So much is said about the first kiss, yet so little said about the last.
I remember it, Jesus, do I remember it… That kiss that happened on the plane barely minutes before I by all technical means, died. That kiss on the plane before we landed was so different to other kisses in the past, it wasn't hungry, I didn't need it for some selfish reason, it wasn't heated passion nor anger that brought it on; no for the first time in a long time, it was love. That kiss was the moment I realized that Adrienne Norella Middleton was my life, I had to marry her, and if it wasn't for the twenty one French lunatics that started shooting at us I would have asked her then and there.
Hell I didn't even care about her hooking up with that Marine anymore how could I? She was hurt, angry and if nothing else; lonely. I sure hadn't helped the case being so evasive with her, I was infuriating myself; she didn't owe me anything. But alas if anything that made me want her hand in marriage all the more, she would never feel lonely, I would never let anything hurt her. After the Marine saved us, well Adrienne at least, I couldn't be mad at him either, he's only done right by Adi; He made her feel less lonely, he made her feel safe, he took care of her when I was supposed to be dead and as far as I can tell he hadn't made a pass on Adrienne again.
But that last kiss before that bullet passed through my back, it was all I could think about as I looked into Adrienne's terrified eyes. I wanted to assure her I was content with dying knowing, from that kiss alone, that she felt the same way for me. Sure I would have been more content with having time with her, a lot more time with her; I hadn't thought the rest of my life with her would be a few pathetic minutes. Some saving Grace out there has given me a second chance though, from either sheer luck or a bloody miracle I can see my Adrienne again, and hopefully for a much longer time. Yet even with that luck, everything I had vowed while I searched the whole of Paris for her, became redundant when I got the news from Mike, I couldn't tell her in the middle of the seven eleven that her mother had passed away. As soon as I told her 'Not now' the hurt in her eyes tore at me; I swore I would never do this to her. Somehow though, through something in my face or voice she understood I had my reasons.
Now here we are in Trè and Mike's Parisian apartment, Adrienne is in bed, hopefully sleeping; she really needs it. Inside the guys are playing poker and I have stepped outside for a cigarette, I need its cool intoxicating burn to steel my nerves. There are people still after us and our fellow Marine still hasn't shown his face, it's hard to think that the man that had our back so well at the airport and took such good care of Adi is now most likely dead. I think Adrienne senses this as well, and for her to find out her mother is dead and already suspect her friend is too… Jesus I am amazed she hasn't broken. She is so goddamned strong, but I have come to learn that even the strongest can crumble under the smallest of things when the weight of the world is already upon them; and that frightens the crap out of me. I just hope I am the one who can be there to pick her up when she falls.
"Hey Billianna, you coming back inside," I almost choke on my cigarette as Très voice brings me out of my deep thoughts suddenly.
"Jesus Trè, you should know not to sneak up on me!" I grab at my heart which is suddenly hammering, I have no idea why I am so startled by his appearance; none the less he has been filled I on everything so he should know better.
"Gee, I am sorry Bill, did I interrupt some… less than holy thoughts?" He raises his eyebrows suggestively and elbows me in the arm. I just laugh as I recover from my previous fright.
"No you anus," Trè looks taken aback my insult but sees the innocence in my words, "you scared me because usually when somebody sneaks up behind me they are trying to kill me."
"Touché my endangered Pal," He leans back against the railing coolly, "you coming inside or not then?"
"Soon, just finishing this puppy," I indicate to the unfinished cigarette in my fingers and Trè just nods.
"I hope this all ends soon, I mean we can't afford to cancel any more shows," Trè sighs, his usual animosity evaporates momentarily, "If word gets out that Green Day keep cancelling shows we are going to get very unpopular and soon we'll start losing fans, then record sales will plummet, then we have to get like real jobs to keep on living and shit."
"That's dark thinking Trè, we cancelled one show in America and that was mainly due to the snow storm," I slap him on the back encouragingly, "y'know bands have cancelled more shows for lesser reasons, don't worry buddy we have an arsenal of new songs to give the people. So long as we keep doing what we are doing and keep loving it the people will stand by us till we hit the graves ourselves."
"You're right, cheers Billie-goat," Très usual smile returns to his carefree face, "This is why you are in charge."
"I am about as much in charge as you and Mike y'know," I remind him, he looks to me like the leader and so does Mike, but I look at us all as equals, they have just as much to do with Green Day as I do, Jesus without them I would be nothing.
"Yeah but you have the words we need." With that he walks back into the living room and closes the door. I am not sure if he means lyric wise or advice wise, but I don't dwell on it. I draw another drag of my cigarette and watch the end glow orange as the bittersweet smoke burns its way through my throat before warming up my chilly lungs; and boy does it feel good.
