Chapter 21 Philosophy of Life

Days passed and Inna and her new daughter were back at the palace. Jin Sun had been cremated and placed in his final resting place. After that day, no one really saw Inna cry. She would rather put up a strong front not for anything but for her daughter, Maya. May Yu and the others were worried. May Yu, on her part, would always tell Inna that it was going to be alright and that it was alright to let out the grief that she was feeling. Pei Pei, Fei Xi, Shaoran, Yukito and even Eriol encouraged her to do that. But Inna would just smile. She would extend her gratitude for their concern but that was it.

Sakura remained silent. She knew they all had experienced the loss of a loved one before but she knew how it felt like losing her life. She knew that deep down, Inna's pain was devastating. She knew that somewhere in her heart, Inna felt that she had died too with her husband and the only reason she was living was for the sake of their newborn child. Sakura felt herself in Inna's shoes, the night she lost her family, her friends, and almost…her life.

One day Sakura was sitting at the garden while Lusheng was playing not too far from her. She had white silk in her hands and was doing some embroidery of some yellow, gold chrysanthemum, a gift for Inna and Maya. Every now and then Sakura would look up to make sure that Lusheng hadn't gotten himself into some trouble again. But as much as possible, she let him be. It was a beautiful afternoon. The weather had been cloudy or raining for days and a day of sunshine was a relief. Sakura would catch herself smiling and then would continue on with her embroidery.

"Those are beautiful." Someone suddenly said.

Sakura almost jumped in surprise. She turned and saw Eriol's smiling face greet her. "Good morning, Eriol." Sakura said as she eased and smiled back at him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. May I join you?" He said.

Sakura smiled and gestured to an empty seat. "I didn't hear you come." Sakura commented.

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to scare you." Eriol said. Sakura smiled.

"It's not a problem, Eriol."

Eriol smiled as they both looked at Lusheng. The boy waved to them. Eriol smiled and so did Sakura. "If you don't mind me saying, you are doing a very beautiful embroidery."

"Oh you mean this?" Sakura said as she held up the silk. She replied timidly, "I'm not really good but thank you for saying the things you said."

"A job well done always deserves a compliment, Sakura." Sakura blushed and smiled shyly.

"It seems that the nuns in the convent had taught you embroidery well." Eriol commented.

Sakura looked up at him and smiled. "I guess so. They taught me embroidery to teach me patience and dedication. They would always say that a fine embroidery never gets done without stitching every stitch carefully and experiencing the pricking of the needle every once in a while."

"Then you were able to imbibe the values that they wanted you to learn." Eriol said. Sakura smiled at him.

"Why chrysanthemum?"

"Well chrysanthemum has various meanings…for one it would usually signify lamentation but at the same time nobility, something positive and being cheerful."

"Then I'm guessing that you are doing that for Inna."

Sakura smiled as the pulled the thread. "Yes. Honestly, I am not good with words or making others feel better. This is the only way I know how to at least make someone forget all the things negative in the world, even for a short while. It always did for me. I'm hoping that it would for her and perhaps, one day when Maya understands all of these, she would be proud of her father even if she was born the same day he died. It's very unfortunate but I guess that's reality for you. Inna was so excited to see Jin Sun again. Then the ambush…I wish things turned out differently. I wish he didn't suffer the way he did because of a bomb."

"Yes. We can only imagine how Inna truly feels. But we can't do anything than just be here for her and for Maya." Sakura nodded.

"But no matter how it is, I'm sure little Maya will have fond memories of her father. Inna will make sure of that." Eriol said.

"I'm sure she will." Sakura replied as she cut the final thread. It was finished. Sakura then took the ends of the cloth and held it up. She smiled at the design, how the gold thread glistened with the sun's rays and how the yellow gave subtle elegance. Eriol couldn't help but smile at the refined beauty of the embroidery, reflecting the craftsmanship of Sakura.

"It's ready." Sakura commented.

"I'm sure she will love that, Sakura." Eriol commented.

"Thank you, Eriol." Sakura replied as Sakura started to fold the cloth ever so finely. She then carefully put away the materials she had used and stored them in a simple wooden box.

"You know, you never cease to amaze me." Eriol commented.

Sakura let out a short laugh. "Some how I find that hard to believe, Eriol, when in fact you are the one who never ceases to amaze me. You can also add Yukito-san and Li-san on the list."

Eriol was then the one who laughed. "How is it that you can turn your own grief into something positive? I don't think any of my philosophy books has an answer to that." He said.

Sakura smiled and said, "We can't choose what happens to us, where we've been or where we are ultimately going but we can choose how we deal with it."

"That's true. But still, you haven't answered my question."

Sakura smiled and glanced at Lusheng. "My father…his philosophies in life were never give up on the goodness of man, never lose faith from the One above and never underestimate the power of a smile. He taught me that during the short time we were together. I remember that no matter how hard life was or the trouble that surrounded us, he would always have a smile on his face. Seeing it, I remember feeling safe and would then believe that everything was going to be just fine."

"Your father was a wise man."

"He was, more than I can ever be. My brother inherited his strength and courage from him. I can only wish that he wasn't taken from us, from me so soon."

"He lives in you, Sakura. As long as you are alive, he lives through you." Eriol commented.

Sakura looked at him and smiled. "Oh by the way, I was fixing some books in my study and I came across this." Eriol said as he produced a compilation of some sort and handed them over to Sakura. She took it and a smile lit her face.

"The Saviors of God by Nikos Kazantzakis."

"Yes. I thought that maybe it would be a good read, a drift from the medical books you've been reading for awhile. You can have it."

Sakura looked at him. "Thank you. It would be a wonderful reading deviation. But I will return it as soon as I am done reading it. Thank you so much, Eriol." Eriol smiled.

