Author's Note: I would like to point out quickly that part of this chapter deals with the same violent and angst-filled incident that is described in the opening of the story in Ch.2. Though such a scene is often very difficult to read, I felt it necessary for Michaela to confide in Sully in order for their relationship to move forward. Please enjoy the latest installment of 'I Run To You'.
Ch.21
Smiling to herself as she twisted yet another strand of her long auburn hair around the curling iron, she couldn't deny how excitement flooded over her at the thought that he would be arriving in a little over twenty minutes. Setting the curling iron down on the counter for a brief moment, she tugged on the hem of her black dress yet again; still unsure of whether she should be wearing it at all. The double scooped neckline, fitted bodice, and flared skirt hitting just above her knee, all screamed 'sex appeal', a message she hadn't been comfortable sending in years… The three-quarter sleeves were about the only part she didn't mind. Urging herself once more to stop worrying, she involuntarily jumped at the sound coming from the door to her apartment.
Glancing at the clock fleetingly as she made her way out of her bedroom and into the living room, she wondered if it really was him. Though he was always on time, he seemed to understand that women, herself included, didn't appreciate one arriving too ahead of schedule. As she swung the door open, a wide grin enveloped her features as she saw both the man she loved more than anything and his adorable daughter bound through the door.
" 'Chaela!" Hannah cried excitedly as she jumped into Michaela's outstretched arms.
"I'm so happy you get to come to dinner with us tonight!" Michaela declared sincerely, tucking a few strands of dark hair behind the young girl's ear.
"Me too!" she joyfully returned, wrapping her arms tightly around Michaela's neck.
"Thanks so much for helping me out sweetheart," Sully stated as he sent a brilliant smile in her direction.
"I'm more than happy to help," she returned with a small laugh, overcome by Hannah's affection for her.
"Is it okay if I set her things over here?" he questioned motioning towards the corner of the living room.
"Of course," she answered, watching Hannah with a smile as the little girl skillfully removed her jacket and placed it into Sully's hand, never leaving Michaela's arms.
"I have to admit though, I'm not quite ready," Michaela followed up shyly.
"Sorry, that's my fault. I showed up at preschool a tad early, and she couldn't be convinced to do anything besides head over here right that second. I tried suggesting the park, ice cream store, even the toy store, but all she wanted to do was come over to see you," he explained with an elation she could hear in every word no matter how casual he tried to sound.
"Well I'm so very honored that visiting me is so exciting for you," she answered looking down at Hannah as she spoke.
"Do you want to help me finish getting ready?" she asked Hannah, watching as the little girl's eyes lit up at the prospect.
"Yeah!" Hannah returned excitedly, bouncing up and down in Michaela's arms. Grabbing a strand of Michaela's just curled hair in her small grasp, Hannah clearly admired it. "You are so pretty…" she added in awe.
"So are you Miss Hannah," Michaela returned sincerely.
Sully watched as Michaela carried Hannah into the bedroom, both girls with contagious smiles etched across their faces. In a mesmerized daze, he stared at the very spot she'd been standing just moments before, until he finally decided to take a seat on the couch, close to her open door. He continued to listen to their conversation pouring out softly from the open door, simply stunned by how well those two seemed to click. He'd always thought any woman he brought into their lives would need help to relate to Hannah…
Over the years, several friends of Lauren's, and even a few of Matthew's girlfriends, had talked to his little girl in what he could only describe as a 'baby voice' that drove him nuts. He'd never understood why they felt the need to adjust the octave of their voice up several levels and speak to his daughter as if she were beneath them. Never once had he adjusted his tone, nor words when he spoke to Hannah. If he used a word he knew she didn't have in her vocabulary, he would simply explain it to her. And it astounded him that Michaela naturally spoke to her in that very way…
"Can I do your hair, too?" Michaela questioned softly.
"Yes!" Hannah shouted in reply.
Sully couldn't help but laugh as he realized his hairstyling skills clearly left something to be desired. Though if he were being entirely honest most days his goal was simply to get Hannah to brush it. Styling it in any sort of fashion other than brushed didn't happen too often.
"I'm going to pull this top part of your hair back…" Michaela explained.
Though he couldn't see them, Sully could vividly imagine Hannah's bright smile as she watched Michaela do her hair in the reflection from the mirror.
"What's that for?" Hannah questioned.
