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Chapter 21

Cause I still don't know how to act

Don't know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

Cause you're long gone

But I still don't know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you're long gone and moved on

But you're long gone, you moved on

So how'd you pick the pieces up yeah

I'm barely used to saying me instead of us

The elephant in the room keeps scaring off the guests

It gets under my skin to see you with him

And its not me that you're with

Oh from this moment on

I'm changing the way I feel yeah

From this moment on

It's time to get a real

Long Gone And Moved On– The Script

BPOV

"And that's it?" Alice asked, sitting in front of me. She was staying over at my house and, in a very girlish way I must add, we were having a sleepover. I was fast-forwarding The Last Song to the part Liam Hemsworth appears shirtless –which is the sole reason I own the DVD because, Miley Cyrus? Not such a good actress on the big or otherwise sized screen- while Alice painted her toenails with a look of utter concentration and her tongue poking out of her mouth.

"Yup."

"And what are you going to tell him? Because I know he is expecting an answer or something other than 'I'm gonna go'."

"First of all, what did you expect me to say? Second of all, he does?"

She looked up at me and nodded seriously. "Yeah, we talked the other day."

"I don't really know, Alice. I mean, I just got out of this fucked up relationship and I can't honestly say I am over it. I don't know what to tell him, Al, I hate it that I've been avoiding him all week but I can't honestly bring myself to answer his calls."

"Come over sometime tomorrow, and then you guys can talk. I mean, if that's cool with your parents."

"Yeah, I guess I should do that and, no, I don't think they'll mind." It was Wednesday before Thanksgiving but the date had never meant much for my parents, I have no idea why, and if we celebrated it was because we usually had dinner with the Cullen's and I didn't see that happening this year, they had stopped hanging out so much lately. "So," I said, dragging out the word. "What's up with you? I haven't seen you much in the past couple weeks." By this point she was blushing profusely and I smiled mischievously. "Spill!" She screeched and hid her face in her hands. She pulled her legs up to her chest and crossed her arms over her knees, resting her chin atop them.

"I am so stupid, Bella."

"This is so about a boy." I said, pulling a pillow onto my lap, being such a girly girl and loving every second of it. She nodded. "Who is it?"

She took her time before, very slowly, whispering. "Jasper." My smile disappeared. "I know! I know!" A look of utter sadness crossed her face and I couldn't help but feel bad for her so I reached over and squeezed her foot, which was the closer part of her I had. She sighed, "Is that, I should know better, you know? But here I am nonetheless, falling for that son of a bitch." I smiled at how she worded it.

"You don't have to tell me but, how did that happen?" She hid her face again.

"We hooked up the day of Emmett's party." She mumbled, and if it hadn't been for the fact I had muted the movie, I wouldn't have heard.

"Halloween?" She nodded.

"But then I realized how stupid I had been so I just ignored him afterwards, but he is always around. I don't even know how he does that! And he asked me out and I turned him down so he went onto full asshole mode for the next few days but the past couple weeks or so he's been like, extra attentive, in a good and sweet and nice way, and I don't even look his way but he is everywhere!" She looked up smiling lightly and looking at me as if looking for some sort of approval. When I didn't answer she looked down again. "But I am mad at him right now," She said, somewhat petulantly. "I told him I'd go out with him if he stopped drinking but last week he not only drank but I found him snorting something, too." She scoffed and laughed darkly. "Yesterday he sent me flowers. Lilies, because they `remind him of me´."

"I, honestly, don't know what to tell you. I just… I know he doesn't do that kind of stuff for girls so maybe he actually likes you but, don't expect him to change, Alice."

"I know."

"Boys suck, that's all I am saying, they just complicate our lives." I said, laying down and turning the volume up.

"Truer words have never been spoken, but, Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"If you really like Riley you should give it a chance."

"I know." My eyes, for some reason, zeroed in the corner of my mirror that was tainted with the glue of scotch-tape and decided that I, not only knew I should, but I would.

I was tucking my blouse inside my skirt when Mom knocked my door and leaned against the doorframe. "Looking good, huh?" I glared at her through the mirror, knowing what she was implying. And yes, I put extra effort when I knew I'd be seeing Edward but I had already planned my outfit for the day before my parents told me that we were actually going to the Cullens for dinner, blowing up my plans.

