Sitting on the bus Thursday afternoon I tried to make sense of my life. To my own surprise I found that it wasn't all that hard. My life wasn't messy, it simply just sucked and every time I seemed to move a step forward towards something better, someone would jump in and punch me right back to where I'd started at. I'd just not expected Mom to end up being one of my many worries.
She hadn't mentioned anything about my sexuality since I discovered the leaflets a few days ago. She hadn't even touched the topic of girlfriends though it had become her favourite subject to discuss. She just acted as if nothing had ever happened between us, smiled at me and gave me a few more coins for lunch or 'whatever I felt like spending them on' as she would put it. Still I kept them at home in my drawer. I didn't dare to bring anything of value to school in case someone decided to raid my bag. They'd take money from me before and since I had scratched Peter's face into bleeding, they've really been looking out for me. I couldn't help but to wonder if they would soon become violent with me. That was how it always ended in movies - with a harsh beating. I shuddered at the thought and forced myself to close my eyes as I leaned up against the window. If they really decided to gang up on me, I would have no chance of defending myself. I would be like a fly fighting a spider after having been caught up in its web. It was a battle that had already been lost before it started.
I was so caught up in my pathetic metaphor that I didn't even notice the girl that had shown up next to me. It wasn't before she repeated her words a third time that I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up: "Is it okay if I sit here?" Jennifer was standing next to me. She had her hair put up in a ponytail, and her eyes had been lined with heavy, black make-up. She looked like a model. I immediately felt repulsed. Still I grabbed at my bag and dragged it to the floor between my legs.
"Sure." She sat down next to me with a kind smile. I shortly glanced around the bus before looking out the window again. There were plenty of empty seats.
"What are you up to?" she asked me and turned in her seat so that she was partly facing me. I shrugged and glanced back at her.
"I'm on my way home?" She nodded.
"Alright."
"Yeah.." I peeled a thread out of my jacket just to do something with my hands. I wanted to look as if I was too busy to talk to her, but I couldn't exactly pull forward a book now and start reading. It would be rude and she would surely be able to tell that I was trying to get rid of her. I didn't want to be mean, I just wanted for her to go away.
"I'm on my way to the library." I raised my brows uninterested.
"Oh?"
"Just to study a bit. Do you want to go?" I shook my head and wrinkled my brows at her odd question. She just shrugged. "Okay."
"Was that what you wanted to ask me?" I asked and looked into her eyes as she acted surprised.
"I didn't want to ask you anything in particular, we're just talking, right?"
"Are we really?" I looked back out of the window. She was quiet for a moment.
"Is something wrong?" she then asked gently and I huffed shortly.
"You don't have to be stupid."
"Sorry, but I don't get it."
"Well, neither do I." I looked back at her, this time not hiding away my annoyance. I'm sure it was glowing from my eyes. "You're with Alfred. And I'm not even his friend anymore. I see no reason for us to talk." I could tell she was hurt, but I didn't flinch. She bit her lower lip and looked down at her hands resting in her lap.
"I'm really just trying to be nice."
"You shouldn't."
"I know you have it rough."
"It's none of your fucking business."
"It is!" She almost yelled the words. I glanced around the bus. A few heads had turned, and when I looked back at Jennifer, her cheeks had gotten red and she leaned a bit forward in embarrassment. She peeked at me from the corners of her eyes. "You used to be friends. And Alfred still talks about you," she whispered.
"He does?" I blurted out a bit too quickly. She smiled, but I shook my head at her indifferent. "It doesn't matter. He's been a jerk."
"I just wish I knew what has been going on between you." I glared out the window again. The sincerity of her words almost made me feel sick.
I didn't want for her to care. I didn't want for anyone to care for what had been going on between Alfred and me. It was in the past and I surely would've liked for it all to have gone differently, but it hadn't. Alfred wasn't gay and he couldn't accept the fact that I was because he wanted to be popular. The more unpopularity I was faced with, the more I understood him and the angrier I became. It was hard not to be accepted. It was horrible going to school knowing that someone hated me because of what I did behind closed doors. Still Jennifer was sitting here expecting for me to just open up to her. But I couldn't open up to someone straight. How should someone like her be able to understand what I was going through? She could hold hands with Alfred in public and kiss him and everyone would just think that they were cute. But if I held hands with a man and kissed him, people would think we were putting on a show or being gross. I had to mind my every step. She only had to mind her make-up. We really had nothing in common but the fact that we both knew Alfred. Though talking to her made me wish I didn't.
"You should ask Alfred," I finally said. She hadn't expected for me to speak up again and she just stared at me with a painful look to her eyes. "Because if he wants for you to know, he'll tell you."
"I'm afraid to. I care for him," she said, "because I really like him." Her words stroke me as odd. She liked him? Didn't she love him? Wasn't a couple supposed to be together because of love and not like? I'd loved Alfred. I quickly grabbed my bag and pushed my way past her.
"I'm getting off here," I said and moved forward in the bus to get out. She got up and followed me.
"You don't live here," she said. I wondered from where she knew that.
"I do," I still lied and didn't look back as I thanked the driver and jumped off the bus. She stopped in the door, blocking it so that people couldn't get in. I turned to look at her with a scowl. "What?"
"I'm really sorry about all that's been going on," she said. I hesitated. As she walked back into the bus, I spat:
"Like hell you are."
It was a long walk home. I'd gotten off three stops too early and by the time I arrived at the front door, I had red cheeks and sweat down my back. Mom had already left for work and Dad hadn't come home yet. I locked myself in and went to the kitchen to grab something to eat. I noticed a note from Mom on the fridge. 'Be good!' it said. I wasn't sure whether it was aimed at me or Dad.
