Disclaimer: See Prologue
A/N: The sex will stop. I promise.

1973

"Question three, Remus?"

Lupin flicked through a well thumbed copy of Tolkien's Unfinished Tales. He lay on his bed, his weight on his stomach. Utterly nonplussed, he sighed and said, "Shoot."

"When in bed, do you wear a) your bra and French knickers, b) a skimpy little negligee that makes you feel like a princess or c) nothing at all?"

Lupin frowned. "Um…definitely not the French knickers. B."

"Anything for you, Princess." James ticked it off. "Do you think your breasts are too small, too large or just right?"

Lupin turned the page. "Definitely too large."

James frowned. "Aww, Rem, I'd say just right. Stop being so hard on yourself."

"Yeah," said Lupin, "but Sirius' were just right."

From beside James, Sirius added, "And I got Sexy Little Minx and that's blatantly the best result."

"But if I was a girl," protested Lupin, "I wouldn't be a sexy little minx."

James grinned. "I completely disagree with you on that one, Remmy, and you know how little I do that."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, you've got 'Come to bed' eyes, just like me."

"Yours aren't 'Come to bed' eyes, Sirius," said Lupin. "Yours are 'Shag me in a closet after fifteen Firewhiskies' eyes."

Sirius smirked. "Question five."

"Can you believe Gandalf went through all that and was still back in time for the Council of Elrond?"

James frowned. "Who? Is this more bloody history because, Remus, if it is, I am throwing that textbook in the lake."

Lupin sighed. "I happen to be interested in History of Magic and this is actually a book I had when I was little. I love it and if you throw it in the lake, I'll throw you."

Sirius laughed. "I think you're the only one who is. Binns' lessons are so full of shit."

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "I don't know how you can judge, Sirius, because you never listen for long enough."

"If you hadn't brought the Cosmopolitan," said Sirius. "You'd be disowned from The Marauders for being so damn bookish."

"If my mother realises that's gone…" Lupin trailed off, hoping he was the last person she would suspect. After all, her thirteen year old son was unlikely to take her magazines for the 'Twenty Shoes Under Five Pounds' feature. However, he was likely to take it for the exposé on 'How to Turn Him from a Dud to a Stud'. Somehow, during the course of the evening, Sirius and James had thought it appropriate to work out their sex style before learning how to do the deed. On realising that this was a quiz for women, they came to the conclusion that if they pretended to be female, the answers would be pretty much the same.

Sirius threw James' Transfiguration Today at him. "Question five," he repeated. "What does making the first move consist of?" He gasped. "Remus, your mother has starred her answers." He was practically drooling. "Okay, a) saying "So should we just do it now? Yes, Remus, that would be you I think. B) snuggling up to him and hoping he gets the message, or c) grabbing his…" He trailed off. "I have never heard it called that before. Your mother obviously has; she's crossed that one."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, a or b." He frowned, imaging himself snuggling up to a girl and praying she understood. "Definitely a."

James snatched the magazine back. "Question 6. You're a character in a romance novel. Who are you?"

Sirius snorted. "Remus? He'd be Edna the lesbian narrator wearing a tea-cosy. Question seven. How likely is that you'll be satisfied during sex? Do you say a) if he gets it right, great - if he doesn't, I'll wait for next time, b) I know how to do it myself once he's fallen asleep or c) if he doesn't hit my G, I hit the roof and make him go back down there until he does?"

Lupin shuddered. "Um…b."

"Where do you do it? A) In the bed, obviously, b) in the bed with a canopy over the top, the windows open and the candles flickering in the breeze or c) in our friends' bed during a dinner party?"

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "Sirius, whatever did you pick? They don't give broom closet as an option."

"Shut up, ginger pubes. For that, I'm marking you as c. What's your favourite sex toy? A) Are you serious? Er…yes. B) A magic wand with a detachable G-spot stimulator or c) my imagination?" He frowned. "Is that my imagination or your imagination."

"C."

Sirius crossed it off. "That one's not too bad. I use my imagination to get my rocks off and it never fails. Okay, question ten. What do you think of talking dirty? A) I invent loads of wild situations and scream four-letter words, b) I am lucky if I can get out a moan or two, or c) it's just silly."

Lupin squirmed. "C."

Sirius licked his finger and flicked the page over. "Okay, mostly Cs. You're a Sensible Seductress. You enjoy sex but not on a daily basis. For you, sex is about friendship and companionship." He looked up from the text. "That's lovely, Remus, but when I said I wanted to be your friend…" He laughed. "You might be surprised to find there's more to sex that your usual, boring routine." He raised his eyebrows. "Okay, so now we all know what we're doing, what are we going to do to be studs?"

Lupin sighed and turned his page. "I honestly don't care. You have fun with it." His eyes rocketed across the page and James sat and watched him for a moment, staring in awe. "I love Gandalf," Lupin said eventually. "Wouldn't it be great if we had staffs instead of wands." He seemed to offer no more on the subject and Sirius shook his head, disturbed.

"To be the master of oral sex, get him to put his tongue in an orange." Sirius gawped. "Who fancies a trip to the kitchens? I don't think I'm getting enough Vitamin C."

James raised an eyebrow and shared a grin with Lupin,

"What?" cried Sirius. "It's a serious issue. I could get Scurvy?"

The dubious glances returned and Sirius rolled his eyes. "Forget it then. Where's the lingerie section?"