"It's a makeup brush that helps me put makeup on my eyelids. Here, I'll show you how I use it," Michaela answered, once again impressing him that she didn't blow Hannah's question off with a very simple explanation that may or may not be true.
"Oh okay!" Hannah replied moments later in understanding. "I love your black dress… It's beautiful…" his sweet little one continued.
"Thank you!" Michaela returned so genuinely he would have thought she'd said it to him. "You don't think I'm too dressed up?"
"Nope. Daddy loves dresses. Or at least that's what he says when I wear one."
"I'll bet he likes your outfit, though. It's not a dress, but you look very cute," Michaela replied.
She had indeed predicted right. Hannah's plaid skirt, white sweater, and matching white tights had always been one he'd loved to see her wear. Hannah said nothing in return for several minutes, though he knew she was grinning from ear to ear.
"Thank you," she finally whispered softly.
Once again he was so very proud of the sweet and polite little girl he was raising. As he turned his attention away from their conversation momentarily, his eyes landed on a small leather-bound journal sitting on the coffee table. Studying its worn cover for a few seconds, he immediately noticed Michaela scrawled in the upper right corner of the first white sheet peaking out from behind the slightly bent cover. Curiosity swept over him, urging for at least a quick skim through its pages.
He knew it was an invasion of her privacy, and yet he couldn't help but feel that she wouldn't have left it out in the open if she didn't want anyone else to see what was written upon its pages. Besides, he had a feeling it would end up being class notes or have some other tie to her academic pursuits. After quickly glancing in the direction of her open door, he picked the small book up in his left hand. Swallowing hard as he stared down at the object, he realized he would not be able to overcome the deep desire to scan through it briefly.
Vowing he would only flip through the pages, he pulled back the cover and began scrolling through page after page of her perfect, cursive handwriting. Feeling the guilt seep over him as he immediately realized this was something incredibly personal, he was about to snap it closed when one phrase jumped out at him and slapped him in the face harder than any other words had before.
"But more than that I will never ever forgive myself for how I resolved the situation. In the moment of such panic I did something unthinkable…"
Whether he wanted to or not, he was compelled to find out what she could have possibly done that was so unthinkable. Continuing down the page, skimming through the words he stopped as another sentence quickly caught his undivided attention. Taking in each word as if nothing he had ever read was more urgent or important he began reading his way through each printed word.
"I've never felt more ashamed of any action in my life… I feel as if this secret will literally rip me apart if I reveal it to anyone…"
"Daddy, what are you looking at?" a sweet voice called out.
Jumping slightly after being caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he almost threw the journal back on the table, more than a little relieved to see that Michaela hadn't joined Hannah in the doorway. Hadn't seen what he was looking at so intently…
"Nothing," he returned quickly, as casually as he could muster.
He sincerely hoped she would drop the subject and not attempt to pick up the journal and look at its contents for herself. Though she wouldn't be able to read a single word, he certainly didn't want Michaela to catch Hannah with it anymore than he wanted her to spot him with it.
"Look Daddy, my hair looks like Michaela's!" she cried out excitedly as she rushed to his side.
"It looks great," he added sincerely, running his hand through a curled lock of her hair that lay softly on her shoulder.
"She let me wear her bracelet, too!" Hannah continued, turning her wrist slightly back and forth to allow the light to catch each one of the small gemstones upon the leather bangle's surface.
"That looks beautiful on you baby girl," he returned, remembering that very piece of jewelry fondly from Michaela's first meeting with Hannah.
"I couldn't agree more," Michaela stated as she appeared in the doorway.
Turning his gaze in her direction, he was utterly and completely stunned by the woman before him. Though she'd been wearing the very same dress when she answered the door earlier, now there was something else there… Gone was the girl that seemed afraid to wear even jeans around him. In her place was one exuding what he would only describe as confidence in how the fitted black dress made her appear to others. Though he'd always found her incredibly attractive no matter what she wore, it was that element of self-assurance that made all the difference in the world. Unable to resist for even a second longer, he immediately arrived at her side.
Kissing her on the cheek after pulling her into his embrace, he whispered softly, "You have no idea how incredible you look tonight. I know you took a step out of your comfort zone, and I want you to know how much I love that you did. All I can say is- amazingly sexy."
The way he said that last word sent sparks flying through her in a way that word never had before. Wanting more than words to kiss him passionately, she was disappointed to feel him pull away before she could act.
"Let's go!" Hannah declared impatiently, coat on and hand on the door, clearly feeling left out of their short private moment.
