Authors Note: Thanks to all my reviewers! Two chapters left after this. I'm hoping to have the next chapter up within a day or two I won't promise it lol but I will try
Chapter 20 – Auld Lang Syne
Early January 1, 1875
As they walked up the long stair case Rhett tried to figure out what Scarlett's silent and serious demeanor meant. He paused outside her bedroom door unsure if he was being invited in or not. She gestured for him to follow her and once inside he lit the lamp near her vanity and moved to the light the others.
"Don't light them all, Rhett," she told him as she sat on the edge of her bed and removed her dancing slippers.
He stood by watching as she took off her jewelry and laid it on the stand before coming towards him and turning her back to him.
"Unlace me I want to change," she ordered quietly.
He said nothing as his swift fingers slid the tiny buttons of her gown from their holes and then untied the strings of her corset allowing her to take the breath she so desperately needed.
"Are you all right?" he asked still unsure of what to make of her behavior.
"I'm fine Rhett; I'll only be a moment."
Without looking at him she hurried into the dressing room. Once she had closed the door behind her she leaned against it and closed her eyes for a moment before reaching into a drawer and removing the silk nightgown he had given her. Clutching it to her chest she wondered if she could really pull of an act of seduction.
She had been skilled in the art of fluttering eyelashes of appearing dainty and helpless but she knew those things didn't appeal to Rhett. He had no use for southern belle charm. He was used to more sophisticated tactics, things she was sure she knew nothing of and she didn't know if she could compete. Laying the nightgown down she slipped out of her clothing and then grabbed the flimsy silk fabric and put it on. The feel of the cool silk felt good on her skin and she turned to look at herself in the mirror. Quickly she pulled the pins from her hair and allowed her raven locks to fall loosely. She frowned at her pale nervous face before pinching her cheeks to give them color. She took a few breaths intent on steadying her nerves before facing Rhett.
After watching Scarlett disappear into the dressing room he moved to his usual chair to wait for her. He took his jacket and shoes off figuring if she was going to make herself comfortable he may as well too. She obviously had something on her mind and he figured they were going to discuss it probably at length if she wanted to change ahead of time. He didn't mind these talks with his wife but he hated that whatever it was that was bothering her had put a damper on their evening. He wasn't clueless about her troubles he mused. He knew she was struggling with the inner turmoil that the end of her deal brought. Rhett wasn't thrilled with the idea of discussing those issues however. Some things were better left unsaid until absolutely necessary. He reached for his bow tie and had just begun to tug at it when he heard the dressing room door open. Raising his eyes he saw her framed in the doorway wearing the silk nightgown he had bought her for Christmas. The dark rose colored silk clung to her figure in all the right ways. Its lacy bodice was cut low and a slit up the side revealed one shapely leg to him as she came towards him. He was so captivated by the sight of her that he forgot how to speak as she straddled his legs seating herself on his lap.
She said nothing but reached for his tie that his fingers had slipped from upon sight of her. Meticulously she untied it and with skilled precession pulled it away from his collar and dropped it to the floor. A flame of desire flared inside of him as if she had struck a match and caught him on fire.
"What are you doing, Scarlett?" he asked his voice thick as his hand came to rest on the bared skin of her leg that the slit in her nightgown revealed to him.
She stared into his dark eyes for a moment and then leaned forward and kissed him slowly before answering.
"It's January 1st, Rhett," she whispered.
"I'm aware of that my dear but it still doesn't answer my question," he told her thinking of how oddly she had been acting that evening and how this scene was so unexpected in light of it.
A lock of his dark hair had fallen across his forehead and she raised her hand and brushed it back as she smiled sadly, "When I woke up this morning I didn't know how I'd get through this knowing the end was almost here. I tried to think of ways to make it easier. I thought of avoiding you but I knew you wouldn't allow that. I thought of picking a fight with you, as though tricking myself into being angry with you would somehow make it alright but I didn't want that Rhett. I didn't want these last hours to be filled with bitterness. If we have to part, I want it to be amicably."
