I just closed my eyes and let everything dissolve into nothingness—the feel, the sound, and the weird lingering taste on the back of my tongue.
It's hard. It has always been hard, but everything seemed to change for the worse ever since father died, and it's not just for me.
It was a restless sleep, but I would sometimes feel otherwise. It felt like I was actually awake, except that I knew it better that I wasn't. I wouldn't feel this awake if it was the reality. There is no way it could be anything other than a dream.
White stretched out beyond my eyes. Glass-like surface extended the sky below my feet. It felt like I won't be able to reach the end of this place, but it's not a bad thing. There is nothing holding me back.
Sometimes I would even see other people dreaming. I couldn't talk to them, I couldn't touch them, I was just like the thin air watching over the scene. They leave as soon as their sleep is interrupted, but I would just go to search for someone else's dream.
Dreams aren't always pleasant. Unpleasant dreams happen often as well. I would stay anyway, watching through the whole ordeal. It wouldn't be fair if I run away from the nightmares. I'd see everything; through happiness and through sadness, hoping that the nice dreams would last, and the bad dreams would end.
I didn't feel lonely.
But everything would go back to how it was when I opened my eyes. It was the weight on my chest and the suffocating air that reminded me. And the pang of loneliness…
I didn't always wake up in some kind of pain, but even during the times when I could move around just fine and function like a normal human being, it didn't get any better. I couldn't do much help to ease her hardships, anyway. I couldn't do anything for her.
I know things were hard, but it was… hard knowing that.
So I just closed my eyes and let everything dissolve into nothingness—the worry, the loneliness, and the helplessness for not being able to get that pained smile off her face, even just for once.
Sometimes I wished I could just stay in the dreams forever. I wished I could run around freely. I wished I had nothing to worry; not father's death, not my own health, not that pained smile…
You know, you don't have to stay strong and fake a smile when I'm asleep, Miku. Maybe you would be happier that way.
"Len-kun is asleep."
I heard the words from the nurse, but I can tell that much by myself. On the bed is who she calls 'Len-kun' who appears to stay in an undisturbed sleep despite of the loud footsteps of four people trying to rush into the room.
It went in a blink. In one moment we were sitting in Miku-chan's dining table, and in the next one all three of us were rushing in the hospital corridors. The stares are inevitable, but Kaito-kun didn't stop even just for a moment. Only before we got into the room, the nurse caught up with us, which led us into this situation.
Kaito-kun quickly rushed to the bedside, saying something I can't catch. Miku-chan followed after him, face visibly remorseful as she looked at Kaito-kun, then to the person on the bed. I stayed away from the scene, knowing well that unlike them, I don't know him well enough to feel a strong emotion towards the situation.
Except it's not entirely true. It's Len; the same Len I see in my dreams. There is no warmth on his deathly pale face, his eyes are tightly shut that there's no way I can see the color underneath, leaving only the shape of his face and those loose blond locks for me to recognize. But I know, I just know, that it's him.
"He's not always asleep," came the nurse's voice again, with the heels of her shoes click-clack-ing against the tile. She took the empty spot next to me, face kept straight to the bed. "But that's not saying that he's sometimes awake, either. Of course he wakes up sometimes, but that's just as much as being physically awake could be."
Kaito-kun turned to us. "And what you mean by that is…"
"Even when he's awake, he wouldn't even be aware that he's awake. Of course we have tried everything we can to bring that awareness back to him, but nothing seems to be working. Might actually become worse if this goes on."
"… How long has it been?" Kaito-kun asked again, this time with a cautious voice.
"Almost two years."
And I couldn't help but snapping my head to the nurse standing beside me. Almost two years of being in that state? Almost two years of being unable to wake up?
Suddenly I hear a sniffle. I looked back to the others and found Miku-chan crying. I can't see her crying, but it's obvious from the way she covers her face with her hands, and the sobbing. "I should… have told you earlier," she said between tears. "But I know I'd cry when I do. I'd break when I do. I… am so sorry, Kaito-ku—"
"Hey," Kaito-kun's voice cut through as he clamped her wet cheeks with his hands. "You shouldn't have gone through this all alone."
His voice was slightly trembling. I can't tell if he's crying or not since he's facing away from me, but I guess it doesn't really matter.
My eyes almost wandered back to the figure on the bed when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turn to see the nurse looking at me. "Let's give them some moment," she said before walking towards the door.
I slowly nodded to her, feeling like I had no other choice. Before leaving, I glanced back at the bed, seeing Len still sleeping in a ghastly serene. The murmurs from the bedside go on in the background.
He doesn't stir.
"Isn't it upsetting?" The nurse started a conversation as soon as we took a seat near the nurse station. She asked the question without looking at me, her brown eyes are kept ahead as if staring far away.
"Sure," I replied. "I can't really imagine being in their position, but it is upsetting. I don't know who's taking it harder right now, or maybe it's equally hard for both of them." For Miku-chan, having to go through it by herself must be hard, but I don't think Kaito-kun takes the news any easier. It's about their friend, after all.
