Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

WARNING: ANOTHER M RATED CHAPTER. My offer to summarise the important parts for anyone who started reading when the story was rated T and wants to skip these bits is still on the table. Just let me know.

Last chapter: Bella let Edward touch her over her underwear. It felt good but nothing "more" happened. Edward's theory is that she was thinking too much and putting too much pressure on herself. Bella feels guilty about it, like she's letting Edward down, like there's something wrong with her.

Why am I such an idiot? Fuck.

I flipped back to the first page and started reading the article again. I'd lost count of how many times I'd tried to make sense of it. It may as well have been in Latin.

I knew it. Banner got it wrong. You're not smart enough for this.

The harder I tried to understand it, the more frustrated I became with myself. It had been one of the worst days I'd had in a while. Edward had some kind of extra-curricular function to go to tonight, so apart from a rushed goodbye, I hadn't seen him at all today. That alone had been enough to make me cranky.

I'd spent most of the morning obsessing over the imminent double date with Edward's brother. I'd tried to get some more information out of Edward about Jasper, specifically what he was interested in and what kind of history he had studied, so I could prepare a little, but it hadn't worked.

"I'm not telling you." Edward had immediately shut me down, even though I'd asked as casually as I could when he'd stopped by to say goodbye after class.

"Why not?" I'd tried to ask innocently, despite his narrowed eyes.

"Because I know you. If I tell you, you'll spend all day reading some boring history book in the library and you'll psych yourself out even more. Just try not to worry and be yourself Friday night."

That's the worst advice I've ever heard. Be myself? Yeah, right.

"I've got to go now. I'll see you tomorrow morning." He'd kissed me a little more passionately than appropriate in public, but it's not like I tried to stop him. Then he walked away leaving me on my own for the whole day.

I had tried to be productive, to take advantage of another stupid "opportunity" by myself, but I'd failed miserably. Three failures had been enough to send me crawling to the library with my tail between my legs. And now I'd just wasted an entire evening trying to understand one stupid article. It was just one of those days when you feel as if life is trying to squish you like a bug and you wish that it would hurry the fuck up and just finish the job already.

I suck. This sucks. My life sucks.

I considered calling it a night and just going back to my room to hide underneath my covers, but I didn't want this whole day to be a disaster. The only thing waiting for me was a cold, empty bed anyway.

I was dangerously close to bursting into futile tears when Edward's loud voice startled the muted library air.

"There you are. Why aren't you answering your phone?"

"Sorry, it was on silent." I dug my phone out from underneath a stack of papers to see that I had several missed calls from Edward. "I thought you had something tonight."

"It finished early. I went to your room but you weren't there and you weren't answering… You kind of scared me a little. Have you been in here all day?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Banner's stupid list is driving me crazy." Wait – Edward, my study partner – was here. Perfect. Maybe this god-awful day could be salvaged after all. "Hey, can you read this and explain it to me? Please. I don't understand any of it."

"We'll sort it out tomorrow. Did you even eat?"

"Just this paragraph then, please Edward?" I pleaded, ignoring his question and holding the open book out to him. He took it from me, closed it and put it back down on the table.

"You have to eat and you have to take regular breaks, Bella. You're working too hard. You're going to burn yourself out," he reprimanded as he started packing up my stuff. "Let's take the rest of the night off."

"I've got too much to do. I can't tonight," I said, trying to find the article again and save my books from Edward's quick hands.

"It will all still be here tomorrow. We'll work on it after class. Come on, let's go."

I gave in quickly and followed him out of the library and back to my dorm room in near silence. If he wasn't willing to help me, I wasn't going to make much progress on my own anyway. I really hated that fact. I felt like the day had defeated me and it was frustrating and humiliating and, worst of all, nothing new.

When we got back to my room, Edward insisted I take a hot shower to "relax." I didn't argue; I just did as he said.

The hot water poured down my back, but the constant pressure did little to soothe my nerves. Edward left me alone for one day and everything had crumbled. I'd ruined everything. I'd failed. And he'd shown up to rescue me, to bail me out yet again.

I got out of the shower and put on my pajama shirt mindlessly. I just wanted to go to sleep. Dreamless sleep, nothingness – for as many hours as possible.

I waited for Edward until he was ready for bed too. When he came out of the bathroom, he sat me down on the bed, swiping my hair to one side and massaging my shoulders.

"You're still really tense," he noted, disapproving.

"Well, I'm sorry but it's been a long day," I replied a bit defensively.

"Why? What happened?"

I looked down at my lap and confessed quietly, "I failed." I didn't need to say any more - he knew exactly what I was talking about. The fucking "opportunities."

"It's okay. You'll try again," he answered quickly, massaging my arms now.

It was what he always said.

"I don't want to try again. I'm tired."

"I wasn't talking about trying again tonight."

"Neither was I."

His fingers faltered for a split second and then resumed kneading my arms.

"I know you. You'll try again." He said it with such conviction that I almost believed him. I guess after a good night's sleep, I probably would believe him. Because I knew Edward and I knew he wouldn't let me quit.

