[*+]

Scene 21: Spring Cleaning

or

"Waterfall"

Undyne drummed her fingers impatiently on the arm of her throne. Her guards watched her uneasily, so she glared at them, daring them to keep watching. They didn't take the bait.

02 cleared his throat to 01. 01 jerked to attention and glanced back through the doorway, whose doors had been left to dangle permanently in tatters from their hinges. It was a kind of statement. If there were no doors between the public and their empress—only signs of wanton destruction—they would feel free to come and commune with her at any time, just so long as they realized she might decide to personally beat them to a pulp.

"Like, announcing His Scrappiness—Doggo, Captain of the Guard!"

Pickings were kind of slim when it came to guard captains. Undyne had been such an amazing captain for so long that she'd basically intimidated the leadership out of everyone else. Gerson had agreed to be her captain, but he'd taken every opportunity to lecture her, and she'd had to fire him before the day was out. She'd tried Knight Knight as the captain, but her public speaking voice had a way of putting the troops to sleep instead of rallying them. And Greater Dog was just confusing. So now she was trying to draw out Doggo's natural leadership. She'd ordered him to take initiative and do something on his own volition, so he'd started writing treatises. That was something, she had to admit, but even Undyne could see they were crap. The first one had been called, "On the Age-Old Relationship Between Dog and Bone," and had for some reason featured the word "Yarf" used in every part of speech.

"YARF!" cried Doggo, hurrying into the room and performing an awkward salute with the flat of his sword.

Undyne stood up. "Doggo! Good to see you back! How are things in Snowdin?"

He hopped to attention, feet landing at right angles. "Not too shabby, your supreme majesty! When I told the folks at Grillby's they'll be getting a new jukebox, they were kind of excited!"

"Only kind of?" Undyne frowned. "What does it take to get these folks really excited?"

Doggo's lip curled. "Well… breaking the barrier, I guess?"

"Well OBVIOUSLY! But that's gonna take a while! I tried beating up the barrier with my fists, but it actually won! Nothing ever wins a fist fight with me. So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need a scientist. Any leads on that?"

"Scientist? No, sorry… nothing like that in Snowdin," said the hangfaced captain. "Unless I could do it! I've been working on another treatise on the laws of motion!"

Undyne scowled. "What kind of laws?" she asked.

"Well, for example! 'The first law of motion: Objects in motion tend to be asking for it!'"

"Okay, no," said Undyne. "We're gonna have to hire outside the guard. I still feel like someone in the Core is bound to be good at science. The Core is full of eggheads! Some of them literally have eggs for heads!"

Guard 01 piped up from the door. "Well, like, we got some bodacious applications, but… it seems like all anyone knows how to do is their own job! The Core just kinda runs, you know?"

02 stepped forward and handed Undyne a piece of paper. "…This one."

She looked at the application. The picture was of a big-eared mouse in gray overalls with a pocket protector, one Suzy Creamcheese. Under Qualifications, the mouse had written, "Alphys used to talk to me sometimes! My dad used to work with her!" Under Hobbies, she'd listed "Doing stuff on the Undernet," "Recreational Dreaming," and "Wishing I were more like Dr. Alphys." Undyne noticed the applicant had also added a category called "Favorite Puzzle Type" and had filled it in with "120 Degree Shifted Rotation."

She looked up in consternation. "Doesn't anyone around here do any actual science aside from Alphys?!"

The guards looked at a loss. Doggo cleared his throat. "Well, if you don't count my theories on thermodynamic unruliness…"

Undyne leapt from her throne to her royal trampoline and started bouncing. "Doggo, no offense, but your theories are CRAP! I didn't want to have to say this, but I'm actually rethinking the whole 'firing Alphys' thing. Yeah, she was disloyal, but maybe we can get around that? …I could have her build a loyalty machine and put herself in it! Would that work?"

"…Questionable," said 02.

Undyne considered. Would she really want to force Alphys to support her if she didn't want to? That might muck up her amazing brain! "Yeah, you're probably right. But maybe we could talk it out. Or better, HUG it out!" She leapt forward and somersaulted off the trampoline, then picked up Doggo and hugged tight until his tongue stuck out. "MMMMM, governance by HUGS!"

