Chapter 21

Elizabeth had always considered herself a rather sensible young woman. She knew she would never be lauded as the most beautiful Bennet sister, nor that she would ever be a truly gifted performer at the pianoforte either. For the majority of her life, she had been objective enough to be able to accept what she could not change about herself, willing to look towards happier musings, instead of dwelling on trite moroseness. It had been extremely flattering to her that this type of good sense had earned the approbation of her father as well as most of the denizens of the neighborhood surrounding Meryton.

Falling in love had changed her, though, and now it seemed that before she did anything she thought of him, of how he would react, if she could ever be worthy of him. She wished so much to be more, better somehow, in ways she had never contemplated before!

After the death of his aunt, she had thought that he would be unable forgive her once he understood all the specifics of that tragic event. Certainly he would turn away from her, calling out for her immediate punishment. But he had not. He had told her he loved her. He had treated her so generously when he came upon her in London. He had requested the right to visit her at the Gardiners' home.

At first, the realization she had possibly judged him wrongly had been doubted. She had not been often wrong in her two and twenty years. To be so in error was humiliating! Such insights she found surprisingly easy to accept, albeit a bit warily; it seemed she was often wrong where Mr. Darcy was concerned. She had been wrong a year ago about the accusations she had made against him when he had proposed, and now she had been wrong about his reaction to the truth about his aunt's last moments. If only she had listened to Jane!

Along with this rationality came equally acute embarrassment— how was she to face him again? She had been so cruel to him, so callous. How could he continue to care for her so in the face of such cruelty? That he was still attending to her was, well, it was unfathomable! She did not understand it.

She could feel this to be her last chance to do what she must; it would slip through her fingers in a moment if she was not careful. She must speak to him. She must apologize for all of the grief and misunderstandings she had caused; throw herself on his mercy. It was brazen of her, but she could not allow him to continue in ignorance. She did not deserve any of this good fortune, but she would utilize it, nonetheless. And today was the day he was to call!

In such a young household, Mrs. Gardiner did not typically have her morning calls begin before 12 o'clock as that was after the children had been roused from their play in nursery long enough to have a light nuncheon with their parents before being confined to their school room for their lessons. It had not occurred to Elizabeth to inform Mr. Darcy of this as he seemed a man diverse enough to attend to his morning visits much closer to the dinner hour than the reverse. She had been negligent, she discovered, when he arrived at 11 o'clock exactly by the sitting room clock.

"Mr. Darcy!" She rose to her feet, having no time at all to secrete the large pile of mending in her lap behind a suitable cushion. She had just taken up the task, hoping it would give her time to reorder her thoughts before he appeared.

"Miss Bennet," he bowed low, "I see you are being industrious today."

She looked at him sharply. Surely most of the women of his acquaintance did not have to attend to such matters as darning their young nephews' rent stockings! But there was nothing of contempt in his face. In fact, there was a deep appreciation in his eyes that made her quickly drop her own to her slippered feet.

Mrs. Gardiner, having already been informed of his arrival, entered just at this moment. Being not so far removed from the time when she herself was being courted, she had stalled, thinking that the couple in the sitting room would appreciate a moment or two alone before the appearance of their chaperone.

Elizabeth was unfortunately of a different mind than this and wished to sigh in relief at her aunt's timely presence. With Mr. Darcy still scrutinizing her carefully she could do little more than smile brightly, "Aunt Gardiner! You remember Mr. Darcy?"

Mrs. Gardiner spared one short bemused glance at her niece before greeting her guest. "It is a pleasure to see you again, Mr. Darcy." She moved to Elizabeth's side, and together the ladies sat on the sofa, leaving Mr. Darcy to a nearby obliging chair which he immediately made use of.

"I understand from my nieces that you have been in London for only a few days, Mr. Darcy," Mrs. Gardiner said.

"Yes, my sister and I returned here after Mr. Bingley's wedding."

She looked once more at her niece, but Elizabeth seemed determined to remain mute. "And do you plan on staying once the season begins?"

Mr. Darcy nodded. "Though my sister is still not out, I feel she would benefit from some additional exposure to polite society before she is to make her curtsy."

"An admirable idea, Mr. Darcy," Mrs. Gardiner praised him politely. "Miss Darcy is a worthy young woman; she does you credit."

"Thank you."

