I spent my Sunday reading manga, drawing, and cutting. I didn't pick up the phone unless it was Miles, and I had almost no interest in anything that had to do with being with someone else. I just wanted to be left alone, with no one to talk to. That sounded like an excellent plan.
As I walk to school, I feel annoyed at everything. I take my hair tie and whack myself a few times just to keep myself sane. I know that I can't cut in front of everyone, but if I was in the safety of my room, I would still be cutting. I kick a single pebble down the sidewalk and accidentally hit another kid with it, even though he probably didn't feel it. I didn't really care either way, so I just let it go. Besides, what's the point of getting yourself all caught up in crap like that? That's right, there is no point. Not after everything that's happened to me.
I see Eli as I go to my locker to put away some manga that I had laying around in my bag. I don't feel like talking, so I pretend I'm interested in a random One Piece manga that I've already read, but that idea fails as soon as Zane notices my presence. "Hey Audrey!" he exclaims happily as if nothing has been happening at all, and it's just a normal day of school. Well for me, no day is normal. At least not anymore. But I ignore these thoughts, because I don't want to be worrying right now. It'll be a miracle if I even make it through this day, because I'm already feeling drowsy from the events surrounding Fitz and Owen. "You okay?" he asks, and I can only nod. He notices the One Piece book in my hand. "I haven't read that one," he tells me, "Mind if I borrow it?" I give a dumbfounded look. "Since when were you into manga?" "Since I kept seeing you reading it all the time in the library." I roll my eyes playfully as I hand Zane the book. "Your hair looks kind of messy," he tells me, and I move my hand to feel it, and he's right. "Here, let me fix it." and he takes a gentle hand and fingers through the area where I usually part my hair to cover an eye. Zane thinks it's become my new style, and I think he's right, since he has amazing hair himself. He accidentally lightly touches a little bit of the area where Fitz had punched me, and I felt a pang of sting. I instantly pull his hand away and he's startled. "Zane don't...don't touch there," I whisper loudly. "Did something happen?" he asks, obviously worried. He looks a little at the place where he touched. "Is that...a bruise?" he asks, and I shake my head. "Zane, it's nothing, really," I lie, and I'm off to my next class.
After the first period is over, I go to the bathroom to do my usual routine of hyperventilating and adding a cut. I'm really thankful that nobody is in the bathroom, especially now, because I need to reapply some of the makeup onto my bruise. I take the powder brush and lightly put it over my bruise. I blend it lightly with my index finger and I head out.
As I walk in to the classroom, Eli automatically knows that something is up.
"You didn't answer my call yesterday," he says, "And you didn't answer Clare's call either." "My phone was off for the day," I lie, and Eli doesn't believe me. "Are you trying to avoid me or something?" "Of course not!" I exclaim unintentionally. I could tell Eli was going to make a comeback, but it was too late. Class had already started.
If I had thought my disaster of the day was already super bad, trust me, things got way worse. And it started getting way worse the instant I walked in to English class. I had come a little late, and the only open seat was next to Adam. I sigh and reluctantly take a seat. I'm trying hard not to look at him, because he was the reason why I have to go through all this. I'm still trying to get over my breakup with Adam, mainly because us breaking up just literally invited Fitz to take advantage of me. I fight back tears as Ms. Dawes goes on and on with her lecture. I can feel Adam's gaze on me, and it feels actually somewhat sympathetic, like he had an idea of what was going on, everything except for my mom killing herself. I'm actually trying not to think about that. It's not that I don't care, it's just upsetting to think about. I didn't even get to know her anyway.
When Ms. Dawes finished her lecture, she split us into partners to do an in class essay, and of course my partner is Adam. This should be fun. "So..." he says, "What topic should we choose?" "I don't know," I mutter, "Let's just get this over with." I let him pick the topic and I just aimlessly follow along. We do however get a good, solid start, and I guess I'm okay with that, even though Adam constantly tried to start conversation even though he knew full well that I had no intention to talk to him at all.