XxXxXx

Shaoran had just gone from a meeting with Yukito. He was heading to no particular place as Yukito left the palace to head up north to check for himself the status. Shaoran was expecting his report in a few hours before he too would be leaving to check on some informants on the east. He was walking along the corridor and then the path that led to the garden. He saw that Lusheng was there and so was Sakura. He was looking at them but seemed to have been looking at Sakura more.

She seemed to be doing some sewing. It looked like fine white silk and golden threads she was using. He watched how delicately she worked and how she would check Lusheng every now and then.

Suddenly his mind drifted to the time when they were back in that alley, feeling her close to him, in his arms. Thinking about it, he realized what he had done was not something that he would have usually done. But then he also remembered the fear in her eyes and how desperate he felt to just take it all away from her. He reasoned that he had gotten used to her smiling all the time that he regretted to admit that it never occurred to him that maybe deep down, she was suffering silently.

He must admit though that he agreed with Yukito when he said that Sakura possessed this soft, silent charm that drew people to her. She was already a very beautiful woman but what drew people to her more was her pure heart. How her heart remained pure after all the things he could never imagine she went through, would always prove to be a great mystery.

Shaoran stood there, watching. Then he saw Eriol coming towards her. Shaoran watched as he sat next to her and how they engaged in an animated conversation. He saw how comfortable Sakura conversed with Eriol. He somehow felt a little disappointment, a little jealousy there. Sakura seemed to be a little formal with him. He reasoned that perhaps it was his title but then he would remember the times that they would already be talking lengthy, it seemed that she was more comfortable than she used to be. Still, he couldn't quite put the feeling he was feeling. He quickly dismissed the thought and told himself that he was being silly, stupid even.

"You know, brother, it would have been easier if you just went to her instead of just standing here. If you ask me, just confess already. Stop being a martyr and just admit that you like her."

Shaoran suddenly heard May Yu say to him. He looked at her. His stoic face was there, not betraying any emotion.

"What are you talking about?" He said.

May Yu then stood next to him and looked at the girl her brother was looking at. She was smiling, laughing with Eriol. She then held up the cloth she was sewing. The golden thread glistened and the design was sophisticated in its simplicity. It was elegantly made.

May Yu smiled in awe. Even Shaoran was taken aback with what Sakura was able to do.

"She is amazing. I could never do something like that."

"That's because you never had the patience to make sure every detail was perfect." Shaoran commented.

"Hey! I resent that." May Yu replied. Shaoran grinned. Shaoran turned to leave. May Yu started following him. "Why is it that all of you men just cringe and not admit your feelings to her?"

"Who said anything about having feelings for her?"

"Come on, Xiao Lang. I might not be brilliant in making up defense plans or deducing complicated knowledge but I'm not stupid nor am I blind. And I won't definitely won't be surprised if one of you has fallen in love with her."

Shaoran smirked again. "Ok, May Yu. If you ask me, I think you have been watching or reading too many dramas. You are fishing for information that you are not even certain about. As for having feelings, I admire her that's it. Ask Yukito or Eriol how they feel if you are so desperate to know."

"Why are you so defensive then?"

"I'm not defensive." Shaoran answered sternly.

"Yeah right." May Yu said under her breath.

"Hey how are Inna and Maya by the way?" Shaoran said to change the subject.

"They're fine. You know Inna. She is the strong one and wouldn't let out for anything, especially now that Maya needs her."

Shaoran nodded. "Yukito just left and I will be leaving too in a couple of hours."

"Don't worry I'll look after them. And you don't have to ask, that also goes without saying that I'll also look after Sakura for you." May Yu answered, teasing him a little.

"Just stay out of trouble while I'm gone." Shaoran said.

"You know me brother. I wouldn't even dream of it." May Yu said.

"That's what I'm afraid of. Like I said, just stay out of trouble." Shaoran said before walking off.

May Yu just watched him leave. She shook her head. No matter how much Shaoran might deny it, May Yu knew that he had learned to like Sakura. If it were just mere friendship or something else, it was yet to be seen. It was nothing but amusing which ever angle May Yu looked at it.

Shaoran, on the other hand, seemed to be thinking of what May Yu had just said. It was rather straightforward in a way. But he had no time for that. He had other things to attend to, other things to worry about. He can't just stop and lose himself. Major consequences will happen if he slipped up. Perhaps it was being stubborn on his part, but if it meant keeping his family, his people alive, then so be it he figured. He was about to go in the front and meet informants of his. Beyond the walls of the palace, of the city, it was war. People were dying every minute out there. It was serious business. He had no time for games. He had no time to think of his hearts desire. That was his curse as the king…he can't just stop and let his desires rule the way he was going through his days. Being king meant a great responsibility on his shoulders that he can't just simply ignore. Somehow, thinking things to be like that, it felt like it stabbed him in his heart.

(to be continued…)

The Saviors of God by Nikos Kazantzakis is not mine. I studied it when I took up philosophy of humanities. I can tell you that it is very complicated and yet simple. It's a good read for philosophy buffs out there. Also, the meaning of chrysanthemum is true. In Asia, it usually means lamentation, death or funeral while in the US it means happiness, positive, cheerful. Not to mention it's the symbol for the Japanese Emperor and the royal family. It's the only flower I know that possesses the double meaning I needed. I would also like to acknowledge it in its usage in the Chinese flick 'The Curse of the Golden Flower'. I like that movie. Hehe. Crush on Prince Jai hehe kidding. Well anyway, thanks for those who continuously supported this fic of mine. I know two very strong-head people are finding it hard to admit that they are starting to fall for each other but hey there are actually some people out there who are afraid to fall in love because of that baggage they carry. Anyway, please do send in what you think. It will be pretty much appreciated. Thanks.

Michiko