AN: Thank you for the reviews. I do not own Vampire Academy/Bloodlines or the characters, Richelle Mead does.
I watched as they drove away. What was I going to do? What if he could tell I had feelings for the vampires, for Adrian? I needed to put a stop to all of my emotions before things got worse.
Chapter 21
"So, what just happened?"
I jumped at the sound of his voice, not realizing that he had come downstairs. "Where did you come from?" I asked as I turned towards Adrian.
"The same place that you did, the door," Adrian nodded back towards it.
I turned back in the direction that Stanton and Mr. Juarez had just left. "How long have you been standing there?" I asked worried that one of them would have seen Adrian waiting for me.
"Not long. I just saw them driving away," he said as I felt him move closer to me. "It was a little uncomfortable watching Rose and Dimitri make goo-goo eyes at each other."
I sighed as I turned back towards him. "Adrian, I know that I have said this before and I don't pretend to understand what you went through with Rose, but isn't it about time to move on. You have been doing so much better and, well, I think it is time that you just forgive them."
Looking into his eyes, I could see the struggle that was warring inside of him. I never realized before how much it hurt to see him still hung up on Rose, but it did. This confirmed it for me. The dream could not have possibly been a spirit dream, because in that dream when I looked into his eyes, I knew there was no one else except me.
"We better get back upstairs. I'm sure Abe is impatiently waiting for us," I said as I moved passed him towards the door. I could not bear to look into those eyes anymore.
When we returned to the apartment, Dimitri had gathered his few personal belongings and Abe was making arrangements to send for Mikhail's things. The joy on Sonya's face over having Mikhail there was overwhelming. I was glad to be able to have brought them together.
"We really should be going," said Abe. "I've got some important phone calls to make before Ms. Stanton checks up on whether this arrangement was approved or not." With that, he simply left the apartment knowing that everyone that was needed would follow his leave. Dimitri immediately followed him, but Rose hung back.
As I watched Rose look back over everyone she was leaving behind, she seemed to have a pained expression on her face. "Would you walk out with me Sydney?" she asked politely.
"Sure," I said with a smile. No matter what we had been through all those months ago, I knew that I cherished our friendship. If it were not for Rose, I would have never realized that my prejudices against her kind might have been a little shortsighted.
As we walked down in silence, I had a feeling that Rose wanted to talk about something. Her earlier expression of pain had not left her face. "What's wrong?" I asked with concern.
Rose looked at me and smiled. "I guess I never thought I would see the day when you would show concern for us," she said as she shook her head slightly. "I was just wondering how everyone was doing. I mean really doing. Don't just give me that 'their fine' crap."
"Really, I do think everyone is doing fine. Jill is settling in and finding her place at school, Eddie seems happy getting to protect Jill, and Angeline is enjoying learning guardian stuff from Eddie."
"And what about Adrian?" she asked.
"He has his good days and bad ones. I think it just takes him longer to get used to situations. He eventually seemed to warm up to the idea of Dimitri being around. I just don't think he takes change well, like when you showed up now," I said remembering how hurt I felt that he got upset from seeing her.
"You know, when we last spoke, he and I, he told me that I left a lot of collateral damage in the wake of my time on the run." I could see how much this bothered Rose as she said it. "I hate to admit, being in that room back there with all the people whose lives changed because of me, I believe he was right."
I did not like to see Rose blaming herself like this. The image I always held of her was of an invincible warrior. It was strange to see her vulnerable. "Rose, I don't believe that anyone back there blames you for how their lives have turned out. Every one of them made their own choices. Jill agreed to take her place. She wasn't forced. Eddie chose to help you at whatever cost to him. This freedom was exactly what Angeline wanted. Mikhail would have done anything to get his Sonya back."
"And Adrian?" she asked again.
"And Adrian knew what he was doing and made his own choices as well. No matter how much he denies it, he always knew how you felt about Dimitri. He helped you, because he loved you regardless of whether he thought you could return those feelings." I hoped I didn't sound bitter when I said this. I really did want to make Rose feel better, but it hurt knowing that Adrian would have probably still done anything for her.
"What about you? I know that Abe was holding something over you," she said meekly.
"I made my own choices as well. Abe may have asked for my help, but I wouldn't have done it if I didn't believe in your innocence." I could tell that Rose was skeptical about me being able to turn down Abe's request.
"Thank you, Sydney," she said. "I appreciate your kind words. I guess when I see Adrian, I am just reminded of all the hurt that I caused. I know that I can never fix the damage. I just hope that the wounds I inflicted will heal."