I look over the balcony, over the tops of the other apartment buildings in front of us until I see the tip of the Eiffel Tower. Man I could get used to this view y'know, if the people weren't so rude and weren't trying to kill me I would actually consider talking to Adrienne about getting an apartment here. Why is everybody trying to kill me? Well because they believe I actually know where these goddamned files are, truth is… I don't have a clue. I called my mother Ollie to have a look at them but not tell me where they are, because if I don't know and somebody catches me and tortures me I have no information to give them and I won't be risking my mother's life or anybody else's. I just told her to get back to me when she knew what these files were. I hadn't expected her to say that they were plans for a nuclear family, yep, a whole family of nuclear weaponry, enough missiles, bombs, ships, planes and even camera's to blow up the entire USA. I suppose when word gets out that such files have escaped the grasp of America, mass hysteria breaks out and suddenly everybody wants the big scary weapons to gain control. They are all going about gaining power the wrong way. When I perform I have more power over everybody in that room than the President or the Queen, in fact I could have power over them to. I am not God, no far from it, I am just not an idiot y'know like the rest of the world. I get power and control over the audience by showing them I know they are there, I know they are human, I let them know I actually give a fuck about them. They eat it up because that's all they want, to be heard, understood and seen as people not pawns. If the government was smart they would reach out to their people in the same way, then and only then would they really have control. They think fear is the best means of control and the assholes believe it, the best means of control is to not control them. But the Government I don't think could handle that feeling of loss of control.
I take another drag on my cigarette and as I exhale the deliciously potent smoke from my lungs my thoughts shift to my boy Joey. I have tried all I can to not worry about him, to not think about him while I know he is safe in hiding with my mother. And I have done pretty damn well up until recently, I know he is safe but he isn't with me. Nobody is. Still I am his father and he is so young still, he is only two fucking years old, I should be there with him watching him grow up. But I can't I just fucking can't! I slam my palm furiously against the snow coated railing, it stings and it burns cold but I do it again and again. Some fucking father I am, Jesus no wonder Bella couldn't stand this lifestyle, it's hard, it's so goddamned hard and yet I have dragged two people I love into it.
"Easy Billie," Mike's voice sounds softly behind me, not startling me in the slightest with my current rage, "What's up?"
"Fuck Mike, I can't do this," I bite down hard on my lip trying to even my voice out, Mike keeps his face cool, "I can't be a father to a son I never see, I can't drag Adi- Nora into this life. I am so fucking selfish!"
Mike laughs, hysterically, out loud and I just stare at him, "Yeah Billie so selfish, you fell in love, such an asshole," Mike pauses to roll his eyes and keeps laughing, "You had a kid, who you love to pieces but is still just too young to take on the road at the moment. Woah such a Jerk, you don't look out for anyone but yourself do you?" He finally stops laughing and I let his words, though sarcastic, sink in.
` "It's hard Mike, I mean look at what I have done to Nora,"
"Yeah, but shit happens," Mike pulls my notebook out from behind his back and I feel like hitting him, he knows that's my private notebook, "Seems to me though she is quite the muse for you. She is good for you Billie, she loves you, your lifestyle and everything," he tosses the notebook over to me and I almost don't catch it, "but right now she needs you to be strong, she just lost her mum and is in a different country, she needs you Bills." He turns and walks back into the living room and through the glass doors I see him Crash tackle Trè to the floor and the two begin to fight. I open my notebook…
Words get trapped in my mind, Sorry I don't take the time to feel the way I do, Cause the first day you came into my life, My time ticks around you, But then I need your voice, As the key to unlock all the love that's trapped in me, So tell me when it's time to say I love you… All I want is you to understand, That when I take your hand it's because I want to, We are all born in a world of doubt, But there's no doubt, I've figured out… I love you.
I slam the notebook shut, Mike is right, as usual. I drop my cigarette on the ground and stomp it out. I practically run through the doors of Adrienne's bedroom where she lies in her bed hugging tightly to a pillow that she sobs into. She hears me come in but doesn't move to turn around, so I just slide into bed beside her and wrap my arms around her bringing our bodies close together and we fit perfectly. She sniffles as she laces her fingers in with mine; I rest my head in the nape of her neck and kiss her lightly.
"I love you Adrienne," She sobs harder and I close my eyes, but she pulls my hand to her lips and kisses my knuckles softly; a small gesture that says four words. I love you too.
This is how we lay, she doesn't turn around to face me, in fact she doesn't really even let go of the pillow. But how we are right now is more comfortable than any embrace. The noise from the guys outside is all that can be heard aside from the sniffles from Adi; but all I hear is the lyrics to my song float in my head and I feel a tear leave my own eye.