Disclaimer: Not that it will come as a surprise to anyone reading this, but Twilight and it's characters do not belong to me, Stephanie Meyer is the only one that can make that claim. I just like to play in the wonderful universe she created.

As always, thanks to my betas Im2xshy and Kzintikiller for their invaluable support and input. I never would have posted this story if not for them. They also both write awesome fan fiction stories of their own in the Twilight universe so please look them up here on this site and check them out. You won't be disappointed.

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who added me and my story to their alerts and left me reviews. Your feedback and encouragement has been awesome! Thank you so much!

Last week: Alice called Edward in time for him to save Bella. Carlisle then had to sedate her because she was so upset. Edward and the rest of the family discussed what happened and Edward suspects that part of what made Bella try to kill herself was that she misunderstood him when he suggested they go for a walk. Edward took an unconscious Bella into the house and was determined to stay with her until she woke up, but Carlisle and the others thought it would help his emotional state if he hunted before she woke up so he headed off into the forest for an hour of hunting.

Chapter 21

BELLA

I felt my eyes move behind their lids as I slowly rose up through the layers of mental gauze that my brain seemed to be wrapped in. My body was comfortable, but heavy, as if being lightly held down by some invisible force. I didn't even think I could work up the energy to open my eyes. For some reason the idea didn't scare me though. Instead, I felt rather peaceful and I let myself mentally drift.

"Where am I?" was my first silent question.

It would have been easier if I'd had the use of my eyes, but I tried to use my other senses to figure it out. From what I was feeling, and if I had to guess, I'd say that I was lying in a bed.

"But what bed?" was my next question.

The logical answer was that I must be lying on the bed in my room. What other bed would I be lying in?

And like a tug at a frayed thread will start to unravel a garment, that unspoken thought started to bring back everything that had happened during my last conscious memories.

Oh, God.

I'd tried to kill myself, but Edward had stopped me and then... then I was pretty sure Carlisle had drugged me. Surprisingly, the last thought made a flash of anger go through me. Had that really been necessary?

On the heels of my anger came fear. What if the bed I was lying in was in a hospital and the reason why I was finding it hard to move was because I was restrained so that I wouldn't try and hurt myself again?

The very idea made me jerk out of the lethargy plaguing me and I opened my eyes. I was beyond relieved when I found myself lying in my own bed, in my own room in the Cullen's house and when I really focused, I found that I could slowly lift my hand from the bed and move both my legs. Both actions clearly demonstrating that I was not actually restrained, which only added to my relief. The only problem was even those small movements were exhausting and I dropped my hand back on the bed.

"Oh, good, you're awake," came a soft voice from my left. I managed to turn my head enough to see Esme standing by the window with a warm smile on her face.

Wearily, I ran a hand over my face. Why the heck did it take so much energy to make even the simplest of movements? It felt like I'd just woken up from a really deep sleep, the kind of sleep that leaves you feeling groggy and lethargic rather than rested or refreshed.

"You might still be feeling groggy from the medication Carlisle gave you," she said, as if she read my mind. "Before he left for work, he said it would take a little time to clear it out of your system."

She walked over to the bed and, sitting down on the edge beside me, she gently brushed some hair back from my face. Her cool touch felt soothing against my skin.

"Are you feeling all right?"

I nodded slowly.

"Can I get you anything?"

I shook my head. Then something rather disquieting occurred to me; I realized that, while Esme was here, someone else was missing. Someone significant.

Edward.

My heart started beating faster and I felt the lethargy sliding away as adrenaline began to pump through me. Had Edward left me again as I'd feared he was going to? Had he taken that 'walk' without me, only to keep walking and never look back?

I somehow forced myself to sit up and I couldn't help but look around wildly. Just as I'd thought, he was not in the room. That was a bad sign, as he was almost always in my room, especially when I first woke up.

Esme was frowning now; obviously she'd heard my increased heart rate. "What is it, Bella? What's wrong? Oh, wait..." She stood up and retrieved the iPad from the game table and handed it to me.

Quickly, I typed out one word. "Edward."

She smiled reassuringly at me as she sat back down. "Even though he didn't really want to, he went hunting with Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Alice."