"We had hoped to see Miss Darcy today. I do hope that nothing is remiss?"

Mr. Darcy, though talking to Mrs. Gardiner, was entirely focused on Elizabeth, also wondering why she was not speaking. "No, my sister is well; she hopes especially to call on the Miss Bennets tomorrow. She was rather unluckily employed with her music master this morning." He did not say that he had purposely scheduled his visit particularly for a day when his sister would be heavily engaged. He had wanted Elizabeth to himself. Georgiana understandably had not been happy about missing the visit. She had been checking the mail daily, hoping for a note from Elizabeth, and now being made aware that her friend was in town, was desperate to see her. Darcy had convinced her to put off her own visit until the morrow, but only just. It would not do to offend her music master, he had reminded her, and Georgiana had capitulated, although with much regret.

"My sister and I look forward to her visit," Elizabeth finally added her own voice to the conversation.

Darcy gladdened, spoke to her immediately, "When I came upon you yesterday at Hatchards, you were buying books for your father. Did you manage to find something for yourself as well?"

"I would be a poor example of an avid reader if I had not taken the time to find something for myself. I purchased a selection of poetry," she admitted.

"Blake?"

"Wordsworth, I'm afraid."

Mrs. Gardiner extracted her own pile of linen from the work basket at her elbow and began to work at mending the hem of a dress, allowing Darcy and Elizabeth to continue their tentatively begun conversation. The discussion quickly became animated as they argued the relative merits of their favorite poets, and what each considered to be their greatest works.

After some time, inspired by Cowper's poem On the Green Margin, the topic had changed to musings from their respective childhoods. Mr. Darcy had just alluded to a supposition he had made as a child in reference to that particular work.

"Were you really convinced?" Elizabeth asked.

"Yes. I was certain as a boy that he had visited Pemberley, and that one of its particular streams had inspired him to pen those words."

"Not the trout stream off of the back path, surely?"

Darcy was flattered that she remembered his estate so well, "No, there is another stream, in a distant corner of the estate, near an unused hermitage."

"There is a hermitage at Pemberley?" Elizabeth asked eagerly. There were no such things in Meryton, though there had been rumors that Netherfield had once boasted of a hermitage and even a hermit in residence some years before.

"A whim of my grandmother's," Darcy admitted slightly abashed. "I thought, as only a young child could, that perhaps Cowper had secreted himself inside so that he would not be discovered by any of Pemberley's servants."

"Oh, how romantic!" said Kitty who had recently joined the party, although Darcy and Elizabeth scarcely noticed her presence.

Mrs. Gardiner cast a surreptitious glance at the clock. Mr. Darcy had been there long past the reasonable half an hour morning visit; it would be impolite not to offer him some form of refreshment. "Kitty, would you be so kind as to ring for some tea?"

"Of course." Kitty left Darcy and Elizabeth to themselves, a smile forming on her face as she turned away. Her sister seemed happier than she had in months.

The tea arrived promptly, and Mrs. Gardiner asked Elizabeth to pour. Elizabeth blushed as she prepared the requested cup for Mr. Darcy, "One sugar, two creams."

The light touch of his hand as she passed him his cup nearly caused her to fumble. "Is there anything else I can offer you, Mr. Darcy?"

"Only your heart," he mumbled lowly. He was rewarded with a pleased little smile before she turned away, he noted, on slightly shaking feet.

Kitty moved to the window seat, perching her tea and cake precariously on her lap, "Oh, Aunt, it looks like it is a lovely day."

"Perhaps, if you could convince Lizzy, you might take a turn in our nearby park," Mrs. Gardiner teased.

"Oh, Aunt, you need never suppose that I would turn down such a scheme." Elizabeth laughed good-naturedly at her own inclinations.

"Mrs. Gardiner," said Darcy, "I would be happy to be of service as an escort to your two nieces."

"That is very kind of you, Mr. Darcy," Elizabeth demurred, "but certainly you have some other more important tasks to accomplish this morning?" She would not want him to neglect his duties on her account. She had been unkind to him as of late; she did not wish to be even more beholden to his generosity when she so little deserved it. She wished that Mr. Darcy did not discombobulate her so!

Mr. Darcy smiled at her mischievously, probably guessing at her thoughts, horrid man! "Indeed, I can think of nothing that cannot wait a day or two."

