper bag, like she'd done in high school, to avoid being caught with the incriminating evidence.
She'd read the same page three times when she realized the reason she couldn't concentrate. If she was going to help a girl she barely knew in New York get an abortion, she had to assume responsibility for what had happened in Portland. Part of healing herself from witness protection had to be making amends to those she'd hurt by dying multiple times without saying goodbye. And Sarah Williams deserved justice, too.
Alex picked up her phone and scrolled through her contact list, finally selecting the number of a person she'd hoped she'd never have to speak to again. When the voicemail picked up, she pretended she was calm and collected. "Jack, this is Alexandra Cabot. I need your help resolving some unfinished business in Portland. Can you check to see if the Sarah Williams rape case was ever prosecuted, and get back to me? I need to make things right."
When she hung up the phone, feeling relieved, Dr. Logan had just appeared in the hallway to summon her back to Laura's room.
Alex had to consciously remind herself that she was in New York to stop herself from flashing back to Portland, when she'd brought a similarly frightened teenager to the hospital in the middle of a school dance. Laura is not Sarah, she reminded herself. She sat down on the chair next to the examination table.
"Okay, Ms. Simmons, the first thing I'm going to do is a quick ultrasound to make sure that your pregnancy is in your uterus and not ectopic. Normally you'd have already been brought in if you'd had an ectopic pregnancy, but I just like to be sure. You don't have to look or listen unless you want to."
Laura shook her head, and Dr. Logan turned off the sound and faced the monitor away from the girl, before slathering the cold gel onto her abdomen and taking a look. Alex got up to stand behind the doctor and take a look, and she covered her mouth with her hand, then sat down and took Laura's hand as the doctor put away the machine.
"Now I'm going to insert a suppository that will soften your cervix. I'm also going to give you a Vicodin, for pain. It'll take about 45 minutes for your cervix to be ready. I'll come back in 30 minutes to give you a shot of Novocain. Between the two pain medications, you should only feel a bit of pressure, and you should be up and walking about half an hour after the procedure. You might have some cramping or nausea this afternoon, but I can let you go home as soon as you can walk. Okay?"
Laura nodded her consent and the doctor handed her a small pill and a glass of water, then took another pill and pushed it into her gently, with one finger. Laura squirmed on the table at the unexpected contact.
"You can take your feet out of the stirrups until I come back, but I'm warning you: no squirming during the procedure. It'll be dangerous if you move, because I might puncture something. The drugs will stop you from feeling pain, but you'll still feel pressure down there. Are you going to be able to handle that?" Laura bit her lip and nodded. "Okay. I'll be back in a little while."
As soon as the doctor left the room, Laura crossed her legs and scooted back on the table. Alex recognized the protective movement as something she always did whenever she had to be examined. Laura fidgeted on the table, and Alex tried to distract her with questions about school and what she was reading in English class, but got only one-word answers. To be honest, Alex was nervous too. Laura may not know it, but Alex felt like she was looking a few days into the future, although she was fairly certain she'd opt for the less invasive medical abortion. She'd rather take a few pills and have a heavier-than-normal period than have a doctor scraping in her uterus. But that wasn't an option for Laura, who was further along.
The doctor came back into the room after the thirty minutes slowly ticked by, carrying a covered tray, which she set down at the business end of the table. She encouraged Laura to lie back and put her feet back up in the stirrups, and Alex swallowed hard when she saw the rather large needle uncovered on the tray. She scooted in to take Laura's hands in hers.
"Alright, I need you to hold Alex's hands and stay perfectly still. First I'm going to insert the speculum." Laura let out a quiet gasp and gripped Alex as the cold implement stretched her.
"It's alright, Laura. You're doing great." Alex reassured her. She realized that as uncomfortable as she usually was at the doctor's office, she'd at least had pelvic exams before. She doubted Laura's mother had ever brought her to a gynecologist if she'd denied the girl sex ed.
"Now, I'm going to numb you with a shot of novocain to your cervix. It's the same stuff you get at the dentist's office when you get a cavity filled," Dr. Logan explained. "It will sting a little, and it'll last a few seconds, so you need to be very careful not to move. Can you do that?"
