Chapter 21
The three ellith passed the following morning without the company of Thranduil and Legolas, who were very much preoccupied with a lengthy council meeting. Guided by Tauriel, the three of them spent their time in the gardens and in the library of the Elvenking's halls. The former Captain also took her friends to visit her chambers in the afternoon, where they sat and had tea and cake. She spoke to them of her long years in Mirkwood, of her memories and experiences there, since she had first been brought to the halls as an elfling by the ellon she now loved.
But her mood in the end darkened, as her thought turned to Thranduil, for she had not seen him since the previous night. She had abstained from visiting him in his chambers late that night, after the feasting elves had returned to their dwelling, for fear she might be unwelcome, although a voice inside her had urged her to do so. And Thranduil had not come to her either.
However, Tauriel wished not to leave things blurry between them. She did not want to let a rather minor argument spoil the time they were to spend together in Mirkwood. So, she decided to go in search of him, as soon as Arwen and Lossendis had retired to their apartments and would remain there until dinner.
Dressed in a simple tunic and close-fitting breeches in the hues of brown and green, which she loved best and felt most comfortable in, Tauriel set out to find him. He was not in the throne room, and the council chamber was also empty. She next thought to look in the gardens, in case he had wished to breathe some fresh air after the tiresome council meeting, but apparently the Elvenking was not there either. As she returned inside, she happened upon Legolas, and it was he who informed her that his father had retired to his chambers early, claiming that his was feeling unwell.
Beset with dark thoughts and anxiety, she quickly made for the King's rooms.
To her surprise, the door was not locked. She knocked lightly on it, but received no answer. Worried, she pushed the door open and entered the study. The door to his bedchamber was left ajar, and she hesitated, deciding to knock again. This time she did receive an answer.
"What is amiss, Galion? I said I need to rest", Thranduil answered wearily and feeling slightly irritated, but his voice sounded a bit distant.
"Thranduil, it is me, Tauriel", she called to him, still with some reluctance in her tone.
There was a short pause of silence before he spoke. "Come in", he invited her then, and she walked in.
A brief glance around the room let her know that he was not in his bedchamber, so she walked to the bathroom. She stood in the doorway and saw the back of Thranduil's silver head, as he was inside his bathing pool and leaning against the wall of it.
Hesitating again, she spoke in a low voice. "Forgive me for the disturbance, my lord".
"Are we supposed to retain formality even when we are alone, my lady?" he asked with slight sarcasm in his voice, but in truth he was feeling disappointed. He then sighed, and when he spoke again his voice was softer. "You are not disturbing me", he told her, but did not turn to face her still.
Thinking that his words contradicted his stance, Tauriel took a step back.
"But you do not seem fond of having company either… Perhaps it would be best if I went", she murmured.
"Tauriel, stay", he called at her and then turned to face her, placing his elbows and forearms on the marble ledge of the pool and propping himself on it.
Tauriel looked at his naked form for a brief while. Then she walked to him and knelt by the pool, worry evident on her features.
"What is wrong, Thranduil? Legolas told me you said you are unwell. Why?" she asked him and her voice was full of concern.
He sighed before answering, and his eyes were deep and shadowed. "Yesterday took its toll on me".
"But why? Yesterday was a day of celebration. Unless you feel sorrow for the departure of some of our kin", she said and reached to softly caress his wet strands.
He shook his head, indicating that was not the reason why he was feeling so weary. "I was overcome with memory… and feelings", he replied and lowered his eyes, slightly turning from her touch.
"You thought of your wife… when Legolas spoke of her, her memory was brought forth and pained you…" Tauriel whispered and removed her hand, as realization dawned on her.
He nodded in affirmation. "Mereth nuin Giliath is not a time of merriment for me. For nearly two thousand long years it has been a bitter day for me. I had hoped your presence might change that…" Thranduil said and his voice trailed off, the depths of his cerulean eyes trembling.
"But it did not", she spoke the words he had not in a defeated tone, and felt a bitter stab in her heart and tears rising to her eyes.
His face held a grim expression. "Change does not happen overnight", he whispered gravely.
"Does not love change things?" Tauriel cried in agony.