He rose to his feet, offering his arm to Elizabeth. "If you would be so kind as to allow me to escort you, Miss Elizabeth?" She smiled at him and accepted.

After gathering the necessary bonnets and even a parasol or two to shade the ladies' skin from the strong sun, Elizabeth and Kitty were just beginning to set out with their escort for the park when Edward, the oldest Gardiner boy, learned of his cousins' plan and begged to be included.

"Not today, Edward," Elizabeth informed him. She looked at the grim face of his nanny standing at the top of the stairs waiting for her charge to be returned. "And If I am not mistaken, you are to be at your lessons."

"But I want to go to the park!" Edward insisted petulantly.

"Young man," Elizabeth said firmly, "with your current attitude you would certainly scare the ducks away."

"I will be good, cousin Lizzy, I promise." Edward's eyes had turned big and pleading.

"I'm certain you will, Edward." Elizabeth turned the boy back towards the stairs, "tomorrow, after church, and only after, if you finish your lessons today! Now off you go."

Mr. Darcy smiled inwardly; he had always known that she would make an ideal mother, intelligent and witty enough to raise her children properly and lovingly. He only hoped that her children would be his as well!

"I apologize for Edward's exuberance, Mr. Darcy." Elizabeth tried to explain as they finally escaped the Gardiner's townhome, "He is young and I'm afraid has inherited my love of the outdoors."

Mr. Darcy smiled down on her and shook his head, "Tis the nature of boys, Miss Bennet. I remember my own tutor disparaging of me. I always preferred to be outdoors rather than enduring my lessons."

Kitty turned towards him, shocked, "But I thought you were a great scholar, Mr. Darcy?" That he had neglected his studies seemed inconceivable to Kitty.

"We all must start somewhere, Miss Kitty," Mr. Darcy informed her.

The park was quickly reached as it was not far distant from the Gardiners' home. It was on a small scale, no larger than a few city blocks square, and Elizabeth, when walking there, found it necessary to traverse the circumference of it several times before the distance equaled her morning's exercise in Meryton.

At its center was a small duck pond where the local nannies liked to take their charges when the weather was agreeable. The fineness of the day found several such ladies gossiping together while the children fed the ducks small scraps of bread. The ducks had just returned from further south, and this was the reason that Edward wished to be in the park. Though he was still young, he already exuded a particular interest in the natural world and its inhabitants. His parents, due to this enthusiasm, had begun contemplating the necessary tutors he would eventually need to guide his studies in a useful manner. All of this Elizabeth told Darcy as they strolled around the pond, Kitty walking slightly ahead, giving them what privacy she could.

"He will not take over for his father?" As the oldest son, Mr. Darcy had expected that Edward would inherit the responsibilities of Mr. Gardiner's business.

"No." Elizabeth shook his head, "But luckily for my aunt and uncle, their other son, Henry, displays an aptitude for learning mathematics and business. He already begs his father to spend most of the daylight hours at the warehouses." Elizabeth blushed as she realized who she was speaking to. That he would connect himself with such a family so entrenched in trade?

If Mr. Darcy noticed her distraction, he did not mention it, instead he offered, "That is rather revolutionary thinking."

"Yes. My aunt and uncle would not have their children unhappy in their professions," Elizabeth admitted quietly.

"And your own children? Would you act the same?" Darcy prodded calmly.

Elizabeth turned beet red, "I hardly know, sir." She fiddled with the parasol over her head twirling it back and forth with her fingers. "I have not considered it, I suppose."

"Don't you wish for children?"

His impertinence was not as alarming to her as she had expected it to be, though having been raised as a proper gentlewoman, perhaps it should have been! "Of course. Many women do, do they not?" She tried to subtly guide the conversation away, "Do you often walk in London, Mr. Darcy?"

"I do. And Georgiana and I walk in the square across from our home in the mornings before breakfast when the weather is fine."

"And is there a duck pond, much like this one?"

"No, I'm afraid not. You are fortunate in your surroundings."

There was much warmness to his words and Elizabeth felt unworthy of such a liberal spirit. She knew that she must speak; he must know of it all. "Mr. Darcy, you are very generous to my sister and me. I have not yet had the chance to thank you for the use of your carriage yesterday."

He looked at her, his brows creased together in confusion. "I was happy to do it, I assure you."