He opened his mouth to speak but she quickly laid her fingers against his lips.
"The only option left was to take the time I had left and make the most of it," she continued before kissing him again.
He didn't like this…well that wasn't entirely true he liked it well enough he just found it unusual. Scarlett had never been one to initiate intimacy between them; the bedroom had been one place where she hadn't been bold at least not on her own accord. During the course of their marriage he had considered himself lucky if she initiated a kiss. There was something different about her tonight, something different in her kiss. There was something lingering in her eyes and his suspicious mind caused him to pull away from her. Taking her chin in his hand he studied her face for signs of the old conniving Scarlett. She seemed to anticipate the action as she kept her eyes locked on his allowing her to read the emotions that laid in them. When his hold loosened and his expression changed she captured his lips once more.
There had been no tricks, no signs of begging in her green eyes. What Rhett saw lying in their depths was something he hadn't expected. It became clear now why she seemed so different. Before he could finish the thought she pulled away from him slightly.
"I know I've been asking you for a lot of favors lately, Rhett; but I have one more," she said softly as her fingers trailed along his jaw line.
"What is it?" he asked emotion evident in his tone.
"Let me have these last 24 hours as your wife. I want every moment to count. I want one day of living what might have been," she replied quietly controlling the amount of emotion in her voice.
"Scarlett," he breathed.
"Don't deny me this, Rhett. I know it will only make it harder, that it will hurt me more but it's the only way. I need this; I just need you to give me one day of being your wife. I just want to be yours one last time, Rhett," she pleaded.
The desperation in her eyes tore him; the pleading of her voice was like a thousand knives through his heart. It was all spelled out for him. She was letting go. That was the look that had been shining in her eyes. Her kisses were different because they spoke of goodbye. Her request told him of her acceptance, that she was admitting defeat. The moment he had pondered had finally arrived. He suddenly felt like a ton of bricks was lying upon his chest. She was still looking at him waiting for his answer. Slowly he nodded.
She hadn't been lying when she told him she'd seduce him when he least expected it he thought to himself as he allowed her to continue taking the lead. He never thought her bold enough to go through with it when he had teased her the other night and yet here she was surprising him once again. Giving in to his own temptations he allowed his hands to roam over her body enjoying the feel of the thin silk against his fingers. She traced his features as though she were trying to memorize him.
"She acts as though she'll never see me again," he mused as she began to unbutton his shirt.
Reality hit him once more as he realized that if they divorced they would have no reason to see each other again. He'd have no excuse for coming to Atlanta once he cut ties with Scarlett. The heaviness around his heart increased and he tightened his hold on her in response. He closed his eyes and breathed in the light floral scent of her perfume. The thought of never seeing her again filtered through his mind and jarred him as her hands and lips explored the tan skin of his chest. When her mouth found his once more he kissed her with intensity. He wanted to wipe the look of defeat from her features, wanted to drown the feeling of lost hope in her kiss. He wanted to forget that he was supposed to walk away from her. He wanted to forget he ever left her to begin with.
She seemed to sense his thoughts and clung to him allowing him to take control. He stood with her in his arms and carried her to her bed. The frenzied pace of their lovemaking was reminiscent of the night of Ashley's birthday party. A sense of urgency filled the air, need for each other took over any thought of tenderness. When it was over they laid in each others arms without saying a word trying to ward off thoughts of the inevitable. Eventually she gave in and let sleep claim her. Rhett laid awake the rest of the night holding her to him trying to make sense of the jumbled thoughts in his head.
Hadn't this been what he wanted? Hadn't he wanted her to let him go so he could be free? Wasn't he supposed to feel relief knowing that she was really going to let him walk away? He pondered those questions as his gaze lingered on the sight of day breaking outside her bedroom window.
Rhett didn't feel relieved. The weight he felt pressing down on him before he took her to bed hadn't eased. He felt like an iron fist had griped his heart and was squeezing it painfully. Could he really go the rest of his life without her being apart of his world?