When class ends, I don't even bother talking to anyone. I just grab my things as quickly as I can and make my way outside for lunch. But of course, Adam wants to talk, so he follows me down the hallway. "Can we talk?" he calls, and I don't answer for a while until we're outside. "What are you doing?" he asks, "Why can't you look at me?" "Because I don't want to," I mutter. "Look, I don't care if you don't want to talk, we need to. Just, tell me why you won't talk to me. It's been a month!" By now, I'm flaring inside with anger. I feel like I want to snap at him, but instead I turn around and look him in the eye. "You know full well why I won't talk to you," I say slowly. "Fitz. I get it." he replies, "But that was a huge mistake. I really want you to take me back. Please?" "Why should I?" I exclaim in anger, "I just know that you're going to get jealous of my friendship with Eli and then we'll break up all over again." "Audrey, that's not true-" "I don't care! And I also hope you're happy, because ever since Fitz and I hooked up, he's-" I stop myself from telling him about the whole deal with him and Owen. "Fitz what," he challenged me. I paused for a moment to think whether or not I should tell him. "Nothing. I know you don't care," and with that, I walked away from him and to the picnic tables.
I'm walking alone until I hear something following me coming from Riley's familiar footsteps. "Audrey, I care. I want to know what happened." "Stay out of it," I warn him, but he doesn't listen. "If it's something that has to do with Fitz, I might be able to help." I sit down at a picnic table and Riley of course sits right next to me. I'm deciding whether or not I should tell him what's been going on. It would be totally different from telling Adam, since Riley isn't my ex and Riley isn't one of the causes for this mess. But, I don't really trust him. "Look Riley, I know you're just trying to help, but you just...you just don't know what it's like. What anything is like." And I started to walk away from the school. "Try me!" he calls, "No!" I call back, "I'm just going to go home. I don't feel well," I lie, because I know exactly where I'm going, and it's not home.
As I get farther and farther away from the school, I pick up a rotting stick and I let it slide across the wire fencing, my hand guiding it's path. I feel surprisingly at peace, just holding the stick and walking aimlessly. It's really relaxing, and I feel a lot better. In fact, I have no urge to cut, not even whack myself with the hair tie that I can use while I'm in class if I ever have the urge to cut during class time. And for the first time in a long while, I actually feel calm.
I walk aimlessly for what seems like an hour until I come across a bridge. My footsteps begin to get slower and slower. I'm firmly grasping the rotting stick as I look down at the icy looking water. I suddenly remember my mom and how she committed suicide without me even getting to meet her once. I wondered for a long time whether or not she jumped off a bridge, but Miles says she stabbed herself. I shudder and keep staring at the water.
And that's when I wonder; Should I just kill myself too and make everyone happy?
My eyes are locked on the water, thinking about what it would be like to just die and have no one do anything about it. It did seem like a legitimate choice, considering all the shit that has gone down in the past two months since my arrival at Degrassi. Me falling in love with Adam, Miles getting a girlfriend and then moving in with her, me falling in love with Fitz, resulting in a violent break up, and my mom committing suicide, me being a possible reason. I also remember that it was because of me being the second child that my parents decided to just abandon us all together, so was life really worth living now? Not really.
But then I remember Eli's dead ex, Julia, and how much pain he had to go through when that happened, and I couldn't even imagine the pain that he could feel if I killed myself. He'd probably miss me, and so would Clare. And Sav. And Anya. And Zane. And Riley. And even Holly J, even though we mainly conversed during math class. It would probably affect a lot of other people too, like my two closest friends in Montreal that I almost never talk to anymore, which makes me pretty sad, because they were great too. But would Adam miss me? Probably not. But I decide that I probably shouldn't die, for Eli's sake and everyone else.
I discover that while I was having all of these thoughts, my nose was running from the cold and my hand that was once holding a rotting stick is bleeding. Apparently I must have been squeezing the stick so hard that I actually broke it, but I didn't really feel much. I search my bag for a bandage, paper towel, anything. And then, by some miraculous discovery, I find a piece of cloth and a safety pin. I wrap up my wound and clip the cloth to keep it place, and that's when I start to actually feel sick, so I head home.
I unlock the door and crash on the couch, my head feeling lighter than usual. I take my cat Mindy and let her rest on me. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I suddenly feel everything go completely numb.