"But, sir! I have been so…so horrid to you! Surely I did not deserve such attentions," she finished quietly.

"There is little you do not deserve, Elizabeth."

Elizabeth turned her face away, reveling in the way her own name sounded on his lips. She had feared that she would never hear such gallantry from him again.

"Lizzy?" Kitty joined them suddenly. "I am getting a bit tired; do you mind if I rest on this bench for a bit?"

"Not at all, Kitty. Would you like us to stay with you?" Elizabeth asked rather reluctantly. She hoped not, for she had yet to tender the apology that she knew Mr. Darcy deserved.

"Oh, no! I am certain I will be fine. Watching the children has been amusing me." She pointed to where there was still a small group of youngsters squealing in delight as the ducks surrounded them, eagerly begging for more bread scraps.

"Then we will circle the park once and return for you," Elizabeth promised.

"Miss Bennet," Darcy said once they were a distance away, "I am afraid I made you uncomfortable a moment ago. For that I apologize. I will not apologize for my feelings, however," his voice was firm. He would not be moved in this belief.

"You speak of feelings, Mr. Darcy," Elizabeth spoke quickly. "Though I might regret it in a moment, I must tell you some of my own."

This was not a conversation that Darcy wished to have in such a public place as he was markedly worried that she was about to turn him away again. He could not bear to face such dejection in view of so many.

He looked around him. A distance away was an aged oak, its trunk substantially sized enough to hide both of them that they might have a private interview. Though he was not certain he desired it, there was naught he could do but allow her to say whatever she wished. "Miss Bennet, would you walk with me in the direction of that tree?"

Elizabeth took his arm, very conscious that her moment had come. If only he would not turn her away!

Once the tree was reached, Mr. Darcy leaned against it, trying to remain calm though his heart was beating rather rapidly in his chest.

Elizabeth folded her parasol closed, poking the tip into the dirt near her feet. "When we first met in Meryton, I was so certain that I was right in my opinion of you."

Mr. Darcy looked away, chagrined, as he remembered his own actions at the beginning of their acquaintance.

She could see what he must be feeling. "But I was wrong," she reassured him. "About so many things! Your aunt," she admitted very softly, "I do not yet feel that I was not culpable, but…"

"You were not!" He had turned back to her immediately, his eyes burning with such intensity as he pled with her to believe him.

"It seems I have my own pride to overcome in that respect," she admitted with a small smile. "For I know it will take time to believe that as you do. It is something I am endeavoring to conquer, however." She waved her hand temporarily dismissing her misgivings. "But that is not what I wish to say." She pursed her lips. "Mr. Darcy, I wish to apologize. I have been unjustly unfair to you. You have proved yourself the better person, in spite of my doubts, in spite of my lies."

He looked at her sharply. Of what had she lied?

"You see," she admitted, her voice breaking, "I did not know how you would react to the news of your aunt's death, and I foolishly suspected the worse. But in my vanity I could not tell you the truth at first for fear of that very reaction I was certain I deserved. I tried to turn you away, most cruelly, instead. It was very wrong of me to deliberately mislead you so."

She took a deep breath. "I did…I do…I have found myself caring for you in a way that has been unknown to me before. I would desire your good opinion in everything. I…I… love you, Mr. Darcy." She smiled up at him through the tears in her eyes. "I must say it at least once, for I would regret it eternally if I did not. You are a man worthy of such words. Whether they should be from me? I know not." She hung her head. "I am heartily ashamed of my actions. If you would never wish to see me again, please do not feel that I would ever blame you or think wrongly of you. You have been more than generous."

He looked away, overcome. He had always dreamed of hearing her say that she loved him. It had been wonderful, so much better than even his imaginings had conjured up!

It seemed too long for Elizabeth as she waited for him to speak; half hope, half agony warred within her breast, wondering what he would say! If only he would speak. If it was to dismiss her, at least let it be done quickly!

Finally his lips parted and his voice, so dear to her, rent the silence cleanly, "If I had a wish, it would be that you would allow me to continue courting you."

"Mr. Darcy, I…" The tears in her eyes slipped down her cheeks but she little heeded them. She did not deserve such happiness. It was all too much. Nevertheless, her heart beat its answer in a fast cadence in her chest. She knew what she would do, what she must do. "I would be honored to accept."

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