Looking at all the small notes and postcards she'd put up over time, I started to ponder. I'd been reminded of the leaflets again. Just what kind of things had she discovered in them? What kind of questions did she have and what answers had they given her? I glanced out the door and through the living room towards the bedroom. I wanted to know and in a rush of curiosity I hurried to open the door and slip around the bed to the table to look for the leaflets. They weren't there. I lifted her novels and the lamp and even flickered through the pages of her magazines, but she'd taken them all and put them elsewhere. I just didn't know where. I looked around. Little light was making its way through the gap between the two, heavy curtains, and I felt as if I had walked into a cave of heat and privacy. I knew I wasn't supposed to be in there, but I had a strong feeling that she hadn't thrown out the brochures.
I think I convinced myself that it was my right to know what was going on in the flat, so I didn't even feel guilty as I started searching the closets. It wasn't until I dropped to my knees and peeked underneath the bed though that I discovered a small box. I pulled it out and cringed as I opened it to take a look. I recognized the nicely wrapped up dildo I'd discovered when a kid, but which I hadn't known the use for back then. Next to it was a pair of handcuffs and tied up in a bundle were the leaflets I was looking for. I tried to tug them out without touching anything else and sat back onto the floor with my back facing the box. I untied the ribbon and looked through the papers. She had a lot of the same brochures and there were only four different kinds. Two of them generally explained LGBT-rights (and what LGBT even meant - luckily, as it was a word I'd never heard before), the other two focused on gay men. I shortly glanced up at the clock above the bed. Dad could come home any minute now and as I felt pretty sure Mom hadn't told him about these leaflets, I wasn't interested in being the one to explain why she had them. I looked back down at the brochures. Because she had so many of the same kind, I supposed she wouldn't notice if one of two had been taken, so I picked out the two leaflets about being gay and tied the other ones back up into a bunch. I neatly tucked everything away in the box again before pushing it in underneath the bed. I'd hardly gotten back up standing before I heard the front door open.
"I'm home!" Dad called. I hurried out of the bedroom and closed the door quietly. The leaflets were hidden away in the pocket of my jeans. I snatched a random book out of the bookcase as I headed for the door and peeked out into the hallway. Dad was dripping water onto the floor.
"Hey," I greeted, and he looked up as he peeled off his gloves. "Is it raining outside?"
"It's pouring down," he said and blinked at me amused. "You didn't notice? Have you been sleeping?" I waved at him with the book.
"Just reading. I suppose I got caught up." He turned his head a bit as he eyed the title.
"You're studying Jane Austen?" I looked down at the book and felt my cheeks redden.
"Oh…" Dad laughed and messed up my hair.
"You have been sleeping," he just assumed and shook his head. "Did you see Mom?"
"No.." I just said and felt relieved that he didn't assume else but sleep. I smiled at him. "She had left by the time I got home."
"Hmm.." He reached down to untie his shoes, but then he regretted and straightened up again. He gave me a long look. "So it'll just be the two of us tonight?" I shrugged.
"Seems like it." He reached over, grabbed my jacket off of the hanger and threw it at me.
"Let's go to the pub and have fish and chips." I caught my jacket surprised.
"Uh, okay?" He smiled at me. I felt strangely happy.
"Is there a lot of work these days?" Dad was drowning his chips in salt. I was poking mine around in a bit of ketchup while watching him awkwardly. We hardly ever hung out anymore. When I was younger, he would often try to do things together with me, but not once since we moved had he talked to me while I was on my own. He'd only noticed my existence whenever Mom was around. I'd started to believe he just couldn't care less for me.
"It's great," he said and finally put the salt down before picking up a few chips with his fingers. "If we stay busy like this, we'll be able to go on a vacation this summer."
"Oh? That's nice, I guess." We'd gotten a table in the corner of the pub. Because of the rain a lot of people had come in from the street to dry off and have a beer. The chatting around us was cheerful and the men all seemed to know Dad. He kept waving and nodding at people I'd never seen before.
"Mom has been a bit strange recently," he suddenly said and I looked towards him.
"She has?"
"You haven't noticed?" He picked up his glass of beer. I felt a worry starting to build up in my body. I really hadn't, but I could easily figure out a reason why he would think so. She'd paid me more attention since I discovered the leaflets, so maybe he'd felt a change in her as well. Still I shook my head.
"I think she's as she's always been." I tried to concentrate on my fish. The white meat peeked out at me from between the bread crumbs. I cut off a piece of the fish and ate it slowly.
"It might be work," Dad pondered out aloud. I didn't answer. "She's getting busy as well. At least she's not at home as much."
"Oh?"
"I guess the times are changing." Dad sipped his beer before returning to his chips. We were quiet for a while. Then he laughed: "We're turning the flat into a man's home." I smiled awkwardly at him.
"Yeah."
"We should do this more often." He raised his brows at me as he stuffed his mouth with chips. Then he got busy waving at some friend. I looked down at my plate.
"We should."
The next day I'd wanted to talk to Scott about Mom and Dad and Jennifer and ask what he thought about it all. I knew he had fewer explanations than I did, but somehow I felt it would calm me down to get a second opinion on it all. He was impossible to get a hold of, though. Oscar had apparently arrived in England on Thursday and he was going to spend the weekend at his place. Scott left early to go pick him up from some bus stop in town and I was left to eat lunch by myself.
"Do come to the slam tonight," he'd told me before he left, "I'll bring Oscar. You guys have to meet!" I'd just smiled and said that I would be there. I knew I would because Daniel would surely be there as well. Though I knew it was selfish of me, I cared more for seeing Daniel again than I did for meeting Oscar.