As I hugged Rose goodbye I said, "Just remember, everyone made their own choices. Any wounds that need to be healed will heal on their own time and there is nothing that you can do about it. It is not your fault."
She was smiling again as we released each other. "I think you have definitely grown a soft spot for us evil creatures of the night." I was glad no one else was around to hear her. I think she could see that I was wary. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," she said with a wink as she left me to join Abe and Dimitri.
When I returned to the apartment, I gathered up Eddie, Jill, and Angeline, so that we could return to Amberwood. Adrian was in the kitchen and I decided not to bother with asking him if he needed a ride. I was still hurt by his reaction to Rose and I was afraid that I might say something that I would regret.
Once back at Amberwood, Jill asked to speak with me in private, so I ushered her up to my room. "Thank you so much," she gushed. "I know that you are the reason we are getting to stay and I really appreciate it."
"You're welcome, Jill," I said. "I'm still not sure I agree with your choice, but I know it is what you want."
Jill seemed a little saddened by my statement. "Is it that bad to have us around?" she asked.
"No, it's not that," I said. I had not meant for her to think that. "It is just that, well. It's just that I can see the way you look at Eddie, those feelings that you try to hide. If you were back at Court you would have the opportunity to, I don't know, be with him."
"I appreciate your concern," she said, "but it isn't that easy. We could still never be together at Court. It would never be accepted. Guardians and royals don't mix. At least while I am here, I can still steal the occasional moment. It is more than I would ever get at Court." I could tell by the way that she spoke, that she had put a lot of thought into this.
"I guess," I said. "I just can't imagine that it would really be that hard."
She looked at me with sympathy. "I understand that this is hard for you to comprehend. It is always so black and white to you with the separation of humans and vampires, but every race has their own set of hierarchy. Even the humans do." I knew she was right.
"Besides, if we left, you would not be able to see Adrian anymore," she said.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked defensively.
"I just mean that the two of you seem to spend a lot of time together. I know that Adrian regards you as an important person in his life and I think that you feel the same way about him."
I was not exactly sure what she was getting at by the 'important person' part, but I knew if I didn't respond appropriately that she would get the wrong idea. "I do regard Adrian as a friend, but friends come and go all the time. Besides, it is not as if we could not keep in touch if he wanted to. There is always e-mail."
Jill just seemed to shake her head to this. "You're right I guess, but sometimes it is harder to lose a friend than you would think." With that, she left me to my thoughts.
The next week past uneventfully. My days were consumed by volleyball and my nights were filled with dreamless sleep. I had come to the decision that my dream of Adrian had just been a dream and not a spirit one. Otherwise, I was sure he would have tried to contact me again.
When we arrived at Clarence's on Saturday for Jill's feeding, I noticed that Adrian was not there. I had not spoken to him since our guests from Court had come to visit and I had missed him. I knew these thoughts were wrong, so I immediately dismissed them reminding myself of how Adrian had looked when he saw Rose.
"Sydney, would you mind if we hung out here for awhile?" Jill asked. "I know you don't like spending time here, so if you want to come back and get us that would be fine."
I smiled seeing how hopeful she was to spend time with Eddie. "That's fine. I'll just go outside for a bit. It is a nice day out," I replied.
"You know, Adrian could probably use your help if you wouldn't mind visiting him," she said coming over to me, so that no one would hear her.
"And what could he possibly need help on from me?" I asked tiredly.
"Well, he has been trying to fill out his paperwork for school. It is time for him to register if he wants to enroll next semester, instead of just auditing. I guess it is frustrating him, because he is letting his guard down more and I've been able to see things through his eyes again," she said with a distant look. I think his thoughts were pulling her into his head at that moment.
"Fine, I'll go help him," I said resolutely. I guessed it at least gave me a destination while they hung out at Clarence's. Besides, I probably should warn Adrian that he is not doing a very good job of blocking himself anymore from Jill. I know he doesn't like to affect her feelings.
On the car ride over to his place, though, the realization of what I was doing started to hit me. I hadn't been to his place since the night I watched him destroy all of those paintings of me. We really had never talked about what happened and I didn't count that dream as talking because I was sure it wasn't a spirit dream.
We had also never talked about why Trey had broken up with me or that Mr. Juarez had been sent to keep an eye on me. There had been so many things left unsaid between us that I wasn't sure if showing up on his doorstep was a good idea anymore.
When I parked the car, I sat there debating on whether I should get out or not. I missed Adrian, but I needed to bottle up those emotions before the Alchemists found out. I needed to move back to a professional relationship with everyone.
My heart leapt into my throat, as I was startled out of my thoughts by a knock at the car window. Adrian was peering in. "Are you going to come inside or just sit out here all night?" he said through the glass.