"Alright, alright we're coming!" Sully replied in mock exasperation.
Though before taking a stride toward the front door to join Hannah, he sent Michaela an ornery wink. Wondering what his gesture could mean, she quickly had her answer before she could even send him a questioning gaze. Unable to stop a gasp from escaping her lips as he gave her a pinch from behind, he grinned at her shocked response. Somewhat caught off guard by his action, she followed him to the door, wondering if he meant more by that then what he was letting on.
And as he held the door open for her, placing his left hand gently on her shoulder, she could feel the shock of desire his touch sent through her. Powerless to stop the blush that crept up on her cheeks, she marveled at the feelings he was stirring in her with a simple innocent gesture. Feelings that were in such sharp contrast to those that David had once conjured. Where once she had despised every kiss or slight touch, she now found herself almost counting the seconds until Sully would reach for her again, loving the high his touch sent through her.
"You are absolutely adorable when you blush," he whispered as he closed the door behind them, taking her hand gently into his the other reaching out toward Hannah.
Grinning at his words and excited to see what the night would bring, she truly believed for the first time that maybe, just maybe, she would be able to leave her past behind her.
Trying to catch Sully's eyes as he sat close beside her in a black leather booth, she followed his gaze to the other side of the table were Hannah sat. Watching the little girl as she intently focused on coloring the child's placemat she'd been given, Michaela found herself caught off guard as he leaned in closer, whispering, "That dress is just killing me."
Turning slightly to look into his eyes, she smiled shyly in return, wanting to put her own feelings into words but unsure of how to do so.
"I can't stop thinking about spending some time alone with you," he continued softly as he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.
Feeling his hand running up her inner thigh, she quickly felt a rush of anxiety consume her. Flashing him a look of concern, she hoped he would understand what she was feeling without further explanation. He obviously felt comfortable with showing his attraction for her around Hannah, but that kind of display of affection made her feel uneasy.
Reading her expression and feeling her immediately tense under his soft touch, he pulled back, wondering what exactly had caused her reaction. Immediately noticing her eyes shift back to Hannah, he nodded to himself as understanding washed over him. Taking her hand in his, he gave it a gentle squeeze, wanting to assure her that he had figured out her silent message.
She couldn't help but notice that prior to his whispered words of affection moments before, he'd been unusually quiet since they'd left her apartment. Wondering what might be wrong, she whispered, "Are you okay?", squeezing his hand that still lay within hers. Her concern remained when she was unable to catch his gaze that was now fixed on Hannah's placemat.
"Of course…" he returned, his eyes still focused ahead, hoping she wouldn't read too much into it. The truth of the matter being that he still couldn't stop the words from her journal unthinkable, ashamed, and secret from constantly spinning through his mind.
"Alright…" she said skeptically, still unnerved by his determination to not look her in the eyes as he'd answered.
"Hannah, why don't you tell Michaela about what you made at school today?" Sully probed, clearly trying to change the subject of their very brief conversation.
Ceasing in her task of coloring the placemat she'd been given, she looked up and said excitedly, "I planted some magic beans. They are going to grow up to the clouds just like in Jack and the Beanstalk!"
"Oh they are?" Michaela questioned with a playful smirk.
"Uh huh. I gave them water too before Daddy took me home," Hannah expanded, thrilled that Michaela seemed so interested in what she'd shared.
"So, there might be a beanstalk waiting for you tomorrow at school?" Sully added.
"Yeah!" Hannah answered.
"It might take longer for them to grow than just one day…" Michaela countered, wanting to prepare Hannah for the reality that would await her the next morning.
"Maybe… But you can't forget they are magic …" Hannah returned, with a shimmer of innocence in her young eyes.
"You have a point," Michaela agreed, loving how Hannah lit up even more at her words.
"Are you going to show Michaela your beanstalk tomorrow when she takes you to school?" Sully questioned.
"Do you want to see it?" Hannah asked eagerly awaiting Michaela's answer.
"I would love to sweetheart," she confirmed sincerely, enamored by the pleased look that crossed Hannah's face before she returned to her coloring task.
"I can't thank you enough for helping me out tomorrow…"
"I am more than happy to spend time with Hannah," she returned sincerely, flashing him a genuine smile.
"How come Michaela is taking me to school tomorrow, Daddy?" Hannah asked.
"Because I have a test to take babe. It starts really early in the morning before your school opens," he replied.