Because Scott couldn't pick me up that evening I had to get the bus. I bought a return ticket though, which meant I had to leave the slam pretty early to get back home, but I figured a few hours would be enough time for me to get around doing everything I had in mind. Somehow I liked it that way, because I would have an excuse for leaving before things got too heated up. I wasn't sure what an experienced guy like Daniel would expect from me, but somehow I had the feeling that we wouldn't just be jerking each other off every Friday. Whether it was a fact or a hope, though, I wasn't quite sure.
I arrived at the place pretty early hoping to hang out with Matthew and Marco for a bit before the actual slam started, but I'd hardly entered the backyard before a voice reached me. Someone was talking loudly and quickly, and it wasn't in a voice I recognized. As I slowly approached the stairs, I started to make out words like 'swimming' and 'competitions' and 'medals'. Others were chatting as well, but no one could drown out this particular person and I curiously pushed the door and peeked inside to see who it was.
A group of people had gathered in the corner where I would normally sit with Scott. I couldn't see him, but I soon noticed that Matthew and Marco had moved to sit close to the stage. They were looking rather upset. I made my way in between the tables to them as I glanced towards the group of people. The voice was now overwhelmingly loud:
"But that was just in Russia, of course. I appreciate the French more. They're very stuck up, dear, but it's somewhat charming!" I leaned against the backrest of Marco's chair and smiled at Matthew.
"What's up?" Matthew poked at his bottle of soda and looked up at me with a tired smile.
"Oscar's here," he said. I blinked.
"Is that Oscar's voice?" I asked, but before he got around answering me, Scott poked his head up from the crowd and waved at me.
"Arthur!" he called, for a second making the loud voice shut up before it continued. "Come and meet Oscar! Oscar, Arthur's one of my best mates-" He sat back down at the table. I shortly shrugged at Matthew before I moved in between the people at the corner-table until I was right in the middle. Scott was sitting next to a smaller, lean guy with wild, red locks of hair and shining green eyes. His skin was nicely tanned and a tad freckled. He didn't even look at me before Scott patted his shoulder and gestured towards me. "This is Arthur I've been telling you about." I felt slightly flattered that he'd been talking about me and I reached forward my hand.
"Hey," I said cheerfully, and Oscar shook my hand weakly with a crooked smile.
"Hello there," he nodded. He pulled his hand back. "So you're the one who just came out?" I felt a bit taken aback.
"I wouldn't say just-.." I mumbled, but I was cut short:
"The one who chased that Alfred-guy, right?" I glared at Oscar. Scott cleared his throat.
"You were just telling us about that competition in France, right?" Oscar seemed to lighten up at the mentioning of France and he happily nodded.
"Yes! So, as said, this French hotel-…" Oscar started telling the group about some fancy place he'd been sleeping at and how all the French girls adored his medals - which he apparently won in dozens. Scott slipped out of his seat and grabbed my arm as he pulled me back out of the group again. I was giving him a glare.
"You told him about Alfred?" I sneered.
"We were just chatting," Scott said and tried to pat my shoulder, but I moved away from him and crossed my arms. He looked back over his shoulder. "Like I chat to you about Oscar."
"You've never chatted to me about Oscar. You never even told me his name. I had to get it from Daniel."
"Daniel?" I sighed:
"The guy you cheered me on for seeing?"
"Oh, right." I could tell that he wasn't listening. I just shook my head.
"We can talk later," I said and tried to smile though I didn't feel like it. "You haven't seen him for long."
"Thanks." Scott smiled at me, and he didn't hesitate getting back to the table and Oscar. I rolled my eyes and turned to sit down next to Marco.
"Can you believe it?" Matthew asked me and grinned. I shook my head again.
"I wouldn't think such a bragging guy would be Scott's type," Marco said.
"I just can't believe he's been telling Oscar about me."
"Good things?" Matthew asked. I leaned back.
"Apparently Alfred-things."
"Oh…" Both Matthew and Marco raised their brows and looked at each other. I felt almost bad for pulling them into it.
"Sorry to hear that," Matthew said. I tried to shrug it off.
"Never mind."
"How is Alfred these days?" Marco asked though he seemed uninterested.
"I don't know. I don't talk to him. Jennifer stopped me on the bus, though." Matthew offered me his soda and I took a gulp. The sweet taste made me grunt.
"What did she want?" Matthew asked.
"She wanted to know what's been going on between Alfred and me. As if I would tell her." I wasn't sure how much Matthew knew as I'd never fully explained things to him, but I knew he had gotten the general idea. If not from me, then from Alfred. I had a feeling Alfred had told him some things in spite. As sorry as I had been back then about them hating each other, just as happy was I for it now.
"What a thing to ask you," Marco said and shook his head.
"I know, right!" He patted my back.
"Now, forget all about Alfred tonight. And even Oscar if you can overhear him." We both snickered and peeked towards the crowd at the table. "I hear Daniel's coming later." I looked at him. I knew he could tell how excited I was from the look on my face and he merely winked at me.
"Thanks," I said. Then I turned to Matthew as I looked for a new topic to discuss. "So… Are you getting on stage tonight?"
Scott had no time for me and the way he and Oscar hid in the corner all evening to kiss made me wonder why they didn't just stay at home in the first place. They clearly didn't want much company unless people came by to praise Oscar or admire him for being a great swimmer. I was surprised to find that Scott didn't seem the least bothered. Rather he was shining proudly sitting next to Oscar and he would smile at me whenever he caught me looking. It was somewhat pathetic and somewhat cute. I tried to remind myself that they had been apart for a long time and that they would of course want to spend time together. Maybe Oscar was an alright guy when not surrounded by admiring lads. I promised myself that I would try to speak to him later.
As it got later though, Daniel showed up. I wasn't sure if he'd been there the whole time or if he'd just arrived, but I didn't notice him until he came up from behind and placed his hand on my shoulder. I looked up and found him smiling. "Do you have a moment?" he asked. Marco gave me a knowing look.