Suddenly I found her eyes on me, looking at me with warmth. It helps that her eyes are brown, but that gentleness doesn't simply come from the color of her eyes. "You look pretty upset yourself, the moment you saw Len-kun."
And I'm not going to lie about it. I am. Having a familiar face I thought I wouldn't even see suddenly brought into my vision is upsetting in a way. I finally heard Kaito-kun saying the name of their friend that was always left unmentioned and immediately suspected that it's the same person I see in the dreams. Of course I'm aware of it. But it's hard to accept that… that now I can see him, confined to bed, mostly dependent on IVs to keep on going. Unlike the Len that I see in the dreams, who has a strange mysteriousness yet a very friendly person, the one who I enjoy the company of, the Len that I just saw is barely even alive.
It is upsetting.
I heard a soft sigh from her. "I know that it's hard to accept. You won't think something like this would happen." She turned away again, "Back then, Miku-chan didn't take the news really well. I don't think anyone would, but things had been really rough for her at that time."
As if this alone is not bad enough… "May I ask what happened?"
"Her father had just died some months before."
Suddenly it feels as if something has just punched me in the stomach. But in the middle of that, I can't help but thinking, didn't Miku-chan said that her parents had died long time ago?
"It's their father, actually. You see, Miku-chan was orphaned from a very young age, and she'd been living with Len-kun's family ever since. Len-kun's father was a single parent himself, so it was a family of three," she said, answering my question at once. "With their father gone, it's just the two of them left. And now with Len-kun being in this condition…"
She stopped for a little while, a look of pity plastered on her face. It's quickly gone the moment she opens her mouth again, "You're probably wondering why I know so much about them."
"I am," I answered.
"I've known them for a while. Len-kun often came here, and Miku-chan would tag along. It is a small hospital and the only one in the town, after all. It's natural that we know each other," she said. "And Miku-chan… Miku-chan was a very bright girl, you see. With a single parent and a sickly brother, she's the one who ought to stay optimistic, I guess."
Miku-chan of the past was a bright person, even Len himself told me that.
"But then their father died and… I guess that optimism was gone. And then Len-kun…" she trailed off, voice slightly strained in the end. "I know that she thinks Len-kun will leave her too. I even remember her saying, 'I can't afford losing anyone anymore,' and she actually cut contacts with her friends. Barely anybody came to visit, save from their aunt and a friend I never got to see."
"That's…" I am at loss for words, and I have no idea why I even started speaking. I finally know the cause of her behavior when I first met her, and I'm not sure what to feel. "That's horrible."
"But well, since you're here, I guess that's not true anymore." I didn't turn to look at her, but I can almost hear the smile in her voice. "You're Rin-chan, right? Short blond hair and black hairband; Miku-chan told me about you."
"She did?" I asked for no particular reason. I don't think I should be surprised that the nurse knows my name, but… But I don't know, really.
"Yes. And it's obvious how happy she looks like when she does," she said. "I haven't seen Miku-chan being that genuinely happy for a long time. I mean, sure, there are things to worry about, but it's better not to be worried all the time. I'm glad that Miku-chan finally does that."
Things to worry about… And the fact that I am here is…
Forcing a smile, I looked at the nurse. "I'm happy hearing that."
"I know the reason why I'm here," I told Len the time we finally meet again in the dreams.
The look he gives me afterwards is full of melancholy. He's not smiling or frowning; he's just looking at me with those blue eyes. The eyes I couldn't see, the eyes Miku-chan cannot see…
"Miku-chan," I said, finding it hard to let out the words. "Miku-chan had always been… distancing herself away from everyone just to stop her from hurting even more. Although I know she's also hurting by doing so. Isn't that ironic, if you think about it?"
His eyebrows furrowed, but his lips are still pressed altogether into a thin line. He's not going to say anything, is he?
"And it turns out that it's you. You're the one who took Miku-chan's smile away. Don't you know how hard it's been for her? You don't. You don't even remember who she is."
I'm gritting my teeth. I'm feeling terribly upset.
"I thought Miku-chan is important to you, just as much as how important you are to her. I thought you would make sure that she's happy. I was sure of that!"
I can feel my clenched hands trembling in anger. And as my breath starts to race, I feel the urge to let out the emotion welling inside of me.
"But you have no idea! Miku-chan is hurting because of you! She's afraid that she'll lose you, don't you understand?!"
My anger is suddenly taken over by the overwhelming emotion coming from those words. I was so close to hitting him, as my hand is raised up when I realized it. But now those anger is just gone, and all I feel is this pain in my chest.
The image of his slumbering figure flashed through my mind. The thought of… It's not even about Miku-chan's feeling anymore. I don't want him to stuck asleep in the real world. I don't want to lose him.
I'm too disturbed with the thought that I didn't realize Len is stepping closer to me, and suddenly I'm wrapped in his arms. I can feel him—his warmth, his breath, his heartbeat, his life.
"Wake up," I cried. "Please wake up."
Next Update: March 11, 2019
Thank you for reading!
Ewerton Da Silva Rodrigues — I hope you got your question answered by now. Thanks for the review!