Christmas eve's eve, Sakana, the only motel in town, room 23. Ingrid Hunnigan lay on the bed of the same room she'd stayed in with Helena a few months ago. She covered her eyes with her arm and sighed deeply. She shouldn't be here, she knew that, she knew she had things to do back home, she knew what she'd done was childish, but at the same time, it had been the only thing she could do. The one thing she'd needed to do. She felt that if she hadn't left, she would've suffocated.

Suffocated underneath the realization of the fact that her life and her life's work all revolved around an endless well of evil. When she was done emptying one bucket, there was always more. It was about as useless as trying to empty an ocean with a teaspoon.

On one hand, she knew that what Helena had told her before was true; the world would be much worse if people like her and the other agents didn't do anything at all, but at the same time, when it seemed that despite all her efforts the evil in the world seemed to remain the same, it was disheartening. No matter what inconceivable horrors she'd already seen, none of it could prepare her for the next scene of horror, and she knew there'd always be a next one. The question remained, why bother? Giving up would've been easier.

And then what? she asked herself. She knew herself well enough to know she would never be able to just sit back and relax, enjoy retirement. Not anymore than Leon could even if he was tired of the endless war too. She didn't want to do this anymore, but she didn't know how to stop doing it either.

Her work had become a part of her, integrated into who she was as a human being, there was no longer a separation between professional and personal. She'd moved beyond "why bother" and reached a point where she realized she didn't know any better anymore.

Hunnigan sat back up and reached for the bottle on the nightstand. Not her usual method of coping, but it seemed to be everyone else's go-to when the going got too rough. Why should she be any different?

Because I always was. I'm not supposed to break down, I'm not supposed to react emotionally, it's not who I am. Running away is irresponsible, especially with everything happening back home, but here I am. I'm not okay.

She drank from the bottle and made a face at the taste. That was something she hoped she'd never get used to. But, she wasn't drinking it for the flavor... not that she really enjoyed being drunk either, but she was hoping to eventually just pass out. Sleep had eluded her for a couple of days now.

Hunnigan checked her phone, the disposable one she'd bought recently, not to make any calls but to receive one if Lucy's condition would change. There were no messages.

Her parents wouldn't know to worry about her or Lucy for a while, they weren't expecting constant communication. She'd message them tomorrow to wish them a merry Christmas, but...

She hated lying to them about what she did for a living, but knew that telling the truth wasn't a possibility. As far her parents knew, she worked for the F.B.I.'s cyber division. They rarely asked her about her work, they knew she wouldn't be able to tell much and that she didn't like talking about it either. She helped catch bad guys, that was enough.

But now, Lucy was involved in this mess, and she'd need to lie more, especially if Lucy wouldn't wake up until after the holidays... or if she woke up and it would turn out she wouldn't be able to function normally again. How the hell was she supposed to explain that to their parents? Lie about it being some kind of a freak accident, obviously, but the lies weren't the worst part.

The worst part was having admit and accept that she'd failed. She was supposed to look after Lucy, she was the one who was responsible, she should've made certain that something like this would never happen to her. She should've protected her, not the other way around.

Hunnigan wasn't used to making mistakes and she rarely did, but when it happened, the consequences were far more severe than they would've been had the mistake been made by anyone else. If she screwed up, someone could literally die. That was the career she'd chosen for herself, but only now she was forced into coming to terms with what it really meant.

She admitted when she'd been headhunted to work for the Secret Service back when she'd barely finished college, she hadn't fully understood what her role would be or how important it would grow to be. She'd been just a kid, bedazzled by the mere opportunity and flattered beyond belief by the fact that someone had hand-picked her specifically over thousands of others. She'd wanted to work on the field, but when they'd told her that wouldn't be an option due to her heart condition, she'd been just as happy to sit behind a desk. Frankly, that was where her true talents lay, and it had become clear quickly.

After a little training, she'd been thrown into the fire and told "good luck". Granted, she'd gotten lucky; she'd gotten to work with Leon when he'd been sent to rescue Ashley Graham, and as arrogant and occasionally condescending as he'd been toward her back then, he'd been easy to work with. In other words, she hadn't lost an agent during her first mission. It had been a soft landing into the job.

It hadn't lasted, of course. But whenever she did lose someone, she'd learned to shove those feelings down. She hadn't failed at her job, she'd done everything right and she'd done everything she could, the rest had been up to the agent. She hadn't been personally responsible. Not like she had been with Liam. And, now with Lucy.