"Well, yes, I do have plans, you know? Plans I intend to go through." I say, fastening my belt around my waist.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but you know we have Thanksgiving dinner with the Cullens every year."

"You could have still told me."

"Where are you even going that is so important?"

"Alice's." I mumbled, blushing, knowing she would catch it.

"Oh, I see." She said smiling. "Tell you what, you can leave after dessert."

"Thanks," I turned to smile at her, appreciatively. Of course I had no idea dinner would be so awkward and I'd find myself wishing I had put more of a fight before giving in and agreeing to come. Not only was it obvious that Carlisle and Esme still didn't know but Edward was being all silent and brooding and it fucking irked me because if any of us had the right to be acting that way, that person was me.

"Edward," Esme started, "It's your turn to say what you are thankful for."

"Nothing." He grumbled and Esme laughed, somewhat embarrassed.

"Come on, Edward, don't be like that. There has to be something, or someone" She gave me a pointed glance as if I was that someone. "You are th-"

"No, there's not, Mom. My year has sucked." He said curtly, looking at her and leaving no room for discussion.

"Um, okay. Bella?"

"Well, I am thankful I've finally opened my eyes." Edward's eyes shot up to mine from across the table as if warning me but I only raised my eyebrow, he discreetly nodded to the head of the table where his father was sitting before shooting me a pleading glance and I raised my eyebrow further which he responded by merely sighing and running a hand through his hair. The rest of the dinner was filled with normal conversation between the adults with little snarky input from me, from which Edward would be the only one to fully understand them.

When the tension was thick enough that it could have been cut with a knife, Esme thought that by sending us to the den it would decrease and I guess for them it did. It upset me, because we haven't had dessert and as I stood up Mom gave me a pointed look that said I would have to wait until we actually had dessert. Edward held the screen door open for me and, I don't know why, but I felt like hitting him because of it, I sat on the couch, taking my phone out to check why it had vibrated during dinner. When that was done, I kept fiddling with it, pretending to do actually do something with it while, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward hesitating by the other end of the couch briefly before sighing and sitting in a chair diagonal from me. My phone beeped and he looked up from his lap, I shook my head and looked back down.

B, what time are you coming? –A

After dessert. I don't know when that is though. –B

"I didn't think you would come." Edward said, twisting his hands together in front of him, awkwardly attempting to make conversation.

"I wasn't going to." I replied shortly, not looking up from my phone.

"You look good." He tried again, several minutes after.

"Thanks." I said, still not looking up. In all honesty, I had no idea why I was so pissed at him. I mean, yeah, I had a pretty good reason but in all the other times we were forced to be together it hadn't been like this. Pure, raw anger. There was always this hint of sadness and sorrow and longing but it just wasn't there. And I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about it, or if I was even supposed to feel anything because of it. After that, he gave up with a sigh and reached over for a laptop that was on the table in front of us. I sneaked a quick glance at it and the sticker of a pear over the Apple logo told me it was his. He always thought it was hilarious and I never really understood why but I always thought it was kind of cute, not it only seemed lame and stupid.

I had no problem staying there, no talking at all, because I could see it was making him anxious but there was something I had to know. "I don't understand why you haven't told them." I looked up and realized he had been staring at me, he held my gaze for a minute or so before sighing and running a hand through his hair.

"I don't know how." He admitted, making that face. His eyes squinting, looking to the side and the side of his mouth twitching. "I take it your parents know."

"Of course." In that moment I thought of Riley and my Dad talking, plating cards and stuff. It hit me that it was a nice change. A relaxed environment over the always tense and awkward environment when Dad and Edward were in the same place.

"Do they know why…?" He asked, trailing off and I found myself feeling disgust because he couldn't even acknowledge what he had done.

I looked down to my phone, crossed my legs and squared my shoulder. "I hate you, Edward." I said, looking briefly up at him, as if to get my point across. "But I don't want you dead." That was an entire new kind of grieve I would have to go through, and I was barely keeping up with the one I was facing.

