21. Darcy
Sometimes take control of your life means exploring ways that we never thought of. It is also making concessions, agreeing to challenge and draw a line on some things to move forward.
I was in Buffalo since a month. I spent most of my time at the hospital because there was so much to do. My position as chief of surgery, was enviable by many doctors, but it was also a heavy workload. Yet I do not regret my choice. I rented a small apartment in the city center, not far from where I worked. My first week, I spent a little exploring around to familiarize myself with these "American", and to try to forget William. But alas, Detective Murdoch never left my mind and I had nothing better than to immerse myself in my work to escape him.
I loved my place. I was living with people, happy children and yet full of life while some were seriously ill. I was looking after them. I was a real Doctor, that I had wanted for so long. So even though some days I do not even coming home as the work was important, I enjoyed those moments sharing smiles with my little patients.
That night again, I was late in my office, agreeing to take night call, not wanting to go home, find an empty bed and dark thoughts about what I lost in Toronto. I found myself leaning on a report when two knocks were done at my door. I raised my head and saw the silhouette of one of my colleagues, Dr. Garland.
-Doctor Ogden? He said softly.
-Come in, please.
He complied and gave me a sweet smile which I answered in the same way.
-Good evening.
-Good evening Dr. Garland, what can I do for you?
-Well, nothing in particular, I came to see if everything is alright for you.
-Uh yes, I stammered.
-We have not had time to really get to know each other since you arrived.
-Work takes a lot of my time, I confessed, laughing.
-Yes, I understand that you were a devoted Doctor body and soul to his patients.
-I must confess that I know neither the city nor anyone who lives there, so I deal with it as I can.
-Considerate dive into work often hide a desire to forget the most personal issues, tell me what did you escape to coming to Buffalo?
-Uh, well, nothing, Dr. Farwell ...
-I was joking, cut my friend chuckled, tell me, are you on duty that night?
-I am afraid so.
-So, in this case.
He came out a few seconds, leaving me alone and a bit lost, before returning with a basket in which I saw a bottle, bread, plates and small boxes.
-I offer you a dinner with me, we could do a better acquaintance, I am also on duty and I hate to diner alone. What say you?
I smiled and nodded before getting up to make the order on my desk and let him ut on what he brought.
-Wine, Dr. Garland ? Is this really wise?
-Honestly, it is grape juice, I would not be drunk if it happened any urgency tonight.
I laughed sheepishly and he served me before speaking again.
-And you can call me Darcy.
-Very well, Darcy, I sighed, then you can call me Julia.
We smile and clink glasses before drinking a sip and eat quietly. We talk about everything and nothing. Darcy is a native of Buffalo, he knows the city inside out, he grew up in a wealthy family, has decided to become a Doctor very young, was a brilliant student and he rose through the ranks at lightning speed. He is a man passionate about his job, very intelligent, quiet and affecting. He would have satisfied in all respects with the requirements of my father as a husband. He was in many respects to the men that I happened to go for years, but with him, I shared my passion for medicine and he was a very charming man. I knew right then that Darcy Garland would be a friend in this town that I did not liked very much. I was far from imagining how our meeting would change my life.
It spent four months, four months, after which I had to make the biggest decision of my life.
I noticed how eagerly Darcy courting me and I was flattered. He could make me forget William and let me enjoy the city and the way of life of the United States. In addition, we rejoined several points, especially the issue of children.
-Having children when we love someone is probably a natural thing to me, he said, but when you see how fragile life is, you reconsider this decision. You cling to this little one, you give him a name, pamper, for years and overnight he may be taken away. I do not know if I will be able to live in the fear of losing a child, perhaps it is better to not have to suffer from his death, eventually.
Darcy does not want children and it was in part due to this reason that I agreed to marry him. At least he would never suffer my infertility, I was not even holding to tell him.
He had done his proposal in the garden of the hospital, on the fresh grass, near roses from China. He was very attentive to me, never show or urgent undertaking. Darcy had never kissed me as William did, and this was another reason why I agreed to become his wife. I liked him, truthfully, but I was not madly in love with him. Darcy could never break my heart. Marry me meant finally be rid of my father, I have had a home, a husband who did not want to become a father, a job and a reason to let go of William, once and for all.
But Darcy was nice to be an exceptional man, he was not William and clear was that our lives were connected, if I wanted it or not.
I really thought to have forgotten, no longer love him, no longer consider anything at all with him, fate always pushing me towards him, again and again. I needed him, to see him, to write to him, talk to him. When I had doubts about suspect dead at the hospital, I thought about him, I choose to do call him from Toronto without even talking to Darcy as we were now engaged.
Life in Buffalo really was not for me, and Darcy knew it. I knew he really loved me the day he decided to leave everything to allow me to return to Toronto and take my place at the morgue. I had been happy, not knowing really what I wanted at last. Because my only reason for wanting to come back and resume my old job was the fact that I missed William terribly. I felt at peace with him, as if I could do any work, the main thing was just that I see him every day. William was everything to me and I had to have a reason; my future marriage had been a desperate attempt to turn the page when I do not wanted to.
But it was too late now. If William had still loved me, he would have fought to keep me with him. He would have begged me to not marry Darcy, he would have asked me to marry him. If William really did not care if I would give him children one day or not, he would have moved heaven and earth so that I do not and he marries me, William did not do it.
-He is still love you Julia, Ruby said me as I watched the ring he seemed to have for me, otherwise why has he kept this ring?
-This letter was written several months ago, he would have had time to make me his proposal. And he did nothing.
But I also wanted to believe as Ruby that William always loved me. And the night before my wedding with Darcy was the longest and most challenging of my life.
I prayed silently in this small room adjacent to the nave of the church, that William arrives, so that finally he told me these words that relied so much to me. But my father came in, rewarding me his best smile, happy to see that his daughter does finally "the right choice". He left the room again, leaving me in an even deeper despair. I walked into the alley by not leaving my fiance gaze. All was lost. I could not turn back. I would become Mrs. Darcy Garland.
That night, I danced at the arm of my husband in the huge ballroom we rented for the occasion. I felt the hot breath of Darcy above my ear and his hand on my back.
-Julia, is it everything alright? He whispered against me.
-Yes, of course I am fine,I sighed without looking so far, it is my wedding.
-You seem nervous, darling.
-The wedding took a lot of preparation and I confess to being tired.
-There is anything else? Darcy asks me by separating me to look deeply into mine.
-No, I ...
How could I tell him that I thought about William at that moment?
-If you are worried about the wedding night, know that I do not force you into anything. We will take the time you need.
I remained silent for a moment. I was not worry about this detail for now. Darcy did not know I had known a man before, and intimate relationships frightened me not. But at that moment, I was aware that I never would know such moments with William. It was that Darcy would share my bed, and from that night.
-I do not worry about anything Darcy, I whispered dragging a hand through his hair, I love you and I know that you may show tender and loving.
He smiled back and kissed me during a long time. Then I put my head on his shoulder and continued to dance, eyes closed.
The party ended late, yet this did not stop us and we finish the evening at dawn, Darcy and I both consuming for the first time our marriage. He was my husband and I had a duty towards him, so start now.
Regain control of your life, it is what we have prepared to sacrifice to hope to have a little piece of happiness. Regain control of your life, does not mean forgetting, however, is knowing how to live with what we have, without asking for more.
to be continued ...