Gumby

Chapter 21: The Secret Storm

Samara didn't take her miscarriage at all well, as was expected. Over the remaining weeks, she did a very thorough job of alienating herself from her friends and from most teachers as well. She even told him that she didn't need to be tutored anymore and she could continue on her own.

She once more dedicated herself to only her studies and helping out Madam Pomfrey. While all of her Professors started to see an improvement on her already high grades, they were all very concerned. They'd thought that she was getting better, that she'd gotten over her depression and were confused to see that she was depressed all over again.

It pained Severus endlessly, to know what was wrong and be unable to do anything about it. He cursed his inability to even try and console the girl he so loved. He was at a complete loss for what to do and all he could do was watch her move unhappily through her life, unsmilingly and with pain and guilt clouding her vision constantly. It was like at last, after everything that she had been through, her ever-resilient spirit had finally been broken.

While wandering through the hallways, he ignored the loud claps of thunder and the lightning flashes that only momentarily lit up the dark hallways of Hogwarts with blinding light for the time it took one to blink. His mind was completely lost in the memory of Samara that morning in the very beginning of his Potions class. She'd merely sat there, all catatonic, staring at her cauldron for a moment as if she'd completely forgotten what to do with it.

He'd had to shake her on the shoulder to shake her out of it. She'd then turned to him and, with a tragic attempt at a smile, looked at him before turning to her cauldron and getting started on the assignment. She only ever tried to smile at him, every once in a while. As if she could sense what her unsmiling facade was doing to him and was trying to smile at him with all her might to make him feel better, but something inside of her was battling against her and actually winning, defeating all her attempts to continue to smile at least to him.

Severus didn't understand it; Samara had never shown particular attachment to the child that had been growing inside of her. In the seven months that she was pregnant, she always referred to the baby as an IT. Had she grown a sudden attachment to the unborn child when she lost it? Or did she simply feel like something that was her had died?

Madam Pomfrey had commented to him that she'd even asked for the gender of the dead child, as if to torment herself, make her feel worse about the whole thing. Apparently upon hearing that Samara had a baby girl, she broke down all the more. Severus wondered if perhaps she had simply hid her attachment to the child, because she just didn't want anyone to know that she was happy about having one. However, he pushed this thought aside. Samara had never lied to him and he didn't think she would, even if it was only unconsciously.

Although, he couldn't be too sure of that either. After all, in all her dismal attempts to smile at him, wasn't she trying to lie to him and by showing him that she was fine even though she wasn't? But he figured that was something completely different. Those were more like white-lies, trying to make him feel better. Besides, she would have no reason at all to hide the fact that she was looking forward to having the baby from him; none that he could think of, at least.

Severus paused his midnight prowl through the mainly empty castle, as most of the students had gone home for the Easter holidays, to look out the window. He scowled when he caught sight of a thin figure, standing in the pouring rain. However, he could only see a dark outline, but he guessed it was a student, as he very much doubted any of the staff would be standing out there in this rain. It wasn't that it was cold; there was no wind tonight, and it was the beginning of April, however, the rain was sure to make it feel cold.

He shook his head, knowing that he would have to step out into the rain. In a very unhurried way, he made his way through the halls of Hogwarts to the nearest exit. He was half-hoping that by the time he reached the doorway that the student will have gotten out of the rain and started to head to their dorm. To his displeasure, as he stood in an open doorway, the student was still just standing there, immobile and looking up to the sky.

Severus pulled his wand from his pocket and placed the Impervius charm on himself, before stepping out. He really didn't feel like getting wet. Quickening his gate as he walked out into the rain, which was repelled from his body and not at all drenching him, he walked over to the figure. Once he stood behind the figure, he noted that long black hair was loose and that the figure was indeed a female student. To his immense surprise, not just any student either, but the student he'd been in love with for the better part of his teaching career.

"You need to get back to the castle, you are going to catch a cold out here," Severus said, causing Samara to turn her drenched face to look at him. Through the darkness, his keen eyesight, which was very used to the darkness, caught the look of peace on her face. She shook her head as she looked at him and turned her face back to the sky. "That wasn't a request Samara."