"Yes… but not overnight", Thranduil repeated.
"Is my love not enough then?" she went on in the same tone, feeling dismay creeping in her heart.
Thranduil sighed again and averted his gaze, but did not answer. How could he make her understand that the pain of Lothrin's death and the joy of Lothrin's life would never fade, no matter how much she loved him and he loved her?
Thoroughly shaken and disappointed by his lack of answer, Tauriel spoke again.
"I had hoped my love meant something to you", she uttered in a choked voice and a tear ran down her cheek.
"It means everything to me! How can you doubt that?" he cried and his brow twitched as her words pierced his heart like arrows.
"Does it, Thranduil? For I reckon you think rather lightly of it", she blurted out, as a second tear followed the first.
"Lightly, Tauriel? Why would you say that?" His brow was furrowed and his gaze now darkened.
"I have told you I do not wish our relationship to be known publicly. And yet you shamelessly flirted with me in front of Arwen", she replied, feeling hurt.
"But Arwen knew. Although you had failed to tell me, I realized that she knew", he countered.
"You had no right to speak of us openly, even if you suspected that Arwen knew!" she cried angrily.
"Enough!" Thranduil bellowed and sprang up, and Tauriel was stunned into silence. "You will not tell me what my right is and what is not!" he thundered on, his face a mask of rage now and his hair dripping with water. An ominous look was about him. "You accuse me of thinking lightly of our love, but it was me who asked your hand in marriage and wished to make you my Queen, whereas you cower and hide in Rivendell, keeping away from me, and think our love is a game we can play in secret! Who is thinking lightly of our love, pray tell? Who? Tell me!" His voice boomed in the hollow room and he loomed over Tauriel, anger and fury boiling inside him and his eyes were of icy fire, stern and unforgiving, as his gaze pierced her very soul. She gasped in terror before him, her brow twitching and her resolve wavering, and shrank back in fear.
Like a predator he stood, tall and terrible, his chest heaving with rage and the sharp lines of his face drawn tight, and the elleth quickly rose to her feet and ran out of the bathroom, leaving him alone and seething in the tepid water.
Her heart was racing, for she was feeling deeply hurt and scared. Never before had she seen Thranduil so enraged and intimidating, or rather, she had not felt his unbridled wrath directed to her, and the sight of him shocked her. Even when he had split her bow in pieces with one swift blow of his sword, when she had dared point an arrow to his head, she had not felt as fearful of him as she was feeling now. The sight of his looming height, the violent aggression of his tainted fea, and the dominance of darkness upon his manner and bearing had been at those moments so profound that this dreadful image of him would forever be carved in Tauriel's memory.
Hurriedly and with her breath caught in her throat, she walked out of his bedchamber, but on her way out of his study she caught glimpse of a curious parchment lying upon his desk. She paused in her steps and took it in her hand, brushing away her tears, so that she could look at it clearly.
It was a rough sketch. The figure of an elleth was drawn in black ink, and she was tall and fair. Her hair was long and left uncolored, and upon it she wore a circlet of flames that were marked with red ink. The lady stood beneath a tree, and red flowers were painted on the tree's branches.
Tauriel stared at the figure and her lips and hand quivered, while fresh tears brimmed in her eyes. This must be Lothrin, she thought. He is ever thinking of her… He will never love me as he loved her. No, not loved.He loves her still.
"It is Lothrin", Thranduil's voice was heard, and he spoke as if he had heard her thoughts. He was standing in the doorway and was clad in a simple robe now that clung to his still wet body. But such was her astonishment that she had not heard him approaching.
His face now was calm, regretful even, and there was pain in his eyes. All traces of his previous dark manner had vanished. Tauriel stood with her lips slightly parted and her brow furrowed, unable to utter a word, and she was still looking at the sketch. Belatedly she lifted her eyes to him, as if in question. The hurt and fear he saw in their depths shattered his heart.
"It is an image from a very troubling dream I had many months ago, when I left Rivendell for Mirkwood. A similar dream recurred to me last night. This is why I am in such a foul mood", he sought to explain, and his voice was low and hoarse. "You should not have been the recipient of my wrath. Forgive me", he spoke remorsefully and lowered his gaze.
