XXI. This Used to Be My Playground
This used to be my playground used to be
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place i ran to
Whenever i was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask
Live and learn
Well the years they flew
And we never knew
We were foolish then
We would never tire
And that little fire
Is still alive in me
It will never go away
Can't say goodbye to yesterday can't say goodbye
No regrets
But i wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday the dream
Those are words i'll never say i'll never say
This used to be my playground used to be
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy
This used to be our playground used to be
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me
This used to be our playground used to be
This used to be our great escape
This used to be the place we ran to
This used to be our secret hiding place
This used to be our playground used to be
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me
Author's Note: Happy New Year!! Best wishes for 2007!
The snowflakes swirl all around, over and under the streetlights, on the roofs of cars, on begonias Snake has planted, but Manny couldn't feel any less cold. Kissing Toby on Emma's stoop after he drove her home has that warming effect. She lets her hand graze the top of his coat collar, their lips moving unapologetically.
The waiter they had at the restaurant provided them with excellent service, bringing out their food in a timely fashion. Toby insisted on taking care of the tip, even after Manny's protests. On the way home, she told him about the nerves she had about visiting her mother tomorrow. True, it has to be better than being alone with her dad, but she hadn't seen her mother in such a long time. He told her the words would come easily, and she hoped he was right.
"We're getting good at this kissing thing," says Manny, softly, releasing his lips for a minute. "Makes me warm all over."
"Really?" says Toby, smiling.
"Yeah...like soup," says Manny.
They both laugh quietly, a little light from the kitchen window illuminating them.
"I swear, sometimes they think I'm their daughter," says Manny, seeing Snake's shadow behind the kitchen curtain. "It's nice, though. I do have a busy day tomorrow."
"Yeah, your mom," says Toby.
"And I'm leading classtime at the center. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I figure I'll just make them color or something. Can't go wrong there, unless they color the walls. Hmmm, maybe that's not a good idea...coloring from three to four-thirty?"
Toby shrugs. "I'm sure you'll come up with something. You're...real creative."
Manny smiles. "Maybe. If I don't survive, don't be surprised if there's an announcement on the news. Manny Santos, mangled by adolescents, died holding a coloring book."
Toby laughs, rubs her shoulder.
"I like that you laugh with me, not at me," says Manny, turning red. "So sick of people picking on me."
"I know what that's like," says Toby. "But the people who do it are stupid. You're sweet and caring and..."
"And totally falling for every word you say," interrupts Manny, starting to kiss him again.
The door to Emma's flies open, Snake smiling at them, crossing his arms. Manny stops mid-pucker, clears her throat.
"Oh...hey, Snake!" exclaims Manny. "I was just going in."
"Yeah, I thought so," says Snake, smirking. "Because it is eleven-thirty, your curfew. And I assume Toby was on his way home. Perfect timing by the way, Toby."
"Yeah...yeah, I was," stammers Toby.
"Yeah, he was," says Manny, straightening her hair than holding out her hand for Toby to shake. "Well, Toby, I had a very good time."
Toby awkwardly shakes her hand. "Yeah, me too. Night."
"Night," says Manny.
Toby waves good-bye to Snake, starting towards his car.
"I'll walk him to his car," says Manny, smiling, starting to follow him.
"Oh no you don't," says Snake, taking her arm and leading her in.
He closes the door, and they both head into the kitchen, Manny sitting at the table, staring at Snake.
"Don't give me that look, Manny," says Snake, putting a small carton of ice cream in front of her. "I know that basement window has had a male go through it at least once. I'm guessing Craig might've taken a trip down there after curfew."
"Snake!" whines Manny. "Come on. Toby isn't Craig."
"Um, yeah," says Snake. "Still, rules are rules. Someone's got to keep an eye on you."
"Fine," says Manny, tossing him a small smile as he hands her a spoon.
"So this Toby thing...is it headed somewhere?" says Snake, grinning.
"I don't know," says Manny. "I'd be excited if it was."
They both silently eat for awhile, then grin at each other.
"Can we talk about an extended curfew?" says Manny, winking at him. "Eleven forty-five, maybe?"
"What?" says Snake. "I thought actresses needed their beauty sleep."
"They do!" insists Manny.
Snake sighs, then smiles. "For Toby...an extra five minutes."
Manny beams, and they clink spoons.
II.
"You must really hate us!" exclaims Ellie, reading down the list.