"Right," He said bitterly and I looked up at him incredulously. "You hate me." He said in a voice filled with so many emotions I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint even if I had tried for hundred years. He tossed the laptop back on the table, causing me to cringe as it met the wood with a loud thud, before he stood up and walked to the door, with my eyes following his every movement. I couldn't help the pang of guilt and sadness that followed. The door snapped closed after him and I sagged against the couch, feeling that tightening in my chest I had only recently stopped feeling. I don't even know how long after my phone went off beside me and, not lifting my head, I looked at the screen.

Mom sent me for ice. I'm nearby. Want me to pick you up? –A

I looked up as the door opened again. Edward walked in and not looking at me even once set a plate with, yes, dessert on it. "Mom sent me to give you this." He walked right out and I glared at the offensive plate on the table. I didn't really felt like leaving anymore.

Everyone outside had been my family for such a long time. Yes, Mom and Dad were my family but Carlisle, Esme and even Edward had joined that. Way before Edward and I started dating, of course that feeling only heightened once we did. However, he and I were no longer together and the tension we all felt throughout dinner was a clear way to made me realize that, despite how much I still appreciate them, his family was no longer part of mine anymore. With that though in mind I replied.

Al, pick me up –B

EPOV

Right, left, right, left, right, lef-

The door squeaked as it was opened and I stopped the movement of my hands fisting the ball beside me. Bella looked up and saw me sitting at the top of the stairs. I thought I saw sadness in her eyes but her stare did not last more than a second so I couldn't be sure. From my spot I couldn't see her after she had taken a couple steps from the door but I heard her as she graciously thanked my parents, apologized for having to leave, excused herself and awkwardly dodged the question of whether I was going with her. She didn't say where she was going but it was not hard to guess. Earlier, Mom had sent me for something to the grocery store and I might have overheard Alice and her brother talking about Bella going to their house. Which is why I had been all emo-ish the entire day, and I could tell it had pissed of Bella but I couldn't really help myself and when I did try to make some kind of conversation she was all short with me. I know I deserved it but it still hurt.

Besides, it was true, my year had completely sucked.

And today was just another reminder of how badly I had fucked up. Today and, well, the entire goddamn week. And yes, I know, it's only been three days and a half into the week but it might as well have been an entire month and I wouldn't have noticed the difference. Last week, I was going to tell Bella that I was just going to let her be and even though I didn't get to actually tell her, I still went through it. She usually got to school with less than five minutes to spare so I didn't have to avoid her –although hide from her would be more appropriate- during that time, at lunch I would go out to the parking lot for a smoke, or two, or maybe even three, so she could… I don't know, be herself. There was nothing I could do about English, though. We had to sit side by side during an entire period everyday and even if I didn't even look at her, well, more like I didn't let her know I was staring, I knew it bothered her. She adored that fucking class but she was just so out of it that she had failed the last two tests.

In overall, however, she just looked so fucking happy that it made my pain worth it. And I knew this because I might have stayed, hidden behind the bleachers, for Cheer practice. I had no idea if it had always been like this, her being different while on practice or if it was something new, but it was as if she was a complete new Bella. Not even Tanya seemed to bring her down, and that was saying a lot because she tried her damn hardest to.

I sighed, restarting the movement of my hand as she crossed my mind. While I had been behind those bleachers, I heard Tanya gushing to her friends about her 'absolutely perfect boyfriend', also known as: me. Of course everything she had been saying was a complete lie. Yes, I was still letting her hang around me but it was just that, Tanya walking next to me. Honestly, I have no idea why I haven't just broken up –and I use the term loosely- with her, or why she had been putting up with me when I barely even talked to her.

I didn't move from my spot on the top of the stairs and kept throwing the rubber ball around for hours. I smiled politely at Renée and the Chief as they were shrugging on their coats and ignored the scowl coming from my father after the door was closed and Mom's worried glance. I stayed sitting there until I stopped hearing the sounds of dishes being moved around and I heard Mom laughing, probably at something Dad had said. I stood up and dragged my feet to the attic but before I could turn the knob and walk in, I walked back to my bedroom to change my dress clothes for jeans, a cotton shirt and a hoodie, and picked a particular black shoebox from the top shelf in my closet, tucking it under my arm as I walked back to the attic.