"Why didn't he want to go hunting?"

"Because he wanted to be here when you woke up, but Carlisle thought Edward had waited a bit too long to hunt and that it would be better if he were well fed before he talked to you. Carlisle also told him that he thought it was likely Edward would be back before you woke up. He will definitely be upset that he wasn't here."

"Really?"

Her smile widened slightly as she nodded. "Yes, really. I promised to stay with you until he returned."

Suddenly exhausted again, I put the iPad down beside me, flopped back on the bed, and closed my eyes. Esme patted my hand lightly, but didn't say anything, probably because she was trying to give me time to shake off the last of the drug.

I wasn't sure how long I laid there before she spoke again, but I was finally beginning to feel more clear-headed. "Are you sure I can't get you anything?" she offered in a gentle voice. "I know you didn't have lunch. You must be hungry."

I really wasn't. I was back to feeling empty and numb, food or the desire for food was a somewhat distant memory. I shook my head slightly to indicate 'no' but didn't open my eyes. Again, I laid there for what seemed like a long interval with neither of us interacting beyond Esme patting my hand.

"Bella?" she finally said, brushing her hand lightly over my forehead.

My first instinct was to just lay there and not respond, but something in her voice, something kind and caring, wouldn't let me and I opened my eyes to look at her. The expression on her face matched the tone in her voice. In her eyes, I saw no anger or pity for me. Only love and compassion.

"Please don't shut us out again, Bella," she began quietly and it made something inside me clench.

I wanted to say or type something to the effect that if they didn't send me away, and Edward didn't leave me, then I wouldn't shut them out, but I remained silent and unmoving.

"Won't you let us help you?" she tried again.

The next thing I expected her to say was that the best way that they could help me was by sending me away, presumably to some type of mental health facility, where trained professionals could 'help' me. That's what Renee, along with Charlie on the phone agreeing with her, had said to me when she had wanted me to go into the hospital.

But those words didn't come. In fact, I kept waiting for them, but they never came and I didn't know what to make of it or how to react.

Esme picked up my hand and went from patting it to rubbing it gently between her cool ones. "I won't pretend to know how you feel and I don't know what drove you to try and... well, do what you did, but I do know what it felt like when it happened to me."

I blinked at that. I'd forgotten that Esme had tried to kill herself after the death of her infant son, but she'd been saved by Carlisle when he'd found her body broken and near death in the hospital morgue.

"Since it's from my human life, it's a little fuzzy now, but I remember feeling pain, emotional pain, fill me up to the point where there was no room for anything else. I remember feeling like a failure as a mother and as a woman, and that no one could ever understand what I was going through. To make things worse, I thought I had been forsaken by everyone and that I had no one to turn to."

Staring out the window, her voice was slow and quiet as she continued almost absently. "I'd never felt so utterly alone in my life and it all lead me to that moment of desperation so intense that I couldn't stop myself from doing the unthinkable."

While I hadn't lost a child, a lot of what Esme was saying paralleled my own feelings. Feelings of failure and abandonment, of desperation and thinking no one could ever understand what I was feeling. It couldn't have been easy for her to tell me about that part of her life, so I squeezed her hand back in encouragement.

She looked down at me and a smile began to touch her lips. "And then Carlisle found me, changed me, and saved me in more ways than one. He reminded me of what it was like to be happy again, to feel without only feeling pain. Of course, I'll never forget my sweet baby and his loss, but Carlisle gave me love and something to live for again." Her smile widened as she tucked some hair behind my ear. "And now I have a whole new family, complete with adopted children to love and who make me feel needed."

Her hand cupped my cheek. "That includes you, Bella. After we left you like we did I know it's hard for you to believe, but I think of you as one of my children too. And all I want, all any of us want, is for you to be happy and to find a way to get past the pain you've been feeling so you can start living again."

She gently, almost reverently, touched my hair. "Whatever's wrong, we can work on it. You just have to tell us what you need. We only want to help you."

Her words left an enormous lump in my throat and no matter how hard I swallowed, I couldn't dislodge it. Like a bird beating its wings against a cage, I suddenly felt every emotion inside me - pain, guilt, fear, and even hope - pressing to get out.