"WAN WAN WAN!" yipped the captain.

Undyne put him down. "Alright, alright. Let's check on Alphy." She yelled toward the door: "PAGE!"

The scrawny orange lizard kid sprang into the room and pranced across the floor, the feather in his velvet cap waving wildly. "Yo, your majesty," he said with a bow.

"Page, you know where Alphys's lab is, right?"

"Yeah! It's right by the L1 elevator!"

"I gave her 'til today to be out of there. Go check on her and see how she's doing, okay? Tell her I want to talk to her."

The kid bowed so deeply he had to whirl his tail to keep from losing his balance. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Oh, and page? Tell her there's a chance she can keep her job. We might be able to work something out."

"Got it! Might be able to work something out and keep her job." He ran for the door, but turned back halfway. "…Yo, that's pretty cool if Alphys can keep her job. I kinda like her." He laughed nervously.

"Yeah," admitted Undyne. "Me too." She waved dismissively and, just for good measure, shot a spear into the floor near the kid's feet. "Go on, get moving."

He leapt high and dashed for the exit. "Yo!"

"So," said Undyne, turning back to Doggo. "What about the rest of your Snowdin report? Weren't they at least happy about my offer to get them a new sign for their library?"

Doggo reached up a leg and scratched himself behind the ear. How did he do that? And why didn't he just use his arm? "Well, the librarians did say they'd be glad to get a new sign… but they didn't want to just throw out the heritage of their old sign, either."

Undyne's eye narrowed. "The heritage?"

"…They suggested a sign that says, um…" He dug around in his vest and unfolded a piece of paper. "'LIBRARY: FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE LIBRARBY'."

"Oh good grief," said Undyne.

That was the last Eggy heard of the exchange. He was on his way down the stairs, taking them three at a time. He still thought they should install a slide for getting down faster, but Undyne hadn't seemed to think that was a big priority when he'd brought it up. That was okay—she was busy with important empress stuff, but she'd probably solve all the big problems before long, and then she'd start listening to Eggy when he came up with cool ideas like a slide. He could take the elevator, of course, but he didn't like pressing the buttons. Haha, buttons were for people with fingers! Who needs' em? He only used the elevators when he was in a hurry.

Which was now, of course. Eggy wanted to be a good page, so he ran all the way to the nearest elevator and punched the call button with his tail. It only took three tries this time. He was getting used to this job!

That was good, because Undyne was cool. She was really cool. Most empresses wouldn't even think about hiring a kid to be part of their court, but Undyne had barely even hesitated before shrugging and saying "Why not?" Eggy's parents had been so proud. For some reason, they never used to act like Eggy was ever going to get a good job, or make anything of himself. Was it just 'cause he was such a turd sometimes? Well, come on, didn't they remember being kids? Just 'cause he made mistakes didn't mean he wasn't gonna be totally rad when he grew up!

Well, one thing was for sure. Undyne remembered being a kid. She even still acted like one sometimes, even though she was all grown up! And she got Eggy. She got him in a way his parents and sister never seemed to. Not that he was really hard to understand! Basically, he just wanted everything to be cool. Was that so hard to get?

Well, maybe it was. Coolness was a complicated idea. It seemed so simple, but the more Eggy tried to say what it was, the harder it got to pin down. And that was maybe the coolest thing about coolness. It was too cool for a definition! It was bigger than itself. Eggy admired coolness so much. He knew he himself wasn't very cool, but someday he was going to be! Someday, he'd figure out how to be cool, and then he wouldn't be a turd anymore and everything would be awesome from then on. Man, that was gonna be great!

The elevator doors opened at L1. Eggy leapt out, then panicked for a moment when he realized he'd been thinking about coolness again and hadn't remembered to repeat his message. What was he supposed to say to Dr. Alphys?! Oh, right! You might be able to keep your job—Undyne wants to talk and work out with you, and how's it going, anyway? Yep, that was it! Eggy grinned in triumph and hurried over to tap his foot on the door. He was turning out to be a good page after all!

