Log Entry 43. Day 90

What I had was obsession. There is no other way around it. I genuinely believed that Idun would be the best way to save as many lives as I could. It would have changed the world, it might still do one day, but I won't be me who finds a way how. It's time I accepted that. Now though, I have to change.

If I could change one thing about my life, I wouldn't have ratted out Moira to the police about Reaper. If I'd known what sort of monster I would be creating I'd have slit his throat and forced Moira to stick to the right path. I ended many lives that night and I think it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I ended Moira's life and seven years later I ended Reaper's life. The funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've felt something like this. The loss, the hopelessness, I've felt before, but nothing like the days following what happened on the Matterhorn, I have to thank everyone back on the base for supporting me.

Speaking of support I remember a talk I had with my Uncle. We were touring around Europe to celebrate me getting into Zurich University. I was disappointed however, I applied for Oxford but a panic attack made it so I dropped a grade, I was lucky to get into Zurich having only just passed the minimum grade. I was so desperate to get into the best possible place, so damn determined that I let my emotions get the best of me and at the worst possible time. My uncle knew this. We were on the train out of Poland, from Oświęcim into Austria, the final country.

"Is it so important for you to do something massive?" he asked. "Must you try and achieve so much?"

"Yes" I replied. He taught me English, and I figured we would be less likely to be eavesdropped. "If i don't try my hardest then I won't be able to get anything done"

"But you did try your hardest, and you suffered for it. Can't you just try to chill out a little bit?"

"...Maybe."

"What's the point of worrying about things you can't change"

"It's not worry, it's determination."

"Some would call it obsession"

I did the typical teenager thing, I pretended not to hear and brooded for a little bit. After a while I nestled up against his arm just to show there were no hard feelings. This was back before Idun, when I still had to look up at him.

"Look Angela, I don't know what my sister in law put in you" He said later. "But this is unhealthy, not motivating. She was too hard with you, demanded too much"

That annoyed me, implying that my ambition came from my parents made it seem like I was just acting selfishly. Despite what people say Ambition is not bad, it's simply just another driving force. He was right though. He and my aunt were good to me, much better then my own mother was. I no longer had to be afraid in my own home of getting a bruise for a bad grade, my Uncle and Aunt never made me feel useless or pointless, but I did do that too myself. I wish I was born to them, people won't like hearing this, but they were more parents then my biological parents ever were. I used to pretend they were. But I can't blame my obsession on them. What I did to myself was a long time coming. I need to learn to stop being so obsessive.

At this time in Europe things were sliding, alongside the rest of the world. In times of uncertainty following the emergence of sentient omnics, people started looking for leadership, and found it in bullying strongmen who stated; with all evidence to the contrary, that they could save the country from the peril of a few frightened minority groups. Restrictions in the Media, marriage, changes in the judicial system and police tactics as well as open hostility to countries that had once been allies and horrific inequality became common before I was 19. It wasn't just Omnics, Muslims and the LGBT community were also targeted just as brutally. I was worried that someone might jump me for being openly bi for a long time.

All this made it so when I started University I really didn't have much hope for things to get better. I was pretty lost without goal or purpose, and I would work nearly every night to ensure that I didn't fail again, which ensured my bachelors degree at least. And that I had very few friends. For a little while I planned on becoming the head of a hospital and that helped for a little while. But then I met Moira, and suddenly that old goal became like a candle next to the sun. The Idun project. Something big enough to change the world. My chance to make a impact. I couldn't stop the militant turn everything has been taking, so I focused on what I could do. Idun would have been my masterpiece, science and technology would be my tools to changing the world.

Well, things have changed.

I no longer have Idun. Truth is I lost Idun on the night of that fire, it just took the shock necessary to realise that. So I have to focus on what I can do, which means I'm coming back to those beautiful Golden Wings. I'll do what I can. It took me long enough to decide that, no more tears. Now I plan to act. If I can do things with moderation maybe I'll be able to do good things without fucking myself over so badly like Moira did to herself. In seven years I would have been her.

I feel hollow at the moment, but it's been a learning experience. First stage of solving a problem is realising it.

Training begins again tomorrow, if the mental assessment is good enough. I hope I can catch up.

I'll get over it, in the end.