"I guess I'm just having a bad day," I exhaled shakily and let my head loll back against him.

"Then let me make it better," he whispered, kissing my neck lightly.

"How?" I asked, a little suspicious.

"This feels good, right?" he asked, pressing his hands into my shoulders with more pressure now.

"Yeah…"

"Okay. Lie on the bed, face down. I'm just going to put on some music."

I did as he asked, albeit a little uncertainly, fidgeting slightly while I watched him insert a memory stick into my laptop.

"Do you want 'Sounds of the Rainforest' or 'Babbling Brook'?"

I can't believe he managed to ask me that with a straight face.

"Neither if you want me to take this seriously." Whatever this is, anyway.

"Yeah, you're right. How about this?" He clicked once and the room was suddenly filled with the soft sound of a piano.

"Much better."

"Good." I nervously watched him strip down to his boxers (actually, that part I quite enjoyed) before climbing on to the edge of the bed.

"Edward, what-" I asked just as he started massaging my shoulders again.

"Shh. Just try to relax. Imagine somewhere safe. Go to your happy place."

I almost told him that if he'd only lie down and let me snuggle up to him, I wouldn't have to imagine it. Our little cocoon, safe and warm and worry-free; just us. That was my happy place.

"I want you to just focus on the sensations, okay? Not what's actually happening, just how it feels."

"Okay… I'll try…" I agreed reluctantly. This night was taking a weird turn.

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the feel of his hands as they ran over my back, firm but gentle.

I wonder if he did this with his four and a half other girlfriends…

Nah. He probably didn't need to. I bet they were all gorgeous and perfect and normal. I bet they didn't need so much help.

I wonder if I've actually met any of them… Walked past them? Will I be able to tell just by seeing them? Is there like an "I got dumped by Edward Cullen" vibe that you just can't shake? Will people be able to tell just by looking at me when it's my turn?

"Bella, you're not relaxing."

"I am," I protested weakly.

"Don't even try it. I can feel how tense your body is."

"Sorry."

Okay. Focus on the sensations.

Edward's hands trailed over my arms, giving me goose bumps, before returning to massaging my shoulders.

How it feels. Okay. It feels nice. My shoulders were a little sore actually. It feels relaxing, soothing.

He started kneading the skin at the back of my neck. Mmm… okay, that feels good.

I was starting to get into it, my body slowly thawing under Edward's tender touch, when his fingers slipped underneath my shirt to trace my bare skin.A little tentatively at first, but then with his usual easy confidence when I didn't object.

How it feels. It feels good. Skin to skin. It feels raw and intense and intimate.

I wonder how long he won't mind me leaving my shirt on… It's not really fair. He's completely naked most nights when we err… "do stuff", but I always keep my shirt on… I wonder if he thinks it's unfair… How much longer can I keep him waiting?

"Bella," Edward's disapproving voice once again cut through my thoughts.

"Ugh. Sorry. It's not as easy as it sounds, you know."

"Try focusing on the music. Or maybe… actually, yeah. Let's try something else. I want you to tell me how it feels, okay?"

I tried to whip my head back so I could stare at him in shock. Was he asking me to… you know… talk dirty? I actually whispered the last two words in my head. No way in hell could I do… that. I wouldn't know what to say. It would be beyond mortifying.

"Just describe how it feels, not what I'm actually doing. And if you get too uncomfortable, remember that you can veto at any time and I'll stop, no questions asked."

"Um… I don't know…" This didn't sound like such a good idea. My strategy was usually to say as little as possible… this wouldn't end well.

"Just try it. How does that feel?"

He had pushed my shirt up as far it would go so that my entire back was exposed. His palms pressed into the skin at my lower back, his thumbs rubbing soft semi-circles.

"Um… it feels err… warm? Your hands are warm," I mumbled stupidly. Why does everything I say sound so idiotic?

"Good. Keep going," he encouraged. "Don't think about it. Just say the first thing that comes to mind."

His fingertips traced a leisurely pattern down my sides. "This?"

"Soft?"

We carried on like this for a few minutes, Edward's hands almost never leaving my body. Kneading, gliding, manipulating my muscles, gentle but calculated, playing with my skin. He kept asking me how it felt and it definitely helped me rein in my thoughts and stay on track. I listed adjectives a little more certainly now. "Pleasant… light… tingly… lazy… shivery." That last one probably wasn't even a real word, but I was becoming less and less coherent, especially when I felt his lips at the back of my neck, his warm breaths caressing my skin. To my complete horror, even a few rather loud "mmmm" sounds escaped my lips despite my best efforts. I buried my face further into my pillow, desperate to stifle my mortifying sighs, but then Edward asked me how it felt again and I managed to refocus on giving him actual words.

I was starting to feel like a lazy cat, getting my tummy rubbed. I'd almost completely melted under his touch, slipping into a warm hazy trance, when I felt his hand ghost over my bottom and towards the inside of my thigh.

So that's what this is all about. Returning the favor.

I flipped over abruptly, pulling down my shirt and shifting away from him.

"Bella-"

"No, Edward, don't. Please, not tonight. I really don't think I can take another failure tonight." I'd already failed at everything else today. Failing at this too would surely break me.

