A big hearty thank you to the reviewer who suggested this! It's gonna be a blast in chapters to come!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I brought the vicomte, Christine, and Nadir here today to discuss something rather important.

ERIK: What's that, doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's…kind of an…uncomfortable subject…

ERIK: How so?

NADIR: Well, do you remember that night when you and Christine…uh…

ERIK: …Huh?

NADIR: Do you want me to draw you a picture?

ERIK: …Oh, that! Yeah, I remember now! And how the hell do you know about that?

NADIR: You got drunk one night and called me up bragging.

ERIK: Oh. Sounds about right.

RAOUL: What are you guys talking about?

EVERYONE: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Anyway, I thought that it was high time you actually met your son.

ERIK: *sigh* I don't know, doc…

RAOUL: He has a son?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Yes, he does. Erik, it's time to step up to the plate here. You need to start being a part of your son's life.

ERIK: But doc, I'm not cut out for fatherhood!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, you should have thought of that before you went past the point of no return beneath a moonless sky, or whatever the hell it was! Didn't you take sex ed?

ERIK: What kind of stupid question is that?

CHRISTINE: Can we get back on the subject, please?

RAOUL: What subject?

ERIK: The subject of my kid, you twit.

RAOUL: What kid?

ERIK: That's actually what I'd like to know, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Fine, I'll bring him in and introduce you. *opens door and ushers in a boy*

RAOUL: Oh, hi son! Have you met my boy, doctor?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, this is…aw crap, what's his name again?

NADIR: Charles.

RAOUL: No, it was Pierre.

CHRISTINE: You're both wrong, it's Gustave.

ERIK: Heck, let's just call him PJ, short for Phantom, Jr.

RAOUL: What makes you think we're naming him after you? And why do you get to name him in the first place?

ERIK: 'Cause I'm the baby daddy, that's why.

RAOUL: WHAT?

ERIK: Surprise!

RAOUL: But—but I thought—Christine said—

CHRISTINE: Oh come on, you're telling me you didn't notice?

RAOUL: Oh my God! I don't believe this!

ERIK: Sad but true, little man. Sorry.

RAOUL: Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell? Was I the only one who didn't know about this?

DR. LOVEJOY: Schedule an appointment with my secretary and we can talk about this sometime.

RAOUL: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Anyway, back to why we're here. Erik, this is…PJ, I guess. PJ, this is Erik, your real father.

ERIK: Uh…hi?

PJ: Hello.

ERIK: So…how old are you, PJ?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, how many years ago did the incident take place?

ERIK: I think it was…fourteen years, maybe?

RAOUL: Ha! He was born ten years ago, which makes him my kid, so suck it!

CHRISTINE: No, he's definitely Erik's.

RAOUL: How do you know?

NADIR: Because that's the big plot twist, man. If it weren't for the time warp, there'd be no second guessing it.

ERIK: But how old is he?

DR. LOVEJOY: Let's just go with the happy medium and say he's twelve. You don't mind being twelve, do you PJ?

PJ: I guess not. It's fine with me.

RAOUL: Did you hear that? He's too polite to be his.

ERIK: Dude, seriously, he's my son. Look at him! You can see the resemblance!

EVERYONE: …

ERIK: Well, I'm sure it's more of a mental, spiritual resemblance, or some other hogwash like that.

CHRISTINE: He does have a way with animals, and he's freakishly gifted, but it's impossible to get him out of bed in the morning…

ERIK: Well, he gets that from you. You remember, right?

CHRISTINE: Oh yeah. I remember everything. *wink*

NADIR: I have to say, this conversation is making me extremely uncomfortable.

RAOUL: Amen, my good man.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right, so…moving on. PJ, why don't you go over and get to know your father?

PJ: Can I call you "Dad?"

ERIK: I'd rather you didn't for the time being, kiddo. A man's gotta get used to something like this before you start tossing around the "D" word.

PJ: Then what can I call you?

ERIK: Well, I would prefer to be called "Monsieur le Fantôme," but—

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh for crying out—just call him "Erik," PJ.

PJ: All right. What can I call you, doctor?

DR. LOVEJOY: You can call me—

ERIK: He's known in the world of psychiatry as "Dr. Killjoy."

DR. LOVEJOY: Would you shut up? PJ, call me whatever you want except "killjoy." Your dad likes to pretend he's witty, but between you and me he's a bit of an—

ERIK: Don't go disrespecting me in front of my boy, man!

RAOUL: Well, considering I've reared him up for the last…twelve years, I guess, I'd like a little assurance that I still get some recognition over here.

PJ: Don't worry, Dad. I'll still call you "Dad."

CHRISTINE: Isn't he so sweet?

ERIK: Wait a minute…both of us are going to be referred to as "Dad?" Won't that get a bit confusing?

PJ: Why not? I'll just tell the guys at school that I have two dads.

ERIK: …

RAOUL: …

ERIK: I would really appreciate if you didn't do that, PJ.

RAOUL: I second the motion.

ERIK: Slash fic flashbacks for you too, huh?

RAOUL: Yeah.

PJ: That's all right. If anyone tries to get smart with me about either one of you, I'll string him up from the flag pole.

RAOUL: …Yep, he's your kid for sure.

So as it turns out I was kidding about the studio audience, but other than that...how'd you like it?

More on the way! Expect it when you see it!