Liam had died because she hadn't done the smart thing and just pulled over when he'd begun distracting her driving. Lucy was in a coma because she hadn't done the smart and changed her passcodes after losing her computer to Jenova. These were her mistakes. Her responsibility. And she had no idea how to fix them.

Olivia had offered to stay by Lucy's side at the medical wing when Helena had excused herself to go find Hunnigan after the other woman had been gone for a lot longer than she should've been. She perked up a little when Helena knocked on the door softly and asked Olivia to step out.

"She's gone. She just... she left. I need you to find her," Helena said.
"I can't do that," Olivia said, closing the door quietly behind her after exiting Lucy's room... not that it was likely the girl would've been disturbed by their conversation.

"What do you mean you can't? You found her when she was abducted, do it again, I don't want excuses," Helena argued and Olivia sighed, hanging her head a little. She understood why Helena was upset, but she didn't think she deserved to be at the receiving end of the agent's wrath.

"You know what? You're not mad at me, so shut up!" Olivia yelled at her and to her surprise, it actually worked. Clearly, Helena hadn't expected Olivia to snap back at her, she usually was the one who calmed the situation down, but even she had her limits.

"I found her before because she wanted me to find her! Do you honestly think that if Ingrid Hunnigan wants to disappear, anyone could find her? Give me a break," Olivia added sharply.
"I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that," the younger woman apologized, "I just wish I knew if she's okay," she then muttered and ran a hand over her face tiredly. Olivia was right, she wasn't mad at her, she was mad at herself... but mostly, at Hunnigan.

Running away in a situation like this and leaving behind nothing but a note wasn't like her. It was something an irresponsible kid might do, but not someone like Hunnigan.

Don't worry about me.

As if she could not worry about her. Especially now.

"She's fine, she just needs to be alone," Olivia offered and Helena narrowed her eyes at the other woman, taking a step closer so slowly it was unintentionally menacing.
"You know something, don't you? Where is she?"

"I don't know anything," Olivia lied and turned to look away from Helena.
"I need to—"

"No, you don't! If you needed to know, she would've told you!" Olivia interrupted and took a step back, crossing her arms over her abdomen defiantly and pinching her lips shut tighter as if that would somehow keep her from talking even if Helena tried to force it out of her.

"Liv, please, I need to get her home."
"Jesus, woman, take a hint! You can't fix everything just by snapping your fingers, she needs to be alone right now!" Olivia argued, shaking her head, "Besides, I don't know where she is, I just have a number she told me to call if Lucy wakes up. And no, I will not give to you," she added sternly. Helena exhaled deeply and sucked on her teeth before shrugging.

"Well, would you at least let her know that I miss her and would want her to come home?"
"No."

"Why the hell not?" Helena scoffed.
"Because she told me to contact her only if I have any news about Lucy's condition."

"But—"
"I said no, and that's final. I'd rather face your wrath than hers," Olivia said and with that, the matter was closed. They stood in silence until it was broken by Hunnigan's phone ringing in Helena's pocket. Helena swallowed hard when she saw it was Alix calling.

"Answer it!"
"The hell I will, what am I supposed to say?" Helena frowned.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Olivia muttered, grabbed the phone and answered the call.
"This is not the Chinese restaurant, stop calling!" she yelled in a heavy, ridiculous accent before ending the call.

"...what the hell was that?" Helena quirked an eyebrow, unable to keep from laughing a little.
"I panicked!" Olivia sighed and as was to expected, the phone rang again shortly after. Helena rolled her eyes and snatched it back from Olivia, answering the call.

"Yeah... thanks, and to you too. Oh, she's in the shower, I'll tell her to call you back when she gets out. Okay. Great. Bye," she lied and sighed heavily after ending the call.

"I did my part, now you call Hunnigan and tell her to call her mother and pretend she just got out of the shower," Helena then said to Olivia who reluctantly went to make the call while Helena returned to the room where Lucy was in. Hunnigan had left Bear with her, the stuffed toy tucked between Lucy's arm and her side.

"Come on, kid. You made it this far, pull through," Helena whispered as she sat down, leaned her elbows to her knees and exhaled deeply. Lucy remained silent. Helena stared at the teddybear, and the realization hit her. She knew where Hunnigan was.

"Did Liv rat me out?" Hunnigan asked after answering the door and discovering Helena standing there.