"He does," Matthew chirped and I hushed at him and got up.
"Where are we going?"
"Just outside." He showed me the two beers he'd already bought and nodded towards the entrance. I shortly looked towards Oscar, but he had his face buried somewhere in Scott's shirt. Then I nodded:
"Alright." I followed Daniel outside to the bench at which we'd first met. We sat down and he opened the bottles and handed me one of them. I accepted it and took a sip.
"What an airhead, hah?" he grinned and puffed my shoulder. I shortly choked on the beer.
"Who?"
"Oscar."
"Oh. Yeah.." I looked at the bottle and smiled a bit.
"He's full of himself. Christ." I couldn't help but to laugh. It was chilly outside, but still I had my jacket zipped open. Daniel wasn't wearing anything on top but a blue vest closed tightly around his shirt. I glanced at it and only then noticed the little bow tie that was hanging around his neck as well.
"Going somewhere?" He looked down and corrected the bow.
"Yeah, I'm not staying here for long. A single beer and then I'm off."
"Anything fancy since you're dressed up?"
"A blind date." I nodded and looked back down at my beer. I couldn't help but to wrinkle my brows disappointed. Still I tried to sound cheerful:
"So you won't have time for me this evening?"
"Depends on how quick you are." We gave each other a short stare. Then we both snickered and looked away.
"The way you put it.." I mumbled.
"Yeah." Then I got busy emptying my bottle. I gulped down the beer as if I was dehydrated. Daniel gave the bottom of the bottle some pushes to make it go faster, but he was laughing all the while. As my bottle was empty, he handed me his own as well, and I just started drinking it without questioning his actions. I figured he liked getting me a bit tipsy and in the mood, or maybe that was just what he normally did when with guys. I knew it wasn't to make me feel special. Then he wouldn't have mentioned his so-called blind date. Still I found myself not even bothered. He'd still shown up here just to see me first. That was enough of a flatter to me.
As the second bottle was empty he grabbed it from me without a word and put it on the ground. His fingers shortly touched mine as he did so, and I couldn't help but to feel a thrill go down my spine. I glanced at him and he looked back at me with a bit of a shy smile that almost made me melt. He looked around. "Let's go over there," he said and though I didn't know where he meant, I followed as he took a hold of my wrist, and led me towards a corner of the yard. There was a slight deepening in the wall leading into a door. "It's locked," he said.
"How do you know?"
"Behind it are the toilets we were in," he explained, "it's locked because it's never used."
"Oh…" I wasn't sure why he was telling me all this, but then he suddenly grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me up against the door. I was about to yell out as it hurt, but his lips smacked to mine and I could feel how caringly he kissed me. I realised he was just trying to hide us away and slowly my arms slipped around his broader waist as I let him step all the way in close to me and kiss me more deeply. I felt excited and confused. After the last time's quick jerk off I hadn't thought him to be one to kiss this slowly and lovingly, but I surely didn't mind. I tipped my head back and parted my lips as his tongue started stroking across them. He didn't dig in immediately. He kissed and licked at the corners of my lips and he sucked at the thin skin by my mouth before he finally let the tip of his tongue follow my teeth. I could taste his warm breath and smell his heavy deodorant. It made my nostrils widen and my heartbeat speed up. His big hands felt up my shoulders and then slipped down my chest and stomach, and soon I felt the cold fingertips on the bare skin of my stomach as his hands slipped up underneath my shirt. I gasped in air loudly and he shushed at me shortly before kissing me with a smile. I didn't know what to do. My arms had dropped to hang by my sides, and I closed my hands into two tight fists as I leaned back up against the door and tried to relax.
Daniel didn't seem to mind that I didn't do much. He pecked my lips, then my cheek and followed it all the way to my ear. As he started sucking on the earlobe, his hands slipped further up and I soon felt his palms crossing my nipples which had hardened in the cold air. I gasped in air again and as he shushed at me, I whimpered slightly. His tongue dug into my ear. "Do you like that?" he asked in a whisper. I nodded hectically and he pinched my nipples.
"It feels… nice," I moaned, slightly embarrassed by how easily I was turned on. He laughed lightly and kissed my ear, and I finally got the courage to reach forward and tug at his belt. It was the first thing my fingers caught a hold of and I simply followed it to the front where the buckle was. He nuzzled his nose to my neck encouragingly and I swallowed before placing my hand flatly on top of the bulge in his jeans. The rough fabric was holding it back a lot, but still I could feel the shape and the warmth from his cock tugged up behind the zipper. I caressed the shape carefully, but as he stepped in closer, I took a stronger hold around it and he moaned delighted.
"Just touch me," he whispered and my gaze flickered up to watch the darkening sky as I reached my hands up to feel the soft skin of his stomach. He leaned back and quickly undid the buttons of his vest, before placing his heavy hand on the back of my head and pushing my face closer. I bumped my nose to his chest and muffled a little laugh before my hands pushed the shirt up more and my lips were suddenly brushing against his warm flesh. My heart skipped a beat. I shyly kissed the naked skin and could taste his salty sweat covering it slightly. Daniel stroked his fingers through my hair and down my back as he smacked my ass and I closed my eyes with a heavy groan and kept pecking whatever skin I could reach. My fingers were stroking all over his chest now, feeling up the lines of his muscles which were making my cock harden. I loved strong men. Big, strong men and I felt it was amazing that I was pleasing someone just like that.