Laura nodded, and whimpered as the needle entered her. She'd never had a cavity filled before, and it felt like her whole body was burning up from the inside. Alex tried to channel Olivia by leaning over and encouraging Laura to breathe, and reassure the girl that she was okay, until she glared when the doctor pulled out the needle with an "All done. That wasn't so bad, was it?"
The procedure itself lasted less than ten minutes, and Alex was glad that Laura seemed to recover fairly quickly. The doctor warned them both about the common after-effects: cramping, nausea, light bleeding, and created a diversion so Alex could pay the bill.
It was barely 11 and Olivia was still out for her run when they got back to the apartment, and Alex got Laura settled into her roll-out bed in Olivia's office and then showed her the hot water bottle, the movie selection, and the couch. Once the girl was settled with her movies and a cup of tea, Alex took a bookstore bag out of her briefcase and went to sit down next to her.
"How do you feel?" she asked gently. Laura looked a little pale, and still moved like she was in some pain.
"Honestly? Relieved." Alex masked her look of surprise. "I know I'm probably supposed to feel guilty or something, but I'm just really glad it's over. It feels like a big weight has been lifted."
"Then it sounds like you made the right choice," Alex reassured her. "There are plenty of people who would disagree, including your parents, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about." Alex paused. "And physically?"
"I'm still a bit numb. Starting to feel some cramps. But so far I'm okay."
"Alright. You'll let me know if you need anything or if we need to call Dr. Logan, right?" Laura nodded. Alex handed her the bag, and Laura pulled out a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves. "I got you some light reading for while you're here," Alex explained. "Let's just say my mother wasn't too keen on giving the sex talk either, and I didn't have internet growing up, so… this is how I got my information. Read it, hide it in your locker, pass it on to someone else who needs it later, whatever. Just… be careful and be safe, okay?"
Laura nodded. "Thanks. I told you I'm a lesbian, though, right?"
Alex laughed. "Yes, but it's still useful to know basic biology. Besides, plenty of people are bisexual. Maybe you'll end up dating a man at some point too, and it'll come in handy." She paused awkwardly. "Laura, when did you realize you're gay, if you don't mind me asking?"
Laura shrugged. "I always thought the guys I went to school with were lame. Liked girls better. Had crushes on girls. Never played 'mommy and daddy with babies' when I had dolls. It was always 'mommy and her friends and babies'. Then I kissed a bunch of guys, and it was… it didn't appeal to me. And then I slept with one, and we know how that turned out."
"Most people's first sexual experience isn't that great, Laura. If they tell you that it was, they're usually lying." Alex commented. Her own first time had been awkward and unpleasant at best, and she'd been embarrassed that she'd waited as long as she had. She'd never had the intention of waiting until marriage, but the longer she'd stayed a virgin, the more nervous and self-conscious she'd become about sex.
"It wasn't that… I mean, he was really sweet about everything. It's just… how do I explain it? He had all of the qualities of someone I'd want to date, and we have great chemistry as friends, but I didn't like having sex with him. Not because he wasn't good, or attentive, because he was, but because I don't think I want to have sex with any guy. I mean, my parents buy into that whole 'sex is only for procreation and if you're not making babies you shouldn't be doing it' crap, but you are supposed to like it, right? Isn't that the point?"
"That is the point," Alex confirmed. At least, she thought so. Now she was racking her brain, trying to figure out if she'd ever had sex because she wanted to and wanted to enjoy it. At first, she'd blamed her lack of enjoyment on lack of experience. In Witsec, she'd blamed her emotional pain and the fact that her lover hadn't even known her real name. And with Robert… he wasn't particularly gifted, and sex had quickly turned into an obligation.
"And then I kissed a girl, and slept with her and we… We didn't have sex but we touched each other, and it was different. It felt… right, I guess. I felt safe, cared for, you know?"
"Is she your girlfriend?" Alex asked.
"Sort of. She's not 'out' either, although her parents will probably be nicer about it than mine. But we agreed that we're just going to hang out and not go beyond kissing for now."
