NOVEMBER - DEAN
As soon as I was out of the door, I didn't let myself think. I didn't let myself feel.
I just drove.
But at some point it was getting too hard to not think about what had just happened. It was getting too hard to not try to understand it.
So I found a good place, and I parked the car.
And I let myself feel and think again.
I was angry. That much I had felt back in the motel room before I shut myself down. I didn't really know on what though. The whole situation, I guessed.
I was angry with Soph for not telling me. Why the hell didn't she tell me? Damn it, I thought we told each other everything? She was at the hospital a week ago... A week. I had the right to know that my wife couldn't get pregnant!
And why the hell was she blaming this on herself? Sure, I didn't know the whole story. But I knew that this wasn't her fault and she shouldn't blame this on her. It wasn't her fault. And I wouldn't let her believe that it was.
The more I thought, the more I realized that I wasn't angry at her. Not at all. Yes, I wished that she would have told me. But I wasn't angry. And even though I was disappointed back in the room, I wasn't now. I didn't even know why I had been. This was confusing.
I knew Soph would have let me in, so I don't know why I had pushed her. I knew she would tell me eventually. Why did I push her to tell me? I had no idea.
It didn't help her much, and it didn't make me feel any better.
And when I thought more, I realized I was more than confused. I was disappointed. But not at Soph.
I was disappointed because when she told me she thought she was pregnant, I was hopeful.
I knew she would say that she wasn't because of the way that she had acted, but I still hoped.
And that was confusing.
I could look at Tess and Dave, and deep inside I knew that I someday wanted what they had. Someday.
And I could look at Rob and Linda, and wanted what they had. What they wanted.
I wanted a family. I had Soph. And I had Sam. And I even had Tess and Rob and Bobby...
But Soph was the one closest to me, and it was with her I was supposed to create a family with someday.
And that's what I knew deep inside when I watched Tess, Dave and the kids. When I watched Rob, Linda and their dog. They would start a family soon, and I knew they both wanted kids. They had talked about it.
And it was confusing because I didn't think I wanted that now. But when she told me she couldn't get pregnant, I realized I wanted that now. And I knew Soph did, too.
Which is why I knew it must be killing her to know that she can't give us that.
And a part of me could understand her for wanting to deal with it alone before telling me, and letting me in. But that didn't stop me for wishing that she would have let me in. That she would have told me so that we could do this our way. Deal with it together. Like we always do.
And now I felt really bad for leaving her.
I saw that she needed me, and I knew that, but still I had just walked away and closed the door behind me.
That had never happened before, and I wouldn't let it happen again.
So I started the car and drove back to the motel.
When I reached it, I noticed that the light was on in our room. But I had been gone for over four hours, which meant it was getting closer to morning than midnight, so I knew she would be asleep.
I opened the door quietly, and closed it just the same. I looked around the room, noticing that she wasn't on the bed. But she had been.
She wasn't on the bed, but she was on the couch. I walked closer, and lifted her sleeping form into my arms and walked over to the bed where I put her down and pulled the covers over her after I pulled her jeans off.
As I walked to turn off the lights, I noticed something on the couch next to where Soph had been.
It was a picture of her family right before her father passed away. They all looked so happy. But they had been happy after that as well. Sure, there was always a piece missing. But they still lived their lives, and enjoyed it. They didn't live in the past, but in the present.
And I knew Soph would still do that. She would be fine, and I would make sure that she was.
Next to that picture was another one – this one on Soph and me. It was taken recently, on our honeymoon actually. I didn't even know that she had that picture with her.
And we looked just as happy as the family of five. The family on the other picture.
We were happy. Are happy. Just the two of us. No baby.
We would go through this together, and even though we both wanted a bigger family we would be fine. We had always been more than that, and we would continue to be so.
Together we could handle everything, and I wouldn't let her feel miserable for something she couldn't control. For something none of us could control.
I felt something very wet and cold hit me, and suddenly I was wide awake, jolting up in the bed.
I saw Soph walking away from the bed, an empty glass in her hand.
"You're upset," I said, trying to dry the water from my face with the covers.
"Try pissed," she said, putting the glass on the bench. Okay, she was pissed. Point taken. And if I were her, I would be too.
"I'm sorry about last night," I said, climbing out of the bed. I found my jeans and pulled them on.