Daniel smacked my ass again. Then he grabbed at it and started massaging my buttcheeks through my jeans. I felt my face redden in embarrassment, but it was only shortly as my head was suddenly pushed at. I was pushed downwards. I looked up at him confused, but as he smiled warmly at me, I slowly bended in my knees as I let my lips slip to his navel. It was deep. I let my tongue dig into the hole and he grunted. I could tell he was getting hairier down here. I'd seen it, but not felt it with my lips. A line of dark hair was running from his belly down his pants and as I licked across them, I felt them tickling my tongue, and making me want to taste more of the odd, warm scent that was emerging from between his legs. Daniel pushed me again. This time it was more forcefully and I dropped to my knees and stared into the bulge I'd just fondled.
"Do you suck?" he asked. I blinked and felt myself getting all warm as I realised what he meant.
"I…" I stammered. He reached down and gently nuzzled my hair. His fingers slipped through my locks and to the back of my head, and he pushed my nose in to rub against the bulge in his pants. All air got caught in my throat and I just stared at what was in front of me with my eyes wide open.
"Come on," he whispered in a beg.
"I… I don't…" I stammered again. He looked over his shoulder and then back down at me.
"Do you just want to jerk off?" he asked. I looked back up at him. I must've looked scared though I was all hard and excited and I nodded a bit.
"Y-yes," I mumbled, "I would prefer that."
"Fine." He didn't even sound disappointed. He tugged at my hair, and I stumbled back onto my feet. Immediately he started unzipping and tugging out his cock. He was looking straight at me with a naughty smile on his face. "Such a tease," he said. I hadn't even realised that he could think I rejected him to tease him even more. "Maybe next time, hah?" I just nodded startled and looked down as he tugged out his cock. In the dark it looked even bigger. It was hard and dripping and he let it stand in the air as he waited for me to do something. I reached over and grabbed at it with both hands. Then I let go and just held it with one as I leaned with my head against his chest. He pecked my head. "Maybe next time," he mumbled. Then I started stroking him. The surprise from seconds before was still keeping my throat blocked and I was gasping for air just as much as Daniel was moaning in pleasure. It was as if he'd forgotten all about me, and I didn't even mind. He was rocking his hips upwards to make my hands work on him more throughout and I was following his small hints, and trying to do my best to please him the way he seemed to like it best.
And then he came.
A strong shudder went through his body and I felt his sperm slip down my hands. I let go of him and leaned back against the door as I looked up at him. He had his eyes closed and he was smiling. I caught myself thinking that he looked beautiful.
"Thanks," he mumbled hoarsely, and I nodded and grinned.
"Yeah.." I could still feel my cock all hard and pulsating between my legs. It was almost hurting me. But Daniel seemed to have forgotten about me.
"Maybe you could suck next time," he said. I swallowed. Then I cockily answered:
"Maybe you could suck next time." He looked at me surprised, but then he nodded. The honest way he was looking at me made my mouth water.
"I could," he admitted. He started buttoning his vest and tugging himself back in. I squeezed my legs tightly together. Though I had the right to tell him to help me get off, I heard myself saying:
"You should hurry on." He smiled at me and nodded. Then he leaned in and shortly pecked my forehead.
"See you next Friday," he said and I knew he meant it.
"See you…" Then he headed off. I watched him until he disappeared out the backyard. Then I turned my back to the place, unzipped and quickly jerked myself into relief. I felt almost exhausted. I leaned against the door with a little smile and shook my head. "What a night…" I mumbled and laughed. Little did I know that the night had just begun.
After Daniel had left, I felt I could as well leave myself. There was no reason for me to hang around anymore. Matthew had left with Marco, and Scott and Oscar were slowly making their way in between the tables to get a taxi back to Scott's place. I met them by the entrance as I was getting back in.
"Are you leaving already?" I joked though the answer was obvious. Oscar smiled and shook my hand.
"Yeah, I am daring to drive with this bad boy. Will I see you soon?" Scott interrupted before I'd hardly breathed in:
"Of course you will."
"Have fun," I said and saw them head off. I shortly looked around the basement for a known face, but there was none. Then I headed out as well. The memory of Daniel was still fresh in my memory and the nice, tingling feeling in my cock very real as I headed back down the road towards the bus stop by the shops. I should be able to catch the last bus home and the success of everything fitting together made me feel all warm despite the chilly wind blowing in my face.
I watched the sky as I turned around the corner and sat down on the bench at the bus stop. I somewhat couldn't believe just how far I'd made it in such a short time. Though I'd been aware of my sexuality for quite some time now, it was only just recently that I'd started exploring what being gay means and I hadn't even known Daniel for a month, but still it felt like much longer. I zipped up my jacket and slipped my hands into the sleeves as I made myself comfortable with a happy smile. Who cared if Mom was suspecting anything? She didn't exactly seem devastated and as long as she didn't tell Dad anything, I found that I could get through my last year of high school being happy. It was odd just how unreal the thought of being happy seemed to me. Thinking about it, it wasn't even like I was unhappy. I had Scott - or, well, now I shared him with Oscar it seemed - and I did well in school, and Daniel surely didn't seem to mind hanging out with me. It was all good. It just wasn't happiness. But that could come with time. I just wasn't sure what it would take to make me happy.
Then I heard the shouting: "He'll fuck it up, alright?"
It was Friday evening and therefore people shouting wasn't anything spectacular. What made me turn to look was the familiarity to the voice. I leaned forward on the bench to peek from behind the sign. Around the park from a smaller street a group of boys was coming. I immediately recognised Louis. He was wearing a tight leather jacket and what seemed to be leather gloves. I think he was going for the biker-look. From where I was sitting he looked more dorky than sexy. He wasn't the one speaking, though. He was looking over his shoulder at someone I couldn't see in the dark. As they came closer to the light from the street lamps, I leaned even more forward to peek.
"I won't fuck it up!"
"You will." Laughter.
"I just think the redheads are sexier."
"Hey, mind Jennifer!"