"No, she was very adamant about not telling me anything and she kept her word, I'm here because I figured it out myself," Helena commented and stepped inside, "I gotta admit, I wasn't sure if I was right, but it was worth a shot," she added and shut the door behind her. Hunnigan just shrugged one shoulder, crossed the room and slumped onto the bed.

"What are you doing?" Helena then asked, sighing deeply and put her hands on her hips as she paused to stand at the foot of the bed.
"Honestly? I don't know. I just had to get away from everyone and everything," Hunnigan muttered.

"This isn't like you."
"What the hell makes you an expert on what is or isn't like me?" Hunnigan snapped suddenly and sat up furiously, "Why the hell do I have to live according to what you and everyone else expects of me rather than do what I want?"

"Then, what do you want?" Helena crossed her arms over her abdomen and shifted her weight onto her right leg. This wasn't like Hunnigan, but this was necessary. She needed to get it all out, one way or another. She hadn't realized it, but running away to take some time alone was just another way of shoving her feelings down.

Based on her personal experience, Helena could say that those emotions wouldn't go away until you got over the need to hurt someone until they felt as bad as she did. In Helena's case, it had been easier, she'd known exactly who to hurt and why. With Hunnigan... there was no one to blame, not really. No one other than herself maybe. Frankly, that was what worried Helena. Not that she'd ever gotten the suicide-vibe from Hunnigan, but she'd rather be safe than sorry.

"I want you to leave, I want to be alone."
"I can't do that."

"Yes, you can, it's very simple! Turn around, take a few steps, open the door and get out!" Hunnigan yelled and Helena could tell that if she'd had something handy nearby, she would've thrown it at her.

"All right, then I won't do that," Helena rephrased and went to face her when Hunnigan stood up, quite possibly contemplating on physically removing Helena from the room despite being aware that it would probably be a battle she wouldn't be able to win; Helena was shorter, but she was solidly built, mostly out of muscle, it'd be a challenge to get her to budge if she didn't want to move.

"So, what's your plan? You're just gonna stand there?" Hunnigan scoffed and Helena smiled ruefully, shaking her head a little.
"No, I'm gonna take you home."

"I don't want to go home."
"Well, in that case, pour me a drink and pray that the woman from reception doesn't catch me here with you or she'll want to add the surcharge to your bill," Helena said and shrugged off her jacket, making it perfectly clear that she wasn't going anywhere.

"No, I don't want you to—" Hunnigan began to protest, but couldn't finish her sentence. Helena put her arms around her and tightened her grip on Hunnigan when the taller woman made a half-hearted effort to free herself before giving up and just slumping against Helena, inhaling her familiar scent –cigarettes and her cologne that had hints of orange peel and peppermint, mottled with the residue of "new car scent" left behind in her car from an air freshener that hadn't hung from the mirror in years, but had left its mark on the interior of Helena's –67 Impala and from there, continued to cling to anyone who sat in the car for long periods of time.

"You don't want to hear this, but everything's going to be okay," Helena promised softly.
"How?" Hunnigan scoffed through tears.

"The same way as always; we'll figure it out and we'll fix it, together."

"Why do you have to be so..." Hunnigan began agitatedly, pulled away from the hug and shook her head, "...so... good!" she spat and punched Helena's shoulder, the good one that she was relatively certain could withstand the hit. The younger woman grunted and took a step back.

"I'm not. You're just feeling down and imagining it, I think we both know that you're better," Helena smirked and rubbed the spot Hunnigan had hit. Before she even knew what was happening, Hunnigan spun them around and shoved Helena so that she fell on her back onto the bed.

"What are you doing? You're drunk, this isn't what you really want, you're not yourself," Helena exclaimed quietly when Hunnigan moved to straddle her and began kissing down the side of her neck while bringing her hands to begin undoing the buttons of her shirt.

"Stop telling me that, you don't know who I'm supposed to be," Hunnigan argued. Helena put her hands over Hunnigan's shoulders and gently but firmly pushed her up and sat up herself so that Hunnigan was left sitting on her lap.

"I would if you'd tell me," she said, gripped Hunnigan's wrists and forced her hands down, "Who are you?" she whispered and tilted her head back a little and Hunnigan sighed, leaning to rest her forehead against Helena's.
"A replica of me. Nobody," she then said in a defeated tone and climbed off from Helena's lap, sat on the edge of the bed and reached for the bottle of bourbon that was on the nightstand, a quarter of it gone.

