TITLE: Dorian
CHAPTER: 21
AN: Took me awhile to notice, but in the scene where you first meet Felix and Dorian, as he leaves, he turns to Felix with his hands formed in a shape. Then he says, "And Felix, try not to die." It appears like a triangle until I finally realized it must be the sign of Andraste. Dorian is doing more than teasing his friend he's bestowing a blessing. I could be wrong though. Especially since I've been misspelling Leliana's name throughout the story. Thank you for dropping by.
"Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you."
"Phantom Of The Opera." All I Ask Of You
Dorian
Alone on Circe's balcony, I warmed my soul in the morning rays of a sun that rose over the mountains flooding Skyhold with a pure and golden light. Our world, untainted with the miasma of Corypheus' evil and the specter of death was at peace. The shadows that followed us for so many months were chased away by victory and right triumphing over evil. It's happened many times, this battle of good and evil and it will happen again in my lifetime. For now, I'm content. My eyes closed and my fingers formed the sign of Andraste. My prayers came easily today.
"Andraste. Mother of us all. Thank you for your many gifts in my life."
You allowed her to escape again, my son.
I shouldn't be surprised she answered so quickly. The chastising tone didn't surprise me either. "Yes, my Lady. Circe has much to do and does not need me interfering."
She is young and in many ways still a girl who believes in happy-ever-after and the eternal love between a man and a woman. How many times do you think the two of you can run from each other before she finds what she seeks in the arms of another? You do not lack the courage.
"No, Mother. I lack the ability to believe that someone so special loves me. That there is a life for me to live different from any I could imagine."
She is special. She is my herald. Many men bind their woman and seek to extinguish the light all women are born with. You have seen that in your travels have you not?
"Yes, I have. Women cast down or smothered by their man's selfish needs and made old by constant childbearing." My fingers crushed together until the knuckles bleached. I know it as sure as I know I must return to Tevinter that she is right. It grieves me to think that might be Circe's fate. She is so much more than a man's adornment. A dress-up doll to show off to the other nobles by using her to display his wealth. A brood mare for his heirs. No. A sob rose in my chest forcing its way into my throat until it closed and my only outlet was the tears streaming down my face. Not my Circe!
The beauty of the morning faded in light of her truth, but Andraste was not done with me. My gut twisted in response, but I could not deny their reality. And how long have I denied this truth? How long have I played at loving Circe as if it were a game that everyone could win?
If you do not raise your courage to her level. If you fail her again, she will eventually meet a man who seeks to hide her light, but she will mistake it for love. It is the fate of many women. You shy away from the Bull's wisdom. He knows that you and Circe are meant to be. You close your ears to Cole's words. My son, the two of you are stronger together than apart. Mage's heart to Mage's heart. You know this, my son. Your heart knows this as truth. Why do you not act on it?
The light of the morning sun rose over the mountains and left the balcony in shadow. I opened my eyes and wiped the tears from my face. To the new day, I shouted. "I love you, Circe" and tasted for the first time words that I never said before.
As the last word echoed through the canyon the strength of what I felt for Circe flowed through me. You may call it love if you wish, but there is so much more to this bond between us. I will be a husband to my Circe. I will remain steadfast through the births of our children, the pressures of Tevinter life and I know, although it breaks my heart because I am not worthy—she will do the same for me. With stinging eyes I blindly sought her desk and put pen to paper.
Circe
It's done. My steps take wing as I hurry back to my quarters. I'm free. Free of the Inquisition and the burden of responsibilities I no longer believe in. The first person I see on my rush down the great hall is Varric watching me expectantly. He stood by the fireplace in his usual spot, but this time there's a grin on his face.
"Word travels quickly, Inquisitor. For what it's worth I applaud your decision. We've done our part here. It's time to move on. Turn the page, so to speak."
"Thank you, Varric. I shall miss you and your humor. You always gave me wise counsel and lifted me with laughter when I needed it. Thank you."
He bowed at the waist. "I have a message for you. A cryptic poem. You'll be impressed that I didn't interpret it for you."
"I am impressed." I accepted the small parchment, and we shared a laugh. I will miss him. I turned to the firelight.
Not by courier, gossip or crow
She neither toils, spins or sows
Yet, she is your ears and eyes
Grace and Favor, or Soldier, Spy?
This was obviously in Dorian's handwriting. Well, let's see what he's up to. Leliana sat quietly at her desk and didn't bother to look up when I entered the room. I should be surprised that she allowed me in her quarters. After all, I am no longer privy to the information scattered over her desk in the form of hastily penned letters jockeying for position among the maps, lists, and sketches. Leliana used the tip of her quill pen to push the note in my direction.