"Shut up, asshole." Louis crossed the light, then came Peter, some guy I didn't know (tall and with glasses), Jennifer and last Alfred. He was watching the ground and his hands were tucked away in the pockets of his jeans. Jennifer looked up at him and tugged at his arm, but he merely smiled at her and shrugged her off. They hardly seemed intimate. I found it weird and amusing at the same time.
"Where should we go? To the League?"
"No, they always ask for ID."
"How about that basement- uh, what was it called?"
"No!" Jennifer spoke up this time with laughter and spite in her voice: "That's where the geeks hang out!" She was wearing a smart, short dress and stuff had been put all over her hair. I watched her carefully as she was about to trip in her high heels. They'd clearly been drinking. I could tell from the odd way she was swinging her arms around and the other guys were jogging back and forth. Not drunk. Just tipsy. Alfred looked the least affected, though. He just looked very sad. I watched his face and the glasses that were slipping down his nose. His face was so perfectly squared, his chin a tad broader than what I remembered, his lips fine and his shirt hugging his body at all the wrong places. He'd never been good at buying fitting clothes. It was charming.
"Hey! I knew I smelled something!" I was still watching Alfred and didn't realise that the guys had turned to watch me before Alfred did as well. I saw the surprise in his eyes, but only shortly as I looked towards Louis. His big lips had been crooked into a grimace. He was pointing at me. "Smells like a fag!"
"Smells like shit," Peter said. The third guy I didn't know just looked at Alfred who looked away with a shrug. I could tell he was saying something. His lips moved, but I heard no sound.
"He's probably had someone inside of him. Messing up the system."
"Let's go to League," Alfred said, this time loud enough for me to hear. He was pushing Peter along who followed without complaining, but Louis was stubbornly glaring at me. Then he spat at the ground and gave me a nasty grin. I waved my middle fingers at him. Wrong decision. Looking back I knew that of course I should've known better than to try and make things worse. But I don't think I even thought about what I was doing. All I could think was: Alfred's hanging out with these idiots. Alfred is an idiot. Then Louis started crossing the street.
"What was that, faggot?" he shouted. Alfred reached out for him, but he didn't catch him before he was already too far away. I straightened up, but I kept seated. "Up for anything, hah? Hah?"
"Come on!" Peter yelled at him.
"We're going to League!" Alfred shouted. "Come on, I'll buy you a beer or whatever." He sounded tired. Louis stopped at the pedestrian walk right in front of me and crossed his arms. He was glaring at me. I glared back. "Louis!" Alfred shouted. Then Louis spat at me. The lump of spit landed right on my cheek and started travelling down my face. I sat completely still.
"Faggot," he mouthed. I could smell the alcohol in his breath. I slowly reached up to dry off the spit, but he spat at me again. "Faggot." This time he said it out loud. I got up and pushed him.
"Does it turn you on?" I asked him. He looked confused for a second.
"What?"
"Spitting on me, touching me - am I turning you on, faggot?" From the corners of my eyes I saw how Peter started crossing the street. Alfred looked baffled. I could tell he hadn't expected anyone to act like this.
"Guys!" he shouted and he looked like he was about to step forward, but Jennifer grabbed him by the arm again and said something to him. I wanted to hear what, but Louis pushed me and I fell back down to sit at the bench. Peter had made it to his side. He reeked even worse than Louis and he reached down and grabbed me by the hair.
"What the fuck are you doing, hah?"
"Let go!" I shouted and tried to get up, but my hair was pulled at and I whined in pain. I started hammering at his hand. "Let go!"
"Guys!" Alfred shouted again. "Stop it!" Then came the punch. I hadn't expected it, though I'd kept telling myself that it would come down to this. Louis hit me harshly right in the stomach and all air escaped my lungs. I gasped in, but a second hit got me. I was being pulled away from the stop now and back around the corner, and I tried to weakly defend myself, but I couldn't. I had tears in my eyes. I gasped in air. They were shouting things I couldn't understand and a third hit was being aimed at my head, but it never hit me. The hand left my hair and I heard Peter cry out in pain. I stumbled backwards and dropped to sit on the ground, and as I looked up I saw Peter with blood dripping from his lips. Alfred's hand was fisted. There really wasn't any doubt who'd caused him the pain.
"Stop it!" Alfred shouted and finally Peter stepped back. Louis grabbed at Alfred's arm, but he turned around and pushed him off. "What the fuck is the matter with you?"
"Are you gay as well now?" Louis asked. Peter was trying to wipe the blood off of his jaw. He glared at Alfred with anger in his eyes:
"Are you a fucking cocksucker, Al?" I got back up standing, but I was still out of breath. I had a hard time not falling and I had to lean up against the wall of the house next to me. I gasped in air.
"Are you fucking insane?" Alfred asked them, but it sounded more like a statement. I could hear the sound of Jennifer running towards us. Her high heels were making loud noises against the asphalt.
"What happened?" she asked bewildered. I felt like kicking her. Had she gone blind for the last few minutes? Alfred turned around to look at me while Louis was stepping around him to get to Peter. I looked up at Alfred. In his eyes I saw confusion and sadness.
"Are you okay?" he asked me and reached out to touch my face, but I backed away from him.
"I don't need your help," I mumbled and looked down.
"Arthur-"
"Alfred, are you bleeding?" Jennifer grabbed at Alfred's hand and started to look at the blood on his knuckles, but it was all Peter's. I slowly straightened up and took in a deep breath. The tears slipped from my eyes and down my cheeks.
"Fuck," I mumbled and pressed my sleeve to my nose.
"Is he crying?" Peter asked. I saw Alfred stepping towards him and Peter and Louis backing away from him.
"Fuck off."