Samara merely shook her head. "It was my fault," she said, turning slowly to look at him. He furrowed his brow. "If I wanted her more…"

"It's not your fault Samara," Severus said.

"But that doesn't matter. If it was or wasn't, I'm still horrible," she said as she turned to look into his eyes. Her eyes, which looked black held a tortured glint in them as they looked at him and he could see that she'd been crying and that she wanted the rain to wash it all away. As if it could. "For the first moment… I felt relief, because I didn't know what would've happened next. Because I was scared what would happen at the end of the year and I had to go home, especially if he's going to be there," she said, her voice cracking with the guilt that she'd been locking within herself.

"How could I? How could I feel relief at the death of another human being? Of a child, nonetheless! My child!" she asked as she looked at him, before casting her glance down at the floor. Severus felt his face twist in pain as he stared at her. She was starting to shake and he knew it wasn't because she was cold or because she was drenched. Over the billions of pattering raindrops that fell around them ceaselessly, he could hear her quiet sobs, like a piercing cry of a banshee, hurting him horribly.

"You're not horrible Samara," he said, wrapping his arms around her so that she would stop shaking; feeling warmth spread through his body everywhere hers made contact with his. He expected her to stiffen in his embrace, like he was death taking her in its arms, but instead she melted into him, accepting his attempt to console her. "You don't need to punish yourself by ending your life as well, Samara. Death is part of life, you can't let the passing of the dead and your guilt allow you to be dragged with them as well."

"But… the little girl deserved a chance to live and to be loved," Samara cried as her hands clung to his chest as she buried her face into his shoulder. Her body still shook with tears and her voice cracked with her pain.

"Many people who deserve to live pass away Samara," Severus said gently, feeling his grief for Lily resurfacing a little. He leaned his head down, the tip of his nose pressing into her wet hair, but not feeling it because of the impervious charm, however, he could still smell the pomegranates. "But if you allow yourself to waste away and not go on living your life, you are mocking the dead. You still have your life to live, and you have to enjoy it."

Samara's shivering stopped and she nodded into his shoulder. She sighed as she let go of his chest and wrapped her arms around his torso, causing Severus to stiffen in her embrace. He thought that she was going to disengage herself from him, but instead found that she was now clinging closer to him than before, her chest pressed against his as she held onto him tight. She pressed her face in the crook of his shoulder and neck, but he couldn't feel her wet face touching the skin of his neck, though he smelled a small amount of pressure which caused him to shiver.

"We should probably get you up to the castle before you get sick," Severus said as he stared down at her. Samara pulled away very slowly and looked up into his eyes, smiling. Severus felt his heart lift a little, to see that she didn't have to struggle to smile. Had he really been able to console someone?

"Thanks Professor Snape. I think you are far too good to me," she said as she looked into his eyes. Severus froze beneath her sight and motioned for them to head back towards the castle. He thanked whatever ultimate, omniscient power for the cloak of darkness, as he was sure the heat in his face indicated a blush.

"You are my favorite student, and you were dealt a hand that was hardly fair," he said as they walked. Samara cast a side-long glance over at the Potions Master.

"No, that's why you respect me. Not why you protect me and allow me to tease you," Samara said, confidently. Severus looked over at the girl on his right.

"What do you mean?" Severus said coolly.

"I'll like you to say it when you are ready to admit it to me," she said enigmatically. "I'm not ready to tell you either, still need to heal, but for now, you already know why I respect you. And I wish I were a little more like you and not care about hurting anyone's feelings with the things I say or my actions, most especially when people need to be put in line."

"I would never want you to be like me," Severus said a little darkly.

"I can't, even if I want to be a little like you," Samara said with a little shrug as they stepped into the castle and she dried the rain off herself with a charm. Severus turned to her to see that she was still standing in the doorway, the pattering rain and Hogwarts green grounds becoming a background to her thin figure. She'd lost all the weight she'd put during her pregnancy very quickly because of her depression-guilt-trip. "So I suppose I will always be your dear, sweet Samara. Only growing and becoming wiser," she said with a smile. "Good night Professor Snape."

Severus watched her walking away, feeling his head spinning at everything that she had just said and not understanding any of it. Sleep would not come tonight.

TBC…