Chapter Twenty-One

The normal relative quiet of the bullpen would be no escape tonight, of that Kate was certain from the events of the past few hours. Within minutes of arriving back in the precinct, agents had swarmed her normal stomping grounds, taken over her desk, her files, her space, even commandeered her freaking white board and Beckett found herself at the end of her rope.

They were either going to catch this guy or they weren't, but she didn't think her team's contribution to the effort was lending any weight at the moment. Everyone was scrambling to identify and locate the various players that were pictured on Kearns' wall of death. The most likely targets were rounded up if they showed an interest in protection, but that proved to be the minority of their contact. For the most part, these criminals were slow to trust the police and federal agencies and instead brushed off the concern in lieu of protecting themselves.

The effort stretched the local and federal man power thin as protection details were placed on those deemed to be higher risk targets in the hopes of apprehending Kearns. Of the dozens of men they had identified with the help of the local gang units, there were only a handful that seemed like they were in a similar position as the men who had already been killed. Still, not wanting to risk losing Kearns or the explosive device, the feds had made it clear surveillance on those unwilling to head to a safe house or be housed in the precinct for a day or two, were to be watched around the clock.

Tension in the bullpen continued to grow to a fever pitch as her team was relegated to menial tasks and sidestepped at every turn. As much as she had been grateful for the assistance in the beginning, something to draw a new end to this day, now Beckett regretted that swift proclamation. She was worn and weary, but couldn't fight the heavy weight of feeling useless in her own endeavor. This was her case, hers more than anyone else in the world.

She had born the weight and torment of this day and it was not the FBI's or Homeland Security's. It was not the responsibility of the ATF or any of the other various suit wearing progeny of the alphabet soup that was the overreaching arm of the federal government. This was hers and the more it slipped away, the more she fell away with it. The more she was relegated to the background, the more she felt there was nothing for her to do but to wait for tomorrow to wake up and make sure she did everything in her power to keep the over-eager, monotone suit wearing, fast talking, imbeciles away from her case and out of her hair.

It was nearing seven when she found herself slumped against the railing of the stairs where she sat overlooking the chaos that had exploded in her domain. Castle found his way to her at some point and had been silently perched beside her on the same stair, overlooking the same scene, but with a gaze that wavered far more often than hers did. Peripherally she was aware of his eyes traveling to her in an effort to possibly gage her mental state or verify she was holding up. She knew she wasn't and nothing they were doing here had proven helpful in lifting the grey cloud.

Every time she watched Ryan or Esposito leave the bullpen on some other fetch-it mission for the men in suits, the knot in her gut tightened and threatened to rob her of breath and sane thought until she watched them return. Every time Castle was out of her sight for longer than a few short minutes that same knot lodged in her guts and twisted up into her throat. She wanted to package them all in bubble wrap and throw them in an empty holding cell until the potential for their demise had passed, but she knew the insanity of that line of thinking. Not only would the guys never go for the protective gesture, once they had gotten the officer to open the cell for them they would hunt her down and deliver her in a straitjacket to the nearest mental health facility.

It all seemed to futile an effort, but at the same time, she knew something would eventually pan out and either she or her team would be there to take the hit again, just as they had for days.

Castle's voice cut into her darker thoughts, stopping the spiral before it hit a new low, "Alexis called." she acknowledged his statement with some kind of noise, but she hadn't really given thought to anything more than him making an offhand comment. "She said you mentioned maybe joining us for dinner?" His question finally drew her eyes from the activity below them and she nodded briefly as she thought about how long ago that conversation seemed now. "She just wanted to know if she should warm something up or if you were still planning on stopping by."

"We have work to do here." she replied, dismissing the thought even as she remembered the light in Alexis' eyes as she had offered to cook for her.

Castle's laugh was sardonic. "We're sitting on the stairs." he pointed out and she realized they had been there for some time. "Ryan and Esposito have been going for ten hours and you're dead on your feet. We need to step back for a while."

"There is no while, Castle. Don't you get it?" she let the futility of the situation get to her as her statement came out far more confrontational than she had intended. "Look, there are only a few more hours in the day and if I don't find the key then we're going to have to do this all over again."

"You can't treat this as a normal case, Beckett. You have to look at this like a scientist." His tone was level and patient as he continued in his attempt to explain, "You changed something. It had to be something pretty major if the fact that it's after seven and we're all still alive is anything to go by."