The door cracked ajar. It wasn't locked? Eggy stood in surprise for a moment, then cautiously hooked a foot through the crack and pulled it open.

The lights were on. Well, not all of them, just the light near the door. The back of the lab was dark. So was the upper level. "Yo, Dr. Alphys! Are you… are you in here? Ha ha."

There was no answer. So Eggy looked around. At least he could tell Undyne if she'd finished moving out. There were boxes stacked up all against the wall, so it looked like she was probably planning to come back for them, right? Probably she was making a trip to her new home, wherever that was, and if Eggy waited around, she'd show up eventually.

But he didn't want to keep Undyne waiting! He'd have to just go back and tell her Alphys was out. So he turned back toward the door, but on his way out, he noticed the little table the light was shining on, and the papers on top of it. There was big writing on the top paper, so he read it. "To whoever comes after," it said.

What did that mean? Whoever comes after? Did that mean Eggy, since he'd come here after her? He decided to read a little more, just in case.

"If you're reading this, I assume you're my successor. I'm sorry I'm not here to explain everything in person, but I couldn't stay around any longer. There was too much pain. It's one thing when you feel pain on your body, but it's another thing when your whole existence is pain. I don't just mean I felt pain all the time—I mean it was starting to get painful just to realize that I existed. There's junk that's worthless, but then there's the stuff that's worse than worthless, the stuff that it's actually bad to have around. That's what we call garbage. So I decided it was time to take out the trash, that's all. Now that I'm gone, this place is probably a lot neater!

"There's oodles of cool stuff here. Let me start by telling you about the inventions in bins A through K, up against the west wall. I'm really proud of the doohickeys in bin A… they're reverse engineered from cell phones we got from the surface, and can be used to…"

In shock, Eggy nosed the page over and went on to a random place on the next one…

"…what I like to call my 'warm fridge assembly,' in honor of Undyne, but which most people just call an 'oven.' The operational and maintenance specs are given in Appendices D and E, respectively…"

He skipped ahead.

"…until season four, at which point she starts crushing on Borsoff and trying to master his fighting techniques so that she can beat him on his own terms, which she thinks is the only way to win his respect. But unknown to her—and this is the part I find really ironic…"

Breathing rapidly, he skipped to the end of the large print, after which everything else was tiny appendices.

"…and you can't blame them. None of them. They were completely correct. Observations have shown that I'm a defective person, and I make bad decisions all the time. You could say I'm a bad decision engine! So I decided to go and see if I could just maybe, maybe, if I was really lucky, go somewhere better, where maybe I… wouldn't be worse than worthless anymore? I know it's wishful thinking, but what else have I got left at this point, right? In any case, I won't be back. You don't have to worry about me anymore. I hope some of this stuff turns out to be useful, and that the next royal scientist does a better job than I did.

"Oh, and, just in case Undyne doesn't know I loved her? I did. I still do, really. Like, deeply. I thought about writing an appendix of all the stuff I wanted to do with her, all the experiences I wanted to share… but well. That would be kind of pointless, wouldn't it?

"I guess it's time I signed off and took care of the last piece of garbage. There's no need for anyone to miss me. Best of luck!

"Talk about your ultimate spring cleaning,

"Alphys"

Eggy's mind was thrashing. He didn't understand. He must have misunderstood. He was just a kid—he misunderstood things all the time! Still, he knew this note was something Empress Undyne was going to have to see.

Undyne was in the middle of an interview with an applicant for royal scientist. Mettaton was sitting in, and she was grateful, because there was only so much interaction with the public she could take before she started raining down spears and cracking skulls. Mettaton had a less destructive (but no less cutting) way of taking people down a notch. He was a perfect complement for her—always making her laugh and keeping her out of trouble.

"What is a star?" asked the tiny, raindrop-shaped applicant. "Can you touch a star? Can you eat a star?"

"Right," said Undyne. "So we've established you're good at asking questions. That's good. Scientists have to ask questions! But what I want to know is, can you answer them?"

The little monster hopped forward a little. "Can you kill a star?"

Undyne wondered. Could she? "I don't know! Maybe someday we'll get to the surface and I'll find out!"