I guess there was no turning back now. I put my professional expression, which I hadn't used in a long time with him, back on as I exited Latte. "Jill said that you could use some help with your registration papers. Seeing as that paperwork is my specialty, I figured I could offer my expertise."
He frowned as I spoke to him. I noticed him studying my aura. "I didn't know that Jill was able to see that," he said continuing to watch me. I walked past him towards his door as I said, "It seems that you have been letting your guard down. I thought I should also inform you of this. I know how you like to be able to block Jill out, so that your thoughts don't bother her."
I felt him follow behind me as I entered his apartment. I knew that I was acting aloof, but I felt it was the only way. As long as I could keep some cool distance between us, I would be able to keep my emotions from the Alchemists.
I turned to Adrian. "So where is this paperwork at?" I asked not meeting his eyes. I knew if I looked into them, I would not be able to keep up this façade.
"It's right over here," he said as he sat down on the couch. He had all sorts of papers spread out over the coffee table.
I sat down on the couch, leaving plenty of distance between us, as I pulled the paperwork together towards me. "Well, this should be easy enough," I said as I took out a pen, "and I'm sure that you will be able to get the financial aid you were looking for this time." I never looked up from the paperwork as I started filling it out for him, but I could feel him watching me.
We sat in silence as I filled it out. It was an uncomfortable silence, but I knew that I needed to keep things professional. If I started to think about being in his apartment with him, I might start thinking about other things and that could lead to nothing but problems.
"Well, here you go," I said handing him his paperwork and not meeting his eyes as I turned to him. He took it with out a word. "Just make sure you turn it in on Monday, because that is the deadline and you wouldn't want to miss it."
I started to get up, when he reached out and took my hand. I think I stopped breathing at that moment. My mind was waging a mental battle with my emotions.
"Sydney?" Adrian said.
"I really need to be getting back to Jill." I removed my hand from his and did not look back. When I reached the door I said trying to remain distant, "Do try to block your feelings better with Jill."
Just then, Adrian's hand was beside me holding the door closed. I could feel his body so close to mine. All I had to do was turn around and I would be close enough to embrace him, to kiss him. A tear rolled down my cheek. I had to leave. It was the only way to keep the Alchemists from finding out. It was the only way to keep Jill here to enjoy her time with Eddie.
"Adrian, please let me leave," I said holding back any more tears. I needed him to let me go. I needed everything to go back to the way it was before I cared about him. Without a word, he removed his hand from the door and I slipped out without looking back.
As I drove, I had no particular destination. I just wanted to go somewhere and cry, but I had nowhere to go. I pulled myself together, so that I could pick up everyone from Clarence's. When I arrived, I found that Sonya and Mikhail had stopped by.
"So how was Adrian?" Jill asked. I saw Sonya studying me as I entered the room. Lord only knew what my aura looked like.
"He is fine. I squared away all of his paperwork for him and as long as he turns it in, he should have no problem getting enrolled next semester," I said matter-of-factly.
"Thank you for helping him," Jill said with a smile. "Oh and I guess for talking to him, because I can't feel his thoughts anymore again."
I was glad he had listened to me. "You're welcome." I saw that Sonya was still watching me, so I decided that now was a good time to talk with her about their research.
"I don't think I can help you with your research anymore," I said turning to Sonya. "Ms. Stanton made it clear to me that they would be watching the research more closely and I don't think it would be wise to continue to pursue that other aspect we were looking at." I didn't mean to be cryptic, but Eddie, Jill, and Angeline had not been made aware of the magical implications that we had been looking into and I did not feel that they needed to know now.
Sonya had no trouble picking up on what I was talking about. "That's okay dear. I'm sure there are plenty of other avenues we can pursue," she said with a knowing smile. I nodded a thank you to her. "I actually have a new idea that I would like to bounce off of you, if you would be free tomorrow. I promise that it won't cross any lines," she said.
I had a feeling that I would have to see Adrian again if I said yes, but as long as we kept my visit professional, I should be fine. "Sure. I will stop by tomorrow afternoon. How about around 1 pm?"
"That sounds good," she said with a smile.
When we returned to Amberwood, I left everyone saying that I needed to get caught up on the schoolwork that I had been neglecting because of volleyball. Once back in my room, I let my earlier emotions out and cried.
Trey had been right about how I felt for Adrian, but I had to stop. If I was sent away, the Alchemists would surely send Jill back to Court along with everyone else. Even if it hurt me to watch Adrian still hung up on Rose, I would never want him to have to face her all the time, not when he wasn't ready to.
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