I reached for the iPad again, intending to try in some way to explain; to put into words what I was feeling, or what I wanted, or why I'd done what I'd done, but as I stared down at the blank screen, the words wouldn't come. The written word had always been my refuge, my element, and yet, there I sat with fingers as ineffective as my ability to swallow around the lump in my throat.

Instinctively, I did the only thing I could; I put the device back down, crawled over to Esme, wrapped my arms around her waist, and buried my face against her cool, hard side. I tried to suppress the silent tears that started to leak from my eyes, but it was a losing battle. I wanted so much to let myself hope that things would be different this time, hope that things would be the way they were before Edward and the rest of the Cullens had left. I was so tired of fighting them, of fighting Edward... of fighting the way I truly felt for all of them.

She must have felt or smelled the tears because she gave a little cry of distress. "Oh, sweetheart, please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

The kindness in her words only made it harder to hold in the emotions that were fighting to escape. And then suddenly, something slid free inside me, and without a conscious decision to do so, sound came pouring out of my mouth in a rushing tidal wave of words.

"Please don't send me away, Esme!" I begged in a voice that was rough and hoarse from disuse as I went from crying to sobbing. "I'm sorry about the wall, I'll clean it or repaint it or whatever it takes, just please don't leave me or send me away to another hospital!"

There was a definite beat of stunned silence. "But Bella..." she tried, but I cut her off and tightened my grip around her waist as if I could hold onto her if she really wanted me to let go.

"No, I know I'm weak and human, but I promise I'll be good! I couldn't take it if you sent me away again!"

Another beat of silence, then she gently shifted me so I was looking up at her. "First of all, you are not weak, and being human is not a crime so I never want to hear you talk that way about yourself again. And second, you thought we were going to send you away or leave you like before because of what you did to the wall?" she asked in stunned disbelief.

I nodded mutely.

Her reaction was immediate; she gathered me close like she might a child and rocked me. "Oh, darling, no. Of course we're not going to send you away and we already told you that we wouldn't leave you again," she told me. "Why would you think that?"

"I wrote all over the wall, which clearly means I must be insane, so I thought you'd probably be looking for the quickest way to get rid of me," I told her tearfully.

She eased me back enough that she could look at me. "No, sweetheart, of course we don't want to get rid of you," she said softly. "The wall is nothing. You obviously had something important to say. If that was the only way you could say it, then so be it."

Smiling, she brushed at my damp cheeks. "And you're forgetting the fact that Emmett lives in this house. If I got upset every time the house or the walls got dinged or messed up, I'd be in a perpetual state of rage. Usually, I'm just happy when he doesn't tear a wall completely down. And don't tell him this, but even when he does get a little too rambunctious and does some real damage, I give him what for and then I use it as an excuse to redecorate. Speaking of which, before... everything happened," she said with a little catch in her voice. "I was planning on asking you if you wanted to redecorate your room and make it look a little less like a hospital room. If you do, I figured we could repaint the wall then." Her eyes twinkled a bit. "Unless you want to leave it there and then I think we should just frame it."

Under normal circumstances, I'm sure I would have laughed at her comment about Emmett, but the rest of her words took me by surprise. I wondered if my expression matched the bewilderment I was feeling.

She wasn't angry?

She was going to ask me if I wanted to redecorate my room?

Could I really have been so wrong about absolutely everything?

"But Edward said that... that Carlisle was making a call," I told her haltingly. I was still finding it a little difficult to make myself speak aloud. Not only did my voice sound terrible, but it made me feel oddly vulnerable, maybe because I couldn't censor myself as easily as I had when I'd written out my responses. "I assumed he was calling another doctor or a hospital for me."

She smiled at me. "No, he was talking to his old friend Eleazar. He's been after us to come visit them in Alaska for months. We'd put it off because you were so injured and we wanted to take care of you, but you've been getting so much better, that we thought we'd try and go in a couple of weeks." Her expression softened a bit. "You and Edward would need to stay here though. We can't take you out in public yet and there's no way Edward would leave you here."