Once inside, I locked the door and walked to the window, opening it and sticking my hand out to check it wasn't that cold. It wasn't, so I climbed out of the window to sit on the roof and for the fiftieth time since I had gotten the boxes I went through the pictures, one by one, taking my time to examine them. Halfway through the box my phone beeped in my pocket, I snatched it out, cursing myself for having it on before cursing out loud when Tanya's name flashed on my screen. However, before I could turn it off I remembered why I had it on in the first place so I just rejected the call and dialed.

"Edward, dear." I smiled, kind of, and removed the box from my lap, placing it beside me and lifting my legs up to my chest. I hadn't seen them in a while, they were off travelling across the country, and I missed them but they had promised they would be here by Christmas.

"Hi, Nonna. Happy Thanksgiving." I talked to her for a while before I asked about Gramps, and she insisted I talk to him. It was terse and awkward and when I couldn't take it anymore, "I am sorry I disappointed you." I sighed, he cleared his throat.

"Have you told her?"

"She knows, Gramps." I said, omitting the part where Tanya was the one telling her.

And he didn't need to ask to know what had happened. He probably could sense it in my voice. He had always been like that. "I am sorry it ended."

"So am I, Gramps. So am I."

I left the black box on the couch by the corner before stretching my arms over my head and groaning as my muscles flexed and my bones cracked, I looked down to my watch –something I started wearing after my phone started being off most of the time- and realized it was almost midnight. I picked back the box and headed to my room, leaving it on the top shelf of my closet before undressing and brushing my teeth. With my back to the mirror and toothbrush in hand, I stared at the corner of my closet where the boxes were. I shook my head before turning around and rinsing my mouth. I yawned and scratched my stomach, frowning when I realized I was getting soft, which led me to realize the last time I had worked out was in May. I considered starting jogging or something but I hadn't really eaten during dinner, so right then I was just hungry. As I closed my door behind me, I idly considered going back in to put some pants on in case my dad was still around but, hell, I was wearing my boxers and, for some reason, I think an argument with my dad would be welcome right now.

What wasn't welcomed, however, was a heart-to-heart with my mother.

"Hi, Mom." I muttered as I walked past her and into the kitchen. She had been walking out but when the kitchen was suddenly lighted up as I checked the fridge, I knew she had come back in. I shook the box of juice and deciding I'd drink it all, I kicked the fridge closed and leaned against the counter facing my mother and taking a swig right from the box.

"Edward," She reprimanded and I had to bit back my remark. Now you are talking to me?

"Yeah?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"Why would you assume there is something wrong with me?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Because you have been locked up in the attic all day? Or maybe because I have barely heard you speak all week? I don't know, maybe it could be because of the fact you haven't slept in your bedroom in almost two weeks?"

I shrugged. "I'm okay." It wasn't a lie. I wasn't good, I wasn't bad. I was okay.

"Edward," She said in that tone she, and only she, could pull off. The tone that would let me know she was worried but that she was still in parent-mode, not in loving-and-indulgent-mom-mode.

"I was talking to Gramps today. Maybe I don't have anything to say. I can't sleep in there." I said, replying to all her… I don't know, questions? Accusations?

"I am worried about you, Sweetie. Talk to me."

"Don't. Don't worry about me." I dropped the unfinished box in the trash can and reached into a cabinet looking for my bag of Oreo's so I could just go back to the attic.

"Have you tried that with peanut butter?" Bella asked looking up at me. I frowned and my nose twitched in disgust.

"No." She smiled and moved the pillow she had been resting her head on, I pulled it beneath my head so I could see her better as she sat cross-legged beside me.

"It's good," She took one of the cookies and took one of the sides and placed it on my stomach as she dragged her finger across the other side over the white cream before bringing it up to her lips. I smiled. She was so weird sometimes.

"Where… How did you even find that out?" She took another cookie and repeated the process, pilling the empty ones over my white shirt.

She shrugged. "The Parent Trap." She talked with her finger still in her mouth.

"The what?"

"The Parent Trap. You know, the movie?" I shook my head slowly and her eyes widened in mock horror. "Are you kidding me? Lindsay Lohan. Twins. Bitchy almost step mother?"

"Sorry, Baby." I said, smiling. "Haven't seen that."

"Oh my God! That's like, common knowledge."

"Oh my God!" I said, imitating her. "I don't care." She glared at me and tossed a cookie at my face.

