The same scene from chapter 20, but now from Olivia's perspective. Why is she so upset?

21.

It was a nice restaurant. She had never been there before, which was good because she would not have to worry about seeing anyone she knew there. They were both nervous and she kept thinking his reason for abandoning her must be really bad. Otherwise, why would he be so nervous? When he finally started talking, she was so tense that she had to place her hands op top of each other to keep them from shaking too much.

'After I shot Jenna, you know, back then ... I was really out of it. I'm sure you understand that part,' Elliot began. 'IAB came after me because it was my sixth shooting and it became clear pretty soon that I was not going to meet their demands. So I decided I was going to retire.'

She waited silently for him to continue, looking down at her hands.

'I wanna say that I'm sorry I did not discuss that decision with you.'

Well, that was a start. An apology. She looked up.

'You should have talked to me.' It came out almost a whisper and she felt a lump in her throat. She didn't want to seem weak but with him, it was different.

'I know. I'm sorry Liv. But there's more. There was a reason I couldn't face you.'

He took a deep breath and she braced herself for whatever was coming.

'When we first started working together, I saw you as my equal. We were a perfect match and we were both tough and dedicated to the job. Then, when we started to share more ... stuff, I began to see you as my friend too.'

She was a little relieved now. She had been more that just a partner to him. At least he acknowledged that.

'But over time I ... also started to notice you as a woman.'

She blinked a few times and swallowed hard. What was he trying to tell her? Her mind went blank.

'Go on,' she whispered.

'I was married and we were working together, so it was pretty clear that nothing was going to happen between us. I know you also felt that way. There was a clear line between us that could not be crossed.'

'And we didn't.' However difficult it had been for her to just keep standing on the side lines, she had done it. At least he had been part of her life. Her rock and her lifeline. Her one true friend in the world.

'No, we didn't. But I knew I would have wanted to, under different circumstances.'

Her heart was pounding so loud now that her ears were ringing. He had wanted her ... ! She couldn't look at him. So why the hell did he leave!

'And then the circumstances changed. I was going to retire and we would not be working together anymore. I was committed to making my marriage work and I knew I had to make a choice. The line between you and me, that had always been so clear and safe ... it was going to get blurred. And I knew that if I ever crossed it ... just once ... that I would not be able to stop myself. It would destroy both my marriage and our friendship.'

Liv was beginning to feel faint. Her head was spinning. She had wanted him too. For years. He was right about that clear line between them. Couldn't it just have stayed the way it was?

He took another deep breath and continued.

'I knew I could never be just friends with you outside the job Liv.'

Breathing had become difficult for her and she felt like she was on fire on the inside. It hurt and tears began to well in her eyes.

'So I made a choice.' he concluded.

He had indeed. And he didn't choose her. He didn't want her after all.

'You cut me out of your life.' She barely managed to speak those words while a volcano of emotion erupted inside her. Feelings of rejection, self-loathing, images of her mother screaming at her with hate in her eyes, Kathy, William Lewis, faces of victims and suspects. She was hardly aware of her surroundings anymore.

He spoke again and she tried to focus.

'I couldn't betray my vows Liv. I would have betrayed myself. I had to do this to preserve myself and my family. I had to choose between them and you because ... because I love you.'

Everything went dead inside her for a few seconds. She closed her eyes but her brain refused to process what he had just said.

'Liv?'

The sound of his voice saying her name echoed in her empty brain.

She felt him touch her arm and she flinched, pulling away from him immediately as she snapped out of her empty state. She tried to catch her breath to say something.

'And now?' she asked. 'What do you want now?'

'You Liv. I want you back in my life.'

She jumped up, kicking her chair over and she almost lost her balance. She felt sick inside and needed to get away. Now he wanted her? Now that his first choice was no longer available? She saw Elliot reaching for her and she pushed him away. She was almost panicking because of her lack of control and it angered her. She needed to get out and get out fast. Without a word, she stormed off to the ladies room, rushed into the first empty stall she saw and locked the door.

She was hyperventilating and she thought she was going to throw up. She didn't. Her mind was reeling. He didn't want her back then but he did now? What was she, his B choice? She had never had anyone in her life and he was just ging to move on to the next best thing? How was that fair? She felt degraded. Her mother had been right, she was always going to be second best, at most. She started to cry and once she did, she couldn't stop. All of her grief came pouring out and she was shaking violently. She closed the lid of the toilet because she needed to sit down. She couldn't make sense of what she was thinking and feeling. Part of her wantend to run back to Elliot and hide in his arms. But he was the one she was hiding from. So she just wanted to leave. She needed to be alone so she could think.

When she finally manager to calm down a little, she opened the stall door. She looked in the mirror and was shocked to see what she looked like. What he had caused her to look like! She washed her hands and decided she was not going to try and fix her makeup. There was no point. And he should see what he had done.

Elliot also looked shocked when he saw her face. She grabbed her purse from his hands and told him she wanted to go home.

'Liv, please ... talk to me.' he said softly.

'I need time to process what you just told me Elliot,' she said flatly, while looking past him at some point in the distance. She did not feel anything at the moment. She was completely numb.

'Let me at least drive you home.'

She nodded, still not looking at him directly.

'Have Kathleen drop Noah off when they return, okay?'

As they walked back to his car in silence she was aware of his confusion but she was too confused herself to talk right now. Everything he had said was going through her mind but not in the order he had said it. She needed time to make sense of it and was turning completely inward.

They did not speak in the car either until he pulled up at her building.

As she unbuckled her seat belt, he put his hand on her knee and she looked up at him.

'Tell me what's wrong Liv,' he pleaded, his blue eyes looking at her with sadness in them.

'Not now Elliot. I need time ...' Her voice was shaky and he finished her sentence for her.

'To process what I told you. I know.'

He paused.

'Can I call you?'

The wall she had built up around her was completely up. She looked him straight in the eye and her voice was now very clear when she said: 'No. I will call you.'

...

Do you 'get' her initial reaction? Let me know!