And that brought me to the final piece of the puzzle, the one thing that had really sent me over the edge and made me believe that either I was going away or Edward and the Cullens were.

"But Edward..." My voice trailed off when I found it hard to say the words lest they become reality.

Frowning a little, she searched my face. "What about Edward, dear?"

"He... he said that we should go for a walk." I choked a little on the words. "That's what he said the day he left me in Forks so I thought..."

"Ah, yes," she said clearly understanding. "In hindsight, Edward was concerned you might have drawn that conclusion." She smoothed some hair back from my face. "Bella, Edward didn't mean it like that. He just thought some fresh air might help clear your mind and, I imagine, give the two of you a chance to talk without everyone in the house overhearing your conversation. He was never planning on leaving you." She smiled. "He loves you so much, Bella, and wants so much to make things up to you. Won't you give him that chance... won't you give us all that chance?"

Searching for any sign of subterfuge or misunderstanding, I stared at her. I saw nothing but open honesty. I felt great pieces of myself, pieces of the hurt and anger I'd felt that day in Forks, finally begin to crack and slide away from my heart. At that point, much to my mortification, I couldn't hold back a new round of tears. I was sick to death of crying, but apparently my emotions weren't clued in on that fact.

"I've been so stupid," I blubbered. "I'm so sorry, Esme. I never meant to cause so much trouble."

"Nonsense," she said pulling me close again and rocking me gently. "You've been no trouble. You've been through a terrible ordeal, one that we all had a hand in, something which I know everyone, especially Edward, is very sorry for. You have every right to be upset. I'm just glad we can be part of getting you well again."

Esme rocked me quietly for a bit as my crying subsided. "You bring so much to this family, Bella, we all missed you when we left." She laughed a little. "While I know she would never admit it, even Rose missed you, and I know she has become very attached to you since you've been back. You probably don't know this, but when you were first brought here and then when Edward came back to find you, we were worried he would try and take you away from us, so the entire family banded together to tell Edward that you were staying with us, no matter what he wanted."

That surprised me. I knew that the Cullen's stayed together for many reasons, not the least of which was their 'vegetarian' vampire existence, but for them to band together over me, a human, against one of their own kind, from their own coven, was quite extraordinary. I know it must have been difficult for Edward to hear them choose me over him, but I was immensely touched by the gesture and it further strengthened my resolve.

"I didn't know," I said quietly.

She sighed. "Well, luckily, he'd finally seen the error of what he'd done, and what it had done to you, and what he wanted was for you to stay with him and the rest of us too so there was never any question, but I don't want you to forget that you're not only important to us because of Edward."

I had no idea what to say in response to that, so I just let myself take the comfort she was offering. While I loved my own mother dearly, she'd never been exceptionally big on hugs or comfort. Usually it was me comforting her and when I did something like scrape my knee, I was the one who bandaged my own wounds because, believe it or not, she was even more squeamish about blood and injuries than I was. Even though I was now an adult, feeling Esme's motherly comfort made me want to cry even harder. But they weren't tears of sorrow, they were tears of relief, hope, and, dare I say it, happiness.

To my way of thinking, the Cullens weren't the ones that had some making up to do. Despite the fact that Esme had said I'd been no trouble, I knew that wasn't true. I could see now that I'd been incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. In one way or another, their lives had all begun to revolve around me and not in a good way.

But that stopped now. From this point on, I was going to get it together and, human or not, I was going to be a functional part of this family and not a drain on it. Maybe I couldn't be physically strong like Emmett or the rest of the family and maybe I didn't have any special powers like Edward or Alice, but I had a heart and a brain and if I took what Esme had said at face value, which I did, I now had a family; or more accurately, I had a family again.

And that's what I'd always wanted anyway.

Well, that and... Edward; it always seemed to come back to him.

If he was still willing to let me back into his life and forgive me for being so foolish today, the least I could do was really listen to him when he tried to explain why he left me and then be willing to take a chance on a life with him again. I supposed only time would tell if he could be happy with me. I just knew I had to stop living on the 'what ifs' of a future that might or might not happen and start living in the 'here and now' of the present; if I didn't, I suspected that I'd go even more crazy than I already was.