"Sweet cheeks, please don't ask Undyne what she can and cannot kill. The answer will always be 'yes', and her attempts to prove it will always be destructive." Aww, Mettaton knew her so well!

"Are you a star?" the applicant asked Mettaton.

"Darling, need you really ask?"

Thankfully, that was when the kid got back. Undyne needed the interruption, and she had to admit—she was looking forward to seeing Alphys again. The kid was carrying some papers in his mouth and frowning, though. Normally, he loved wearing his page's cap and carrying stuff in his mouth, so clearly something was wrong.

"Hold up," said Undyne. She took the page's pages and glanced at them. "What's this?"

"Haha… Dr. Alphys wasn't home. So I brought you this note she wrote. Maybe it'll make more sense to you than it did to me… haha."

Undyne read. She frowned, her eyes going wide. She read some more.

…so I decided to take out the trash, that's all.

"No!" she shouted. "No, NO, PUTRID PLANKTON, what have I done?!"

"What are you holding?" asked the raindrop monster. "Is it a star?"

Undyne punted him across the room without looking. She showed the note to Mettaton. "Look!"

He tilted forward and peered at it for a while. Then he fingered through the pages. He and Undyne read the end together.

"How utterly absurd," Mettaton reflected to no one in particular. "Who writes a suicide note with appendices?"

A sliver of hope. "You mean you think it could be fake?" demanded Undyne.

"Oh, no, no. It's definitely real. I just meant the good doctor had managed to outdo herself one last time."

Undyne glared at Mettaton. Was this really nothing to him?

"It's good, really. A person ought to go out in style."

She socked him. He fell sprawling with an augmented electronic "Oooh!" that didn't seem to come from his mouth. Then he sat there, hand over his eye, and looked at her.

Alphys. Sweet little Alphys. Funny little Alphys! Amazing little Alphys! "WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS WAITING FOR?!" she yelled, stomping toward the door. "Let's get to the waterfall! FAST!"

She didn't hear whether they were following her. She was running her fastest, having jumped two levels already. The sound of catwalks under her feet gave way to the splash of sloshy paths, and then came the distant roar of falling water. Everything else was an unimportant blur.

Did Alphys have anyplace else to move? She lived in that lab, didn't she? How could Undyne have forgotten she didn't have anyplace to go? Had things really been so crazy over the last few days that she hadn't been able to spare a thought for her old friend?

No, not crazy, she realized as she barreled forward. It was that the mood was so severe. Undyne had only been able to topple Toriel by being her harshest, and you didn't come down easily from a feeling like that. She'd killed the Dogi, for heaven's sake! She wasn't proud, but they'd stood against her, and it had had to happen. When the mood was amped up like that, you couldn't let someone get away with betrayal. You couldn't even think about it. And Alphys had stabbed Undyne's heart with her betrayal… leaving Undyne unable to even think about her. It had been too painful until now.

And now it was more painful than ever. What had she done? The smell of the dump tickled Undyne's nares. She picked up her pace. Please, please, please!

How many years ago—five?—seven?—Undyne had come here looking for new and better weapons. Anything that wasn't sharp, she could sharpen! Anything broken, she could fix! If she didn't know how to fix it, she'd figure it out! Human stuff was the best—even their junk was better than most of the stuff monsters built.

But what she'd found that day hadn't been junk at all. What she'd found had been an amazing monster with an incredible mind.

HEY! So where d'ya think it leads?

Ulp! Um… hello.

Hi! Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. Good thing people don't leap forward when they get startled, huh? You could have fallen right in! Most folks leap straight up, if they leap at all.

Oh… yeah. Um… I was just… contemplating.

Were you contemplating where the water goes?

..Basically, yes! But, um, the short answer is… nobody knows! It falls closer to the center of the world. Did you know the whole world is round-shaped, like a ball?

No! Really? The whole world?

W-well, the planet we live in. We live really close to the surface, but the planet itself is eight thousand miles from one side to the other! Here, let me show you.

Undyne had found a big pole thing with a handle on the end—a lever or axle or something—and Alphys had drawn with it in the mud. It had been Undyne's first glimpse of the nature of the world, and she was captivated. They'd talked for at least a quarter hour before even introducing themselves.