She let the silence that followed that proclamation weigh in for a long moment when the only sounds to pass between them came from the rush of feet below, the rusting of papers, the sound of phones ringing. Her mind had been sent spinning with what Castle's simple statement meant to her. Someone had died everyday a little after six and to be sitting beside him with her team fully in tact nearly an hour after the apparent deadline should have been a major comfort, but she was waiting to wake from this daze and find the nightmare had followed them. She didn't want to let her guard down only to realize too late that the danger had not passed and was simply deciding to be fashionably late thanks to their intrusion on Kearns' apartment earlier in the day.

Finally she breathed a heavy sigh and moved her eyes to meet his as she let everything fall away and she knew he was seeing right into the heart of her fear, "What if it's not enough?"

"You won't know until you sleep." he reminded her, turning slightly to face her more directly and not moving away when his knee bumped her thigh.

The heat of him through the layers had her wanting to fall willingly into his suggestion, but she still fought the notion of abandoning her investigation to the bumbling hands of the feds who had already traipsed over most of their case. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I tried." she confessed.

Castle gave her a lopsided grin that she knew was meant to reassure her, but the tension in his shoulders and the concern in his eyes overwhelmed the little quirk of his lips. "No one said you have to sleep now, just come and eat dinner. Maybe you'll get a fresh perspective."

It was a tempting offer, especially as she considered the willingness of her two detectives to follow her lead should she choose to call it a night and leave the burning of the midnight oil to the federal agents involved. Still, it would be tantamount to him asking her to sever her own arm and he obviously knew that if the apprehension in his features was anything to go by.

She was about willing to cave when there was a movement on the other side of Castle and she saw he had brought a case file with when he'd originally joined her. In her dazed state she hadn't noticed until he waved it invitingly in front of her. "Come on." he cajoled, "We can read the file and Kearns' wife over dessert." he offered, his tone teasing as if he were actually bribing her.

She almost smiled at him then. He knew she wouldn't be able to shut down completely and he was giving her an opportunity to plan ahead, plot out what next and possibly find something that she could use should she have to go back into this same day again. It was exactly what she didn't know she needed. He was handing her the possibility of having a game plan in advance instead of waking with the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness at the same day falling on her again. He was giving her back some of the control that she had felt herself without for such a long time and she knew in that moment that she would follow him home tonight.

The feeling of a heavy weight lifting from her chest was almost palpable as she felt her shoulders slack with relief and her head fall to the side to rest against Castle's shoulder. "Ok." was her only verbal response, but in combination with her actions, she felt the tension melt away from him as well.

It didn't take much to talk Ryan and Esposito into calling it a night. They left their contact information with the feds in case they were needed, though Beckett was less than convinced that if they did call she would even answer it. Instead of drawing attention to anything, they bid polite good nights and parted company with Ryan and Esposito on the main floor as they moved in opposite directions to reach their vehicles.

Beckett let Castle drive, though in his state of apparent shock with the aberration and the obvious distraction the offer caused, she probably should have suggested a cab instead. Despite a few close calls, they made it to his apartment without incident and soon she found herself walking into Castle's loft for the second time that day.

Alexis greeted them from the kitchen, but didn't come to meet them. Beckett could tell the teen was keeping her distance intentionally, not wanting to push the wrong buttons. Deciding it would probably be best just to jump in, Kate walked to the kitchen and scrubbed her hands. When she turned, both Castles were watching her with twin questioning gazes and were she in any other state of mind she may have found the moment humorous in a cute as s button kind of way.

It just wasn't one of those days when she could let the more frivolous thoughts take shape, so she sent Castle a toned down version of her usual glare. "You," she pointed at him so there would be no mistake, "go write or watch cartoons or play Angry Birds or something." she informed him and then placed her hands on her hips when he didn't immediately comply.

After a moment, Castle raised his hands in surrender and turned a teasing smile his daughter's way. "Better you than me, Baby Bird." he informed her before winking and heading to his office.

"Dad get himself in trouble again?" Alexis asked as she made a move to go perch on a barstool at the island as she had the one other time Kate had made this dish in their house. Though, that time she had been doing homework and only half paying attention, so she had been unable to help her father recreate the creamy pasta.

"No." Kate replied easily, cocking an eyebrow at the teen in a silent question. After a short moment, Beckett realized the girl didn't get the hint, "What are you doing?"

Kate watched slightly perplexed as the teen's cheeks dusted with a hint of pink. "Sorry, I was just going to sit with you." she explained quickly. "It's ok; I can go, uh, upstairs and do homework or something."

Alexis was on her feet as if to retreat before she had finished stammering the response. It was as if the girl thought she had to walk on eggshells because Kate had made one reference to her mother. She was not completely devoid of understanding that there were things about her mom that would always bring tears to her eyes, but she was also sure that there were things about her mom that made her smile and fill with a sense of inclusion and warmth, a family feeling, something she didn't experience any more.