"Backstreets Boys, Rupaul, Madonna," says Marco, peering over her shoulder. "Please kill me now."
"Are we playing a pageant or Hilary Duff's prom?" says Ellie, thrusting the list back in Craig's chest.
"Madonna's kinda cool," speaks up Ashley, shifting on a stool.
Craig sets a stool next to Ashley's, glances around the garage as Jimmy, Marco, and Ellie give him blank looks. There's no way he can tell him why he needs them to play this gig. It turns out it's the only paying gig before the New Year, and he didn't want to wait to start saving for the apartment until things picked up. Joey was still looking, but he'd gone to great trouble to track down Mrs. Tellman and play a few songs so she could approve the Squatch. If it meant playing princess pop and sweet sixteen ballads, then so be it.
"Who doesn't need post-Christmas shopping cash?" says Craig, as convincingly as possible. "I'm all for artistic integrity, but the wallet is shrinking. I'm down to coins."
"Yeah, me too," says Jimmy, gloomily.
"And we need the practice," says Craig, picking up his guitar.
"Fine," says Ellie, rolling her eyes. "But if you think I'm playing any Jessica Simpson songs, you're on your own."
"Oh, did you hear that she and Nick Lachey broke up?" asks Marco, flicking on an amp.
"Uh...yeah, who didn't?" says Jimmy, chuckling.
"You're so late," laughs Ashley.
"I thought you watched stuff where they have a goat, people singing, and they ponder the meaning of life," says Jimmy, laughing.
"Yeah, but I...I liked them. They were so cute on that show," says Marco, under his breath.
"Disappoined, Marco," whispers Ellie.
"Shut up, El," says Marco. "They were adorable."
"Um, sure. Moving on, Ash is going to sing lead," says Craig, getting up and fetching a microphone on a stand.
"Alright, two ladies in the band," says Jimmy, smiling at Ellie. "Two very fine ladies. As long as it's not Spin, no complaints."
Marco and Ellie glance at each other, and nod.
"Yeah, no drama from me. She sounds better than you anyway," says Marco, grinning at Craig.
"Yeah," says Craig, narrowing his eyes at Marco. "Didn't say she didn't."
"That was painless," says Ashley, adjusting the stand. "Thanks, guys."
"I'm glad I'm not the only girl anymore," says Ellie, beaming at Ashley.
Ashley glances at her quickly, says nothing. Ellie purses her lips, lowers her eyes.
"You mean, nobody misses Manny and her tambourine?" says Jimmy, obviously trying to break the tension in the garage.
They all laugh, even Ellie, fixing her cymbals. Craig puts the guitar strap over his shoulder, gleefully smiling to himself. After his talk with Joey, they sat down, talked, and Joey mentioned some student housing he found near the University of Toronto. That way, if either of them went to school, they wouldn't be far from campus and it would be cheaper. Yes, everything would work out. He'd have the band, an apartment with Ashley, and a recording contract in no time. And tomorrow would be the start of everything.
"Can I visit Janis tomorrow?" whispers Ashley, as Marco tells Jimmy and Ellie, who look very annoyed, about an episode of the Newlyweds.
"Yeah, but I have a surprise for you first," whispers Craig.
"Looking forward to it," says Ashley, kissing him on the cheek.
"And he bought her Louis Vuitton and took her to visit dolphins," says Marco. "Then she dumped him. So ungrateful."
"I'm going to put this drumstick in my ear," says Ellie, shaking her head. "No more."
"Fine, but it's a good show," says Marco. "Let's get to playing."
III.
"This stairwell got ten times bigger," mutters Manny to herself, climbing the stairs up to her family's apartment.
A dog from a nearby apartment barks, and she jumps, then catches her breath. She can do this. This was her mom, and she'd called her, paid for the trip, wanted to actally be a part of her life. Her dad is the uncertain one. Still, what is she going to say? That she was giving up acting, that she would go along with whatever her father wants? No, that would just be more lies, to them and herself.
Manny knocks tentatively on the door, shoulders her new bookbag. The door opens to reveal her mother wiping her hands on an apron. Manny feels her feet stuck firmly to the floor as she stares into her mother's warm, gentle face. She doesn't look upset at all, just pleased. Immediately, she wraps Manny into her arms, kisses the top of her head.
"Manuellita!" cries Ms. Santos, tears spilling from her eyes. "I've been waiting all morning."