Not that the idea of letting myself love him and having a relationship with him again wasn't a scary one. Between jumping out of a third story window and opening myself up to him again, the latter was definitely more terrifying. Being away from him had shown me just how much power he had over my heart.

But what was the old saying? With great reward comes great risk?

Well, it was finally beginning to seep through my thick head that if I wanted the brass ring of a relationship with Edward and the Cullen's, then I needed to stop hiding and reach out for it.

EDWARD

As with the last time I'd been all but forcibly dragged out of the house to hunt for an hour, at the exact minute that hour was up, I was heading back to the house and Bella. From the distant thoughts of my brothers and sisters, I knew that they'd given me a wide berth while I'd hunted; something for which I was grateful.

And yet, even the solitude and the blood of two deer coursing through my veins hadn't really managed to calm me much. I suppose I felt more in control, but no less upset.

I felt like we were almost back at square one. I had to think of a way to help Bella, to make sure she never did anything like she'd done today ever again. The problem was, I still didn't know how to do that. She was so locked behind the wall of silence and anger that surrounded her like a fortress that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to reach her.

I'd thought that perhaps her actions this morning, the Scrabble game and writing things out on the wall, would have been a release valve of sorts for her and yet it apparently seemed to set her back. Then there was my comment about taking a walk with her. If it was true that she's taken that comment the wrong way, then I could and would apologize for it, but I didn't know if an apology would be enough. At this point, I didn't know what would ever be enough to bring her back to me.

As I neared the house, I was surprised to hear Esme's thoughts all but calling out to me. Even more surprising was the fact that, rather than the dire thoughts I'd expected, Esme's mind was full of excitement and anticipation. While she was careful to conceal exactly what she wanted to tell me, she was definitely pleased at some turn of events that involved Bella.

Something had happened, something that she believed was good news, and while I wanted to share in her excitement, I had to keep a tight reign on my emotions and not let my hope get the better of me... not until I knew more about what had happened since I'd been out hunting. I'd gotten my hopes up before, only to be disappointed.

I made my way upstairs to Bella's room, where I found Esme holding a sleeping Bella in her arms. As soon as I entered the room, Esme gave me a broad smile.

"Oh, Edward, I have best news. Bella spoke to me," she mentally said, so as not to wake Bella.

"Show me," I whispered, still unwilling to get my hopes up.

Knowing me as she did, Esme didn't question why I wanted to read what happened in her thoughts. With Esme's perfect vampire memory, it would be like watching a movie rather than just hearing her thoughts. The movie version was much more desirable to me because I wanted to see Bella's expression and her actions in the series of events that had unfolded while I'd been gone.

And see them I did.

Bella waking up and her panic when she didn't see me. That image made me feel both good and bad. Good that she'd missed me, but bad because I'd worried her and I hadn't been there for her when she'd woken up like I'd wanted to be.

Esme talking to Bella, pleading for Bella to let us help her. Esme sharing her own experiences.

Something Esme said must have gotten through to Bella, because in the next images, Bella was tearfully clinging to Esme.

Most stunning of all, Bella suddenly crying out saying she was sorry about the wall and begging Esme, begging all of us, not to leave her or send her away to another hospital.

After everything that had happened, did she really think we'd send her away? Or that we... that 'I' would leave her again? From what I was seeing in Esme's mind, that was exactly what she'd been thinking. I was also right in that she had assumed from my 'let's go for a walk' comment that I was going to leave her again. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration, I really needed to be more careful with my words, at least until things between me and Bella had gotten back on more solid footing.

"Isn't it wonderful, Edward?" Esme said, stroking Bella's hair. "I think it's very promising."

"Yes, promising," I murmured, watching Bella's sleeping face.

While everything that had happened while I'd been out hunting was indeed promising, I knew that just because Bella had spoken to Esme that didn't mean that she'd speak to me or that she'd be speaking on a regular basis to anyone. After all, she'd spoken to both Rose and Carlisle since she'd been here and yet her silence had returned right afterward.

Esme noticed my reticence and she frowned. "What is it? Why aren't you happy?"

I pulled my gaze away from Bella to look at Esme. "It's nothing and I am happy," I told her quietly. "Everything you showed me is a very positive step."