"Okay," she responded, accepting his explanation easily as her focus remained on coloring.
"So how did you get unlucky enough to have a final scheduled at 7:00 in the morning?" Michaela wondered aloud.
"Well it's partially my fault… It's an introductory statistics class that I've put off taking until this year. They test all the sections of the class together, so they have to schedule a time in one of the larger lecture halls that won't conflict with any other classes," he explained, mesmerized by her intent gaze.
"Oh I see. At least you'll get it out of the way quickly," she offered in consolation.
"Good point," he said softly with a smirk. "So how's your studying for finals coming? Not bad I'm guessing if you didn't need tonight to study."
"I'm feeling fairly confident about how I've prepared. I'm meeting Vanessa tomorrow morning to study a bit more, but I should be fine," she answered sincerely.
"Very glad to hear it. When are you completely free and done with everything?"
"My last final is on Friday morning. And you?" she said, sending the same question back to him.
"I'm finished early Thursday afternoon," he returned quickly.
Momentarily lost, she found herself staring, almost too intently, at the beautiful, swirling blue depths of his eyes. "What?" she heard herself utter, at a total loss as to what he'd just said.
"I'm finished early Thursday afternoon," he repeated with a small laugh, charmed by her dazed expression. "Would you be interested in coming with Hannah and me on Friday afternoon to finish some last minute Christmas shopping?"
Feeling the heat seep into her cheeks at the thoughts echoing in her head, not related to the conversation at hand at all, she quickly averted her eyes from his shaking herself slightly to gain control.
"Yeah come with us!" Hannah chimed in tuning back into the conversation once she heard her name mentioned.
"I have to admit I'm not the best gift giver so I could really use you help picking something out for Lauren," he added, watching as she turned her eyes towards Hannah.
Hannah's addition having brought her back to the present moment, she answered with a smile, "I would love to be a part of your trip."
"Yay!" Hannah cried out in excitement, throwing her hands up in the air in a burst of joy.
"You said it pretty girl," Sully directed towards Hannah, before turning to Michaela. "What time should we pick you up on Friday? Would two work for you?"
"Two o'clock sounds great," she said wholeheartedly.
"It's a date!" Hannah added with a charming smile and a flourish of the crayon in her right hand.
"It's a date," Michaela confirmed.
"I gave you the address of Hannah's preschool right?" he questioned as he shut the bedroom door softly behind him and took a seat beside her on the plush couch.
"You did," she confirmed with a small nod. "Don't worry about tomorrow for even a second, sweetheart. I promise we will be fine."
Returning her answer with the same gesture she'd used moments before, he too nodded before turning his gaze towards the floor.
"Is that what you've been worried about all evening?" she asked, placing a hand gently on his knee.
"No…" he managed to return, shaking his head slightly. "Did I tell you how much I love your hair down?"
"Not tonight…" she replied, giving him a shy smile, though wondering why he was attempting to change the subject.
"You've been so quiet tonight… Unusually quiet… Sully, I know something is wrong…" she continued, once again noticing his gaze had quickly returned to the floor.
Realizing she wasn't going to drop the subject, nor was he going to be able to resist questioning her for much longer, he began to answer with, "Well… It's just that…" before glancing towards the closed door to her room.
Picking up on where his gaze had wandered she tried to urge him on saying, "Now that Hannah is asleep, I thought maybe you would be able to confide in me."
After several moments of silence engulfed them both, she ventured, "Sweetheart, please tell me…"
Hearing the pleading tone in her voice, he continued on though knowing the words he needed to speak would not be easy to say.
"Truth is I just feel awful…I shouldn't have done it, and honestly I don't really know how to admit it to you…."
"Done what?" she replied rather sharply, trying not to let her inner panic show on her face or sound in her voice as she could feel her pulse quicken the moment the words fell from his lips.
"Well when you and Hannah were in the other room… I well… I sort of couldn't help but notice your journal…" he answered in a rush, holding his breath as he awaited her reaction.
"Oh…" she almost whispered, as it was the only reply she could manage as her head spun with the realization of what he'd just conveyed.
"And I'm ashamed to admit that curiosity got the best of me, and I scanned through it a little…" he continued, swallowing hard as he finally dared to take a look into her eyes.