"Weren't we going to the League?" Louis asked. Alfred had turned his back to him and was looking at me. I tried to turn around so that my back was facing him. I didn't want for him to see me like this. I didn't want for him to see me at all. My body was hurting from the hits and the pulling and the fall, and now I was sobbing, and everything sucked, and why should he try to be all heroic now after all the dumb things I'd already went through? The tears dripped onto the ground and I started whimpering. There was a lump of pain in my chest and it was spreading throughout my body. I was hurt. Emotionally more than physically. I hated Alfred. I really did. But I leaned in towards him as he put his arm around my shoulders.
"It's okay," he whispered and I shook my head.
"It's not."
"I didn't know that-"
"But it is." I pressed my face into his jacket. The fabric rubbed to my face and dried off my tears. "It has been like this for fucking weeks."
"I didn't-"
"You never tried." I was being harsh and I could tell that Alfred was hurting, but I couldn't care. And I just wanted for him to hold me. Still I pulled away and backed back up against the wall as Jennifer came closer.
"Are you coming with us?" she asked Alfred in a whisper. He looked at me and shook his head.
"I think you should go."
"I'll be alright," I lied. In the same moment I saw my bus drive by behind Alfred and my eyes widened. "No!" I shouted. Alfred looked over his shoulder.
"What?"
"That was the last bus!" I smacked my arm back up to cover my eyes. The irony made me want to laugh, but the situation was too painful for that. I sobbed in. "Now I can't get back."
"You can't walk?" Jennifer asked. I shook my head and dropped my arm.
"It's too far." Louis and Peter were waiting by the corner together with the third unknown guy. They were looking back at us while whispering intensely with one another. Alfred cleared his throat.
"I've got money for a cab," he said. Jennifer shook her head.
"That's only one way."
"You really don't have to worry about me," I said weakly. I felt a bit like a kid and it all seemed awkward. Alfred was still looking at me. "I'm sure I can find a way."
"No, we'll get a cab," Alfred said. I recognised the stubbornness in his voice. He had one of his rare moments where he wouldn't accept a no. I knew his way of speaking. I learned to understand it when we were both 11 years old and best friends. He'd used the same tone when he told me we would go into Rome's house as an adventure and when he insisted on us going to buy a porn magazine. And now he was using it again after all these years, because he wanted to take care of me.
"Okay," I whispered and nodded. Jennifer looked between us.
"I'm going with you," she said, but Alfred shook his head again.
"No, you'll stay with the guys." She parted her lips to say something, but Alfred put his arm around my shoulders and nodded at her. "It's best this way." She hesitated. Then she slowly shrugged and turned around.
"Alright… I'll see you tomorrow then, right?"
"Right." She looked at him one last time before she walked back up to the group. They didn't even look back at Alfred. They just went around the corner and left. I was still shaking, but I wasn't crying anymore. Alfred's arm felt heavy and warm around my shoulders. For a while we just stood there looking. Then Alfred shook his head with a sigh.
"Don't tell me it's always like this." I rolled my eyes and wriggled free of his arm.
"As if you didn't know."
"I really just thought it was name-calling!"
"Yeah, because that's super innocent." We stared at each other. Alfred's pupils were shaking a bit. Then he looked down the street.
"I know where there are cabs," he said lowly. I nodded. As he started walking, I just followed him. We said no more.
Alfred only had enough money for a cab back to his place. I wasn't at all looking forward to getting to Alfred's, but I had no choice. He promised me that I could make a call from his house and get someone to pick me up, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. Dad wouldn't drive to find me this late at night and Mom wasn't one to bother. She would be working early in the morning. Instead I was told I could sleep over. That was all we said on our way back in the cab.
As I was sitting there watching the lights of the town slip past us, I wondered how two best friends could end up sitting in the back of a car not talking as if they were awkward strangers. We'd been close. Most people know very little about one another when they really have to speak up. Maybe they know each other's favourite dish and preferred colour, and maybe they can let you know how many times the other has been drunk and cried over a lost love. But I knew much more about Alfred than those silly things. I knew that he had a scar on his right knee from having fallen down a tree as a child and I knew that he honoured it as a memory, and I knew that he loved the smell of fresh grass in the morning because it reminded him of his old home in America. I knew that he never tried to be rude, but often crossed people's boundaries anyway. And I knew that he was a good guy. No matter how many dumb mistakes he'd made, he was a good guy. I knew that and that made the silence all the harder on me.
It was close to eleven before we made it to his house. His parents had just went to bed, but the front door had not been locked, so we got inside and tip-toed up the stairs to his bedroom. Everything was as I remembered it. Even as he opened the door to his room, I recognised every little piece of furniture and even the postcards hanging on his wall. A few had been added and a poster of a sexy lady on a car had been put up above his bed instead of Superman. But else it all looked the same.
Alfred pulled the curtains and looked back at me. I eyed the floor and he cleared his throat. "Do you want to, eh, borrow something to sleep in?"
"Just some pants," I said and nodded. He went to his closet and started looking through his stuff, and I sat down on the edge of his bed as I pulled off my shirt and wriggled my jeans off. I left them on the floor while I watched him. He'd pulled off his jacket and run his fingers through his hair, making it look quite messy. But he looked cute. He looked so cute it hurt. As he turned around and held up a pair of old sweatpants, I just had to smile.
"Will these do?" I nodded and he threw them at me. I grabbed them and got up as I started putting them on.
"May I use the bathroom?"
"Go ahead." I made my way to the toilet. Looking around the small bathroom I could tell that he'd pretty much taken over the place. I figured his parents had moved to use the bathroom downstairs, because it was all Alfred's things that had been put up. After having peed I couldn't help but to peek inside the cupboard. I saw shaving cream and razors, napkins and a porn magazine. He had a stack of tins with wax for the hair that seemed not to be used much. On one of them Jennifer had left a message. It was a smiley and a little note saying: please use me. I smiled. It seemed he couldn't care less.