"You're sorry?" she asked as she turned around. Okay, that didn't help much.
"I regret leaving, okay? I'm not sorry for telling you the things I did, because that's how I felt. Still do. No, I'm not angry anymore. I can understand that you didn't tell me, but I wished that you would have."
"Maybe you're not angry, but I am. God damn it, Dean! I told you I wasn't ready to tell you, but yet I did. And I needed you to be there for me like you always are! Even if you were angry, you shouldn't have left."
"I know I shouldn't. But I couldn't think, and I needed to think. Until last night I didn't even know I wanted to have a baby with you. Sure, someday. Maybe in a year or two. But not now. I didn't know that, but now I do. And it hurts me that we can't have that."
"It hurts you? It's killing me! And when you walked out last night... It broke my heart. You've always known when I need you, but apparently not last night. Because I needed you more than ever last night. I need you now," she said, more than a few tears running down her face. I felt like a big fat jerk, just walking away like that. She was right, and I really should have stayed. But she was also wrong. I did know that she needed me. And I needed her as well.
"I love you, Soph, and I know that you need me because I need you too. And I know I did the wrong thing to leave... Can you look at me?" I asked. I had been walking closer, and was only an inch away from her. She had folded her arms, and refused to meet my eyes.
She didn't say anything, so I raised my hand and pulled her chin up so that she would have to look at me. Instead of doing so she closed her eyes, and I heard her taking a deep raging breath before more tears fell. I couldn't see her like this, knowing there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. Time was the only thing that could.
I wrapped my arms around her, but she still didn't unfold hers. She sobbed, trying to pull her tears back. God, she could be so stubborn sometimes. Well, all the time actually.
But eventually she realized that she couldn't stop the tears and she let them all come. She finally let me in, wrapping her arms around me as well and leaning into me.
Now when she had finally let me in, I pulled her closer and wrapped my arms even more security around her.
We stood like that until all of her tears were over, and a little while longer. None of us said anything until I spoke. When I did, I talked softly, trying not to upset her again.
"I found your pills in the waste basket last night... So there is really no chance?" I was stroking her back with one of my hands, and I had been this entire time.
"They said it was like one in a million, so it's a waste of time taking them," she said, her voice muffled against my chest. One in a million... At least there was a small chance. I told her so.
"What's the point?" she asked, and I didn't know what to answer her. No, one in a million wasn't really good odds. And even though Soph and I could do anything, a part of me doubted that even though we had that really small chance, it wouldn't happen. Not in this lifetime.
I didn't answer her question. Instead I asked one.
"Why are you blaming yourself? This isn't your fault..."
"Yeah, it is. It is my fault..."
"There is nothing you could have done to make this fall on you, Soph. I can't let you blame yourself for noting you can't even control. You haven't done anything wrong."
"I wasn't strong enough. I should have been..." she mumbled. What was she talking about?
"The doctor said it could be because of some damage I've went through. I told her about Trent, and she said that was probably it. I should have defended myself that night. Or I shouldn't have walked alone, or..." she trailed off.
This was his fault? He had beaten her so much so that she couldn't even get pregnant? Wasn't it enough that he had left enough scars to last a lifetime? Longer than a lifetime? Wasn't it enough that he had taken something she didn't want to give him when he forced himself on her? Wasn't that more than enough? Did he have to take this too? I knew I should have beat him dead when I had the chance to do so.
"Don't you dare blame this on you, Soph. There is nothing you could have done. You were defenseless. I should have showed you how to protect yourself a lot sooner than I did. I could have prevented it..." I said, hearing how true it sounded. I should have taught her before that night, and not after. I could have prevented him beating her, raping her... Now I wasn't just angry at the son of a bitch named Trent, now I was mad at myself.
"Dean, no. There is nothing you could have done. If I hadn't known you, it would have happened anyway. I would have been in this situation with someone else. But you were there, and you still are. You taught me how to protect myself if it would ever happen again, and thankfully it hasn't," she said, and after that we were both silent for a while, just holding each other.
She was right – if I hadn't been in her life it would have happened anyway. That night would have happened, and this would have happened. She would have realized this with someone else.
Even though I really didn't want this to happen, I was glad it happened with me. And not someone else.