And the very moment he did meet her gaze, he could not have felt more remorse nor regret as the fear, panic, and pain in her eyes led him to believe that this was not something she would easily forgive or forget. Just as he had feared, he knew there must be something horrendous written upon the pages of that journal… For her expression only confirmed what he knew to be true from the moment he read that short excerpt… She'd done something awful…
"And… well… I saw something about feeling terrible for doing something unthinkable, and the truth is I can't seem to get that out of my head… The curiosity and the guilt are just tearing me up…" he finished, unsure if he should have continued, but feeling as if he'd already crossed the point of no return long ago.
He became more distraught and anxious by the second as she continued to remain silent, eyes fixed straight ahead looking towards nothing he could pinpoint. He had no idea how to continue or if he even should continue.
"Michaela…" he finally uttered, hoping to get her attention as she seemed to be so focused on holding back tears for the last several minutes that she'd lost the ability to speak.
"Please forgive me…" he added, taking her hands fully into his own, wishing she would say something, anything.
"Sully, I'm not angry with you…" she finally answered, meeting his eyes so that he knew her words were without a doubt sincere.
"How could you not be? I invaded your privacy and there's no excuse for that."
"Believe it or not I understand… You know I've been hiding so much of my past from you, and there was what one could only guess might be a key to unlocking every aspect of it right in front of you… You couldn't resist… I get that… Like I said I'm not angry with you in any way."
"Then, what are you thinking?" he tried, unable to read her true emotions or thoughts for one of the very first times in their relationship.
"I'm thinking that I have to tell you what I did…" she replied, remaining silent after her answer as tears began to trickle down her cheeks. "But I'm so very mortified that I don't know how to even begin…" she added, pulling her hands away gently from his grasp.
"Mortified?" he echoed.
Mortified… It was such a vivid word… Much stronger than embarrassed… Or ashamed… Though she had a higher vocabulary than most, he knew she chose that word ever so carefully.
"Yes…" she confirmed as she began to bite down hard on the thumbnail of her right hand. "So ashamed of myself even years later that it's hard for me to even fathom sharing…"
"Here…" she said softly as she grabbed the small journal from the table in front of her and placed the leather bound object into his hands.
Seeing the doubt in his gaze she continued, "Please read it… I swear to you I do want to share it with you. I don't have the courage to recount this to you verbally… I don't think I ever will. Please just read it. I know you want answers, and I want you to have them."
"Are you sure?" he whispered, eager to read it contents, yet still plagued with guilt for fear he'd forced her into sharing.
Nodding in his direction, she pulled her knees up towards her chest, pressing her face against them. Distressed with her body language, he gently placed his hand on her shoulder, waiting for her to look up at him. He soon got his wish, as she looked into his eyes, hers already full of glistening tears.
"Sweetheart, I don't need to read this. Whatever it is you don't want to tell me I don't have to know," he returned, hoping this would help ease the agony he saw pouring out from her.
"No, you don't understand. I want you to know… I truly do. I'm just thoroughly embarrassed by what you will find… I know the very entry you are referring to… The one that was the hardest for me to write… Because it's one of my very darkest secrets… The only one I've ever shared it with was the therapist who helped me after David was in custody. You won't ever look at me the same way after you read it, but I know I can't keep it from you for much longer. I just can't bear to watch the disappointment and judgment flash across your face when you read what I can't even bear to say aloud…"
"I've said it before, and I will say it again for all the days of my life if I have to," he instantly replied. "Michaela, when will you finally understand that no matter what you tell me, I will never think less of you? Your past is filled with tragedy, sadness, abuse, and some decisions you wished you'd never made. However, even your missteps and mistakes have made you the amazing woman I'm so very much in love with."
Returning his words with what could only be described as a forced smile, she managed to reply, "We'll see how you feel after you read it. But promise me one thing…"
"Anything."
"Don't lie to me Sully. Please be honest with me. If you are disgusted with me after you read it, I won't blame you in the slightest. However, I beg of you to tell me that honestly. Don't pretend to be fine with what I am so very ashamed of unless you truly feel that way, which to be honest with you I can't even fathom."
"I promise," he said in return, knowing nothing else he could say would ease her worry.
"It starts on page 82…" she whispered before burying her face in her arms, resting atop her bent knees.
He looked over at her, simply staring for several silent moments. He wanted to comfort her…hold her… tell her it didn't matter… And yet he knew the only thing that would truly console her would be his words after reading this entry she was so afraid to show anyone. Taking a deep breath, he flipped to the page that held yet another shadow of her past that had changed her forever.
"Come here…" he called with seduction dripping from his voice that terrified me beyond words.