You know what's funny? We've been talking all this time, and I don't even know your name!

Oh! Yeah, that is a little funny, huh? I guess I tend to… be a little distant? I'm Alphys.

I'm Undyne! But you probably knew that already, didn't you?

Um… no? Should I have?

You don't know who I am? I'm the most powerful warrior in the Underground! Besides the king, of course. But I even beat him sometimes! He taught me to!

W… wow, really? That's… really cool. I'm, uh, I'm an Assistant Royal Scientist. I've hardly ever talked with Asgore, though.

An assistant? Didn't something happen to the Royal Scientist?

*gulp* Um, yeah, and the other assistant quit, and now I'm all alone in the lab… I'm hoping Asgore will hire me to replace him… I actually kind of, um… came here to think about it? There's someone I know who might be willing to help… but… I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it.

Why not? Are you the go-it-alone type who'll never take help from anyone?

Well, not really… but there are… um, ethical questions? I probably shouldn't talk about it.

Well, then, don't! Keep talking to me about the place where the water goes! I haven't been this interested in something theoretical for a long time!

S-sure! Well, what I got thinking about next is… if all this water pours away here, day and night, does that mean the surface will eventually run out of water? Usually, water systems are stable, meaning that the same water goes through in a cycle, over and over. So that made me think that somehow, the water that goes down there must come back up and rejoin the aquifers! Otherwise, we wouldn't have any water left by now. But the question is, how? How could that much water defy gravity without the energy of the sun to make it evaporate? Unless maybe…

The waterfall was quiet. No glimpse of white and yellow by the brink. No thrumming machines or drawings in the mud. Just garbage.

There were footprints in the mud near the stream. Undyne ran, following them, hoping desperately for them to turn and lead somewhere other than the brink of the falls.

But that's exactly where they led. And there was no trail back.

Undyne roared. She broke down and pounded the mud. She heaved huge gobs of it over the side in anger. She seized huge pieces of garbage and crushed them, or twisted them to bits, or hurled them with angry cries into the void.

Then she realized that Alphys might actually still be alive down there. She had a jet pack phone! She could be falling a little at a time, taking things slow… and Undyne could have just spoiled it all by dropping a bathtub on her head.

She really needed to stop being an idiot. Undyne never thought of herself as an idiot, but the evidence was right there in front of her. She'd met Alphys at this very waterfall, staring down quietly into the blackness, contemplating. She'd seemed embarrassed to be caught there. Alphys had come just after losing someone really important to her—the old Royal Scientist—and was grappling with 'ethical questions' she wasn't comfortable talking about.

And somehow, Undyne hadn't realized she was suicidal until now?!

Alphys had been a flower who needed watering. She'd needed someone to treat her gently. To guide her in the right direction, open her up without touching any nerves, soothe her when she needed comfort. Someone to show her how much she was worth, to remind her how much she was loved, to talk her down whenever she was on the edge.

And what had Undyne done?

She'd called her up randomly to ask about the weather.

"Damn it, Alphys," she muttered, kneeling in the mud. "You needed someone better than me. DAMN IT."

"Yo… Undyne… are you… are you okay?" asked the lizard kid, standing fearfully nearby.

She slumped. "No. No, I'm not freaking okay. You should probably get out of here."

"But I want to help! Is there anything I can do?"

"You can GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, KID."

"Dude!" said Guard 01, who'd just arrived on the scene.

"Dude!" replied the lizard kid.

"Dude," said the guard, softly and meaningfully.

The kid nodded. "Dude." He looked back at Undyne once more, then ran off, tripping once into the mud as he went.

Mettaton settled down nearby using his personal rocket. "No sign of her, I take it?"

Undyne gritted her teeth. "Goddamn footprints leading off the cliff. Mettaton, you think she might be okay down there? You've got a rocket, can you go after her?"

"Not for long, I'm afraid. This thing is a monster drag on my battery supplies."

"Maybe she's using her jetpack to stay near the top?"