Thinking of someone else in my place made me slightly jealous.
What if she hadn't knocked on my door to apologize for hitting me so many years ago? What if we hadn't continued to keep in touch? What if we had never realized we loved each other? That we were in love with each other?
She would have loved someone else, that's what. I'm sure he would have been great, but still... Just thinking of Soph with someone else, even if I had never been in the picture, made me jealous.
God, I hadn't been that in years...
"We should be having make-up sex right now," she mumbled after a few moments, causing me to smile.
She'd be the only one to even manage to think about that right now. But that's the way she worked. She distracted herself from thinking of certain things to feel better at the moment. And when she was ready to think about it again, she did.
And with those words, she took away the jealously I was feeling. She was with me, and no one else. And things would always stay that way.
"If it's going to make you feel better," I offered, knowing she would turn it down. Because it wouldn't make any of us feel better. Both of us knew that.
She looked up at me and met my eyes.
"Probably not," she remarked, looking sad. "What's the point anyway?"
"With sex, or us having it?" I asked, trying to snake a smile out of her. I almost managed to curve her lips into one. Almost.
"What's the point with make-up sex," she made herself clear, even though she knew I had understood from the beginning. "I mean, how many times have it happened between us?" she asked.
That was a good question. I couldn't really think of many times. Sure, there had been fights. But just for minor things, so it had never been a real argument between us. And the sex after those minor arguments didn't really count as make-up sex.
"Now you made me think," I mumbled, still thinking about the question.
"Three, four?" I asked, uncertain. I saw it in her eyes that she had no idea as well. It just wasn't something we were counting. It wasn't important.
"We've had make-up sex, let's say four times, in more than two years together. That's like... nothing."
"Maybe we should fight some more then," I said, not at all serious. I loved the fact that we never argued. I saw so little of her, so why spend the time we do have together arguing?
"Why would we when the make-up sex - the one that's supposed to be so much better - when it's always more than amazing?" she asked, placing her head against my chest again.
"C'mon, you can't say that and then not kiss me," I complained and I heard her chuckle. She moved one of her hands from around my waist up to my neck and pulled my face down to hers. She kissed me softly, but at least I felt her inside it. That was more than I had for a week.
Feeling her like this again made me deepen the kiss a little bit, and we stood like that for a moment.
My arms were resting on the small of her back, and hers were around my neck, one of her hands playing with my hair, and I was gently sucking on her lower lip while she was on my upper.
There was nothing sexual about the kiss at all, it was just comforting. It was me trying to make her feel better in any way possible.
When the kiss broke I moved us to the couch where I wrapped my arms around her again and she leaned her head against my shoulder and put her feet on the couch next to her.
"How long will I feel this whole in my heart?" she sighed, and I really wished I could give her an answer.
"I don't know," I told her, and she leaned closer to me. We were quiet for awhile, not saying anything at all.
"Maybe we should see another doctor – get another opinion," I suggested gently, not really knowing how her response would be.
"I can't, Dean. I just... can't hear them say those words again," she answered me, her voice breaking and I pulled her closer to me.
"I love you," I told her simply, knowing she needed to hear it right now. But she didn't answer me for a moment.
"How can you? How can you still love me when there is something wrong with me?"
I grabbed her chin with one of my hands, turning her head so that she was looking at me.
"Baby, I love you more than anything and that will never change. You could be ugly as a donkey, and I would still love you because you are the most amazing person I have ever met. So don't you dare question my love for you again."
I saw her eyes water even more, and her voice was barely a whisper. It managed to break anyway.
"I don't deserve you," she whispered, and then added: "And donkey's are cute."
I chuckled, and heard her doing the same.
"They are nothing compared to you."
"You're just saying that because you have to."
"I don't have to do or say anything, and you've always been more than beautiful to me. Ever since the first time I saw you."
"You've never told me that," she said, resting her chin against my shoulder. She was still looking into my eyes, and I was still looking into hers.
I hadn't? Maybe I hadn't. But god, I remembered everything about that day. Even the way she was dressed.
"At first, I was amazed by your eyes. They were so steady, even though your voice was shaky. I was expecting you to go into shock, but you never did. I thought you were cute, sort of, but you could easily be more than that with a little make-up. But then you smiled, and... wow. I had never seen anyone so beautiful."