She was not hyper-sensitive and she hated that her lie this morning had contributed to Alexis feeling as if any and all references to the "M" word were off limits. She intended to rid her of that feeling by the end of the night. Yes, there were things that were too private or too painful, but for the most part, she found that she didn't want to shut the rest away.

"Nice try, Lex." she remarked, drawing the teen's eyes to her quickly as if searching for an answer. "You're cooking tonight."

"Oh," the teen seemed to come to a conclusion and the fall of her expression was enough to tell Kate it was the wrong one even before she started speaking. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. You've been working all day and you're tired. We can do that pasta another time. I just. . ."

Beckett cut her off with a chuckled. "Oh, no you don't." she replied. "That deflection doesn't work for your dad and it's not going to fly with you, either, missy. I've been thinking about that pasta all day and if you want your dad to stop ruining it, you're going to have to make it yourself." Beckett could see her protest of not knowing how forming on her lips, but as Kate set to work finding the ingredients and setting them on the counter, the protest died before it registered and Alexis smiled slightly as she understood it was going to be done together.

"My mom taught me how to make this when I was about twelve." she mentioned lightly as she set to work grating a block of parmesan she had pulled out. To her surprise the statement was made with an easy smile on her lips.

Something in Alexis shifted as the girl reached for the carrots and started to peel them. It wasn't darker, necessarily, but it was an expression she had never seen on the girl before. "You don't have to tell me any of this, Kate." Alexis finally spoke up as she rinsed the vegetable and moved on to the next one.

The sound of her name from Alexis was enough to send her off fighting tears when she hadn't been a moment before. Instead of hiding them away, she turned to face the teen with the wet glimmer in her eyes and her shoulders strong, straight and proud. "I want to share her with you." Kate finally spoke up and was surprised by the honesty of the statement. There were things about Alexis' upbringing that she knew would have benefitted from having the type of female role model that her mom represented as opposed to the absentee mother she had to contend with. In some ways, thought it hurt to admit, she felt lucky to have had the years with her mom that she did.

At first, the thought jarred her because it felt disrespectful to be glad for the happy times, it felt almost like she was giving up on all her empty hopes to one day wake and find that it was all a horrible nightmare and her mom was fine, alive and happy and that she'd live to be a hundred years old. But as the thought settled, she realized how right it was. She could have been given a mom that didn't seem to care or was too busy for her. Her mom was a lawyer, and so her time was very valuable. Still, she had made time for her family and that was something that she wished Alexis could have had, despite the early end. Quality of time over quantity of years.

"I don't have anyone else to pass the Beckett family recipes to, anyway, so I elect you as the recipient of knowledge." She knew he tone was light and teasing, but watched as the heavy weight of the statement weighed in for Alexis in her eyes.

"I'll keep the secrets safe."

Kate almost rolled her eyes at the teen's sincerity, but instead she smiled and passed the girl a head of broccoli. "Why do you think I'm not trusting your dad with them?"

Alexis grinned back, shaking her head slightly in amusement at the change in the air, "Good point; they'd end up in his next book."

"Besides, Castle would make for a terribly ugly little sister." Beckett countered, thinking about how easily Alexis had accepted a casual reference to her as Kate's family. It was still odd, but it didn't feel wrong, so Kate let the day melt away from her at the sparkle in the teen's eyes and bumped her hip against the younger woman's before they shared a smile and Kate launched into a story about how she had burnt the dish one of the first times she'd made it.

x.x.x

A/N: Football season got over for my daughter's team. They won their last game and had a party at Chuck E Cheese's. So you'd think I'd have more time now, but guess what starts right away? Basketball. So she's going to be on the basketball team and that's good because she's going to be 6'2"-6'4", so she needs to be doing something productive with all that height. Anyway, I'm still trucking on the novel idea, a little annoyed by its simplicity and having trouble figuring out some character growth, but I've named and given backgrounds to all the players, figured out all the evidence, have my red herrings and guilty party. I'm thinking of adding a sub plot so it's a more rounded story.

I'll come back as soon as I can and perhaps I'll even have time to edit the next one. as it is, it's after midnight and I'm heading to bed. Glaring errors will be fixed in the next day or two, let me know if I dropped a sentence in the middle of a word or anything, I've been known to do that on occasion. Thanks.

Review that made my day: RubyRoy87, for the positive words. I love all of you as well and it's the one thing I'm finding so difficult about writing outside of this site. There is a lack of instant feedback that makes the writing of a novel feel so solitary and that's why I'll always come back to work a little and chip away at the stories I'm working on here. It makes a solitary endeavor into a sort of group activity that doesn't ever disappoint.

Thanks to everyone for reading.