"That's probably a good idea. But what are you going to do about your parents?"
Laura shrugged. "Well, aside from my girlfriend, you're the only one who knows, and I trust you not to tell anyone. So, my plan is to stay in the closet until I graduate college, then cut ties with them. If I'm financially independent, they won't be able to do anything about it."
"That sounds hard," Alex commented.
"It is what it is. If I get put in foster care, I'm not going to get to go to college. At least if I can get a degree, I'll have a shot. Neither of my parents went to college, and I think that's why they're so extreme and religious."
"If you're legally emancipated from your parents, you don't have to declare their income on your financial aid declaration. You could get a need-based scholarship. And I don't know how your grades are, but you might be able to get an academic scholarship too. But it can be an ugly battle in court."
"I don't know. I mean, they're still my parents, you know?"
"I know. All parents have their flaws, and I don't even know if there'd be enough to get you emancipated, but we can talk about it another time if you want." She smiled at a memory. "You know, from the time I graduated college my mother was harping on me to settle down and get married because 'my biological clock was ticking' and she wasn't able to get pregnant again after 30, and I hated it. It was probably the thing I hated most about her. We were finally starting to get along when I had to leave New York… and now that she's gone, I miss those fights that we had. Of course, her nagging might be why I ended up engaged to a man I didn't love, but that's another issue entirely."
"Elena told me what happened." Laura said. Alex looked away. "I'm sorry… I know she didn't tell anyone else, but she told me she'd come over with her mom, and that you had been asking about my parents, and then she told me what he did to you."
"He's in jail. And hopefully he'll be staying there for a very long time." Alex examined her own cup of tea. "And I meant to tell you… at least to explain why I'm staying here with Olivia instead of in my own place, at least temporarily. I just figured you had enough to deal with and I really don't want to talk about it anyway."
"Then we won't talk about it. I just thought you should know that I know. And look, I know this is really selfish of me, but I'm grateful that you were off of work this week so you could help me. Of course I'm not glad about what happened to you, but I know you're busy, and if he hadn't done what he did, you'd be working, and you wouldn't have been able to meet with me on Monday or take me today, and… I'm sorry, this is awful of me to say, and I'm going to stop talking now."
"Laura, it's okay. I know what you mean. I know you're not glad I was raped. And in spite of everything, I'm glad I'm able to help you too. I'm still in pain and I'm not in a great place emotionally, but I acknowledge that some good things have already come from it. I was able to get out of a really bad relationship that I was having trouble leaving. I reconnected with Olivia and some other friends, whom I hadn't contacted since I'd gotten back to New York. There's some advocacy I'm going to do now, that I wouldn't have been doing otherwise. And of course, I was available to help you, which I definitely don't regret. Of course I would prefer that it had never happened, but at least I'll make the best of it."
Alex took the now empty teacups and stood up to end the conversation. "I'm going to do a little bit of work, so I'll leave you with the remote and the DVDs. Let me know if you need anything."
She went into the kitchen and rinsed the dishes, just as she heard Olivia's key in the door. Alex automatically reached for a glass and filled it with ice water.
"How'd it go this morning?" Olivia asked, taking the glass of water Alex offered her to cool down from her run.
"Fine. I think she's doing okay. We talked a bit and now she's going to watch something while I get some work done."
"Okay. I'm going to hop in the shower and then do a bit of paperwork." Olivia said.
"At some point I'll run out to the grocery store so I can make dinner tonight," Alex said. "It's about time I showed you what I learned to cook in Witsec."
"Should I call the fire department in advance? Or Poison Control?" Olivia teased, and Alex hit her on the arm.
"I'll have you know that I haven't started any fires in years. And you will eat your words when you taste my lemon chicken."
"Whatever you say, Lex."
Olivia walked off to the bathroom and Alex settled down at the table with a new cup of tea, carefully angling her laptop's screen so that Laura and Olivia wouldn't be able to see it. She put on her glasses, pulled out her legal pad and drew two columns, jotting down some notes in each, before opening up an incognito window in her browser and googling 'how do I know if I'm a lesbian?'