Contrary to what Helena seemed to think, she wasn't drunk. She had been last night, but today, she'd been mostly hungover and tired until she'd felt like finally opening up another bottle. How Leon made getting up the day after and picking up where he'd left off look so easy was beyond her. She was also beginning to think it was probably a serious problem for him and that it should be addressed... but this was not the time.

"Talk to me."
"I would if I had something to say," Hunnigan muttered and drank from the bottle.

"So, you'd rather I just walk out that door and that's it? After everything we've already been through, you want to just give up?"
"What the hell do you want me to do?" Hunnigan asked, but her voice wasn't anywhere near as full of fight as she would've wanted it to be.

"I want you to stop this fucking childish nonsense and pull yourself together!" Helena yelled, took the bottle away from Hunnigan and let it drop onto the floor, "I want you to come home! If it means I will have to literally carry you out of here kicking and screaming, I swear to God, I will if that's what it'll take, but this ends now!"

"Who the hell are you to decide that!" Hunnigan yelled back.
"That's it!" Helena growled through clenched teeth. She reached to put her arms around Hunnigan's midsection and leaned her shoulder against Hunnigan for support, pushing up with her legs as she tried to lift Hunnigan off the bed.

"Let... go of me!" Hunnigan yelled and Helena was expecting to be elbowed in the back, but Hunnigan didn't do that. Of course she didn't, she wasn't trained to react that way, had their roles been reversed, Helena was certain her muscle memory would've forced her to do exactly that whether she wanted to or not.

"I... told you..!" Helena grunted, still trying to get a decent grip on Hunnigan, but she threw herself backward, slipping from Helena's hold and scampered across the bed, putting some distance between herself and the other woman. Helena jumped onto the bed and lunged at Hunnigan, but she evaded her once more, circling the bed and ending up on the opposite side again. Helena chased after her, tripping on the bottle of bourbon she'd dropped earlier and landed face first on the floor, getting the wind knocked out of her while Hunnigan slipped into the bathroom and locked the door.

Helena coughed and turned to lie on her back, aware of getting thoroughly drenched in the pool of bourbon soaked into the carpet, but she ignoried that, needing a moment to be able to breathe again and finally stood up.

"Damn it, open this door or I will break it!" she threatened, figuring this was how the Big Bad Wolf must've felt like.
"Go away!"

"Only if you're coming with me!" Helena stated, took a step back and kicked the door. Hunnigan grunted at the impact she could feel through it as she leaned against it to keep it shut. The next impact was enough to send her a few inches away from the door and before she could get back to blocking it, Helena had already burst through it.

Hunnigan attempted pushing past her, but she was fighting a losing battle; Helena caught her easily and gripped her firmly, Hunnigan managing to make her way back to the bed and throwing herself to lie on it limp, deciding that if she was going to get dragged out, she wouldn't make it easy.

"This is ridiculous," Helena huffed as she gave up trying to wrestle Hunnigan and moved to lie next to her.
"I agree," Hunnigan grumbled.

"Oh, great," Helena then groaned when she saw the red and blue flash through the window, the colors washing over the room's walls at a steady rhythm. A few moments later, there was a forceful knock on the door and an officer announced his presence. Helena stood up and answered the door.

"What do you want?" she sighed at the two officers standing there.
"We got a call, someone heard yelling and arguing, just checking to make sure everything's all right."

"My wife's having a tantrum. You know it is, holiday season, long drive up ahead, stopped to spend the night, had a few drinks, got into an argument. I spy a ring, so I imagine you know how it is," Helena dismissed and crossed her arms, tucking her left hand under her right arm to hide the fact that she wasn't wearing a ring.

"Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to step outside while my partner goes to confirm that your wife's okay," the unconvinced officer said while his partner was already entering the room. Obviously, asking had been just a courtesy, but Helena understood it. Frankly, she would've deemed them shitty cops if they hadn't checked.

Helena shrugged and let them do their job, having to bite her lip to keep from chuckling a little at how annoyed Hunnigan sounded when she was being treated like she was potentially a damsel in distress.

"I'm fine, I don't need you here!"
"You're absolutely sure it was just a verbal argument?"

"What kind of a stupid-ass question is that? Of course I'm sure! Go away, nothing happened!"
"All right then. Just... keep it down and sleep it off," the officer sighed and retreated.