I knew without a doubt what he planned to do, and I can honestly say I'd never felt such a horror consume me before at the thought. As he pulled me into his arms and pushed me back towards my bed, it took every ounce of strength I possessed not to let the choking sobs harboring in my throat push forth in a desperate cry of panic. Lying down with him towering above me, I'd never felt so defenseless. The sheer panic only intensified as he roughly pinned my hands above my head, as any criminal would do to his victim… And in that moment that's exactly what I was- a victim.
Never before had I considered myself to be a powerless bystander to my own fate until that very moment. After he had my upper body exposed, I still remember clenching my eyes so tight it hurt to avoid his gaze as the utter embarrassment flooded through me. In all the times I had imagined this very scenario, I'd never realized the paralyzing fear that would reach out and grab me so forcefully I was literally unable to take any action at all. Hot tears came flooding out of their own accord, as I knew the night I had avoided for years had now finally arrived.
David wasn't going to back down this time, and I desperately needed to summon the strength to fight, but it didn't seem to be there when I needed it the most. When he released his grip on my hands, and moved his to the waistband of my skirt, I felt every inch of my body tremble in fear as he pulled the material down. I cried out in an anguished attempt to stop him, "David, if you ever loved me please stop…"
Ceasing momentarily in his quest to finish this entry, he shut his eyes and took in a deep breath knowing that remaining even partially calm and composed while reading this was going to prove impossible. He'd always been one to believe in that old saying 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me', never realizing that words could cut one deeper that any physical assault. As she'd begun to describe what had to be one of the worst of his assaults, each of her vivid words were shredding him to pieces. He could tell she'd only just begun to recount the haunting details of that evening, and yet he already didn't think he could read on further. He could literally hear her voice ringing through his ears, pleading for this man to stop…And not only was he left with a sickening feeling in his gut, but he found the dark thought creeping up from the recesses of his mind that he still had no clue what she'd been through. He forced himself to continue, knowing she needed him to truly understand what had happened.
I will never forget each of the words in his icy reply… "I'm not going to stop a da** thing. I've waited for you for far too long now. You're lucky I didn't take you in the back of my car with how hard you've made this for me. Well I couldn't have been any more da** understanding, and you told me tonight you would let me love you. You belong to me, Michaela. I'm not backing down this time…" I knew in that very moment that my chances for ending this agony were truly over.
As he removed my last item of clothing, the total humiliation crept over me, and I felt more vulnerable and out of control than I ever had in my life. I'd never wished for my own death either until that very moment as I watched his eyes scan across my entirely exposed body. I couldn't stop the voice in my head from echoing, "It's not supposed to be like this" which was one of the very worse aspects. The illusion of the shattered dream of what my very first time would be like pierced my heart as if I were being stabbed by the blade of a razor sharp knife. This was supposed to be something I wanted… Desired… for lack of a better word… And yet I had never wanted anything more than for this very moment to not be happening…
I had always thought, imagined, vowed that in this moment I had been dreading for so very very long that I would fight… Fight to the death… I'd never had a doubt in my mind that I would. Yet when the moment finally came I was overcome with heart-stopping terror and had no strength to fight. I tried to simply check out, shut out the entire world if only for the next twenty minutes.
Of course he knew exactly what I sought to do and was determined not to let even my mind save me from the agony that had only just begun. Upon hearing his sharp command laced with obscene words, I wanted more than anything to just ignore his request and keep my eyes shut. But before I realized what I was doing, I had done exactly what he'd asked and opened my tightly shut lids. It was useless to fight him in any way… What David wanted David obtained at all costs… And he'd wanted me for longer than he'd wanted anything else. As he literally… jabbed his fingers inside of me, I couldn't stop the gasp that escaped my lips for I knew he was just getting started...
He stopped reading momentarily, wondering in blind terror, she couldn't be about to describe that could she? No… There's no way… She couldn't be… echoed through his mind over and over. Quickly flashing back to their conversation from months before, he began to go over each and every word she'd used. He could still remember it vividly… It was the very first time she had opened up to him about her past…
He'd asked if David had hurt her too, and she'd said "yes". But when he'd followed that up with "How did he hurt you?" She had answered, "In every way possible… Except that one way…" Had he mistaken what she meant? In that moment he'd assumed she meant David had never sexually assaulted her the way he had Kimberly…
But what if that wasn't what she meant? What if she'd intentionally manipulated her words to hide it from him?… She'd just confessed that he would look at her differently after he read it… Had she lied to him previously, afraid that he would only see her as a victim of sexual assault?