Manny doesn't say a word, hugs her back tightly, tears threatening to case her own face.
"I missed you, Mom," says Manny, barely able to get anything out.
"Come in, come in," says her mother, ushering her into the foyer.
Ms. Santos closes the door behind her, touches Manny's face, then steers her to the living room where there's a plate with a sandwich, French fries, and freshly baked cookies with a glass of juice on the side.
"For me?" says Manny, sitting down on the couch.
"Peanut butter and banana," says Ms. Santos, taking a seat next to her.
Manny smiles, starts to eat.
"I know you're eating well at the Emma's, but...," begins Ms. Santos.
"Your food is still the best," assures Manny, dotting her lips with a napkin. "They're really into health food there, so yeah, this is definitely welcome."
"So how's school? And your acting?" asks Ms. Santos.
Manny isn't completely sure she wants to discuss acting with her mother, but it would probably come out anyway that she was doing the pageant.
"Um...school's okay. I get my term results next week, but I think I did fine this year," says Manny. "And there's this thing at the center, a pageant. Miss Degrassi. I'm in it, so I'm doing an acting scene."
Ms. Santos' face goes blank, which unsettles Manny, but then a giant smile crosses her face.
"I...I did a pageant in middle school," says Ms. Santos, modestly. "I got third place."
Manny covers her mouth. "No!"
"Yes...yes," says Ms. Santos. "I was a little shy at the time. It was quite a commitment. The auditions, rehearsals, the outfits...oh, do you have an outfit, a dress?"
Manny nods. "Yeah...it's this nice shade of pink. Don't have shoes yet."
"I...I have shoes!" exclaims Ms. Santos. "I'll get them."
She watches her mother hurry to the bedroom. It sort of cheered her up that she was doing something her mother did, finishing her lunch. Usually, in her parent's place, she felt alone, especially if J.J. was being the typical golden boy, but now, hey, she was doing something J.J. had never done, would never do.
"It's lucky we wear the same size," says Ms. Santos, presenting her with a gorgeous pair of dark pink heels.
"Mom, love them! Yeah, shoe size. Same with Em and Spike," says Manny. "Must be a mother-daughter thing."
Manny opens her bookbag, drops in the shoes.
"You said you needed things for next term?" asks Ms. Santos.
"Yeah," replies Manny. "It's in my old bookbag. My ruler, graphing calculator, pencil case."
Ms. Santos and Manny stand, heading for her bedroom, or what was her bedroom. Manny enters with a sigh of relief. It was all the same, basically, except for the box her father promised would be sitting on her bed. The fact that it hadn't change thrills her. She felt tempted to throw herself down on the bed, sleep like she used to, enjoy having a room to herself again. But no, the visit was going so smoothly, so she won't mess it up.
She locates her old bookbag, starts putting them in her new one. A couple pieces of paper she holds slip under her bed. Groaning, she reaches down to pick them up.
"I'll get them later," assures Ms. Santos. "So tell me more about what's going on. Any dates?"
Manny smiles, putting her calculator in her bag.
"I see that smile, Manuellita," teases Ms. Santos. "Are you back with J.T.?"
"Oh, no, that's over," says Manny.
"A new guy then?"
"A new guy."
Ms. Santos grins. "Is he cute?"
"He's cute, understanding, patient. Yeah, put a giant checkmark next to all the ideal boyfriend qualities. Only...we haven't started anything yet."
"I'm sure it'll work out," says Ms. Santos. "You deserve the best, and you look happy."
"I am," says Manny. "It took forever, but I am."
Ms. Santos helps Manny zip up her bag, and Manny hugs her. Is this all too good to be true? Well, maybe she should test it.
"Mom, can I come home from Christmas?" asks Manny, staring up at her, hopefully. "Dad said I should ask you."
Ms. Santos brushes some hair from off her face. "One condition?"
"Yeah?"
"You bring this boy over."
"Mom!" whispers Manny, urgently.
Ms. Santos laughs. "Okay, so do you need a talent costume?"
"Desperately," replies Manny. "Up for sewing something? A first-place costume, maybe?"
Manny playfully pouts her lip.
"Well, if I couldn't get first place, you should," says Ms. Santos, hugging her daughter.
IV.
"I can never look at you the same again," says Ellie, sighing.
"Please," says Marco, putting up his hoodie. "Like you never had a guilty pleasure. Clarissa Explains it All?"