He sighed and moved to lie next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me into him.

"You can't fail, Bella. It's not a test," he said, brushing my hair behind my ear and running his hand over my arm soothingly.

"You know what I mean," I mumbled quietly, looking anywhere but at Edward, embarrassed by my inadequacy.

That I can't err… that nothing "more" will happen.

"Don't think about that. It still feels good, doesn't it? Just focus on how it feels."

He kissed my forehead and cradled the side of my face in his hand, nudging me to look at him again. "What are you worried about?"

"Um… Sounds and stuff," I whispered, blushing so furiously that I'd surely permanently stain my cheeks. What I sound like, what I feel like, what I look like… this list was endless.

He chuckled quietly. "You don't have to worry about that. Believe me."

Yeah, right. He has to say that. I was in the middle of an inward eye roll when Edward pressed himself against my leg.

"Really? From…?"

"From touching and listening to my half-naked girlfriend, yes. Are you really surprised? You've got the cutest little bottom," he informed me, smirking and palming said bottom lightly.

I wasn't sure if it was possible to blush harder. Christ. I hadn't even realized that my ass had been on display this whole time. And thank God that I hadn't. Ignorance really is bliss.

Did he really think it was cute though? It couldn't be, could it? Then again, mini-Edward wouldn't lie, right?

I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to reply to that. The only thing I could think of was Yours is nice too… but I wasn't even going to attempt saying that out loud. I touched my lips to his instead.

We just kissed for a while, shifting closer and into each other, wrapping our arms around each other, connecting in whatever little ways we could, nothing but light touches and tender caresses. When he kissed me like that, embraced me like that, gentle but unrelenting… it was a little easier to feel desired, even desirable.

He started raining little insistent kisses all over my face and neck, his hand inching closer, and then cupping me lightly over my underwear.

He paused to look at me questioningly. Is this ok? Do you want to try again?

I bit my lip and nodded slightly. Deep breath, Bella…I guess we're going to try again. Edward wanted to… and it did feel good anyway, even though nothing more usually happened.

I exhaled and gave in with a kiss.

"Bella, keep focusing on how it feels, okay? Keep talking."

I shut my eyes tightly. Okay, how it feels.

His hand started touching me between my legs, at first softly skimming then pressing and rubbing; his lips at my neck, licking and sucking and making everything warm and hazy again.

Okay, it feels pleasant. Oh – especially there. It feels good.

I wonder what he's thinking… I wonder if maybe tonight… Will he be disappointed if it doesn't happen tonight? What if it never happens for me?

"Bella, how it does it feel?" Edward breathed into my neck.

Oh, right, how it feels. "Um… nice?"

I shifted even closer to mini-Edward. It's funny… that used to scare the hell out of me. Now it was insanely reassuring, just knowing that he was in the moment with me.

His fingers slipped underneath my panties for the first time, exploring lightly. "This?"

"Err… new."

Oh my god. This is really new. Was he planning this from the start?

"Bella?"

They settled on a spot and began tracing soft circles.

"Oh…" Wow, okay. "A little weird but um… um… good."

New sensations were starting to build, more and more with each passing minute. Layer upon layer of good.

His lips at my neck became more frantic, jumping impatiently from spot to spot, first below my ear, then at my jaw, then my mouth.

"Really good," I panted, breathing heavily now, my heart racing, my body squirming beneath Edward's touch; toes curling, hips lifting, back arching. I felt like I was losing all control over my body… and my mouth. "Impatient." Impatient for more friction, more… something.

More and more, layer upon layer, higher and higher until I felt like I couldn't possibly take any more.

I wrapped my arms around Edward's neck, as tightly as I could, pulling him as close as possible, clinging to his shoulders with everything I had.

It was getting more intense by the second. Too much. Too intimate. Too high. Too far to fall. "Edward, it's too much," I whimpered. I can't. I can't. Veto!

"I've got you. Trust me and let go," he whispered in my ear.

My nails dug into his skin as everything came apart. Then I was floating, flying, my mind blissfully blank, far away in a place where doubt and fear didn't even exist. It was a wonderful place.

Reality wasn't so bad either. I came back down to Edward running his fingers through my hair affectionately, smiling at me. I felt suddenly exhausted but at peace. No, it was better than that… To lose myself, even for a moment, and then to find myself again in Edward's arms… to feel and not think… to know and not doubt… I just felt… content.

Later that night, when Edward and I crawled under the covers, both "content" and ready to go to sleep, Edward perhaps the tiniest bit smug, something occurred to me. He had asked me something just before… you know. He had asked me to trust him.

"I trust you," I whispered into the darkness.

It was easy to trust Edward. He'd already helped me achieve so much. I was a miserable failure without him. I had more than enough proof of that today. But with him… everything was just easier, better.

Trusting him was easy. Trusting myself however, trusting us to last … that was a different story.

A/N: Sorry – no Jasper and Alice this chapter. I'm going away for a few days and I just wanted to post what was ready before I left.

As usual, thank you to thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and the lovely people who reviewed last chapter. :)