"If I know Alphys, darling, she wouldn't go at this halfway. She'll have taken a leap of faith. And yes, it's possible her phone might have kept her safe, but it's unthinkable she'd be close enough for me to reach her. It's a good thing she finally gave me the tools to maintain myself, or I'd be inclined to panic."

"Didn't you care about her?" Undyne hissed. "Didn't she mean anything to you?"

"She meant a great deal to me," said Mettaton. "She represented my weakness. I used to be nobody, and I was reminded of that every time I saw the good doctor. Undyne, you're not planning to hit me again, are you?"

She took a moment to cool down. Would it do any good to hit Mettaton? "No," she told him. "You're not worth it."

"I think I'll take it upon myself to dispose of her possessions, if you don't mind. Appendix A was a Last Testament, and we may as well carry it out faithfully. Do you mind if I broadcast the event? One doesn't throw away a chance for ratings."

Well, that would be tacky. But what else would she expect from Mettaton? "Knock yourself out. Just treat her memory with respect, okay? Or I'll pull you apart one semiconductor at a time."

"Understood, your supreme majesty. I would hate to die such a… tedious death!"

Undyne growled. "One QUARTER-conductor at a time!"

"Now, now!" he protested. "I'm going!"

She crawled to the edge and looked down. Pebbles and clods of dirt fell even as she watched. Alphys had told her a dozen theories about what was down there, and some of them were even nice. Her note hadn't seemed very hopeful, but maybe Alphys really had found a better place for herself, down past the void. If she'd saved enough power in her phone, that was, and nothing had gone wrong. Undyne would almost certainly never see her again, but… maybe she could be happy somewhere else. Maybe she could even find someone better for her than Undyne ever was. That thought, at least, brought her a little solace.

A metal finger on her shoulder grabbed her attention. Royal Guard 02. "Yeah?" she snapped. "What is it?"

He extended an armored hand. "found this… over there."

"What is it?"

His gauntlet opened to reveal a smashed cell phone. "…jetpack," he said.

Alphys's cell phone? Left behind!?

"Dammit," said Undyne, falling to her knees and squinching her eyes shut. So much for solace.

That night, she sat in the coffin room with her knees hunched and chin slumped. She barely listened while the tape played.

"CORRECT," said Mettaton, in his old rectangular form. "DR. ALPHYS HAS A CRUSH ON… THE UNKNOWABLE."

Well, that was where she'd ended up.

"YOU SEE, ALPHYS BELIEVES THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE. SOMEONE WATCHING HER. SOMEONE SHE THINKS IS 'CUTE' AND 'INTERESTING.'

That's me, thought Undyne sullenly. And look what good it did her.

"HELLO, THEORETICAL PERSON. DR. ALPHYS LIKES YOU. TOO BAD YOU ARE NOT REAL." A derisive sampler of laughter backed the zinger up.

"H-hey, I've done research about this!" Alphys protested. "There are alternate universes out there! S-someday, maybe, I could meet them…"

"YOU SAID THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT 'MEW MEW KISSY CUTIE.' BUT I'LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. PERSON, IF YOU'RE OUT THERE… HOW ABOUT GIVING US A SIGN, RIGHT NOW?"

Undyne did nothing to break the silence.

"…THAT SETTLES THAT, DOESN'T IT?"

** THE END **

A/N: Thanks, everyone, for reading and hopefully enjoying Alphys and the Queen. I really appreciate all the reviews and PMs you sent, and I h—

** . . . OF PART I **

Wait, we're not done?

** NO WE'VE GOT A WHOLE 'NOTHER PART **

Oh. Um! Okay. Well, I guess this may seem like an ending, but it's really just the... halfway point? I wonder what the rest will be about. Maybe we're in for twenty-one chapters about the raindrop monster, Loren, who was so unceremoniously booted out of this chapter. Or twenty-one chapters of Soriel! Or Undyne angst. Or maybe a sudden point-of-view shift to the surface? We could even have the Annoying Dog be our new protagonist! What do you guys think?

** DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY WRITE IT **

...I didn't realize you were going to reveal that. Well, um, sure! Let's retroactively name Part I "A Queen's Quest" and see where things go from here.

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