"Jerk."

"Stop eating my cookies." I tugged on her shirt, pulling her to lay next to me again.

"You are such a kid."

"You love it."

"I do."

"To the left." She said softly, and I shook my head, looking into the cabinet she pointed out, realizing I had just stood there with my arm outstretched as the memory floored me. They came just like that, most of the time. Any random thing would trigger a memory of something I had never thought anything of making me wish I had done things differently. With a sigh, I picked a bag of anything that wasn't what I was looking for and walked out. As I had said before, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

Especially not about what was wrong with me.

I still had to figure out that one.

I stood by the door, shrugging on my jacket when Mom came out of Dad's study. "Are you going out?" I nodded, fishing my keys out of my pocket. It was Saturday now and there was this thing at the beach we had every year. The team and the cheerleaders. I knew I wasn't in the team anymore but for everyone I was dating someone in the Cheer team. Besides, Emmett had told me to go and I was grasping onto anything that resembled normalcy. I knew I had complained about what my 'normalcy' entailed but, after all, it was all I had ever known and with Bella out of my life that was all I had left. The parties, the 'friends', the booze.

Every day I would get home and lock myself up in whether the attic or my bedroom and every day I would realize just how much Bella was for me. During the almost two years we had been together we had developed this sort of routine and it was as if my brain had not understood completely she wouldn't be around anymore because part of me still expected her to show up when I needed help with Calculus, or for the phone to ring on Mondays right after this show she watches was over, every day my eyes would find some clock in my house at the exact same time I should be picking her up from her practice because she had always finished half an hour after me. Having all this time to myself was literal hell, because I just couldn't shut my brain off. I couldn't stop thinking. And the more thinking I did, the more I realized how badly I had fucked up. I had always had her right where I wanted her and that was why I had never noticed how truly important she was in my life but, now? Now, the knowledge was killing me.

"Edward," Mom said softly and I understood. Please don't drink.

"I won't be out late." I murmured, walking out. I was not about to make a promise I wasn't sure I could go through. However, I didn't know that, as vague as my reply had been, I wouldn't go through that one either.

I saw a black Escalade pull up and I wondered who had gotten a new car. That is, until the door opened and my nightmare-turned-reality stepped out, after that I only scowled and emptied my beer before walking into the house where all the alcohol was being kept. What the fuck is he doing here? He's not even in high school, for God's sake! I walked into the kitchen, punching the screen door open, and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the sink, taking a swig with my eyes tightly closed. I was a beer kind of guy, but something told me I'd need something stronger for the night. The bottle met the counter with a loud clank and I stared down at it, it was below the middle and I wondered if I had drunk that much or if it had been started already. I grabbed a can of beer and leaned against the counter.

Several beers, and vodka swigs after and I could still be found in the same spot. My head was lolling back and forth and not even my thoughts saved from being blurred. Except for one that was really clear now in my drunken state, while it had been hiding in my sobriety.

I can't do this. I can't be by myself. I can't be alone.

I just can't.

It was like this that Tanya found me. She stood in front of me and frowned, I would never know if the concern in her eyes was actually there or if it was something I had made up in my drunken stupor to make myself feel better. She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest. With the realization I had just had I couldn't stop myself from circling her waist with the arm that was not holding me up. I even squeezed her a bit and rested my chin on top of her head.

"Love you, Eddie." She whispered, and I knew she was taking advantage of my sudden change of demeanor that she knew wouldn't last long. I took a deep breath, defeated. By doing this I had tried to feel something but it just wasn't there. There was no explosion of warmth in my belly, no need to get closer, no smile tugging at my lips, no feeling of relaxation… no nothing.

I dropped my arm and she knew the moment was over; she smiled a little before kissing my cheek and walking out. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, looking up as the door was opened again. She was not looking at me, in fact, she was avoiding my gaze and there was nothing from the over-confident girl in my dining room just three days ago. I don't know if I was imagining this or if the alcohol had heightened my senses but I could swear I saw the hair in her arms stood up when she stood beside me to open the fridge but it was like this that I knew she had seen what had just occurred between Tanya and I. And I felt the need to explain.

"Bella," She turned to me, with a bottle of Coke fisted in her hand. I squinted my eyes and tilted my head trying to turn the two beautiful girls I was seeing into the one I knew was possible was there.

