21. Sanity
"I know that I will sin again," Hollywood Undead, Just Let Me Die
She's not here.
Inuyasha's chest tightened. He was in the future. Inuyasha burst out of the well.
It was late. The future was still loud. Even if it was dark. It was always too loud. He could hear all the cars moving and people talking. It was less noise than the day, but it was still loud for him. He was grateful that Kagome's family shrine was quiet. Inuyasha had waited till it was dark since he wanted no one to see him. Kagome wasn't here. She had been gone for weeks. He had no idea where she was. He kept coming here anyway. Just in case that she returned. He kept going from the past to the future.
Quietly, He snuck into her window, sat on the floor of her bedroom and lowered his head. He felt like he was going crazy.
Where could she be?
He had thrown himself into the well over a hundred times. Today, Sango had even fought with him just to make him stop. She had been so angry at him. Sometimes he wondered if Sango was a half-demon too. She was too strong for a human. Sango wanted him to wait for Miroku and Lady Kaeda to fix the well. He had promised to stop, then had waited until she slept.
Inuyasha's hands shook.
It was all his fault. He had failed Kagome. He had not protected her. Now she was lost. Miroku was working on a spell with Kaeda to break the enchantment on the spell.
He was distraught.
Inuyasha missed Kagome so much.
He loved her. She was supposed to be only a friend or a traveling companion. He never wanted to love her. She was from another time and place. It was not meant to be. Yet, his stupid heart had loved her the minute that their eyes had met.
Kagome said that she would stay by his side, but she would not keep that promise. Eventually she would get tired of the feudal era. She would miss her family and friends. She would miss her life here. He could never compete with the future. He was a poor half-demon that only owned the clothes on his back and Tetatsaiga. He had nothing to offer her except his protection. Now he even failed in that.
She would hate him. It was only right. He had failed. It twisted his heart with remorse.
He failed the woman that he loved.
Inuyasha loved Kagome so much.
Loved her so much that it scared him. He had not loved Kikiyo like that. He loved Kikiyo, but he was in love with Kagome. Kikiyo always asks him to go to hell with her, but if it was Kagome she would never have to ask.
He couldn't live without Kagome.
It was not possible for him.
Kagome was too much a part of him. If she died than he died too. That it why he never thought twice about risking his life for her. If someone had to die than let it be him.
Not her.
Never
He would fight anyone and risk everything for her safety. She was his salvation. The first time that he had found somewhere to belong. Inuyasha had spent his whole life wandering. Always alone.
Kagome had changed that. She had changed everything. She was home. Without her there was nothing left for him.
But Inuyasha was too afraid to ruin it all by telling her.
He had tried his best to keep Kagome from finding out how he felt. He didn't want to ever make her choose between him and her family.
The only way to keep her was as a friend. It would keep things the same, so he wouldn't lose her. Inuyasha couldn't bear to lose Kagome. She meant everything to him. The idea of fighting Naraku was nothing compared to confessing to Kagome. If she rejected him then it would destroy him.
He would rather keep everything inside.
He knew that Kagome loved him. That is what made it worst. She loved him. Kagome was not good at hiding her feelings. He knew.
But they were from two different eras. Kagome might love him, but she loved her family too. She could never tell her mother goodbye. Besides Inuyasha would never ask her too. He lost his mother and wished he could have her back. How could he ask Kagome to do that for him?
It was crazy for him to love her the way that he did. He thought about her all day and could never stand it whenever she went back home. It made him crazy with jealousy when Kouga touched her. He lost his reason when it came to Kagome.
It wasn't normal this love that he had. It was an obsession. Kagome was his greatest strength and his greatest weakness.
He only wanted to go to hell after the final battle since he he knew that Kagome would leave. The only reason that she came to the past was because of the jewel, once it was over, he would never see her again. Then once Kagome left than Inuyasha was done. He couldn't go on. His life had been too hard and too lonely. He had enough of it.
Kagome was heaven. How can you leave heaven then go back to hell? Inuyasha was strong, but he was not that strong. He couldn't do it again.
He would let Kikiyo take his life, because he would have no reason to live anymore.
The idea of never seeing Kagome again...
No, he couldn't do it. He would go insane. Lose himself to his demonic blood. It was better for everyone if he died instead of losing his mind and hurting innocent people.
Inuyasha couldn't talk to Kagome about this. He didn't want her to stay with him out of guilt. He hated how Kikiyo always tried to make him feel guilty. He would never do that to anyone.
Even now Inuyasha could feel the grips of his sanity were loosening. He needed her. He couldn't even go this long without her. He needed Kagome. He needed her like air and water.
She was so good. Like an angel with no darkness in her heart. She always tried to do the right thing. She wished everyone to be happy. She wanted to help the weak and poor. Kagome was a true priestess. The ones that used to walk the earth before. A priestess that used her holy powers to save the ones in need. She was a leader and he followed her. They all followed her. Her conviction and light was too strong. Inuyasha was her servant, her guardian. It was his duty to protect her in her mission.
Inuyasha never followed anyone, but he followed her. He never admitted it out loud Miroku did once. It was when he first joined them. Inuyasha had confronted him. He wanted Miroku gone if he had intentions like the wolf. He didn't want any lecher around Kagome.
Instead, Miroku looked him right in the eye and said that was not why he had joined them. If he only wanted a woman than there were plenty. Lady Kagome was a leader. He said that he had never met anyone like her. She had a mission and a focus. She was so pure that Miroku couldn't turn away. She was a priestess unlike any other. Miroku was a priest but was nowhere near that level of purity. Miroku was as corrupted as many other the priesthood. It was why he left them long ago. He refused to work with them. They were as greedy as Naraku, except looking for political powers. Lady Kagome gave him hope that there was still good in this world. She was the living embodiment of justice. The way that a priestess should be. Miroku would follow her anywhere. He would lay down his life for Lady Kagome. He swore that if Inuyasha ever tried to hurt Kagome that he would not hesitate to purify Inuyasha or use his wind tunnel to protect Kagome.
His blue eyes didn't even flinch as he stared Inuyasha down that day. He had even slightly released his spiritual energy to back up his threat.
That was why since Kagome had been missing that Miroku had not slept. Miroku was spending all his time trying to break the spell.
But Inuyasha was tired of waiting. If only he hadn't killed that witch then he would have dragged her to the well to make her undo the spell. He just hadn't realized what she had done to the well until it was too late.
It was his fault that Kagome was lost. His mistake.
Enough. Inhaling her sweet scent in order to calm his raging emotions.
He would find where ever that Kagome was and bring her back. Why was the well not letting him go to where she is. All this wasted time. What if Kagome was hurt by now? He had to find her. There had to be a way. Kagome attracted trouble and allied like flies. Although she was a survivor when she wanted to be. She probably already found new friends to protect her. Kagome was never alone. But he was not letting anyone keep her. He was bring her back.
He bowed his head towards her empty bed, "Kagome, I will find you. Wait for me. I swear it." he whispered.
Inuyasha returned to the past then had ran the whole night through the forest without resting. He was hunting. It took him hours until he found who he was looking for.
"Lord Inuyasha? What are you doing here?" Myoga, the flea asked in disbelief.