I noticed the small bruise as I looked myself in the mirror. It was a blue mark on my stomach from the punch. As I gently slipped my fingertips across it, I recalled the feeling of Daniel's touch just a few hours earlier. He'd wanted me. He'd lusted for me and felt me up, and I wondered if he would've done the same had he seen this bruise when lifting up my shirt. I patted shortly at the patch and closed my eyes as I tried to remember how Peter had cried out in pain as Alfred hit him. Then I went back to the bedroom.
"Sorry I took long," I mumbled as I pushed the door open, but I stopped in the doorway as I saw Alfred with my jeans in his hands. He was holding onto two crumbled leaflets, and the realisation hit me; I was wearing the same jeans I'd had on when I went to check Mom's box. I slowly closed the door behind and Alfred looked towards me. He dropped the jeans to the floor and gently straightened out one of the flyers. He was looking at it and reading the front, I could tell. I cleared my throat. "They're mine."
"Sorry…" Alfred still held on to them as he sat down on the edge of his bed. He turned one of them over and looked at the back of it.
"It's really serious, isn't it?" I bit the inner of my cheek.
"What do you mean?"
"You really are gay." I sighed as annoyance hit me at once and I walked over and ripped the brochures out of his hands.
"Surprise!" I growled sarcastically. Alfred rested his hands in his lap and shyly looked down.
"I know you've told me, but-"
"But what? You thought it was just a phase?" I was almost shouting. Alfred shushed at me which just made me angrier. "What?"
"You don't have to be so defending all the time," he mumbled. I crumbled the leaflets between my hands as I held them close to my chest. I was watching him carefully as he looked down at his feet and wriggled his toes.
"I'm not," I said.
"Okay," he mumbled. I sat down next to him on the bed though with a few inches of distance between us. I looked at the leaflets. Only now did I realise that one of them had a picture of two boys on front. They were both smiling and holding each other close. I felt my heart skip a beat at the sight.
Alfred was scratching his arm and avoiding eye contact, but now he looked at me. "You're fully gay?" he asked. I nodded:
"I am fully, completely, uncontrollably gay." I said each word carefully. He nodded. I waved with the leaflets and then dropped them to the floor. "But these aren't even mine," I sighed. He blinked surprised. I shrugged. "They're my mom's."
"Your mom's? You've told her?" I shook my head with a short laugh.
"No. I have denied it. And denied it."
"Why?"
"If she found out, then… Well, I don't know what would then happen." I looked at him and he smiled a bit.
"Stupid situation?"
"Yeah…" He looked over at the window. The curtains were fluttering a bit. "Did you know…" I hesitated as I wetted my lips. "That, uhm… I think Mom spoke to your mom." Alfred laughed. I found myself surprised at his reaction.
"I know," he mumbled.
"Oh?"
"Mom was the one who told me that, well.." he peeked at me, "it might just be a phase." I parted my lips and took in a short breath.
"For me?" I asked. He shook his head. My eyes widened and I felt out of breath. "For…" I looked down. "Holy-.. You told your.."
"I haven't said anything. Just… I don't know." He shrugged and looked away. My heart was racing and I could feel my palms getting sweatier.
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked him in a whisper.
"I'm not a bad guy," he said.
"I know," I whispered.
We sat quiet for a while. I tried to think, but I couldn't make sense of anything. I rested my hands by my sides and felt up the duvet while I shook my head. Alfred's hands dropped to his sides as well. I could tell he was looking at me. Suddenly I felt his rough fingertips tickle at my hand. I took in a deep breath. "I'm not like that," I said.
"Like what?" he mumbled. I closed my eyes. His fingertips kept stroking at my hand. Then his hand closed securely around mine. It was big. I could feel the rough palm cover my whole hand and his fingers digging down between my own. And it felt just perfect. "If this is about Jennifer, then…" He shook his head.
"It's not," I whispered. "It's about all the other things."
"Do they attack you often?"
"Not like this," I mumbled and shook my head, "no, just, bullied. I'm sure you've read the poems in the toilet."
"Yeah…" His fingers shortly twitched and I felt my heart was about to burst. I felt like crying. I didn't know why. But I felt like a mess. I took in a deep breath.
"We should sleep," I whispered. I was so quiet I thought he wouldn't hear me, but he said:
"Yeah," and got up. As his hand left mine, I felt cold.
Alfred made the bed in silence. It was as if we just agreed on sleeping in his bed. I could've slept on the sofa or on a mattress on the floor, but we didn't even discuss it. As if we were best friends again, I slipped in underneath the duvet and lied facing the wall, and he came in behind me with his back facing mine. I took in a few deep breaths and then I looked over my shoulder. As I did that, I found him looking back at me as well. Our gazes shortly met and we snickered before looking down again. His heels bumped to mine and I bumped mine back against his. Then I closed my eyes.
"Goodnight," he whispered.
"Sweet dreams," I whispered back. Then we fell asleep.
Note: Well.. haven't you been waiting for Alfred? =u= I've been looking forward to writing about the lad again, so please welcome him nicely!
That put aside - thank you so much for all the reviews! I got some long ones as well, hahah, they're always a joy to read! =u= I'm sorry I didn't get the chapter up sooner, but I only just finished it and had Smart-chan beta'ing it for me (she's teaching me how to put in English commas and I am not doing well at it! Ughh...).
I am very excited for the next chapter and since it's vacation, I should get time to write on it as soon as I return home from England. Please enjoy the summer and I hope you liked the chapter, and again, thank you so much for still reading. It's very much appreciated! =u=