"Clarissa was cool. Wanted to be a writer, a little off-center, totally original fashion sense like yours truly," says Ellie. "And she's proof that pretty blondes can have brains."
"Preaching to the choir, my friend," says Marco, staring down at the sidewalk. "Ah, American TV at its finest."
Ellie whistles the theme song, and Marco bops his head.
"La la la la la la la la la la la...way cool!" they both sing.
Ellie halts in the middle of the walk as she looks forward. She views Sean, pacing back and forth down her driveway. Sean sees her and waves. She hasn't called him since the night of the party. Ugh, it was torture talking to him after every embarrassing moment that came courtesy of her mother.
"Didn't Clarissa end up dating a rebel in a jean jacket?" says Marco, smiling as he glances at Sean's jacket.
"Get out of here," mumbles Ellie, nudging him lightly.
Marco laughs, turns around and heads towards home.
"Surprised my singing didn't drive you away," says Ellie, nervously.
"It wasn't that bad," says Sean, coming up to her.
"Yeah, because pulling out a condom in front of forty plus people is worse," says Ellie, avoiding Sean's eyesight. "I'm so, so sorry."
"El, not your fault," says Sean. "And about the condom, I..."
"No explanations needed," says Ellie.
Sean smiles, nods.
"So are you here to see my mom, because she's at work right now?" says Ellie. "I mean, you're obviously here for a quality Sean-bashing lecture."
"Yeah, something like that," says Sean, grabbing her hand.
He pulls a key from his pocket, drops it into her hand.
"Okay, if you say this is the key to your heart, I want a new boyfriend," says Ellie, giving him a confused look.
Sean chuckles. "No, it's the key to my place. Another key. The third key. Jay got one made for himself, because he's...well, Jay."
"You want me to redecorate? Cover the walls in black?" says Ellie.
"Or come hang out, whenever you want," says Sean. "Free key from someone who loves you."
"Even after the mom mess?"
"We'll get through the mom mess."
Ellie hangs her head, grinning shyly. She grasps the key in her fist, hugs him. Sean strokes her back.
"Surprised you didn't say move in with someone who loves you," says Ellie, pulling away, giving Sean a small kiss on the lips.
"New year, new saying," says Sean. "Plus Jay's dirty underwear is...uh, around. It's gross."
"Well, new year, new key, says Ellie, throwing her arms around Sean.
V.
Taylor and Ryan run around in a circle, Ryan pelting Beth with crayons. Beth hugs Manny's leg, starts to cry. It was only five minutes into the time she was supposed to leading, and Manny feels the urge to simply lay on the storytime carpet and not get up. Alyssa is the only calm one, sifting through her copy of Anne of Green Gables, while the other raged on. Mrs. Neill is around, though Manny suspects she keeps going in and out of the room to gossip with a co-worker about the head of center's divorce.
"I don't want to color anymore!" yells Ryan. "Let's play cops and robbers. Manny's the robber!"
"No!" shouts Manny. "Ryan, sit down...now!"
"You ain't the teacher!" says Ryan, jumping up and down, pretending to shoot Manny with a gun.
"This is a gun-free zone!" warns Manny.
"I used my last bullet on you!" replies Ryan, laughing so hard he falls to the floor.
"Manny, I don't want to color," moans Beth. "Let's play husband and wife. I want to marry Henry."
Henry digs up his nose. "Ewww, Idon't want to marry no girl."
"You want to marry a boy then!" laughs Taylor.
"No, I don't!" replies Henry.
"Shush, everyone sit down!" commands Manny.
They all groan, sit down. Ugh, I'm failing, complains Manny inwardly. They were all disappointed movie day was cancelled, but why were they taking it out on her. Great, simply great. If they didn't color, what would she have them do?
Suddenly, she hears a knock on the classroom door.
"Stay still," she instructs, heading over, opening the door.
Toby is standing there, a laptop in his arms, a bag over his shoulders. Manny tries hard not to smile, but does.
"What...what are you doing here?" she asks.
"Here to help, hopefully," says Toby, smiling back.
"Really?" says Manny. "You...like remembered me talking about this last night?"
"Yeah," says Toby. "Can I come in?"
Manny nods enthusiastically, leads Toby to the center of the room.
"Everyone, this is Toby," says Manny. "Say hi."
"Hi," they all reply timidly, except for Ryan.
"Dude, you have an Inuyasha sticker on your bag," cries out Ryan. "You got the game?"
"Yep," says Toby.