He wanted to immediately turn to her and demand that she answer that second. He didn't want to read on further… Especially, if it would be an explicit recounting of something as horrendous as sexual assault… But he knew there would be no way to ask her that question in any collected matter. Not only would that distress her even more, but Hannah would probably hear and wake to the elevated volume of his voice and the panic it conveyed.
Turning his eyes back to the loopy, cursive handwriting he continued to read on, knowing he had no other choice.
Needless to say the pain was excruciating and nearly unbearable. I've never been able to truly describe it to anyone, because it wasn't simply a physical pain. I'd endured so much physical agony in his hands I don't think much would have fazed me by that point. The sharp white-hot pain that shot through me was torturous, but nowhere near the pain the scar on my ankle would never let me forget. And yet I would still describe that moment he had his fingers inside of me as the very worst and most painful of my life.
Words will never describe the emotional pain that moment inflicted. I've tried for so long to find words… Describing other instances of his abuse have always brought a sense of closure to the situation for me… And yet I can't get that sense about what happened that evening… I think it's because I will never truly forgive myself. Not just for letting it happen, because that is precisely what happened… I let myself become a victim that evening… I didn't even try to fight. And that's something I don't think I will ever forgive myself for. But more than that I will never ever forgive myself for how I resolved the situation. In the moment of such panic I did something unthinkable…
Feeling his heart rate increase, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, he knew she was about to reveal something that would be both shocking and appalling. But he had to know… He had to have the answer…
It had always been unthinkable up to that point, but the moment it popped into my head it had seemed like the perfect and only solution. When he finally stopped his violent assault, and I looked into his eyes I was beyond disgusted by what I saw… Not just lust anymore, but anger as well. One would assume that anger was deep seeded and not directed specifically at me, but yet I knew that was not true… I knew him too well… Knew how he thought and what made him tick… He was mad I clearly wasn't enjoying anything. I lie there overwhelmed by the realization that he dare be angry with me in that moment, and as he moved in toward me I knew what he was going to do… It was all over and there was nothing I could do… I was on the edge of a cliff, and he was going to push me off whether I wanted it or not. Never had I felt such panic engulf me in just a moment's time…
And right before he entered me the idea snapped into my mind, and I didn't have even a second to contemplate whether it should be done or not. I simply just acted. Pushing on his chest with both hands so hard he fell over backward, I watched as the fury in his eyes quickly changed to desire as I didn't run but instead sat up… Smiled at him… Acted like I wanted to do what I was about to…
I don't know how to even write this… I know I need to… If I don't it will eat me up inside forever… This is the only way I can share this with the one who has helped me through every step of my emotional recovery. And yet I can't seem to put it on paper… Make it real… I've never felt more ashamed... I feel as if this secret will literally rip me apart if I reveal it to anyone… And yet keeping it inside has proved to be even more deadly.
I… God, I can't even write this! I know Ann will never tell another living soul, and yet it's breaking me apart that even Ann will know… Somehow I almost feel more guilt over this than what happened with Kimberly, which is wrong on so many levels… Of course this was much worse than what I did to convince David's Omega Chi brother to take me home that fateful evening…
I…I put him in my mouth… That's not even the term for it, and I can barely stand to write even those words… That evening he was right… I was just a cheap whore… I compromised everything I felt and believed to appease him, and it was so very wrong… I gave him what he wanted, but I made myself the truly horrendous and filthy girl he'd told me I was day after day.
After he violently grabbed a handful of my hair and clenched my jaw closed, forcing me to swallow, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and started sobbing uncontrollably. I braced myself for his assault that I knew was on the way after my reaction was to cry, and yet it never came…
Unable to stop the gasp that escaped from his lips, Sully immediately regretted that he'd allowed himself to react verbally. There was no mistaking that his outburst had caused her to begin sobbing. She'd been waiting for him to read the six words in that passage that revealed what she had done, and he had made the grave mistake of letting her know exactly when he'd reached them. There were truly no words to describe how overcome with sorrow he was as he watched her small figure shake, her face still buried in her arms resting upon her knees.