The night of the Christmas ball when he had kissed her under the mistletoe he felt like he had finally started to live again. Now lying next to her knowing she really intended to sign the papers he felt his stomach turn.
He hadn't felt this way the night he left her. He had walked away from her declarations of love and her tears without the slightest care. Over the course of the fourteen months he spent away from her his thoughts concerning her had consisted of only guilt and regret. He had managed to shove his love for her into some hidden place deep inside where he had intended for it to remain locked for good, but Scarlett held the key to that lock and within hours of seeing her again for the first time he heard it click open and the feeling began to seep out saturating him once more.
He should've never come back he thought. The miles between them had kept him from feeling too much. He should've stayed out of her bed. He shouldn't have asked that they be friends. Being friendly came at a price and they were both paying it now. He loved her, maybe more now than he ever had. Running a hand over his face he sighed bitterly. Maybe it was too late for love to matter. She seemed to have her mind set and besides who was to say that it would work between them now. Maybe there was too much bad blood between them for it too last. He wasn't sure what to think of the mess they had made.
Rhett had promised her one day of the life they should've had together and he wasn't going to deny her that. It was only going too hurt her more in the end and he couldn't understand why she'd want it that way but he'd do it if that's what she asked. It was going to hurt him too he admitted. Spending a day in wedded bliss with the knowledge that it could all end the next morning was a hard concept to grasp. There wasn't time to think of that now however. He'd think about it tomorrow when he had no choice but to make a decision. He just prayed that he'd make the right one for all their sakes.
In the hazy state between sleep and consciousness, Scarlett thought she was back in New Orleans during her honeymoon as the blanket was pulled off her and her feet tickled. Jerking her feet away she opened her eyes and blinked in the sunlight that was pouring through the curtains of her bedroom.
"What are you doing, Rhett?" she asked sleepily as she sat up and then hurriedly looked down at herself remembering the state of undress she had been in when she fell asleep. Surprise flicked across her face as she found herself clad in her silk nightgown.
Rhett smirked, "It's amazing what you sleep through, my pet."
"Is there a reason why you're tormenting me this early in the morning?" she asked reaching for the blanket and pulling it back over her.
"I'm serving you your breakfast," he answered as he sat the tray across her lap.
It dawned on her then that he was honoring her request of one last day as his wife. She suddenly felt somewhat awkward regarding the night they had shared. She knew she had appeared desperate and she could hardly look him in the eye upon remembering it.
"It's alright, Scarlett," he told her as if she had spoken her thoughts aloud.
"That's what you keep telling me," she answered as she spread jam on her bread.
"If you'd believe me I wouldn't have to tell you so often, my dear."
"Now why would I want to believe you, Rhett Butler?" she teased
"To keep things interesting," he answered with a laugh.
"I think things stay interesting enough between us on their own."
"That's true. Sometimes they get too interesting," he added.
She smiled, "We've had some good times though haven't we?" she stated with a hint of asking in her voice.
He squeezed her hand, "Yes, Scarlett, we have had our share of good times."
"Are Wade and Ella home yet?" she asked afraid he would bring up the number of bad times they had between them.
"They should be here shortly," he answered.
She nodded, "Rhett."
"What is it?"
"Give them a lot of attention today would you?" she said quietly.
"You know I will," he answered.
The clouds were gathering in her eyes again and he felt helpless to stop them.
The day seemed to pass quickly. Rhett lavished her with attention and affection as well as the children when they had returned home. Scarlett was grateful for their happy chatter telling of the good times they had the night before. In the late afternoon she and Rhett took a walk through the neighborhood. They didn't say much she noticed but it didn't seem to matter. Being with him was enough. When the restaurants opened for the evening he took them all out to dinner again making the outing as joyful as the one the day before.
Scarlett appreciated the effort he made to make her happy that day but no matter how much she enjoyed his attention and affection she couldn't overcome the feeling of her heart breaking. She was trying to hide it, trying to keep it from her expression but she could tell he knew. She could see that it wasn't easy for him either and when she smiled sadly at him from across the table they seemed to silently agree that the day hadn't the feeling they had desired.