Esme studied me for a moment longer, then she opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed it again. Very carefully, she eased Bella out of her arms, laid her down on the bed and covered her with a blanket. Bella sighed slightly but didn't wake as she settled back onto the bed. She looked so peaceful in sleep; I hoped that she could hold onto some of that peace when she awoke.

Much to my surprise, Esme came over to me and pulled me into her arms. "You looked like you needed a hug."

To my even greater surprise, I found she was right and I hugged her back, burying my face against her shoulder. She was the closest thing I had to a mother and I took a moment to accept the comfort she was offering me. One of Esme's greatest strengths was her ability to love and I knew that we as her 'grown-up-but-perpetually-teenage-children' didn't always give her an outlet to express it.

"What's troubling you, Edward?" she mentally pressed as she pulled back to look at me, while still keeping an arm around my waist.

I stared down at Bella. "I'm just concerned that once she wakes up, she'll go back to shutting me out."

Esme rested her chin on my shoulder as we both looked at the sleeping brown eyed human that had changed our lives so irrevocably. "She won't, Edward," she said speaking out loud.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Faith, dear," she said simply.

"Faith?" I said with soft, disbelieving snort.

She seemed unfazed by my reaction. "Yes, faith. Faith in her and in you, and in what you two feel for each other." She was quiet for a moment. "Maybe you should try having a little too."

I sighed at the gentle admonishment in her tone. I'd lost my faith a long time ago. Even after I'd met Bella I hadn't gotten it back. Something in me refused to have faith that I could have an eternity with her, that she'd be happy with someone like me or that I wouldn't end up destroying her.

Looking back, I'd always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I thought when she found out who I was, what I was, she would be terrified, or at the very least repulsed, and leave me, but of course, she wasn't and she hadn't. Then when James had almost killed her, I was sure she'd see how dangerous it was for her to be around me and she'd tell me to go, but she didn't, in fact, she'd only held onto me that much tighter.

But when Jasper, someone in my own family and not some deranged stranger, had nearly attacked her, I'd used it as validation for all my fears and as an excuse to run from her. I'd told myself I was leaving to 'protect' her and to a degree I suppose I was. However, if I was being honest, I had to acknowledge that, from the beginning, a voice in my head had argued that I could protect her better if I was by her side, but I had ignored that voice. I was now beginning to realize that my leaving had more to do with me being a terrible coward, than the need to protect her. Part of me really just wanted to leave her before she could leave me, even if she left me because she was dead by my hands or those of my kind or even from old age.

I could see now that, as much as I loved her, I'd never believed, never REALLY believed that our relationship could work.

But Bella had.

Bella had always believed in us and I'd broken her when I'd all but thrown it back in her face and abandoned her.

Part of me wanted to fall back into the trap of thinking that I'd screwed things up so badly that Bella would never forgive me; that again, we could never be. But looking at her sleeping now, I refused to give into that urge, refused to let my despair and self-loathing win over the love I felt for her and the love I hoped she still felt for me.

I clung desperately to the fact that I'd been given a second chance and it shouldn't be wasted. Or was it a third or fourth or fifth chance? I had lost count. First the van at school almost crushing her, then James, then Jasper, then the monster in the hospital, and now her suicide attempt. If you also threw in the fact that, despite my own lust for her blood, I'd managed to not kill her that made an even half dozen chances I'd been given.

Someone somewhere had to be telling me something and it was most likely that I wouldn't be getting many more of those chances.

In the face of that, perhaps it was time that I took Esme's advice and started having a little less doubt and a lot more faith in us.

And in Bella.

TBC...

Sigh... love me some Esme! I tried to let her motherly nature shine through in this chapter.

So Bella finally talked, but will she talk to Edward? Although it wasn't really explored in canon, I always felt like Edward had a lot of self-esteem and self-loathing issues and I wanted him to explore some of them in this chapter.

Oh, and everyone has been asking when we're going to hear about Charlie/Renee and what's going on in the outside world. That will be addressed starting in chapter 26.

Next week: What you've all been waiting for. The next two chapters are all about Bella and Edward. See you then!