Though he knew she might try to resist his attempts, for once he didn't ask. Instead he just did what he needed to more that she would ever understand. Reaching underneath her knees, he scooped her up in his lap as if she were his little girl that was sleeping peacefully in the other room. Cradling her in his arms, he wanted to let her know that his opinion of her still hadn't waived. Yet, he said nothing, knowing that what she really needed that very moment was for him to simply hold her, his touch conveying that he wanted to be there for her now more than ever.
Incredibly caught off guard as she found herself in his arms before she had a chance to even protest, she wondered what in the world could have possessed him to seek to comfort her as his first reaction. As soon as his shocked gasp had echoed through the silent living room, she waited for the questions that she knew would come. She waited to hear the disgust and disappointment in his voice… But yet it never did come…
She desperately wanted to convey to him how much his loving embrace meant to her in that very moment, as she felt him softly wiping the falling tears from her cheeks. But she said nothing, deciding to revel in the comfort his strong arms provided while she still could. There was no way he wasn't going to have words for her after what she'd just essentially confessed… And once he did finally convey those words, she knew he would seek distance from her.
"You will never understand how much I love you. Those words will never do my feelings justice… Don't ever doubt how I feel for you. You are my everything. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will change that darling," he whispered softly to her, wanting her to understand without a doubt that what he had just read changed nothing between them.
Looking into his sparking blue eyes for the first time since he'd pulled her into his arms, she was stunned to see the tears they were holding just below the surface. Wanting to say something back, she realized she was unable, as his words had moved her to speechlessness. And as he kissed her cheek softly and whispered, "It just tears me apart that you had to endure that…" she knew precisely what he wished to convey and realized that he had reacted to the unthinkable in an unimaginable way.
"Will you please read the rest?" she finally requested as she lay on his chest, her tears finally subsiding.
Stunned by her words, he sat her up in his arms, wanting to look her directly in the eyes.
"Why would you ask that?" he wondered softly.
"I just want you to know everything…"
Wondering what else could possibly be left in that entry, he grabbed the journal from the table in front of him, knowing he could never deny her anything she asked of him. Reading on with her still in his arms, he took a deep breath before beginning…
When I had the strength to turn around, he wasn't even looking at me… After releasing me, he'd fallen backward and fallen asleep. I can't even say how long I sat there watching him closely and letting all the tears I'd held back fall freely… It may have even been hours that I sat there almost motionless, despising not just David, but myself for what I had done… Now he would demand this from me every chance he possibly could. This would never be just a one-time thing, and I would never be allowed to forget that I had initiated it… And it sickened me beyond belief…
Somehow I finally found the courage and strength to stand and retrieve some clothes before I had no choice but to make my way to the bathroom. Taking one more quick glance in his direction, I prayed he would not wake and find me missing…
Gently closing the wooden bathroom door behind me, I pushed in the brass lock, then dressed quickly still desperately hoping he wouldn't wake. Staring hard at my reflection in the mirror, I realized how much I truly hated myself… Not just for what I'd done, but what I had let myself become at his hands. He'd changed me… From a girl who had morals and knew right from wrong into someone who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted… Even if what I wanted wasn't wrong, how I attained it was despicable… Watching as more tears continued to fall from my swollen eyes, I glanced towards the closed door once more, worried my time alone wouldn't last much longer.
Sitting upon the bathroom floor I knew what I wanted to do… It was wrong just like what I'd done earlier in the evening, yet I realized that wrong didn't matter much to me anymore apparently. What had always been a very clear and distinct black and white was now a pale shade of grey. Holding my hair back with one hand, I took my trembling right one and stuck it as far down my throat as I could… Somehow riding myself of the poison I felt was seeping inside of me the longer I spent under his command made me feel powerful and in control… Emotions I hadn't felt it the longest time… Again, I knew it was wrong… Deeply unhealthy and destructive, and I did it anyway, consumed by the relief that came for the first time that evening.
When I finally did return to my room, he was still fast asleep in what had been my sanctuary. Now it was a room that would forever contain memories of my poor choices, disgusting actions, and haunting thoughts…
Distancing myself as far away from him as I could, I sat down in a corner of the room. I pulled my knees to my chest and continued to sob uncontrollably, afraid I would wake him and yet not afraid enough to make myself stop.
I whispered apologizes profusely into the dark room into the early morning hours with one in particular echoing constantly… "I'm so sorry father. I know I'm not the girl you raised, and I will never forgive myself for what I did here. I have become a corrupt and awful person, and I will never be able to tell you how much I wish I was still the seven-year-old little girl who ran into your arms the minute you walked into the door, still unbroken, still innocent….