"You never spoke to me of your dreams…" Tauriel uttered, disregarding his apology and still feeling shocked.
"It was a burden I wished not to relay upon you", he said in a low voice, still not looking at her.
She looked at the sketch again and then set it aside upon the desk. "I thought we were supposed to share our burdens", she whispered in a trembling tone.
"This was… very personal", he said reluctantly. "And I would not burden you unnecessarily".
"Very personal?" she quoted him, stressing each word. "Do you not want me in your personal life, Thranduil? Do you wish to keep me out of it? Out of your heart?" she asked him brokenly, her words dictated by her previous thoughts of not being loved enough, and her heart bleeding as if a dagger was embedded and twisted in it.
"Do you truly want me in yours?" he asked her back and lifted his eyes to her, sharing her pained look.
She gasped. "Is that how you feel?"
"I feel so often rejected by you, Tauriel. You doubted my love for a long time, you do not wish to return to me in Mirkwood, you do not wish to wed me and become my Queen, you do not wish anyone to know about us…" he explained. "You wish to go on living as you have lived till now and pretend what we have is not real… am I wrong?" he spoke in a voice heavily laden with hurt, and a tear made its way down his smooth cheek.
Tauriel swallowed hard, for his words rang awfully true to her ears. She looked at him, now standing there so distressed and broken, and thought that this was the same ellon who had made such passionate love to her only two nights ago.
"I have told you of my fears, Thranduil. It is not because of my lack of love for you that I decline your proposal, but of my wish to not become a Queen and face the hatred of everyone in this kingdom. I have fought so hard to find some measure of peace in my life, and when I at last did find it, you came sweeping through and asked me to turn my life upside down again and embark on a journey I do not wish to embark on!" she cried, and fresh tears spilled from her eyes.
Upon listening to her words, his face fell. "I do not seek to cause you misery or pain, beloved. I accepted your refusal. But, do you not see? I am willing to change so much in my life for you, and damned be anyone who would dare voice an objection to our union, but you will not change anything in yours. You will not even allow me to speak to you fondly in front of a third person. You do not trust me enough. You do not love me enough", he concluded gravely.
"You say I do not love you enough? And what of yourself, hm?" she retorted with bitterness and hurt, and grabbed the sketch again. "Will you deny it is her you love and think of in your hours of solitude? Deny it! I dare you to deny it!" she shouted at him and dangled the parchment in front of his face, a victim of her own rising ire now.
He looked at her in shock, unable to give her a clear answer, for his hours of loneliness belonged both to thoughts of Tauriel and his late wife.
With teary eyes and in a shaky voice he only said, "You cannot ask of me not to love her anymore".
Tauriel was embittered by his reply, perceiving it as an attempt of his to avoid telling her it was Lothrin he truly loved still, and that he could never love her as much as he loved his wife. For that she sought to inflict on him the same kind of hurt he had done her.
"Well, Thranduil, perhaps we are both too wrapped up in our old loves to embrace new ones", she spat and flung the parchment towards him.
"This is not true…" he whispered, stunned and shocked by her ministrations, his brow trembling at the sight of the parchment now lying on the floor before his feet. "But if you cannot find it in your heart to love me as I am… if a future by my side seems so terrible to you… if you feel so unhappy to be associated with me, then I will not stop you from leaving, if that is your wish", he finally told her in a grave and mournful tone.
"Are you telling me to leave, Thranduil?" she whispered, while anger seethed beneath her skin.
"No. I would have you stay forever", he spoke in earnest. "But if our relationship is so dysfunctional and brings you more pain than joy, I would not stop you, should you decide to leave me", he said brokenly, barely holding himself together anymore.
Tauriel stood motionless for a long moment. Thranduil stood there before her, entirely lost in despair and defeat. He looked as if he had not the strength to fight anymore. Should she wish to walk away, he would not stop her. Her mind was racing. She was standing on a knife's edge. Everything was hanging upon her next word. Their relationship, their future, their love: everything depended on her next word.