"One last piece of advice, my Lady. Do not allow your girlish infatuation to lead you to an unhappiness you cannot repair. There will be no mark upon your hand to set things right in Tevinter. Dorian Pavus is nothing more than a novelty among his people. His father's political aspirations a source of humor and infamy."
"Bitch." Came out before I could stop myself. She merely raised an eyebrow. Shocked at my words turned to relief that I no longer lived under her stewardship.
"Good day, Lady Trevelyan. And, good luck. As you will most assuredly require a great deal of it to survive whatever future you and Dorian fashion for yourselves."
How about I fashion a fireball and burn the hair off your head? I thought and wondered just how to go about it. Instead, I grabbed the note and fled. I didn't stop walking until I found myself in the War Room. Quiet, shadowed and empty, the room suited my mood. I found a chair and opened the second note. More evidence the letters were penned by Dorian. The halting lines of his poetry were not difficult to identify.
Your paladin of castle and field
Stubborn, powerful and never to yield
Your bulwark and man for all seasons
Unpredictable, stubborn, your loyal liegeman
The Bull wasn't hard to find. He must have watched me walking through the castle and followed my trail. The place where he led me was private and quiet. He took my hand and pressed the note into my palm.
"Circe?" He began then stopped and shook his massive head, apparently putting a stop to whatever he meant to say. With thoughts of the night he cooled the strange fire that threatened to consume me and gently carried me to bed, I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek. In one quick grab, he lifted me off my feet and into his arms.
"Has that vint kissed you, yet?"
I blushed so hard I think the roots of my hair began to smolder. He only laughed.
"Good. I don't want to be your first kiss. Doesn't seem proper."
I braced myself for the impact his mouth on mine, but it was not to be. Soft as the mist rising on an early spring morning and sweet as warm cinnamon buns from the kitchens Bull kissed me. Overwhelmingly male I couldn't resist him any more than I could resist him that afternoon. How could such a man wield such violence and touch me so tenderly?
When he thought I'd had enough—not sure how he knew because I certainly didn't, he set me upon my feet. Against my lips, he murmured, "You know I love you. Follow your heart, Circe. That vint can give you what you need and more. More than I ever could." With his forehead pressed to mine, he huffed a laugh. "I don't even own a proper shirt. But if you need me, you have only to call, and I'll be at your side."
My arms around his neck, I murmured, "Thank you isn't enough. Although I am still just a country girl from the Free Marches, I make the same vow to you. If you need me, let my staff be your sword and magic your shield."
He nodded, and I swear his eyes glinted in the candlelight. Before I turned to go he stopped me and bent his head to my ear, "You don't really smell like pork that's been left out in the sun."
We both laughed and the sad moment of parting became the easy laughter of friends. I shook away the blues that threatened to rise and found a quiet corner to read my note.
"Forty thousand brothers
Could not, with all their quantity of love,
Make up my sum."
~o~
Don't be too impressed, Circe. I stole that from someone else. Some hack named William...? Don't remember his last name.
~o~
My friend, my light, my unicorn
My joy, my warmth is a lady born
What pleasure I find in my rose
Fairest Mage Flower wake me from my doze
I release my heart into your power
—I call my fair unicorn!
Seek my lonely bower
A place of privacy to meet
A hidden place of savory and sweet
Dorian
As I struggled to set the table just so and arrange the flowers to their best advantage, I realized that seduction, on the whole, was easier than what I planned. A port in the storm? A single night of intense pleasure unhindered by expectations? Domination, submission or a bit of bondage play? These come naturally to me as day followed by night, as Spring follows Winter and old age follows youth. And I shall turn twenty-six on my next name-day and what do I have to show for myself?
I lighted the candles and noticed mana simmers under my skin sending sparks down my limbs. The candles carry light up the stone walls of the small room and illuminate the table set with fine porcelain and crystal. My hands are beginning to show the effort of wielding a staff. My indulgences have begun to show on my face. Yes? The drinking, the late nights and the scars I earned fighting with the Inquisition. My hands have started to ache on cold mornings. The Inquisition extracted a price from me. I do not regret a single moment and I never shall. Life, to survive must move forward, learning new ideas and reforging old ones. All this philosophizing does nothing to quell the mana rising inside me. Without expression, the mana will turn me languid. I close my eyes against the flickering candlelight and allow the unspent mana to possess me. I'm about to admit that I'm frankly terrified when the door opened.
"Circe!" I blurted giving my fear its head. While I silenced the shouting of should and cannot, I watched my Inquisitor glance around the room. Her eyes widened when her eyes landed on the small black box in the center of her dinner plate. She changed from the breeches and jacket she had on this morning. Dressed in a simple gown of dark blue under a black leather coat which opened in the front to show the color of the dress she glittered in the candlelight like an unfettered sapphire. Does she like what she sees? Am I too late?