"That goes for both of you," his partner then told Helena, who hadn't even been drinking but undoubtedly smelled of bourbon thanks to tripping on the bottle and lying in the liquid that had then transferred from the carpet to her clothes.

"Sure thing, officer. Thanks. Merry Christmas," Helena muttered, got back inside and shut the door as the officers got back into their vehicle.

"The wife is having a tantrum? Really, Helena?" Hunnigan scoffed then.
"It worked, didn't it? And it's not like it was a complete lie," the younger woman quirked an eyebrow and sat onto the bed next to Hunnigan.

"Why are we even fighting?" Hunnigan exhaled, her entire being deflating a little as she was obviously done arguing.
"Because you're trying to punish yourself and fighting with me would make you feel worse than you already do, which, ironically, would make you feel better," Helena reasoned.

"I refuse to be that obvious," the taller woman humphed and they both chuckled at that. Helena put her arm around Hunnigan's shoulders and moved to lie down on the bed and Hunnigan gave into it, settling to rest her head on Helena's chest.

"Well, I guess we just had our first fight," Helena mumbled with a smile.
"Was it bad for you too?" Hunnigan quipped and Helena laughed softly, kissed the top of Hunnigan's head and nuzzled into her hair.

"Yeah, pretty much. But I gotta admit, I never in my life imagined that I'd ever be in a situation like this one... namely, wrestling you down and chasing you around a motel room," Helena said, her smile audible in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I know that this isn't the way... but I don't have... your faith. I can't go to church and curse God or ask for forgiveness. What I have is me... myself, and I... and this is how I break down, this is what I do, and once I'm done beating myself up, I move on. It seems childish to you, and maybe it is, but it's my process."

"Sounds like you've done this before," Helena commented, choosing to not get into a discussion about faith right now. She knew how Hunnigan felt about it, but they had an understanding regarding it. Helena wouldn't try to convince Hunnigan to go to Mass with her and Hunnigan wouldn't try to convince Helena to stop going, and that was it. While they had their differences, they didn't judge each other, and frankly, everyone else in the world realizing to do the same would've solved a lot of problems.

"When Liam died. Only, back then, I didn't have anyone as stubborn as you track me down and chase me around a motel room. Granted, maybe if that had been the case, I would've saved my parents from a lot of heartache."
"What did you do?" Helena frowned a little, trying to picture a teenaged renegade-version of Hunnigan, but not being able to conjure one up.

"Nothing too surprising or exciting. Just ran away and spent a week or two drinking and staying at friends' houses until I figured it was time to go home. Nothing dramatic happened, other than the obvious verbal beating I got from my parents afterward," Hunnigan shared.

"So, that's your process, you run away."
"Pretty much. Mind you, it takes a lot for me to get to that point."

"I'm not judging. My process involves homicidal rampages," Helena smirked and Hunnigan chuckled ruefully before inhaling and exhaling deeply, pausing as the tears began to rise once more, and she couldn't stop them.

"Hey," Helena whispered.
"What?" Hunnigan sniffled and wiped her eyes and then her nose with the back of her hand.

"I love you."
"I love you too."

"...how about we spend the night and in the morning, I'll take us home, okay?" Helena then said gently and kissed Hunnigan's forehead before reaching to turn off the light.

"I'd like that," she said and wrapped her arm around Helena tighter, and the other woman squeezed back. They were silent for a long moment and for a while, Helena thought Hunnigan had fallen asleep, but she spoke again softly then.

"...is it weird that I actually get a little turned on when I think about you kicking through that door?" she inquired awkwardly then, thinking it had to be strange because honestly, she felt that that sex probably should've been the last thing on her mind right now.

"I don't think so, why should it be?" Helena shrugged one shoulder.
"I don't know. Just feels like it's probably not a common reaction," Hunnigan said quietly.

"Maybe it is, but nobody talks about it," Helena suggested and pushed herself upward a little, resting her weight on her elbow and Hunnigan settled to lie on her back, running her fingers on Helena's forearm when the younger woman reached to rest her hand on Hunnigan's abdomen, gently stroking the skin with small movements of her thumb.

"...do you want to..?" she whispered softly in the dark.
"... if you're not too tired?"

Helena didn't speak, instead she leaned further down and captured Hunnigan's lips into a kiss; that was enough of an answer. They made love slowly, passionately, neither one being in a hurry to go anywhere or do anything other than to just take the time to enjoy each other and the moment of peace and comfort they felt only when they were together like this, even when the world outside was in a state of constant turmoil.