"Why are you with her, Edward?" The extra Bella wouldn't go away, so I rubbed my palms against my eyes, when the extra Bella was turning into a faint silhouette I opened my mouth to speak but she beat me to it. "Here," She said, thrusting a bottle of water I hadn't noticed she had gotten into my chest. "Drink this. This is something I need to know." I grabbed the bottle greedily, but it was not the water I craved but my chance to talk to her. I drank the entire thing, my eyes not leaving hers that were looking right back. And there, without even touching her, there was the explosion of warmth in my belly.

"I was drunk, Bella. I did-"

"No," She held her hand up and looked away from my eyes, looking at my chest instead. "I didn't mean then. I mean now." I sighed, closing my eyes. The need to get closer was there, and I couldn't stop myself when I clumsily stepped forward, stumbling slightly and leaving her trapped between the fridge and its door. I started to apologize and move away but her hand cupped my chin and I stopped every movement. "Answer me." I realized her eyes were not sad anymore, they were not dancing with joy as I had been used to but they weren't dark with despair. And oddly enough, that relieved me.

"No one else will have me." I whispered, aware of our closeness and a part of me was thankful the door of the fridge was between us. "I am lonely. I don't know how to be without you and I am lonely." You know how people say other people are smiling with their eyes? Well, Bella's eyes were totally upside down. I ran a finger down the side of her face. "You are still everything to me." I said, my welled up eyes following the movement of my finger.

"Edward," Her voice broke and I looked into her eyes only to find them closed. "You brought this upon yourself." She opened her eyes. "Upon us."

"I know. And I would say I am sorry if I didn't know it means nothing to you."

"It doesn't mean nothing to me, is just not enough."

And again, "I know." I closed my eyes when her thumb reached over to stroke my cheek and only when moisture was spread over my cheek I realized I was crying. It didn't escaped me that this was the first time I had cried in front of her but I just couldn't stop it this time, this had the very bittersweet taste of goodbye all over it. And yes, technically we had said 'goodbye' a while ago but we never really did. "Let me explain, Bella." I pleaded but she shook her head.

"No." Her hand was still on my face.

"I don't want to lose you." I said, turning my head and spoke against her hand, brushing my lips against it. She smiled sadly and removed her hand. "But I already did." It was a question just as much as it was statement so when I received no answer I continued. "To Frat-Boy."

"To Riley." She corrected and my chest constricted at her admission.

"Tell me how to do it." I said softly. "Tell me how to move on." I pleaded with my eyes. I just wanted to stop hurting.

"You have…" She hesitated, frowning. "…Her."

"She means nothing to me. I am yours, Baby. Bella, I swear… just say the words and I'll dump Tanya. Just say it and I am yours." I pretty much begged but she shook her head. "There can't be… There must be something I can do, Bella. There must be some-"

"Edward?" She cut me off and I shut up. "Do something for me, will you?" I wanted to say no but how could I? So I nodded, instead. "What I have with Riley is… it is good. And I want it to work out. But it won't if you keep messing with my feelings. I want to forget everything, Edward. I want to truly move on." I nodded.

"I'll leave you alone." I offered, looking away. It was what I had already promised myself I would do but right now, with her within touching distance, asking me to do it? It just changed everything.

"Thanks." I moved, so she could walk out. I wanted to ask her to give me a hug but I refrained, pocketing my hands and looking down instead. She looked back from the door and I wanted to say something but I couldn't. What was I supposed to say? My biggest mistake and my biggest happiness, all wrapped up in one beautiful girl, were walking away from me. For good. What was I supposed to say?

I am sorry.

I love you.

I miss you.

I need you.

Don't leave me.

Forgive me.

My shoulders started shaking with held back sobs as I realized I had not said anything I had really wanted to say. But what hurt the most was the fact that it didn't matter. She had him, and I didn't matter. And when I turned around, wrapping my arms around me to stop the shaking, and was met with a set of blue eyes I knew I would have to learn to be by myself.

So... It´s been forever. But here is another chapter. I hope not to take so long for the next one. Hope you had a great Valentine´s Day (I know I did :O)

And well, ´til next time.

Thanks for reading,

Ghs