Chapter Twenty-One
Cato's POV
I fixed my eyes to the screen. Not because I wanted to but because I knew it was what was expected of me. I'd spent my life doing that; what was expected of me, and look how well that had ended. Still it was hard to break old habits.
I watched carefully as Clove made her way towards twelve, watched as the knife left her hand at exactly the right moment but swerved and only grazed her shoulder. Odd, I haven't seen Clove miss since that day in the training academy years ago. I didn't dwell on it; it could have been on purpose. Could have.
No but it was Clove. Clove who had sworn to me she would try and make the deaths quick and painless in the arena so she could sleep at night. She'd seen what the Games could do to people, had watched my brothers going slowly insane with the demons that haunted them. Something was off.
I wanted to watch her, to see what she was doing. Most people had shed a few tears at their deaths, Marvel being the exception so far but Glimmer had wailed enough for both of them. I wanted to see if she was crying, or if she was playing the same game I was. Pretending that it didn't matter, that it didn't affect us when the truth was we'd never be affected by anything to this level ever again. Our emotions would never explode in a kaleidoscope of passion and confusion like they had now and there was nothing we could do about it but sit and act.
I felt the tension rising in the room as Clove pinned twelve to the ground. I knew what would happen now; this was where I'd started watching. Only moments too late.
"Cato!" her first scream echoed around my head causing the same destruction it had the first time I'd heard it. I tried to keep a straight face but couldn't stop as my eyes shut tightly in frustration. If I'd just run faster, sooner we wouldn't be here. They'd be dead and we'd be safe. Safer. I didn't know what was going on here but if I'd learned anything from my family it was to never trust President Snow.
I watched her, her face as it changed from anger to panic. Fear that our training hadn't been enough, that it would all end here. That it was going to all end here. I watched as I ran, I can't remember what I thought when I was running. I remember begging, but I'm not sure to who or why though.
Then she was on the ground, pleading as well. Why did we plead? It had never been taught to us, had never been hardwired into us like every other action we made had been. It didn't achieve anything. But it felt like the only option, we both knew it was hopeless.
I sat in silence now. Not that it was any different from how I'd been the rest of the time but it seemed important that I was silent now. I couldn't help feeling like I should go to her, to hold her and make sure she was coping. I would try and make sure she was fine but with Clove it was always impossible to tell; she didn't reveal anything about herself unless she really had to and it had some benefit I'd always hated that about her, especially since she seemed to be able to know exactly what I was thinking. Well, had been able to, things had been different recently.
I couldn't go to her; she wasn't mine to hold. She was someone else's Clove and not mine. I didn't know where my Clove was, if she was actually sitting just a few seats away from me no doubt acting like none of this bothered her when I knew there had to be some form of emotion tearing her apart inside.
I watched as Thresh lifted the rock. I refused to move, if I looked away from the screen I'd look at her and I knew how that would end. I couldn't do it. I can't face it. Can't face her. How could I? I can barely face myself at the moment. I don't know what's going on in my head, why I couldn't accept Clove. But most of all why I couldn't have just run faster? I should have made the distance, I could have. But then why didn't I? Was it fear? Can fear slow you down? But then surely adrenaline would speed you up again. Maybe.
Not that it mattered. I hadn't failed the district. I'd failed her and that was worse.
I'd failed the intruder that wasn't an intruder. The girl who was mine and wasn't mine all at once. The girl I could explain and couldn't explain at the same time. IT messed with everything. If she wasn't Clove then where was she? Why wouldn't she come back to me? And that's why she had to be my Clove, because even though I wouldn't let her in, she kept pushing and fighting for me. Kept fighting for the feelings we'd once shared. That was the thing about Clove though, even though she never admitted she had feelings when she did it usually ended in an explosion.
Author's Note: Hola people! I once again must apologize for the lateness of this update. Moving into my flat and sorting things out when you're as unorganized as I am turns out to be most difficult at times! However everything is sorted (including internet which should be set up next week, halleluiah!) and therefore that gives me plenty of time for writing once again! Anyways I'm hoping you've enjoyed this chapter it's taken me a wee while to get upload and hopefully the next installment shall come sooner rather than later :) And you know the drill guys reviews are much appreciated! Also anyone watching the Olympics? I am totally hooked!