But what should she choose? The pressure she was feeling was immense. Thranduil was looking deeply into her eyes with a patience cultivated through the long course of the centuries. He was waiting for her verdict. Myriads of thoughts crossed her mind, moments they had shared and words they had exchanged, good and bad.
Could their love survive? Was it worth it? Or was it not?
She was starting to feel nauseous and wobbly under the huge emotional strain, while a scene from two nights before played before her eyes:
Thranduil then extended his hand towards her and she gave him hers to hold. He closed her hand in his tightly, as if he would never want to let go. Relishing the incomparable feeling of shared intimacy, he turned his head to Tauriel's direction, who was looking at him with deep love and adoration.
"I love you", she simply whispered to him, but it was the most important truth of all.
A smile of pure joy bloomed on his face and he turned to her side, holding her hand still in his.
"Then promise me you will never leave me", he asked of her in a fervent but uncertain, fearful even, voice.
Tauriel took a long moment to peer deep into his eyes. She remembered that she had asked the same from him when she was an elfling, and smiled to herself. Strange, that so many years later the tables had been turned.
"I promise".
Tauriel felt a dizziness coming upon her, and she shuddered and her knees gave way beneath her. Thranduil, very alarmed, rushed to her side and caught her in his arms just before she hit the floor. She was looking very pale and her sight was hazy.
"Tauriel? Meleth nin!" he cried in worry and despair and lifted his palm to her cheek. Her skin was cold to the touch.
Countless thoughts were dancing in her head but she was unable to put them in order or into words. Were their promises hollow and meaningless? Were they feeble-minded like the Edain? Did they not love each other truly? Did they share nothing but lies?
She tried to open her eyes and focus her vision, but the face of Thranduil who stooped above her was still blurred and hazy.
"Thranduil…" she whispered weakly. "I am unwell".
Then she fainted and all conscience of the living world was lost to her.
Hours went by idly. Afternoon melted into dusk and dusk became night, but Tauriel was still lying unconscious in her cot in the healing ward of the Elvenking's halls.
He had delegated all authority and responsibility pertaining to the realm to Legolas, who also had to hold the dinner and entertain Arwen and Lossendis on his own. For the time being, Thranduil had refused to disclose any kind of information to his son as to his sudden retreat from his duties, but, when Tauriel did not show up for dinner, the Prince's suspicions grew dire. Piecing together the puzzle of his father's agitation and sudden delegation of authority and Tauriel's inexplicable disappearance, Legolas came to realize something was awfully wrong.
After the dinner was ended, he instructed Arwen and Lossendis, who had also been very worried, to retreat to their chambers and wait there. He would go in search of his father and of information.
It was before long that he discovered where he was. Although the guards told him it was the King's order to be left undisturbed, Legolas disregarded their words and marched into the healing ward.
The Prince halted in his step and his expression became one of shock at the sight of a very still and very pale Tauriel. His father was kneeling beside her cot, holding her hand in his, while tears streamed down from his closed eyes.
"Ada…" Legolas uttered. Thranduil slowly opened his eyes and turned them to his son. "What happened?" the younger ellon asked in a very concerned tone.
"We had a row earlier… She was very distressed, and then she lost conscience…" the Elvenking responded, barely able to speak, and turned his eyes back to his beloved's pallid face.
"Has she not come round since?" Legolas asked with his brow furrowed in worry, as he slowly walked close to his father.
"No. She has been like this for hours. And I could be nowhere else but by her side. This is why I delegated everything to you, ion nin", he explained in a choked voice.
"Why did you not tell me earlier?" the Prince demanded, albeit in a measured tone.
Thranduil sighed. "I knew you would be very upset and worried if I told you. And I did not know for how long Tauriel would remain unconscious. There were our guests also, who I did not want to alarm needlessly. Someone had to run the kingdom, son", he spoke earnestly.
"But we were all extremely alarmed by your sudden retreat and Tauriel's absence, ada", Legolas countered, but his voice was soft. It conveyed complaint, not reproach.
"Forgive me, ion nin. I was in no state to think clearly. I am still unable to", Thranduil said in resignation and despair, and then bent his head upon the mattress, while uncontrollable sobs wrecked his entire existence.