"Cool," breathe Henry and Taylor at the same time.
Alyssa glances up, closes her book.
"Are you here to color too?" says Beth. "You're kinda old."
A few girls giggle.
"No, I thought I'd share something cool with you, guys," says Toby.
"Like what?" says Ryan.
"Do you have a projector screen?" he asks Manny.
Manny goes over, pulls down the screen, while Toby sets up his computer. The children whisper excitedly, and Manny's relieved they're all reasonably quiet. Without being told, they sit down at the tables, anxious to see what's going to happen. Alyssa does so as well, reluctantly. Manny's anxious herself.
After a minute or so, an image of an anime character fills the projector screen.
"Sailor Moon!" gushes Beth and Maria.
"Yep," says Toby. "First female character I ever drew."
"She's pretty," says Taylor, staring up, admiringly. "You drew that? That's cool."
"How did...how did you decide to draw her?" speaks up Alyssa, raising her hand.
Manny beams. Alyssa is actually participating. She was usually so withdrawn, but not today.
"I thought she looked interesting," replies Toby. "Beautiful, I guess."
"Because she has blonde hair and blue eyes like me," asserts Beth.
"Well, she does," says Toby, another image coming onscreen. "This is one of Sailor Moon's friends. Raye. There's different types of beauty."
"She has purple eyes," notes Alyssa. "I agree. She's beautiful."
"Yeah, like Manny," says Taylor, poking Beth with a crayon.
"Uh-huh," agrees Henry, smiling at Manny. "Manny's...like beautiful and stuff."
Manny glances down, blushing. She catches Toby's eye and he smiles at her.
"Yeah," says Beth. "Can we draw them like you?"
Toby nods. "I've got Inuyasha stuff too. You got more paper, Manny?"
Manny fetches more paper, starts handing it out, listens to the excited chatter around the room. Even Alyssa is talking to Maria about how to draw purple eyes. As she puts a piece of paper in front of Henry, who is near Toby, she whispers "Thanks."
"No problem," says Toby.
VI.
Manny digs her feet into the sand, stares upward at the pinkish sky. It's not as cold as dusk starts to settle in, and she lets the swing move under her. She twirls around a bit, grinning. She remembers all those days she came her with Emma and J.T., innocent days where nothing seems complicated. When she watched the kids draw, Toby helping out, those days came flooding back to her, only they were happier memories, not that memory that bugged her about J.T. not kissing her or Lindsay calling her ugly. They were good memories where they found ants for Emma's ant farm or them eating Push-Ups or playing spy games where J.T. got to be Bond and she was the damsel in distress.
Manny swings higher, stops when she sees Toby heading towards her. He sits down on the other swing.
"You should be getting paid," says Manny, smiling at him.
"How do you do that everyday?" laughs Toby. "If I didn't know how much energy you have..."
"Got to use it for something," laughs Manny.
"I'm tired after two hours," says Toby, stroking his forehead. "How'd your meeting with your mom go?"
"Awesome, actually," says Manny. "I'm going over there for Christmas."
"Wow, that's great," says Toby, swinging along with her.
"You're great," says Manny, holding the chain to Toby's swing so he'd stop.
"I did what...," begins Toby.
"You did something that meant a lot to me, to them," says Manny, turning to face him.
"I'm glad they liked it, that you liked it," says Toby, shrugging. "Didn't we come here once?"
"Mhmm, we ate icees, and you shot me with a water gun," says Manny, bumping him with her knee.
"Don't remember that," lies Toby, smirking. "Must've been J.T."
Toby retrieves a small, black box from his pocket, a light-blue ribbon wrapped around it. Manny gives him a curious look as he hands it to her.
"It's Hanukkah already," says Toby. "I don't celebrate Christmas really, but..."
Manny smiles, unwraps the present. In it, is a silver necklace with a charm of a movie camera at the center. She can't recall receiving a more thoughtful gift.
"Toby," breathes Manny. "I...I love it. Thanks so much."
"I thought your neck looked cold," jokes Toby, genially.
"You know," said Manny, smiling, pulling his swing closer. "J.T...he wouldn't kiss me on the playground. Thought he'd go to jail."
"So J.T. was an idiot even back then," says Toby.
Manny puts her forehead against his, stares into his eyes.
"Would you go to jail for me, Toby?" whispers Manny, leaning in.
"Yeah, and no parole," replies Toby, finding her lips.