Chapter Twenty-One: Bittersweet Symphony

Revised: April 26, 2009

EPOV

Part One - Sing for Absolution

I fell into a daze as Jasper left the room; his words repeating themselves over and over in my head at a deafening tone.

"True love is a rarity and once you lose it...Edward, you'll never get it back."

I thought about this for over a week now. I debated every second of the day, with every intake of breath, whether or not I should go through with this day's plan. I debated on whether or not I should have picked up the phone and call her...my Bella...

"She's been locked up in her room: not eating, not sleeping...she has become a zombie."

My cowardly acts left Bella's very soul in shambles. It nearly killed me to think that Bella was this unhappy; this utterly disappointed. I was too chicken shit to stay true to my word. I didn't give Bella what she wanted most: a sense of love, devotion, and commitment. I made her hide in the shadows out of mere convenience; to avoid any complication that may occur.

"Follow your heart for once, man. Whatever you decide...make sure it is the right choice..."

What the hell was I doing here? What possessed me to continue carrying out Tanya's wishes for the ideal when I was more than reluctant to participate?

Simple: I was afraid.

I had let Tanya's threats break me down. I could have cared less if she got my doctorate revoked or I lost that contract with the hospital, but then she brought Bella into this...put her education and future at stake.

Then I remembered what Bella had said to me the night we reconciled. We were in the bed, my arms wrapped protectively behind her back. I was talking to her about Tanya and the threats, giving her more details about the actions Tanya could take to bring us to our knees. After I told Bella how Tanya's mother was the head trustee of Columbia's board and how that could affect Bella's future at the school. I remember waiting as she took all my information into consideration. I was scared to death that it'd scare her off. Then, with those sparkling chocolate brown eyes staring deep into mine, she surprised me.

"Edward...I don't care. I don't care about Columbia. I don't care about a future that doesn't involve you. You....that's all I want. If that means losing everything, then I'm prepared. I am not capable of living in a world without you...it'd be like living without air."

Her voice, heavenly, filled my head as the memory replayed over and over. The only reason why Bella didn't fight Tanya back was because she thought this marriage was something I wanted.

Was it?

The answer finally dawned to me as the sun began to seep through the cathedral's stained glass. Finally, the morning rain stopped and, like a sign, the sun casted rays into the once darkened dress room. There was beauty. There was hope. Lastly, there was truth.

I opened the door leading out to the hallway and began my trip to the altar. I was mentally prepared to take on my predator while I unleashed some ungodly confessions in front of God and his jury made of Chicago's gossip girls and social kings.

There is a time, a place, and a purpose; according to our wedding invitations.

And this was it.

Part Two: Turn! Turn! Turn!

Four o'clock flew forward and soon enough I was standing on the altar, prepared and unafraid of my decision. I knew I had to do this. I watched as everyone stood to greet her as she walked down the aisle toward me; a fake smile plastered on her face. I felt my anger begin to brew.

She took her spot beside me. The priest began his sermon before moving into the rites of marriage. Now, more than ever, I was glad we decided to go forward on a simple ceremony rather than the Catholic tradition. She would look over at me with that smile of gratification that I "came crawling back."

I smiled back at her, playing along in a game that she was unwillingly a participant now.

My eyes locked with hers when prompted by the priest as he began my vows. I waited patiently as he came to the most pivotal question of my life:

"Edward, do you take Tanya to be your lawfully wedded wife? To honor, respect and to hold her needs before your own. To keep her as your one true love as God has ordained, for all of your life. This day do you affirm before God and all witnesses your undying loyalty and pledge to forsake all others for her? To uphold her in sickness and health, to be her best friend, sharing in your happiness and sorrow, to always have compassion and love without reservation or reward. Though life may be rich or poor, to her alone will thee hold. To her this day before God do you pledge this vow?"

I looked at Tanya through the veil and with a smirk, I let go of the answer I've been preparing for all morning.

"No."

Her smile quickly contorted into a menace, "Edward....quit goofing off..." She looked at the priest then at the church full of socialites, "H-he's such a kidder..."

I looked at her with disgust as I pulled the boutonniere off my tux, tossing it to the floor. "I'M NOT KIDDING. I'M DONE, TANYA. I have been done, damn it! I told you I wanted to end this and you put me on the spot! Threatening to get my dad fired from the hospital, threatening to get Emmett booted from the police force, threatening not only my future but Bella's future..."

I turned to face the crowd, on a roll and no longer afraid, ready to break my secret, OUR secret. A secret that wasn't dirty to begin with, but was full of promise. I breathed in and yelled as loud as possible. "Father, I have sinned! I have sinned for ever thinking I can go through with this falsehood of a relationship! I beg your forgiveness for even thinking Tanya, this spawn of the devil, was worthy enough to be my wife. Please forgive me for leading my true mate on all this time...please...give me the strength to fight for Bella...my one and only true love."