When she retired to her room for the evening he followed her without hesitation. She changed into her nightgown and found him in his usual chair deep in thought as his cigar burned. This whole day had the feeling of goodbye despite their attempts to make it otherwise. She stood at the window and lost herself in memories of the past that she usually held at bay. Her mind took her back to the night of the bazaar when Rhett had bid to dance with her. How she loved dancing with Rhett. No one was a better partner on the dance floor than he was. There had always been something magical about twirling around the floor in his arms. She suddenly wished they had gone dancing that night; perhaps then things wouldn't look so gloomy.
Scarlett felt his arms wrap around her from behind and his lips brushing across her shoulder.
"What are you thinking about? He asked quietly.
"I was thinking about dancing with you," she answered.
"What brought that to mind, my pet?"
"I was thinking of the night at the bazaar and how we danced. I've always loved dancing with you," she whispered.
"Have you?"
"Yes I wish we had gone dancing tonight."
"We don't have to go out to dance," he replied. "We can dance right here."
"Here?" she questioned
He laughed lightly, "Yes; you don't need a ballroom to dance, Scarlett."
"But there's no music," she replied.
"You can hum or sing, whichever you prefer," he answered smugly.
She laughed, "Don't you think we'd look silly waltzing around a bedroom while I hum?"
"We're not going to waltz," he replied
She looked at him as if he were crazy, "Then how are we going to dance?"
"Scarlett, there are many ways to dance and the only thing that matters about any certain type is just allowing yourself to move to the music."
"I don't understand what you're talking about."
He stepped away from her and stood in the center of the room "Come here," he whispered.
She followed him obediently curious about what he had in mind. She came to a stop in front of him and waited. He took her hand and laid it on his shoulder and then wrapped an arm around her waist pulling her close. He then took her free hand and enclosed it in his own.
"Start the band," he joked amusement sparkling in his eyes.
"This is silly, Rhett," she responded.
"Just try it; all you have to do is follow my lead like always."
She nodded reluctantly and began to move with him.
"I've never danced this way before," she whispered gazing up at his face admiring his handsome features.
"Do you like it?" he inquired softly.
"Yes," she answered enjoying the close proximity she shared with him.
"Are you going to provide us with a tune?" he prodded.
Without thought she began to hum, 'When This Cruel War Is Over'.
"A sentimental choice, my dear," he whispered in her ear.
As they danced she wasn't sure if time was moving quickly or slowly and she didn't care, she wished only that it could be frozen for awhile to keep the date from changing. She hummed or sang when a song came to mind and when she was at a loss for a tune they moved in silence. Their shadows moved along the walls and she felt as though she could stay in that moment forever. Moving in sync with him so slowly and being held so close by him felt so right and so good. It didn't escape her notice that the longer they danced the closer they got to one another until finally he had her snug against him and they were barely moving. She wondered briefly if he could hear her heart beating wildly as his hands began to caress her. It took effort but she managed to finish singing the last notes of a love song. Their eyes were locked on each other and it felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. She knew he was going to kiss her and he she wanted him too so badly. Before he could make his move the clock downstairs struck midnight.
She squeezed her eyes shut as the chimes echoed throughout the house. Silently she begged god to make it stop to just give her one hour more. She wasn't ready for this to end; she wasn't ready to face it.
"Open your eyes, Scarlett," his voice whispered.
When she complied he could see the glimmer of tears in them.
"Think about it tomorrow," he told her his voice betraying the ache in his own heart.
"It is tomorrow," she answered.
Rhett shook his head, "No it isn't. It doesn't become tomorrow until we've gone to sleep and wake up hours later and believe me my dear I have no intentions of going to sleep right now."
"You don't?" she asked her voice a thin whisper.
"No," he answered lowering his face and capturing her lips in a passionate kiss.
It was going to be different tonight she thought to herself as he kissed her. There wasn't going to be the intensity, the mad desire. She could feel the difference in his touch and his kiss. Tonight wasn't about need or about distractions it was about love, tenderness and…goodbye?