Legolas was shocked to see his father in such a state of utter anguish and unfathomable pain. It scared him to see the proud and arrogant Elvenking now brought down by grief, and lost to weeping and lamenting his lover's fate. It was only now that the Prince caught a glimpse of how his father must have felt when Lothrin died, and reason told him that he should multiply the torment he was now witnessing hundredfold.
He came and knelt beside him, carefully placing a hand on his shoulder. His wish was to provide his father with comfort, but how would he react to it?
Thranduil stilled momentarily when he felt the touch, but made no attempt to be rid of it. On the contrary, he leaned into Legolas' arms, and allowed his son to embrace and hold his hunched and grieving form.
"Ada…" the younger ellon whispered sorrowfully. It was heart-wrenching and also unexpected for Thranduil to seek comfort in his son's arms, and Legolas felt a measure of uneasiness as he held his father. "Please… calm down… Weeping will not help her come round", he advised him in a soft tone.
Thranduil drew a little back, stilling his sobs, although his tears still ran freely. "I cannot lose her, Legolas. I lost Lothrin, and her death nearly brought about my own demise. Had it not been for you, I would have faded... I cannot lose Tauriel, for I will surely die this time". His gaze was lost and his voice was low and fatigued as he spoke. "My strength is spent, son. I will not be able to bear it. I will not survive".
"Hush, father. Speak not such words of doom. Tauriel is not lost to us. She lives yet. What do the healers say on the matter?" Legolas tried to speak reasonably, but his heart was fluttering inside his chest.
"Alfirimbes said it was the huge emotional stress that caused her to enter this state of non-responsiveness, but she cannot explain why she remains unconscious still. Her breathing and her heartbeat are normal, but her conscience wanders beyond this world. We should watch over her and wait. Trying to wake her might prove disastrous. This is all she said", Thranduil replied and looked again at the impassive face of the red-haired elleth. "This is my fault, Legolas", he whispered with guilt choking up his voice. "I let wrath and fury take over me… I shouted at her… I frightened her terribly… and then I told her she does not love me enough… It is all my fault! Oh, I feel so ashamed and guilty, ion nin!" he cried.
A new wave of despair washed over Thranduil as his shoulders shuddered again and he wept, hiding his face in his palms.
Legolas shook him by the shoulders. "Ada! Do not condemn yourself so easily. It is absurd that a quarrel or a frightful situation should render her comatose. There must be another explanation to this. By your leave, I will ride to Imladris. Lord Elrond might be able to help", he offered.
For a while the Elvenking stared at his son blankly, as if he was unable to comprehend the meaning of his words. "Elrond?" he muttered.
"Yes, father. He is an expert healer, and possesses yet greater gifts. You know what I speak of... Apart from that, he is your friend. He knows you. He will help both you and Tauriel. Let me go to him", spoke Legolas softly, almost pleadingly.
"Ion nin, what would I do without you in this dark hour of despair?" Thranduil breathed and the corners of his lips drew up in a trembling smile, which lasted only for a few fleeting moments. "Arrange for Arwen and Lossendis to remain here in safety for as long as it is needed, and speak to them of the situation, if you must. Arwen knows of the true nature of my relationship with Tauriel, and perhaps your lady knows as well-"
"She does, father. Tauriel told them both, since they are the only close friends she has", Legolas interrupted him briefly.
The Elvenking nodded. "Saddle a horse and ride to Rivendell at first light, but take a few guards with you. I would not have you traverse the forest on your own, son. Enough worries I have on my mind already", he told him with great care in his tone.
Legolas nodded. "I know, ada. Worry not for me now. I will ride at full speed and I will do as I must", the Prince spoke steadily.
"Find Elrond and let him know of everything. I will be waiting for your arrival, and pray you will not be late", Thranduil said anxiously.
"We will not", said Legolas and there was determination in his voice.
"Thank you, ion nin", whispered the King and drew his son into his arms.
"Be safe father. Do not let your heart falter, and trust to hope", he told him and then stood. "Farewell".
"Farewell, Legolas. May the Valar light your way", he gave him his blessing, and then the Prince turned and left.