Chapter 21: Apologies

An hour later she was lying on the couch when the door opened. When their eyes met, his were soft and sad. He took off his leather jacket and took a seat in the armchair, leaning forward and looking down.

"Becky I am so …" he ran his fingers over his beard, "ashamed that I did that, I… I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry Bex,"

She sat up and scooted closer to him. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry I slept with The Demon… all those times…"

He chuckled lightly, "man are we good at fuckin' up." Finn reached over and wiped some smeared mascara from under her eye. "I'm guessin' neither of those washes out the other?"

"No," she shook her head "not with you and me."

"So I gotta fix this before we talk 'bout… that."

She nodded, "it was dumb I actually thought…"

"I made you think that," he looked down, "what possessed me to do that, I couldn't tell ya."

"That wasn't The Demon… if you were thinkin'… I know 'im."

"I know. That was all me. It was a power play, an' a nasty one at that"

"But it was the truth?"

He paused, looking into her eyes. "That was the truth. So I think you were right about The Demon being a part of me."

"Oh, you sure? He always follows through."

A small smile came across her face as Finn looked surprised and then laughed.

"Obviously there are some… things buried in there I haven't really dealt with."

"Yeah, I'd havta agree with that."

"I always thought that I was ownin' my demons, but maybe they're jus' as restless as everyone else. I jus' happen to give 'em a home too."

She nodded, not saying anything. The knot in her throat hadn't gone anywhere since he'd left her hanging.

"It was cruel of me, an' I'm sorry." He reached his hand behind her head, kissing her forehead lightly.

"I wanna just say it's okay, but…"

"It hurt. No, I understand. Suppose now there's no use denying what you said about me flirtin', and teasin', and then pulling away when I get too close."

"It's what ya do."

He looked at her apologetic, "I'm a stop compartmentalizing that stuff, I'll work harder. If that's any consolation."

"Yeah, a little."

"An' if it makes you feel any better… really wound myself up there too," he looked over at her sheepishly and blushing.

A smile broke out on her face, "serves you right."

"Yeah, I know. Do you, uh… need me to, you know, finish what I started?" The pink was rushing in his face.

"No, I really don't need a pity shag," she shook her head.

"I know. I mean, I want to, and if you needed it too…" he shrugged, looking a little bewildered at the words coming out of his mouth.

"You don't owe me…"

"I know."

She met his gaze and he smiled, saying, "I'll do whatever you want."

They looked at each other for a moment, before Becky said, "Stay there,"

Feeling his eyes on her, she stepped out of the shorts and curled onto his lap. He breathed heavily as she tugged down the waistband of his sweatpants and boxers, but relaxed once she was in position.

"This aiight?"

"Yeah, this is… oh…" he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her into a kiss. It was softer than The Demon's. After a few moments of them moving in tandem, he looked at her and whispered, "this wasn't what I was expecting."

"You said whatever I wanted."

"I know, I jus' thought after all that you'd be a little more…"

"Dominatrix?"

"Punishing, yeah."

"No, I jus'…wanna take my time."

He let out a soft groan as her hips shifted, "take all the time you need."

xxxxxxxxx

Morning broke outside her window and Becky lay in bed for as long as she could defend. Outside her door, she heard Finn stirring, taking a shower, turning on the Thanksgiving parade, and making breakfast. Her stomach was growling by the time she admitted she needed to just get up and face him.

"That smells good," she said, leaning on the counter.

He turned at the sound of her voice, his eyes looked heavy. "Soon I'll be onto bacon."

Pushing the lid of the waffle iron up carefully with his braced hand he slid the waffle out and onto a plate with his good one. He handed the plate to her, catching her eye as he turned.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

"Are we aiight, from last night?"

"Yeah, we're okay."

He nodded and they ate, not speaking, idly watching the American holiday coverage on tv. Sasha had invited Becky home with her, like she did every year, but she was so exhausted from the road, all she wanted was to come home to Finn. She was starting to question that choice as she felt his eyes following her to the couch. He sat next to her, careful not to get too close, and looked over at her like he was waiting for something.

"Oh is it my turn now?"

"Cute."

"Finn," she sighed heavily, "I don't know what you expect me to say that I haven't said already,"

"Then don't, just listen." His eyes were calmer than they had been last night, but there was still hurt and anger lingering behind them.

She pulled her legs up to her chest, nodding her head and kept her gaze steady on him.

"This was a betrayal, Bex." His voice was low and measured. "Simple as that. You of all people know how important trust is to me. We work in a profession where every night we go out and put our lives in the hands of someone else. Without trust, we don' make it to the next match, so there is nothin' in this world I value more. An' in all the time you've known me, have I ever let down your trust?"

"No," she said quietly, looking down at her painted toenails. He lifted her chin up gently with his left hand, making her look him in the eye.

"That's 'cause you mean everythin' to me, and protectin' you will always come first in my book. But you didn't do the same for me. You put what you wanted before my trust and that… Becky, you had to have known how much that would hurt me."

"I'm sorry, I," she bit her lip, feeling the tears swelling up behind her eyes. "I got… caught up."

He snaked his arm around her and drew her in, making it hard for her to hold back. She managed, somehow.

"Y'know," he took a deep sigh, "I don't really blame ya for the first one. I know last night I kinda… blew up, but in hindsight, that first time… you said I came onto you?"

"You, or he kissed me, yeah. Didn't realize it was still The Demon at first actually. I thought… it was dumb." She shook her head.

"No, it wasn't, Bex, I thought about doin' it hundreds of times. Listen," he pulled away enough to meet her eye," I know that you want somethin' that I… don't think is attainable for us."

She opened her mouth to protest, but he shushed her quickly.

"We're not talkin' 'bout that right now, okay? I understand the impulse to take the opportunity. I can forgive needin' to… to know what it felt like jus' one time. But ya shoulda told me."

"You woulda been furious."

"I woulda gotten over it. But you didn't, you kept sneakin' around with 'im, and you lied to me about it. For months."

"I know, I know, you hate it when I lie to you."

"I really do."

"Finn I am… so sorry. I know, and I knew every time it was makin' it worse and worse, but I jus'… loved bein' with you," she met his eyes, the pity in them made her feel worse. "I know that's a shitty excuse."

"It's not the shittiest. Last night was…" he smiled, and started to blush, and she laughed, wiping away a tear. "Is it always that good?"

"Sorry?"

"The sex. Is it always that good?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, I'd say that was about par for the course." She was blushing too, now.

"Then it's still shitty but… not the shittiest." He chuckled awkwardly, "look Becky, I don' have a timeline here. I can't tell you when this is gonna be fixed, when we're gonna be okay."

"I know."

"But we are, that I can promise you, because you mean too much to me to let anythin' take you away. Even this."

"What can I do?" She turned to face him, letting his hand brush against her leg.

"Quit lyin' to me, for one."

"Done."

"I mean it, I never wanna hear another lie from you again. I don' care if Sami's tryin' to throw me a surprise party or if ya think my haircut looks stupid. 100% honesty, that's what I need from you."

"Okay…" she took a deep breath and his eyes locked on her. "I'm in love with ya, Finn."