Finally, her gaze landed on me, and I found myself unprepared. Then as she walked toward me with her hand extended I knew my love for her held enough truths to build a future upon. I kissed her hand and knew that I desired to follow such a chaste kiss with passion. My lovemaking, although, unsure or inexperienced, if you will, would come from my heart and the desire to give myself and my heart into her keeping.
When her hand touched my cheek, the strength and purity of her magic sent me reeling. Such fortitude did she possess that I nearly retreated. I kissed her hand and led her to the table. Any artifice of the situation fell away when I filled her wine glass. She raised her glass and smiled. I answered her silent toast and we set to eating.
We enjoyed our meal silently, while my imagination flew. Circe in candlelight with jewels sparkling from ears. Circe with smudged cheeks sitting cross-legged by the flickering flames of a campfire silhouetted by the stars. Circe in my arms as we circle the ballroom, the envy of everyone. Circe clad only in Orlesian lace and fine linen on the balcony outside my rooms on my family's estate. I see her there in my mind's eye, her slim body outlined by the stars, then heavy with full breasts resting on a belly filled with our child.
She interrupted my musings with an observation so obvious I almost questioned her wit.
"You're quite handsome in the candlelight, Dorian."
"Yes, yes, anyone with eyes can see that. Is there more you wish to add?"
A glint of mischief flickered in her eyes and I knew I'd been had. I can take it, Circe.
"Well," she said setting down her fork and pressing the napkin to her lips. "The beef is perfectly seasoned and the bread is fresh and still warm."
"And the vegetables are tender." I snapped, my impatience growing. Then she took my hand and the bluster faded. I grasped the offered fingers and leaned forward. "I'm glad you're here."
And if that was the most honest words I'd uttered I was glad for it. An eagerness took hold of me
"Thank you for the invitation and the poetry. Your company is always welcome."
Her hand pulled from my grip. How can she sit there so calm and reserved while I'm bursting with ideas and plans for our future! I love her and I will make her happy. Look at her sipping wine as if we're sitting at the feasting table in the main hall. Doesn't she understand my purpose? My darling Circe will be the queen of Minrathous society.
I dropped to my knees. "Can't you guess why I invited you here?" Idiot. My wits are scattered!
Just when I thought I had her attention she almost jumped from her chair upsetting the wine and sending the bottle crashing to the floor. If I hadn't caught her at the door, she'd have made it to the corridor.
I pressed her against the door with my body and framed her face in my hands. "Circe, it is time for truth between us. Yes?"
The fight went out of her and she relaxed. I didn't know what to make of it. She grasped my wrists and pulled my hands away. "Dorian. I've made up my mind to leave Skyhold."
What was she saying? "Of course. You'll leave here and come with me to Tevinter. We'll explore my homeland together." I managed to stop myself from revealing too much. Five minutes ago, I was ready to open my heart to her, now that moment had somehow passed.
She was here, in my arms and I ruined it...somehow... I couldn't bear to hear Circe's next words. The gut punch of it took the air from my body.
"For the first time, I'm free. I want to explore Thedas. Visit the cities. Dorian, you have family obligations. I am aware of the letter that arrived this morning summoning you home. I won't stand in your way."
No. This would not do. "Circe...you'll come with me. We'll be together."
She twisted away and retrieved her wine glass. Making a great show of drinking from the goblet as if it were the most important thing in her world. In my entire life, I've never felt so out of control. I would loose her and all my plans, my dreams would dissolve. My gut clenched...my chest closed...It hurt.
"Those were the dreams of a young girl charmed by a handsome mage from Tevinter."
She was generous with a kind smile, but she wasn't finished. Every word felt like a whip upon my soul. My life's blood seemed to drain away, taking my mana with it. Months ago, I fell on the battlefield and as I lay there imagining what it was like to die, Circe had revived me. This hurt much worse. I was dying. Andraste, guide me.
"His exotic looks and sharp wit caught her heart. She's grateful for all she's learned from him, but she's no longer blinded by her girlish dreams."
"Circe, I love you. You...we can't just throw that away."
The blushing girl vanished and Circe the confident and poised woman appeared. What had I to offer such a woman? Her hand on my shoulder felt like a dagger plunging into bone and sinew.
"Dorian. You know I love you. But we are both free now. Thank you for this enchanting evening and all the moments between us that brought us to this night. I will never forget you, but I understand now, there is no room for me in the life you'll fashion for yourself in Tevinter."
She leaned toward me and kissed my cheek.
"I'll say goodnight. I leave before dawn. May all your dreams come true, my friend and my first love."
I could only stare at the door as it closed and Circe walked out of my life.