I turned to thump a shocked Emmett in the arm, "Can you take me to 18 E. Congress? I need to get Bella back before I screw up even more..."

Emmett grinned, "Sure thing, little bro...thank god you decided not to marry that bit-opps...sorry dude..." Emmett crossed himself once before taking the keys from his pocket. I looked to see Jasper, smiling smugly at Tanya before looking over at me. I grinned back.

"Thanks."

He nodded, "Just go. Get her. Love her. "

I nodded as I began to rush down the aisle, leaving the perfect world of white picket fences, seven figures, and utter boredom behind.

It was time for some imperfections.

Part Three: This Bitter Pill

We finally made it to 18 E Congress and in moments, I'd see my Bella: the girl I wanted to spend my life with. Emmett parked the hummer as I ran into the lobby and up the stairwell, not wanting to wait for the ancient elevator. The same elevator we connected in several months ago. I smiled, taking two steps at a time, as I remembered the smell of her hair, the way she parted her lips in mid-moan as I kissed her soft neck.

Soon, we will be together. Soon, we will not have to hide.

I made it to her apartment door and knocked. No answer. I knocked again before finally giving up and retrieving the spare key hidden on top of the door frame. Quickly, I unlocked the door. That's when I got that uneasy feeling...it was far too quiet.

"Bella?"

My eyes ghosted around the living room. Nothing out of place...until I saw the burgundy stains varying in size on the white carpet. I reached down to stroke the smaller stain, allowing the liquid to stain my fingertips. The spot was still damp. I brought my fingers to my nose, smelling the faintness of wine.

"Bella? Are you home?"

I stood back up and began to follow the trail of wine down the hall, leaving the front door open for Emmett. That uneasy feeling gradually grew as I heard music coming from her bedroom. Her door was partially open and the room was dimly lit by the Christmas lights that hung on a bookshelf above her desk.

As I came closer, I saw her small, pale feet. Then her black silk covered legs...she was lying down on the floor, evidently on her stomach.

"Bella? Baby?"

I peered inside and gasped at the sight. Her face was covered by the curtain her hair created, her arms lying outstretched above her head. The flimsy black robe splayed out across her body.

She must have tripped and fell. She is not the most graceful creature. I went over to her and rolled her carefully on her side, her head falling to the side. There was a rather large gash in her forehead. I quickly took off my coat and balled it up to use to apply to the wound.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

"Bella...come on, answer me, damn it...please..."

I reached down to caress her check only to be stunned by how cool and clammy her skin was compared to its normal temperature. My eyes scanned the room for the culprit item she tripped over. That's when I saw them...

The shattered wine glass and a few stray pills...white pills...my mind went back to what she had told me weeks ago...

"Alice was the one that found me....I was lying on the kitchen floor, the butcher knife still in my hand...she called 911...I got to the hospital in enough time to receive stitches and a psychiatric evaluation..."

No....no....please God.....not her.....

Emmett came rushing into the room before I could react. "Oh my god...Edward..."

My body went rigid and I went into doctor mode. "Emmett...I need you to call the paramedics...and tell them that there has been a suicide attempt..." I felt for her pulse, careful not to move her too much in fear she had suffered damage from the fall. I breathed a sigh of relief as I caught trace of something in her wrist. "Tell them her pulse is slower than average, but steady and that there is head trauma..."

Emmett nodded and quickly dialed 911 on his cell, reporting Bella's condition and our location as I hurried around the room looking for the pill bottle. Not seeing it anywhere, I ran out of the room and began my hunt. Bella most likely took the pills in the kitchen. I ran into the small kitchenette and began tearing it apart for the bottle. I needed to find out what she had taken if I was going to help her at all. Frantic, I rummaged through the trash can, relieved to find an orange pill bottle with Bella's name on it. I held it under the streaming sunlight coming from the window above the kitchen sink.

Alprazolam: used for panic disorders, depression, anxiety. Overdose can lead to confusion, decreased body temperature levels, weakness, loss of balance or coordination, feeling light-headed, fainting, comas...

Death. Alcohol only increased the effects.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I ran back to her room. Emmett was down next to her giving her mouth-to-mouth. His job as a police officer made him knowledgeable in these types of situations. I looked around the room, in avoidance to seeing Bella in such a fragile state for it was killing me. I saw the boxes: neatly marked with names of new ownership. I noticed how bare her room was and realized that she planned each detail of her death...her attempt at death...like Tanya planned the wedding.

The tears didn't fall until I heard the song that she had playing on loop on her phonograph. I went over to look at the label of the 45:

Marjorie Fair - The Empty Room

Right below the title, there was something written in Bella's handwriting. I stopped the record and peered down to see what it said, catching a glint of gold in my eye...Bella's ring was resting in the center of the 45, an arrow pointed from the ring down to Bella's note. I covered my mouth to hold in my wails...

Edward....this doesn't matter anymore.